Iguana Investigative Report

In this investigative report, I decided to find out why in the hell we mess with the clocks twice a year.

Now some think that this whole daylight savings time BS started long ago, in a galaxy far away.

Now yea I know that Wikipedia says this about DST.

"in 1905, the prominent English builder and outdoorsman William Willett was inspired to invent DST during one of his pre-breakfast horseback rides, when he observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through the best part of a summer day.[16] An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk. His solution was to advance the clock during the summer months, a proposal he published two years later.[17] He lobbied unsuccessfully for the proposal until his death in 1915; see Politics for more details. Wartime Germany, its allies, and their occupied zones were the first European countries to use DST, starting April 30, 1916. Britain, most other belligerents, and many European neutrals soon followed suit, but Russia and a few other countries waited until the next year, and the United States did not use it until 1918. Since then the world has seen many enactments, adjustments, and repeals.[18]"

But all that shit is wrong. Like we are messing with clocks because some asshole wanted to play more golf. Please. That would never happen.

No, there has to be another reason. Something that would explain the screwing around with the clocks, AND tie into beer. Because as Emma pointed out, everything ties into beer.

So I did an investigative report to get to the bottom of this tomfoolery once and for all. And tie it into beer. Because that is how I roll.

Now hear me out. You have to read the whole theory for this to make sense.

It all started with the 18th Amendment to the US Constitution. The ONLY Amendment (so far) to TAKE AWAY rights. Bush is working on fixing this now. Passing Amendments that remove rights that is.

The 18th Amendment was a black and terrible day for the USA. It went into effect on a dismal miserable day - January 16, 1920. Suddenly all forms of alcohol were illegal in the land of the free.

But not everyone was sad. Some people were happy. They supported prohibition, because they were miserable and wanted to spread the misery to all the other people. If they can not have any fun - NOBODY WILL! That is the American Way, right?

Anyhow, flexing their muscles, the prohibition supporters (through threats of extreme violence) FORCED everyone to set the clocks forward one hour.

Thus KILLING happy hour! It was an evil plot to get rid of happy hour, and replace it with "angry bitter pissed off at the planet" hour. And so it was. The clocks were set forward - therefore skipping right over happy hour. People are all like "man it is almost happy hour! Two dollar draft beer! Excellent!". And then right when happy hour is supposed to start, some angry people barge in, smash up all the bottles, and set the clock forward one hour.

HA! Now it is not happy hour anymore! And we smashed up all the beer anyway! So HAHAHAAHA we win!

Only TWO STATES had the balls to reject the measure - Connecticut and Rhode Island.

But all was not lost. The dark ages lasted until 1933. A long time. 13 long and dry years. Well in theory. In reality people were just bootlegging, going to speak easies, brewing beer in the basement, and making shine.

But the forces of sanity and reason won the day. The only Amendment to remove rights was undone by another Amendment. The 21st Amendment.

Only one State voted to not ratify the 21st Amendment - South Carolina (BOOOO!)

And to celebrate their victory, drunken mobs turned the clocks at the bar BACK on hour - in effect extending happy hour and getting back the happy hour unjustly stolen from them all those years ago.

In remembrance of these events, every spring clocks would be set forward one hour, and then set back one hour in the fall (right around Octoberfest by the way - coincidence? I think not!).

This ritual eventually became DST. But we mess with clocks at 2 AM now so as to not mess up happy hour. By the time 2 AM rolls around you are not going to get any happier.

This makes a lot more sense than some ass wanting to play more golf.

Whose Brilliant Idea Was This?

I am NUMBER ONE in Google! Oh Yea!

I hope you all sprung forward. THREE WEEKS EARLY! So if you have a fancy electronic device that knows when it is time to change the clock - HA HA! It is not going to work! You see, this year some fucking dumb ass decided to make the change early. So unless your electronic device can accept software updates - you are boned. Cause it will not know to change the time today! So you will have to change it yourself - defeating the whole point in paying for a device that changes the time on its own.

NOTE - I do not know if the dumb ass featured in the above link is the dumb ass who hatched this brilliant idea, but I can see it being true. Notice that the lens caps are still on. What a goof.

And if that were not bad enough, in three weeks it will think "HEY! Daylight savings time time!" and spring forward ANOTHER hour. So you will have to change the time back to the correct time, or change the time BACK one hour before you go to bed so the device will spring forward to the correct time.

Confusing huh? Your automatic time changing device will not have to be changed TWICE - by you. Now not all devices are going to be effected. Computers and PDAs can download and install a patch. Cell phones can be set to accept the time sent by the service providers.

OH SHIT! My GPS devices may not know that some dumb ass changed the date to change the time. Not a huge deal for my handheld GPS but the boat GPS needs to know the local time so that the tide chart works. Fuck. I need that tide chart feature to work.

But what the hell is up with DST anyway? Well I went to find out! THIS is investigative reporting.

Daylight saving time (DST), also known as summer time in British English, is the convention of advancing clocks so that evenings have more daylight and mornings have less. Typically clocks are adjusted forward one hour in late winter or early spring and are adjusted backward in autumn. Details vary by location and change occasionally; see When it starts and stops below.

Governments often promote DST as an energy conservation measure because it substitutes summer afternoon sunlight for electrical lighting. However, in some cases DST can increase energy costs.

Pretty good so far huh? Nice and objective!

In a typical case where a one-hour shift occurs at 02:00 local time, in spring the clock jumps forward from 02:00 standard time to 03:00 DST and the day has 23 hours, whereas in autumn the clock jumps backward from 02:00 DST to 01:00 standard time, repeating that hour, and the day has 25 hours. A digital display of local time does not read 02:00 exactly, but instead jumps from (say) 01:59:59.9 either forward to 03:00:00.0 or backward to 01:00:00.0.

Clock shifts typically occur near a weekend midnight to lessen disruption to weekday schedules. A one hour clock shift is customary, but Lord Howe Island uses a half-hour shift. Twenty-minute and two-hour shifts have occurred in the past.

What?!?!? Where the fuck is "Lord Howe Island"? And why do we give a crap what time shift it uses? Everyone that lives in an island nation is ALWAYS late anyway - so who cares what a clock says. Island life is laid back and not rushed. Time and being on time is for the mainlanders. Those sorry pathetic on time fools.

Start and end dates and times vary with location and year. Since 1996 the European Union has observed DST from the last Sunday in March to the last Sunday in October, shifting clocks at 01:00 UTC. Starting in 2007, most of the United States and Canada observe DST from the second Sunday in March to the first Sunday in November, shifting clocks typically at 02:00 local time. The 2007 U.S. change was part of the Energy Policy Act of 2005; previously, from 1987 through 2006, the start and end dates were the first Sunday in April and the last Sunday in October, and Congress retains the right to go back to the previous dates once an energy consumption study is done.

Beginning and ending dates are switched in the southern hemisphere. For example, mainland Chile observes DST from the second Saturday in October to the second Saturday in March, with transitions at 24:00 local time. The time difference between the United Kingdom and mainland Chile may therefore be three, four, or five hours, depending on the time of the year.

Argentina, Iceland, Saskatchewan and other areas skew time zones westward, in effect observing DST year round without complications from DST shifts. The United Kingdom and Ireland experimented with year-round DST from 1968 to 1971 but abandoned it due to its unpopularity, particularly in the north. Alaska, France, Spain and other areas both skew time zones and shift clocks, in effect observing double (or more) DST in summer.

DST is generally not observed near the equator, where day lengths do not vary enough to justify it

OK I am loosing myself here. Do I really care about any of this horse shit? Not really. So shall I continue?!?! Those wacky French, always observing double secret DST. It must be all that French Wine. People do funny things when they are drunk. VIVE LE FRANCE! And pass me the wine, for I am thirsty.

Now for the MEAT OF THE STORY!

DST was first proposed in 1907 by William Willett. An avid golfer, he disliked cutting short his round at dusk. The proposal attracted many eminent supporters, including Balfour, Churchill, Lloyd George, and MacDonald. Edward VII also favored DST, and had already been using it informally at Sandringham. However, Prime Minister Asquith opposed the proposal and after many hearings it was narrowly defeated in a Parliament committee vote in 1909. Willett's allies introduced new DST bills every year from 1911 through 1914, to no avail.

GOLF!?!?!?! Fucking GOLF?!?!?! We are doing all this because some ASSHOLE was too damn lazy to start his game of golf one hour earlier?!?!?! You got to be shitting me here! GOLF?!?!?!?!? Another reason for me to HATE THIS STUPID GAME!

DST was first enacted by a national government by Germany during World War I, starting April 30, 1916. The United Kingdom soon followed suit, first observing it on May 21, 1916. On June 17, 1917, Newfoundland became the first North American jurisdiction to adopt DST with the Daylight Saving Act of 1917. On March 19, 1918, the U.S. Congress established DST from the last Sunday in March to the last Sunday in October. The wartime measure, however, proved unpopular among farmers, and Congress repealed it in 1919. Woodrow Wilson, another avid golfer, vetoed the repeal twice but his second veto was overridden.

By Germany huh? Weren't we at WAR with Germany in WWI??!?! And did you catch the part about it BEING UNPOPULAR WITH THE FARMERS?!?!? And Woodrow Wilson was an AVID GOLFER and tried to keep Congress from repealing DST in 1919? There we go again! Another golf asshole trying to make ALL OF US modify our lives so they can play a stupid game. How about this golf boy! CRY to your country club to operate during daylight hours! On the weekends get to the course in time to play your round. Or skip out of work early enough to play your round.

So who benefits from DST? Well I went to find out!

Golf courses, convenience stores and other businesses benefit from extra afternoon sunlight. The primary funding for the Daylight Saving Time Coalition that successfully lobbied to extend U.S. DST in 1987 was provided by The Clorox Company (parent of Kingsford Charcoal) and 7-Eleven, both of which benefit from DST, and both Idaho senators voted to extend DST on the basis of fast-food restaurants selling more French fries made from Idaho potatoes.

DST can adversely affect farmers and others whose hours are set by the sun. For example, grain harvesting is best done after dew evaporates, so when field hands arrive and leave earlier in summer their labor is less valuable.

Clock shifts disrupt sleep patterns, and correlate with decreased economic efficiency. Researchers estimated in 2000 that the daylight saving effect implies a one day loss of $31 billion on the NYSE, AMEX, and NASDAQ alone.

GOLF COURSES again! So we are doing this for the benefit of golf??? It seems so. And I would like to know the logic behind the thinking that changing the time on a clock will cause people to eat more French fries made from Idaho potatoes.

I hate Daylight Savings Time. And golf.

Now some of you who hate your pets had have horrible surgical procedures done to them and then wonder why your pets retaliate by doing things like taking a leak on your bed - it could be worse. THIS could be your dog.

Thanks to Wikipedia for letting me steal all this content for my report.