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Monday, January 29, 2007

Microchip For Max? Lawn Care.

The State of Florida is considering new rules for exotic reptiles which are considered a threat to wildlife.

The covered species includes several types of python (Burmese, reticulated, African rock and amethystine pythons), the green anaconda, and the Nile Monitor lizard. Owners of the above listed reptiles will have to apply to the Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife for a permit, get a microchip implanted in their reptiles, and allow state inspectors to check out the reptile cages.


This is a Nile Monitor. Three guesses where these guys are native to! Go on - guess! HINT - the common name of this lizard is the NILE Monitor. This is not because they are found in the Mississippi River. So if you guessed the Nile Monitor is from the Nile River area of Africa - you are right!

The Nile Monitor, in addition to being a nice looking lizard, loves the water. They are known to be aggressive, and for the most part make bad pets. They can get to be 7 feet in length, and did I mention they like water and swampy areas? When these guys get loose, they would be very happy in the Everglades, eating alligator and bird eggs. In fact, in their Nile River home these lizards are known to eat crocodile eggs. Nile crocks are VERY mean! Way meaner than any Florida alligator. So a colony of Nile Monitors could cause problems to native species in the Everglades.

But in a battle between an adult alligator, the Nile Monitor would not stand a chance.

The snake species ARE a danger to Florida, and should have been regulated LONG AGO. I do not think it should even be legal to own a Green Anaconda! Anacondas can get to be 30 feet!!!! Who the hell can properly care for a snake that big? A 30 foot snake would need a cage AT LEAST 40 x 40 feet in size! That is one hell of a large room! So I think it should be ILLEGAL to own an anaconda. Unless you are the Miami Metro Zoo. For that matter, the Miami Metro Zoo does not even have a damn anaconda! So should some jackass be able to own an anaconda? Hell no!

Anyway, the State of Florida is getting ready to regulate pythons, anacondas, and the nile monitor. I think that boas should also be added to the list.


This is a Savannah Monitor. Max looks just like this. Savannah Monitors can get to be 5 feet in length, and are known for their docile temperament. As for as lizards go, Savannahs make good pets. They are from semi-arid regions of Africa, south of the great sand belt commonly known as the Sahara Desert. They CAN swim, but they do not like to. The Nile Monitor has a tail that is flat, for swimming. A Savannah Monitor's tail is round, but there is a ridge that runs down it. Nile Monitors have the same ridge, but it is more pronounced.

Now I was thinking of getting a Nile Monitor. I can properly care for such an animal. I could build a sweet Nile Monitor cage - complete with a lizard pool and stuff. Totally escape proof. If I am going to do this, I guess I better get on the ball! Cause soon I will have to apply for a permit, answer some questions, pay a pet lizard tax, get a microchip for the lizard so it can be traced to me if it is found in the wild, and have the lizard cage inspected by the wildlife po po.

Max is hanging out with me right now. He is a little bit on the cold side, so I am acting as some sort of lizard hot rock. Max does not want a microchip! Max does not want the wildlife po po to come and inspect his home without a warrant!

Max is not on the list of species proposed for regulation - but I expect him to get added to the list at some point. Whatever. It needs to be done. Max has a nice cage. I sort of know stuff about Savannah Monitors. I could pass a lizard handling test if I needed to. Max's cage would pass an inspection. It is large enough and escape proof.

So, it is all good. It is about time Florida did something about exotic reptiles! Too bad it took a population of pythons living and breeding in the Everglades to get law makers off their ass to do something.

Right now to buy a python in Florida all you need is a few hundred bucks. No questions. Nobody will ask if you can handle and care for a snake that can get to 15 feet in length and weigh several hundred pounds. I have seen IDIOTS buy these animals for their children.

So I am in favor of the proposed regulations. Even if Max ends up being included.

And now, LAWN CARE TIPS!

Some of you commented on my lovely lawn. It CAN NOT be killed, and never stops growing. This means constant mowing is required. It sucks ass.

Anyway, how do I keep the lawn so green? Maybe with a sprinkler? No - I do not believe in sprinklers. They waste valuable water. Lawn irrigation should be illegal. Homes that have irrigation systems typically give their lawns MORE rain per square foot than the Amazon Rain Forest gets. What the crap!?!?!?

So maybe I fertilize the lawn. NOPE! Far too much work there. The only fertilizer the lawn gets is when some neighborhood dog shits on it. The cats more than likely shit on the lawn too, but they hide the evidence so I never step in it. Cats rule.

So maybe I pay someone to spray it with chemicals to kill bugs? Now that is funny. Are you INSANE?!?!?! Pay someone to spray chemicals on the lawn? No way.

So what do I do? Nothing. Not a damn thing. My secret to lawn care is to let it grow! You see, for the most part grass roots grow about as far into the ground as it grows above the ground. So if you are one of these people who mow their lawn (or hire Mexicans to mow your lawn) every week you are KILLING your lawn! The roots will not be very deep, and your grass will be unhealthy and vulnerable to drought. Spraying your lawn with chemicals kills the chinch bugs, but it also kills worms and other good things. So spraying is also bad.

If you want a healthy lawn do nothing to it. Plant a tree to shade it from the harsh summer sun. Let it grow, so the roots run deep. Do not water it daily, so the grass will send the roots even deeper into the ground in search of water.

Your lawn will be resistant to dry spells (to a point, tree shade really helps there), resistant to bugs, and be pretty much maintenance free. Healthy roots make for a healthy lawn. So do nothing. I am a HUGE fan of xeriscaping.

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13 Comments:

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I enjoy the reptile posts. I had two Mexican iguanas. Try as I might, I couldn't make these suckers live. One lived for one week, the other for two. It was too depressing. I never owned reptiles again.

05:30  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ah yes, the Mexican Spiny Tail Iguana. Or did you have a green iguana from Mexico? Both types of lizard live there.

Anyway, more than likely you bought iguanas that were wild captured, and in poor health. This is very common. The best place to buy a snake or lizard is from a breeder. You pay a little more, but you get a captive raised reptile that is likely to be in better health and easier to tame.

Also, there is no pressure placed on wild reptile stocks. Many wild capture reptiles die before they can get to the pet store.

08:25  
Blogger Michael said...

I can't believe that anyone would even want a 30 foot snake...

Kudos to you on proper reptile care, Max must be a beautiful lizard.

I had a hard enough time when I kept a leopard gecko (she died at age 3, poor thing, and I learned not to keep reptiles).

08:26  
Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I totally agree with your lawn care system. I've tried killing my lawn before but the best I've done is stunt it. The roots run too deep from years of only mowing it the bare minimum number of times. I'm praying for either genetically engineered grass that only grows a certain height and never heads out or affordable astroturf. That would be awesome.

11:46  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - I have had dreams of genetically tampered grass - that never needs to be mowed because it grows in such a way so as to look like was freshly mowed ALL THE TIME. That would rule.

I would plunk down a nice chunk of change for such a lawn. A LOT of people would. No more messy noisy polluting lawn mowers!

So to all you science nerds out there with your lab coats and pocket protectors and stuff. STOP SCREWING AROUND with sheep and jellyfish and crap and GET TO WORK inventing me a mow free lawn! CHOP CHOP! Get to it! Lets go!

14:58  
Blogger Badoozie said...

i hope no one follows your lawn advice cause it sucks ass. unless of course you live in tropical climates with lots of humidity. and depending on what sort of seed it is.

as for the other stuff, i have no comment, and maybe that is because i did not read it thoroughly because i'm just not being thorough today

15:32  
Blogger Fuzz said...

We just mow what ever comes up every now and then. I water it after dark but try not to always hit the same spots.

17:03  
Blogger Badoozie said...

oh yea, lazy...the nerds already did invent some lawn that doesn't grow, it's called "astro turf"


LOL

17:23  
Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

Those pythons are scary. I saw that picture of one eating a Gator.

I let the Mexicans take care of my grass. I do crank up the blower occassionally to bug my neighbor.

19:37  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Badoozie - my lawn care tips rule. You saw the photo of the grass! How nice and lush and green it was! No brown spots! It only gets water when it rains. Granted, that is not exactly uncommon here in Florida, but whatever.

My theory is that if you have to water it, fertilize it, spray chemicals on it, or do anything to it, you planted the wrong thing. Plant what grows best in your area. It saves resources. Plus, I am lazy.

Astro turf is not what I want. I want real grass. Living grass. But I do not want it to grow to the point where it needs to be mowed. Is that too much to ask for?

Caiman - the python threat is scary. Those things are huge! They are eating full size alligators and stuff. The State of Florida should have started to regulate, or even ban, large snake species long ago. Want a snake? Get a corn snake. Want a boa? Too bad. Move to Michigan where if your boa gets loose it does not survive the winter.

Fuzz - the lawn is my nemesis. It just grows and grows, taunting me. It knows I hate to mow. Stupid grass!

23:43  
Blogger Badoozie said...

it is too much to ask for. nothing in life comes easy lazy man....so buck up...

as for the type that grows best, unfortunately over here, it is a mix of seed that actually requires water and what not. you see..I am a green thumb horticulturist type person by nature. and I take pride in the fact that I brought the lawn back from the dead at my old house, and made it into a thriving empire of greenery. it was a beautiful thing to behold. very sad...hard to leave it, we became very attached. everytime i fire up my mower, i shall remember the times we had, me and the delicate tapered stems of kentucky blue grass....and whatever else that was.....

09:59  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I think my lawn is St. Augustine seed.

13:35  
Blogger Michael said...

Lazy:
Move to Michigan where if your boa gets loose it does not survive the winter.

I lived 28 years in Michigan. Sometimes, I thought I wouldn't survive the winter...

04:12  

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