Lazy Iguana, Monorail Operator.

Every since I was a little kid and first went to Walt Disney World here in Florida, I had a dream.

One day I would get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Drive the monorail.

Most people have dreams that go unrealized. But not me! Oh hell no. So when I saw that the Miami Metro Zoo had a part time opening for a zoo monorail operator, I knew this was my big chance for glory. This was my opportunity to drive the monorail.

Now this is NOT the ultimate monorail like they have in Walt Disney World. Those are the Mac-Daddy of the monorail world. They hold more people and go a lot faster than the zoo monorail.

But you have to start somewhere. So I applied for the part time job. IF I am selected from the other highly qualified applicants, I will get to DRIVE THE MONORAIL and talk about the stuff the people riding bitch in the back of the monorail can see out of the windows. Here is a sample of some of the stuff I might get to say.

"Welcome to the monorail at the lovely Miami Metro Zoo. My name is Lazy and I will be your monorail driver today. This is the newest monorail in the zoo fleet because I wrecked the last one. I am the master of monorail chicken! I have never lost yet.

Anyway, just forget about my unfortunate accident last week. Only 20 people were seriously injured, and only one zoo tiger was killed. Speaking of tigers, there are some off to your left. And on the right is the African Lowland Gorilla. Wait a minute? Where is the male at? Usually he is right over there by that tree. OH CRAP!! HE ESCAPED AGAIN! OH NO, HE HAS A BABY! Oh this is just awful! Oh my God, the baby's head was just ripped off! There is baby blood and guts everywhere! Oh folks, this is even worse than the last time this happened! OH NO! Now he is using the baby's intestines to strangle the mother! I hope he does not start throwing body parts at the monorail again! I hate cleaning all that gore off the windows."

Or something like that. I may have to modify my monorail tour speech slightly. But the important thing is I will get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Driving a monorail. A dream fulfilled.

And now a little about the place that I MAY get to work in. The Miami Metro Zoo.

* 81 Exhibits
* 3 Miles around if walked
* 740 Acres total
* 300 Acres developed
* 1,306 Specimens (total on site)
* 392 Inverts
* 428 Fishes
* 10,000—15,000 Italian honey bees

You know the honey bees are Italian because of the excessive amounts of body hair. And the speedos. And the little fancy bee sports cars.

Anyway, I would be good at this part time job. And being part time, it will not cramp my style. It will fit in with the full time job I am getting very close to securing (it takes FOREVER for things to happen with civil service jobs). I can have my real job during the week, and work at the zoo on the weekends. Either one or two days. It really does not matter.

I have always thought it would be bad ass to work at the zoo. It would be fun. Hell, I would do this for free! But if they insist on paying me $10.70 an hour then who am I to argue? 5 hours a week will pay for my gas. That is not too bad.

But mostly, it would be fun. The chump change they offer as pay is not really a motivating factor here. The motivating factor is the free zoo admission, the snazzy zoo uniform (complete with a cool pith hat safari deal), I get to drive a real monorail, and I get to tell people what critters they are looking at - and make up / remember real fun facts about said critters.

Oh yea, and if I play my cards right and make friends with the reptile curator, I might get to feed a real live Komodo Dragon - my favorite of all the monitor lizards! Maybe they will let me bring Max the official monorail lizard to work with me.