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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Why I Hate Valet Parking

NOTE TO READERS! If you are a scumbag asshole valet parking douche bag, you may not want to read this. Because I intend to rip people like you the new asshole you deserve.

It is no secret. I dislike valet parking. This is clear from my intro.

First off - I am perfectly able to park my own vehicle. I do not need your help. And I can walk.

And I really hate how you assholes feel the need to take over entire parking lots. So of course the 10 self parking spots fill up. And then people are FORCED to use your "service" which we do not want OR need.

And if you are one of the fuck heads who insist on using valet "services" - what the hell is wrong with you? Can't you park? It really is not that hard. If you can not park your car you really should NOT be driving. Use a bus. Call a cab. Whatever. But just because you are too retarded to park, or too lazy to walk 10 fucking feet - does NOT mean that an entire industry needs to be constructed to suit your needs.

Anyhow I had to go to an event at a place that shall remain nameless.


Anyhow there was no self parking. All the spots were full. So I had two choices. Choice 1 was pay some jerk off $5 to park my vehicle. Choice 2 was to find a paring space at the next door marina.

You see, 3/4 of the parking lot is reserved for valet service. What a scam that is.

Now I was already about 1/2 hour late for cash bar time. And I was a little bit thirsty. So I decide that I can just use the EXTORTION valet service. Just this once.

And then I go in, find the cash bar, and quickly forget about it all.

Now the Rusty Pelican is supposed to be a fancy place. And it is in a good location. Right on the water. You can get some really good views of the Virginia Key lagoon, a marina with some really nice boats, and Biscayne Bay with the financial district / Brickell condo district views.

But guess what? The event featured a buffet. There was some GRAY stuff. It looked kinds of questionable. But I scooped some on my plate anyway. My strategy for attacking the buffet involves getting a little bit of everything on my first pass, then going back or the good stuff on the second pass. My first plate is typically very light.

So I see the gray stuff. Well what can it be? Got me. Might as well try it. And it kind of tasted like......uhhhhh.....nothing? Chicken maybe? Turkey? Pate?

Well guess what it was! TUNA SALAD! TUNA!!!

Since WHEN is tuna GRAY???? Tuna is either RED or WHITE. I suppose it could also be pink. BUT NEVER GRAY!!!!!! Holy shit!

If there is a head chef at that place, he/she should be hung. You do NOT let gray tuna out of your kitchen.

I hope I do not die, as I did eat the stuff. Not knowing what it was.

By the way - there was no second pass. NONE of the food was that good. There was no reason to make a second pass. I knew I had cold pizza at home that was going to be better.

Anyhow after the event was over I went to get my vehicle. I gave the ticket to someone who ran off to get my vehicle.

And as my truck came into view - I notice a headlight is out.

Well great! Just what I wanted to see! A burnt out headlight! Well shit. Who knows why this happened. Could be a number of reasons. Headlights do burn out you know. And I did have spare bulbs in the truck toolbox. So no big deal.

But still - WHY now? WHY does the headlight suddenly decide that now is a good time to burn out? HUH?????

Anyhow - what is worse is that my satellite radio receiver was trashed. The audio out connector somehow got TORN OUT! Now this sucks. I like my satellite radio receiver. I use my satellite radio receiver. So I KNOW for a FACT it was working fine. How do I know this? I WAS USING IT DURING THE DRIVE THERE!!!

This is what I suspect happened. I have some excess cords attached to the drivers side oh shit handle. One of these cords is the audio cable that runs from the receiver to the input of the stereo.

Climbing in or out of my truck, some valet grabbed the oh shit handle. In doing so they put too much strain on the cable - which in turn tore out the connector on the receiver. This made the audio out plug on the receiver useless. Broken. Kaput.

If this is the case - he is my suggestion to the valet service.

QUIT HIRING SMURFS!!! I am not driving a monster truck here. I do not need the oh shit handle to get in or out of my vehicle.

So the saga of my broken receiver begins. I have yet to see how the establishment will deal with this. Somehow I suspect to hear "we are not responsible for damages blah blah blah". Or "the valet service is another company that we have no affiliation with". Or whatever.

And the valet service will say something along the same lines.

But I do not know this for sure. Ill know more tomorrow.

I fucking HATE valet parking. HATE IT!


Blogger actonbell said...

I've never heard of an oh shit handle, but I think I know what you mean, esp. if Smurfs use them:) Yeah, I agree, valet parking is just a way to bilk people out of money, and it would make me uneasy to hand over my car and all the stuff in it to someone I've never even seen before.

Oh, and about the Bush's Bum's Rush countdown: it's sweet! By the luck of the draw, I'm working today and OFF on Tuesday! Looking forward to it.

Blogger Fuzz said...

They were doing that "Valet Parking" at the hospital for a while but finally cut it out. I never did use it. It's hard enough for me to let My Sweetie drive my truck.
We don't really hang out in places where it would be an issue.

Blogger Dusty said...

Hey good-looking...I tagged you with a fun meme. Check out my blogorama for details ok?

ps...I hate Rusty Pelican in any city..overpriced and I got sick as a fucking dog at the one in San Diego poisoning sucks!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Actionbell - Normally I go through great lengths to NOT use any sort of valet service. One time I even paid MORE to use a self parking lot than what the valet service was charging.

Fuzz - it is a scam. Plain and simple. A scam.

Dusty - OK! Ill go there. I did not realize that toilet of a place was a chain.

Blogger Lily Strange said...

I think a more apt name would be the Tainted Pelican. That food sounds downright dangerous! Anyway, who would name an upscale place the "Rusty Pelican?" The Shiny Pelican would be more like it.

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