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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Everyone Must Follow The Law, Unless They Can Run With A Ball

As many of you know, I uncovered a Bush plot to fix the Super Bowl so New Orleans wins. But it seems that a Bush operative spy saw that I uncovered the plot, and in an attempt to discredit me and my vast spy network caused New Orleans to loose.

They would like to have to believe that my "vast spy network" is not a vast network of people, silently gathering intelligence and sending it to me - but more like crazy voices in my head that I think are other people.

Well let me assure you all. The vast spy network is real. I am like the colossal squid - living in the deep and cold waters of the Antarctic Ocean. Silently lurking in the darkness. Using my tentacles to probe the inky blackness. Unseen yet fully aware of everything.

The plot WAS real. But by uncovering it, I changed it. I could explain how this is possible, but it would involve quantum mechanics, and Erwin Schrödinger's cat being 50% alive and 50% dead at the same time.

But there is a NEW plot! This involves Tank Johnson, some football player for the Bears or some such crap.

This upstanding citizen who contributes so much to society that he deserves every single penny of his NFL salary was busted in a Chicago nightclub for packing a handgun. He was sentenced to 18 months probation and 40 hours of community service. Football did not count for community service.

Then in December, the po po raided Tank's crib and found a convicted felon, a "wholesale" quantity of marijuana (Tank never pays retail for his weed it seems), an a whole bunch of guns. Handguns AND a few "assault" rifles. Probably AKs, cause those are the most gangsta. Two days later the convicted felon was killed after he and Tank arrived at another nightclub known to be a gang hangout. This is clearly the fault of the po po, they took away all the guns and the pot! Had Tank's bodyguard had those items, he could have housed the gang members with some good weed then busted caps in all their asses with the AKs once they were stoned.

It was a shock to Tank Johnson to learn that when you are in probation for a gun crime, you are NOT supposed to hang out with convicted felons, have wholesale quantities of pot in your house, and have a bunch of guns. Tank also failed to pay a fine, preform the community service, and failed to do the drug and alcohol tests.

It seems that Mr. Tank does not thing he has to do what the Honorable Judge Whitey says he has to do. After all, he plays football! Why should he have to follow the rules?

If it were you or I who had violated probation in this manner - we would be in jail. But not this guy. For some reason.

Anyway, now Tank and his lawyers are going to ask Judge Whitey for permission to travel to Miami to play in the Stupid Bowl. But the judge is not playing games. He already set a bond of $100,000 for the probation violation. The usual bond for this is nothing to $1,000.

My spy sources say this judge is a hard ass. He ain't messing around. The judge will notice that Tank violated terms of probation twice - once for not paying the fine, doing the community service, and pissing in a plastic cup and AGAIN for the felon/pot/guns thing. Word on the street is that Judge Whitey will do what the case calls for, without regard to any NFL team.

But why should this upstanding citizen be allowed to travel out of State after violating probation? Do you think that if I were to violate probation a Florida judge would allow me to leave the State? Shit no. I would probably get one of those ankle GPS things and not be allowed to leave the County or even my own yard. No way I would be able to leave the State.

So what makes this goon think he can leave Chicago to go to Miami? Miami has ENOUGH thugs in it, we do not need any more. We do not want his ass here.

I hope the judge prevents the guy from leaving the State. Laws are laws. Everyone has to follow them. Even NFL players. Tank should have thought of the consequences BEFORE he decided to pack heat in the nightclub and violate probation twice. Now it is too late.

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Blogger Fuzz said...

You got some money on the Colts ?
You going to the Stupid Bowl ?
Personaly, I don't care much for jail.

Blogger actonbell said...

just go--you'll enjoy it, with your imagination.

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

The NFL is Big Money. NFL players should not be held to the same rules that people who earn less than say a million a year are held to.

I'm really mad because I've run out of microwave popcorn so now I don't have anything good to eat while watching the President's speach.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I really do not care who wins Fuzz. I do not bet on sports, I do not own any teams, work for any teams, or play for any teams. I have no stake in anything at all. I do not understand how other people in the same situation as me (no stake in the outcome) get so worked up about a bunch of men playing with balls.

But if I had to bet on a team, I would pick the one with the most convicted criminals on it. Can never have too many thugs on your football team!

Actionbell - Ill check out that site! Thanks for the link!

Blogger Badoozie said...

well, being in the helping profession that I am, I can certainly empathize with mr tank. I mean, come on. with a name like tank, the poor little guy probably got teased half to death! and now you want to take away his freedoms to play with his balls across state lines, i mean REALLY big meanie! slapslap...that's me, slapping you for being a meanie to tankie

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

And how do you know I do not like being slapped? Huh? You know, there are a lot of weirdos on the internet.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Maybe you would like to participate in King Smut's new movie Kinky Werewolf where Wolfie spanks Nosferatu, if you're that kinda fella!
For those who are completely confused by this remark, check out and become even more confused. But don't do it if you are offended by werewolf-on-vampire S&M.


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