Getting Closer

As you all may or may not know, I have been on a quest. A quest to generate hate mail. So far, no hate mail.

So that means I am not trying hard enough! It is not like my secret email address is a secret or anything.

But I have generated some hate comments! Here is a segment of a comment from THIS blog.

"In closing..
You're about as funny as screen door on a submarine.
As far as old goes, I bench press 300 lbs and am ranked 7th in the south pacific Chinese Kempo championship, so blow me !"

So there we go. According to someone even more anonymous than me (this person is using a non-blogger ID and does not leave a link to anything) I am about as funny as a screen door on a submarine.

By the way. I think this was the punch line to a joke I last heard in the third grade. Awesome sit down comedy here! And what is the difference in stand up and sit down comedy? Sit down comedy is not worth standing up for. Jokes I heard in the third grade qualify for this distinction.

Anyhow the old punchline is not why I cross posted this. It is the second part. See I may have accused the guy of being "old" and I may have also given the helpful advice to not get his blood pressure up too high or else he could blow a gasket.

So to "prove" he is not old he had to add that he can "bench press 300 pounds". My ass. Why do people even try to pull this? EVERYONE on the internet can bench large amounts of weight, run 4 marathons a week, free dive at least 500 feet, and has placed in the top 5 riders in the Tour de France.

The "I am a kung-fu" master addition is also typical.

So yea, this guy can bench 300 pounds, is a kung-fu world champion, was some kind of Don Juan during the Kennedy Administration, and can probably leg press more than Pat Robertson.

Why, I better be careful! This ninja master may come over here and bench press the outboard engine off my boat! Then he can leg press the hull, because it only weighs 1900 pounds without the engine (which is already bench pressed off the transom).

This brings up another interesting point. There are no fat bald ugly people on the internet either. EVERYONE is hot. All the hot people are on My Space, sending pictures of themselves to other hot people. Meanwhile, what do I see when I go out? More ugly people than hot people. Clearly because the hot people are all on the internet, and not out in public.

So no - I am not at all impressed by people who make grand claims on the internet. Nor am I intimidated. OHHHH SCARY!

In other. FAR MORE IMPORTANT news - I have my control boat orders for the Winterfest Boat Parade. I am in. No backing out now. I am Control Boat EE (echo echo) and I am to be stationed in the ICW near the Las Olas bridge. I got an orange flashing light! This means I am special. If you have an orange flashing light you are not just some creep off the street! No - you have authority.

Giving someone an orange flashing light is like giving someone a clipboard. You have to be REALLY CAREFUL. I have seen ordinary people turn into Super Supervisor Man when they were handed a clipboard. Did they have any real authority over me? No. Did they think that someone promoted to them to God? Oh yea. Suddenly they had the clipboard and they would be barking orders at others who had the same job title as they had. And there was NO WAY they would put that clipboard down! Oh hell no. They would never hand it off to anyone else either. Not even to go take a leak. The clipboard was power. I found this to be highly amusing.

So yea, I have an orange flashing light. And I have signs and stuff that clearly mark my boat as part of the parade control boat fleet. Get that? FLEET!!! I am part of a FLEET! I have never had this distinction before. I am going to like being in a FLEET. It sounds very naval. I might even pipe some calls - as I have a boatswain's whistle. I need more practice with it however. But the captain (that is me) does not pipe calls. The boatswain (pronounced "bo-son") pipes the calls. So that kind of ruins that. I wonder if they will allow me to carry some 25 pound cannon? You know - for pirates. Problem is the 25 pound cannon would weigh as much or more than my boat, which would probably effect the stability of the vessel.

But I shall not abuse the power of the orange flashing light. The power of the orange flashing light is too powerful to abuse. If allowed to fall into the wrong hands, the fate of the entire universe could be in peril. I must be responsible with my power, and only use it for good.

Really my job is pretty simple. Get to my station early, drop anchor where I think I should drop anchor, and then keep anyone from anchoring beyond my spot. The big boats in the parade need the ICW to be clear, and so I have to hold the line so to speak.

Other duties include NOT drinking a beer till the event is over.

I just hope no ninja masters come by and bench press my outboard engine! I am going to need that thing.