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Thursday, December 06, 2007

Getting Closer

As you all may or may not know, I have been on a quest. A quest to generate hate mail. So far, no hate mail.

So that means I am not trying hard enough! It is not like my secret email address is a secret or anything.

But I have generated some hate comments! Here is a segment of a comment from THIS blog.

"In closing..
You're about as funny as screen door on a submarine.
As far as old goes, I bench press 300 lbs and am ranked 7th in the south pacific Chinese Kempo championship, so blow me !"

So there we go. According to someone even more anonymous than me (this person is using a non-blogger ID and does not leave a link to anything) I am about as funny as a screen door on a submarine.

By the way. I think this was the punch line to a joke I last heard in the third grade. Awesome sit down comedy here! And what is the difference in stand up and sit down comedy? Sit down comedy is not worth standing up for. Jokes I heard in the third grade qualify for this distinction.

Anyhow the old punchline is not why I cross posted this. It is the second part. See I may have accused the guy of being "old" and I may have also given the helpful advice to not get his blood pressure up too high or else he could blow a gasket.

So to "prove" he is not old he had to add that he can "bench press 300 pounds". My ass. Why do people even try to pull this? EVERYONE on the internet can bench large amounts of weight, run 4 marathons a week, free dive at least 500 feet, and has placed in the top 5 riders in the Tour de France.

The "I am a kung-fu" master addition is also typical.

So yea, this guy can bench 300 pounds, is a kung-fu world champion, was some kind of Don Juan during the Kennedy Administration, and can probably leg press more than Pat Robertson.

Why, I better be careful! This ninja master may come over here and bench press the outboard engine off my boat! Then he can leg press the hull, because it only weighs 1900 pounds without the engine (which is already bench pressed off the transom).

This brings up another interesting point. There are no fat bald ugly people on the internet either. EVERYONE is hot. All the hot people are on My Space, sending pictures of themselves to other hot people. Meanwhile, what do I see when I go out? More ugly people than hot people. Clearly because the hot people are all on the internet, and not out in public.

So no - I am not at all impressed by people who make grand claims on the internet. Nor am I intimidated. OHHHH SCARY!

In other. FAR MORE IMPORTANT news - I have my control boat orders for the Winterfest Boat Parade. I am in. No backing out now. I am Control Boat EE (echo echo) and I am to be stationed in the ICW near the Las Olas bridge. I got an orange flashing light! This means I am special. If you have an orange flashing light you are not just some creep off the street! No - you have authority.

Giving someone an orange flashing light is like giving someone a clipboard. You have to be REALLY CAREFUL. I have seen ordinary people turn into Super Supervisor Man when they were handed a clipboard. Did they have any real authority over me? No. Did they think that someone promoted to them to God? Oh yea. Suddenly they had the clipboard and they would be barking orders at others who had the same job title as they had. And there was NO WAY they would put that clipboard down! Oh hell no. They would never hand it off to anyone else either. Not even to go take a leak. The clipboard was power. I found this to be highly amusing.

So yea, I have an orange flashing light. And I have signs and stuff that clearly mark my boat as part of the parade control boat fleet. Get that? FLEET!!! I am part of a FLEET! I have never had this distinction before. I am going to like being in a FLEET. It sounds very naval. I might even pipe some calls - as I have a boatswain's whistle. I need more practice with it however. But the captain (that is me) does not pipe calls. The boatswain (pronounced "bo-son") pipes the calls. So that kind of ruins that. I wonder if they will allow me to carry some 25 pound cannon? You know - for pirates. Problem is the 25 pound cannon would weigh as much or more than my boat, which would probably effect the stability of the vessel.

But I shall not abuse the power of the orange flashing light. The power of the orange flashing light is too powerful to abuse. If allowed to fall into the wrong hands, the fate of the entire universe could be in peril. I must be responsible with my power, and only use it for good.

Really my job is pretty simple. Get to my station early, drop anchor where I think I should drop anchor, and then keep anyone from anchoring beyond my spot. The big boats in the parade need the ICW to be clear, and so I have to hold the line so to speak.

Other duties include NOT drinking a beer till the event is over.

I just hope no ninja masters come by and bench press my outboard engine! I am going to need that thing.

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16 Comments:

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

Thank you for the link and my morning laughs. You were in rare form!

08:04  
Blogger M@ said...

Hey, fuck you! I get hate mail all of the time.

I can bench 190 or 200 at the most. I need to start talking smack. I put myself at a disadvantage. Most guys also add two inches to their height and five to ten pounds of weight.

In all honesty, I am only an orange belt in tae kwon do but I do claim a brown belt.

09:59  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - the Pat Robertson link from CBN always makes me laugh. So the TV Network is sticking by the claim - and selling the magical recipe for fun and profit too. Yet, I do not see a lot of CBN Pat Robertson Show viewers walking around using cars as soccer balls. CBN expects to have any credibility at all???

M@ - only 200 pounds? You are a pussy. Everyone else can bench press at least 400 pounds. Maybe you need Pat Robertson's energy shake.

16:26  
Blogger Fuzz said...

Well I'm not fat, but do have to be careful of sunburn on the head. I don't really know many of those kung fu type words.

Carrying a clipboard can get you out of real work sometimes.

18:55  
Blogger actonbell said...

LOL, make sure you get a picture of your flashing orange light. Congrats on being an orange light special!

Why do you love hate mail? Isn't life exciting enough, already? Don't tell me you're bored.

20:50  
Blogger TLP said...

My idea of weight lifting is to stand up. But fortunately that's no where near 300 lbs. or even 200 lbs. so I'm a wimp. That's why I don't send you any hate mail. I can't threaten you.

Heck, I've never even been handed a clip board, let alone an orange light. *sigh* I'm so inadequate.

So, I guess I should hate you. Will this count as hate mail?

21:10  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I just happen to be old, fat AND hot! Believe it or not, guys come on to me. Young guys. I feel like asking them if their mommies know they're out late.
I can bench press 10 pounds! Booyah! Ok, maybe 25 pounds.
I never really got any hate mail or hate comments. Just Creep Crap. Bleah! I wonder if that's better, worse, or the same.

On another note:

I hate to spam other people's blogs so I usually never do it. But I have been having zero luck getting participants for my first annual story contest. The topic is the horrors of fruitcake. (Which happened to be inspired by one of your posts.) Since anybody with even a modicum of talent should be able to beat the ridiculous example I wrote, y'all are missing out if you don't c'mon down and give it a shot! You will gain infamy, misfortune and disdain...oh wait. That's the last review for Death Cheese. I mean, you will gain fame, fortune and acclaim. That's right, click here and you too can join the ranks of the best! Or at least you can have fun and win priceless prizes.

22:04  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Fuzz - properly used the power of the clipboard CAN get you out of real work. The clipboard gives you something you can use to look busy. If you look busy, nobody asks you to do anything.

Actionbell - in the radio business if you are not pissing people off, you are not doing your job. This is not radio, but I like to pretend it is.

TLP - I lift weight. A pint of beer weighs a pound. I was handed a clipboard before. I used it to get out of having to do any work. It worked.

CM - I will have to think up some fruitcake story. I really do not have any fruitcake horror stories however. I may have to make one up.

00:20  
Blogger Doozie said...

Well I can one up mr kung foo....i execute illegal ninja moves from the government, I can throw down on the smallest of creatures, and I regularly lift 12 oz's one after the other. I'm a pretty big deal. Also people who can bench 300 pounds should certainly not be so chicken they can't leave a link...only wussies post as anon. He/she needs to grow a pair because right now all I see are a couple of pea's.

01:42  
Blogger Doozie said...

I just went over there and read all that tripe...holy mother why did you even BOTHER???? What a blogtard that guy is, if he doesn't have any tolerance for his readers opinions maybe he should just shut off the comments

01:48  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - I should know better. But the mystery commenter started it. I guess. Plus I have nothing better to do any I'm bored.

02:06  
Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

I went and read too. Holy Crap Smoker Batman, he's a blogtard. The dude is from Denmark, he can bench press his narcissistically inflated head and really, what normal person knows THAT MUCH about smoking his own crap.

I really like that he all Americans are linguistically challenged idiots, bigots, etc...but he wants to live amongst us in the good old old USA.

Your friend Jersey however, is a thinker like you. Nice to see.

As the Krok would say, "Most excellent post".

02:20  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

He is also obsessed with farts, smelling farts, and squirrels.

03:17  
Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

Well, I think you're hilarious, and not only am I the hottest person on the internet, but also the smartest and funniest.

All the hot people have to stay inside on the Internet because all of those ugly people outside are desperate to have us. They scare me.

19:51  
Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

Okay, I went and read your dispute with that Mickey guy. I thought it was funny that he's telling "your mother" jokes and he thinks YOU are not funny.

THAT is funny.

20:01  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

My personal favorite yo mama joke is this

The other day I saw yo mama kickin a can down the street. I axed the ho what she be doing and she said "Im moving".

00:25  

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