Quick Update!

Plans have changed!

There will now be five people on board, not three. The fish box is going to be turned into a cooler for drinks, the regular cooler will be used for food. And more drinks. Water is something you do not want to run out of. So I have:

12 Sam Adams Lights
12 cans of fizzy water (12 oz cans)
1 gallon of lemonade
6 cans of soda
1 sandwich

Everyone else is bringing their own stuff. So there will be more food and more beer and more water and more everything. This is why I need to use the fish box as a cooler. The primary cooler, which holds ice much better, is simply not going to be big enough.

Someone BETTER bring chips. I did not buy any. Someone better. I am testing everyone to see who comes through with the good stuff.

One of the people is bringing a tube that can be towed behind the boat. That ought to be fun.
In fact, it is a lot of fun.

There shall also be a bottle of Flor de Cana 12 year rum, and some manner of vodka. Got to be really careful with that stuff. REALLY careful. Ill not be partaking in that very much if at all. Ill be suggesting people limit their intake of the hard stuff. Things will be OK

I installed the Bimini top, so I can put that up for extra shade. The t-top is great for fishing and I really like it - but it does not provide for very much shade. With the t-top and the Bimini top Ill have a place to hide from the sun.

Pretty much everything is ready to go. I just need to get up (in about 4 1/2 - 5 hours - CURSE YE NOCTURNAL WAYS!!!!!), load the stuff I could not fit in a lockable compartment (assorted snorkeling gear and boat electronics), and go!

And stop for gas. I need gas. One tank reads 1/2 and the other reads 3/4. So I estimate I need around 15 - 18 gallons of gas to fill both tanks. Probably less. But Ill call my guess at 15 - 18 gallons. That was for the last two trips by the way. The boat I have is about as efficient as a boat can get without sails or oars.

It will be sheer madness out on the water. Madness I tell you! Miami is populated mostly by idiots. And since there is no license requirements for boating, anyone can get a boat and take it out. There will be a lot of people out who do not use their boat very much. There will be people who just bought a new or used boat out - people who have never used a boat before. Three day weekends are always crazy. Memorial Day marks the start of the summer season, so it is a big one.

Ill be out adding to the madness. Part of the madness. And Ill have a good time doing it.

Weekend Madness

Time for another weekend!

But not just any weekend. Oh no! This is a weekend of the three day kind. So this means there must be plans.

At my usual Friday night hangout spot, I learned a few things. A friend of mine has an out of town guest staying for the summer. An out of town guest from a smaller community, landlocked in the desert. Away from the ocean or any large bodies of water.

But it gets better. My friend and her guest both like the water. Water is cool. And the guest is pretty much up for anything. If you came to Miami from a small community, and you find yourself living on South Beach it must be very cool. All the nightlife you could possibly ever want is right there! Just leave the apartment and walk around the block.

Anyhow the guest is up for snorkeling and whatever. So this is cool. She has never been in the ocean so it will be fun to hit some reefs. And the guest will love it.

Now where was I again? OH YEA! The plans!!

This weekend is gong to be nuts. Crazy nuts. So I made the decision to not do the snorkeling thing. I do not really want to trailer the boat to the Keys this weekend, and the ride from Miami to the areas I was thinking of hitting make for a long boat ride.

I opted for the "floating party spot" option. That will be fun. Everyone likes a party. And it is a short boat ride. I do not have to trailer a long distance. And so on. The perfect plan! A quick stop in some calm water to test snorkeling equipment and get used to the whole "swimming in the ocean" thing, then hit the party spot with all the other boats that will be there.

And now - for the plan!!!!!

Today - Get the boat ready. Top off the tank from the last time out. Or not, I have plenty of gas as it is now. Other than doing that the boat is ready. Sort of. I never did get those deck lockers fastened down. I might as well at least do that. I also need to unearth my snorkeling stuff. It is around here someplace. I may take a trip to ye old dive shop to price some equipment. The friend with the guest is a diver. I have not gone diving in years, because my other group of friends are not water people. Anyway I need new tanks and/or inquire as to the process of renting tanks. The other stuff I have.

Sunday - BOAT DAY! Get up early and load the boat. Hit the ramp. I have to time this just right. Too late and the ramps may be so full they are closed. I will try to be in the water by 8 AM. Last year at that time the ramps were active but not really crowded. Then hit the anchorage I have in mind to get desert people used to swimming in the large, salty ocean. In a protected safe area. Then hit the party spot.

Monday - Nothing yet. I am sure the group will come up with something.

LATER - A snorkeling mission to the reefs of the Keys. I have a few in mind. Ill get to dive again. I want to pick an easy shallow dive for the first few times out.

American Movie Classics? Who Are You Trying To Fool?

There is some communist bullshit afoot.

In January I applied for some digital TV converter coupons. I lied on the application, saying I did not have cable or satellite service.

But the things never arrived. So I just went to check the status of my application. It seems I was approved, and the things were mailed to me. TWO MONTHS AGO. But did I ever see them? Hell no.

What the fuck happened to them? Beats me. Someone must have collected the mail and said "AH! Something for Lazy. Looks important! Well I know what to do with this! Ill shove it up my ass!".

And if this is the case, I really do not want them anymore.

So you know what that means? $80. I think each coupon was for $40. While this would not pay for a converter, I had a scam planned.

The scam involved some schmuck at Best Buy not giving a shit. Hopefully this person would be working the cash register. The odds of finding this is 100%. Nobody at Best Buy seems to give a shit about anything other than "when is pay day" and "when is my shift over".

Then I grab ONE converter. Now one coupon would not pay for the thing, but TWO would. The kicker is you are not supposed to be able to use two coupons for one converter. But how would the employee know? And why would they care? They get paid the same thing at the end of the day regardless.

I walk up with one converter, and use BOTH coupons. Then I walk out of Best Buy (or wherever) with a free digital TV converter.

But what if I am not allowed to use two coupons for one converter? No problem! I buy two converters. I figure that I would need to shell out $15 each for a converter. Then the next day I return one! I have the refund credited to the credit card. If the thing cost $55 then if I get that $55 back I have got a FREE converter, and the government gave me a FREE $20. Which I can buy a three or so gallons of gas with.

Or if that fails, find some slob without any converter and sell them one of mine for $30. This is less than the $55 they would have to spend.

But all my plans are foiled. Because someone shoved the coupons up their ass.

And now for the LONG OVERDUE slam on American Movie Classics.

What is AMC? It is a channel you get as part of DirecTV service. As you can guess, they show "classic" American movies.

So what would YOU expect to find there? If you said "classic movies" you are.....WRONG! Unless you consider "The Omen III" to be a "classic". COME ON! The Omen III? Are you serious? That is a "classic"???

No you assholes. It is a cheese ball SEQUEL. I would not even consider "The Omen" to be a "classic", let alone part 3.

And here is a list of other movies on that channel in the next few days that are NOT classics - according to me.

1. Jurassic Park. While it is not a terrible dinosaur flick, it is hardly a classic.

2. The Karate Kid. PLEASE! Wax on wax the fuck off. Off my TV screen. Get out of here before I crane kick you in the ass.

3. Dracula 2000. I would consider the FIRST dracula movie to be a classic, but not the 2000th dracula movie. Classic? NO!

4. Halloween. This MAY count as a classic. But not really. I do not think it was the first "crazy demented killer stalks a bunch of young people who are conveniently located in the woods or one house" movie. If it was the FIRST movie of this genre then fine - it is a classic. If not it is a copy cat.

5. Death Wish. Was this the FIRST "regular guy turns into a bad ass after thugs attack his family"? Probably not.

6. Death Wish II. OK while I MIGHT let Death Wish slide, Death Wish II is just a sequel.

7. Death Wish 3. This is a "classic"??? Really???

8. Death Wish 4. Are you people on CRACK?!?!?!?!

9 Death Wish V. Yes, they made 5 of them. 4 was not enough. And all 5 are apparently "classics".
10. Missing In Action. Hey can't leave out the typical 80s "one American bad ass invades a hostile Country and single handedly kicks EVERYONE'S ass" movie! Chuck Norris may get mad.

11. Missing In Action 2. HUH??? A classic?

12. Missing In Action 3. What is Chuck Norris PAYING YOU to declare the MIA trilogy a "classic"???

Classics huh? You Death Wish they were classics. Where the hell is "Iron Eagle" and "Iron Eagle 2 - 200"?? If Death Wish V is a classic, surely Iron Eagle is a classic. And how about "Killer Clowns From Outer Space"?? That has to be a classic! The first ever "space clowns that kill people" movie is not a classic? But the space ship is a circus tent!!

The world is insane. I am the last sane person left. Problem is that all the crazy people think THEY are normal and I am the insane one. And when I try to point out that I am the only sane person left, the crazies just say that the fact I think I am the only sane person left proves I am in fact nuts, for only a crazy person would say that.

But I am not the one who thinks Death Wish V is a classic movie. Go figure.

Primary Madness - Zombie Spuds

It has been a while since I posted about boring political bedtime stories. Posting about Fred and his worms and the litter box is frankly more interesting.

So I have been mum about the whole thing. In the depth of my delusions, I figure everyone reads this blog and I did not want to influence the election.

Now how is THAT for delusional? To think that the scribblings I post anonymously on the internet could influence anything.

It all boils down to math. Which is good, because math tends to be objective.

Now everyone, even Spuds MacKenzie, agrees that for the Democratic primary a candidate needs to secure 2,026 delegates. This is the number that has been reported as the magic number by ALL media outlets since before the first state voted, starting all this madness. Got it? 2,026. Not 2,025. Not 2,027. The magic number is 2,026.

OK pretty simple. I think everyone can follow the bouncing ball here. Even Spuds, who by now has to be dead. Unless he is some sort of ZOMBIE PARTY DOG, roaming about the back rooms of the Budweiser offices looking for brains to eat. Dogs just do not live that long.

The magic number was arrived on based on more math. The way I think it was calculated was by taking all the delegates - super and not super, adding them together, then dividing by two. Then adding one. Got it? You need HALF plus ONE of the delegates to win.

When the magic number was calculated, Florida and Michigan were not included because both states decided to move the dates of their primaries before Super Tuesday. I think.

But still - that was the magic number. 2,026.

Except now one person is claiming that the magic number is actually 2,226. Or something like that. Anyway, one person is claiming that there are actually about 200 MORE delegates than everyone else is reporting. And one person, who happens to be in second place, is claiming to be the front runner. With more delegates and more popular vote.

And before I hear crap about the photo to the right and the switch to talking about the other person - chill out. Relax. I just posted a picture of what Spuds MacKenzie would look like if the dog were still alive today. ZOMBIE SPUDS! Hungry for dog brains. Thats right - a ZOMBIE SPUDS joke! Thats all.

So how can this be?

It can't. The second place person only has more of the popular vote if you include Michigan and do not give the current front runner ANY votes. Which is unrealistic, as there was only one name on the ballot in Michigan. You also have to not count caucuses from other States. I have no idea what you have to do with Florida. I think the proposal is to count Florida as it was.

Got it? For the second place candidate to be ahead in popular votes, you have to NOT count some votes, award all the votes in one state to one person, and then make up a policy to account for Florida.

Hardly objective.

And then there are the delegates. The second place candidate claims that the magic number is not 2,027 but is actually about 200 votes higher. And to "win" that again number 2 has to do some creative math. Like claim all of Michigan. And there was only one person was on the ballot, so even if something like 40% voted uncommitted who cares! The way the math would work is to count the delegates for the one person on the ballot, and ignore the uncommitted votes. And even then number 2 would not be able to clench the new magic number. But if you tinker with the numbers enough, and pretend that Puerto Rico matters (it does not) then maybe the current second place claimed front runner would be able to wrangle the super delegates in line and "win".
And thats right - I said Puerto Rico does not matter. Face it - nobody really cares about Puerto Rico except Puerto Ricans. That is one strange place. It is a commonwealth of the USA, so people there get a US Passport. Flights to and from San Juan are considered "domestic". I can go to Puerto Rico and return to the US mainland without needing a passport. I would not need to go through US Customs either.

But Puerto Rico is not a State. The de facto language is Spanish. Sure English is spoken too, but the primary language is Spanish. The Puerto Rican flag is treated more like a national ensign than a State flag. People there do not pay federal income tax.

And they DO NOT vote in national elections. Puerto Rico has one representative in Congress - but that person has very limited voting rights.

So Puerto Rico does not count. Sure they have delegates. And the second place candidate thinks that the campaign can collect some of those delegates. Maybe even the majority of them. There are 60 some odd delegates there. And then after that there is only one State. A non populated state with a low number of delegates.

OK now are you following the bouncing ball? IF you only count some votes in Michigan (mostly the votes for the second place candidate and give ZERO to the front runner), pretend that Puerto Rico matters, do something with Florida, and not count some popular votes in caucus States, then - AND ONLY THEN - does the front runner change.

Math would suggest that it is time for the second place candidate to drop out. Do not expect this to happen however.

Notice that how using a great deal of skill I did not use any names OR allude as to the gender of anyone. So nobody knows who I am talking about :)