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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Lazy Iguana, Monorail Operator.

Every since I was a little kid and first went to Walt Disney World here in Florida, I had a dream.

One day I would get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Drive the monorail.

Most people have dreams that go unrealized. But not me! Oh hell no. So when I saw that the Miami Metro Zoo had a part time opening for a zoo monorail operator, I knew this was my big chance for glory. This was my opportunity to drive the monorail.

Now this is NOT the ultimate monorail like they have in Walt Disney World. Those are the Mac-Daddy of the monorail world. They hold more people and go a lot faster than the zoo monorail.

But you have to start somewhere. So I applied for the part time job. IF I am selected from the other highly qualified applicants, I will get to DRIVE THE MONORAIL and talk about the stuff the people riding bitch in the back of the monorail can see out of the windows. Here is a sample of some of the stuff I might get to say.

"Welcome to the monorail at the lovely Miami Metro Zoo. My name is Lazy and I will be your monorail driver today. This is the newest monorail in the zoo fleet because I wrecked the last one. I am the master of monorail chicken! I have never lost yet.

Anyway, just forget about my unfortunate accident last week. Only 20 people were seriously injured, and only one zoo tiger was killed. Speaking of tigers, there are some off to your left. And on the right is the African Lowland Gorilla. Wait a minute? Where is the male at? Usually he is right over there by that tree. OH CRAP!! HE ESCAPED AGAIN! OH NO, HE HAS A BABY! Oh this is just awful! Oh my God, the baby's head was just ripped off! There is baby blood and guts everywhere! Oh folks, this is even worse than the last time this happened! OH NO! Now he is using the baby's intestines to strangle the mother! I hope he does not start throwing body parts at the monorail again! I hate cleaning all that gore off the windows."

Or something like that. I may have to modify my monorail tour speech slightly. But the important thing is I will get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Driving a monorail. A dream fulfilled.

And now a little about the place that I MAY get to work in. The Miami Metro Zoo.

* 81 Exhibits
* 3 Miles around if walked
* 740 Acres total
* 300 Acres developed
* 1,306 Specimens (total on site)
* 392 Inverts
* 428 Fishes
* 10,000—15,000 Italian honey bees

You know the honey bees are Italian because of the excessive amounts of body hair. And the speedos. And the little fancy bee sports cars.

Anyway, I would be good at this part time job. And being part time, it will not cramp my style. It will fit in with the full time job I am getting very close to securing (it takes FOREVER for things to happen with civil service jobs). I can have my real job during the week, and work at the zoo on the weekends. Either one or two days. It really does not matter.

I have always thought it would be bad ass to work at the zoo. It would be fun. Hell, I would do this for free! But if they insist on paying me $10.70 an hour then who am I to argue? 5 hours a week will pay for my gas. That is not too bad.

But mostly, it would be fun. The chump change they offer as pay is not really a motivating factor here. The motivating factor is the free zoo admission, the snazzy zoo uniform (complete with a cool pith hat safari deal), I get to drive a real monorail, and I get to tell people what critters they are looking at - and make up / remember real fun facts about said critters.

Oh yea, and if I play my cards right and make friends with the reptile curator, I might get to feed a real live Komodo Dragon - my favorite of all the monitor lizards! Maybe they will let me bring Max the official monorail lizard to work with me.

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Blogger Michael said...

Lazy, that is the absolute coolest job opportunity that I have ever heard of. Good luck to you!

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

The only thing cooler would be getting to be an Oompa Loompa at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Blogger Meow said...

Hahahaha ... that would be an amazing job ... but perhaps you'd better tone down the monologue a little !!!!
Good luck.
Take care, Meow

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

Give the choice, I would rather have your speech than the nasal monotones ones that I have normally heard or worse, a computerized version.

Speaking of computers, I figured all monorails were run by them instead of humans. I guess this isn't true in the deep south yet.

Blogger Badoozie said...

hmmmmmm. you've put a little more thought into this than i'm comfortable with. i'd like to suggest you take some time off work, maybe smoke some weed or something useful like that

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Michael and Meow - Yes, this is the ultimate zoo job. The only thing cooler with be assistant reptile curator with access to the Corcodile Monitor (Auzzie tree lizard thar gets to be 11 feet) and the Komodo Dragons.

Cheesemeister - I am too tall to be an oompa loompa. Most people are.

Ed - the speech will be very good. Nobody listens to them anyway, so I would have to throw stuff in to keep people's attention.

Badoozie - Take time off work? I have taken plenty of time off work since October. I have my piddly little part time emergency fallback job (substitute teaching) that fills in some of the gap, but for the most part everyday is Saturday.

I have put this much thought into the zoo monorail driver job because for 30 years now I have wanted to operate one. And for nearly as long I thought it would be cool to work in a zoo.

Blogger Jane said...

So hope you get it. Just remember not to seem TOO keen at the interview, they might think you are a bit strange ;)

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

Please stand clear of doors and hold the handrails.

Primo job for picking up chicks. Do it man. I see you getting laid every night.

Blogger actonbell said...

LOL, I hope you have a blast. If money were not an issue, then, this would be your dream job?

Blogger Fred said...

We must've been separated at birth. I've always wanted to drive the monorail at Disney. You'd think they'd at least give me a shot at it since I've got a few million miles on the danged thing.

Mind the gap.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Jane - I think being a bit odd is a requirement to work at a zoo. You should see the zoo director! He has the best job in the world.

Caiman - chicks dig dudes that can operate monorails! That is a fact. And a lot of the zoo volunteers are hot college babes. So are many of the naturalists that work there. Ill start mackin on day 2. Day 1 is "scope out" day.

Actionbell - This is not exactly the dream job, but close. I would do this for free really. The Miami Metro Zoo is a neat place. When it was built it was among the first of a new kind of zoo - one with no cages. Animals are free to roam about their open air enclosures.

Fred - ALL dudes want to drive the Disney Monorail. It is just one of those things. But not everyone can do that. So we have to settle for any monorail we can get.

Blogger Kristen said...

Monorail driver! What an awesome aspiration! I would settle for truck driver, but there would have to be some major changes in the way they treat girls at bus stops for that to happen.

There's a train system up here called Via, and I wouldn't mind working for them, but I'd have to be bilingual. Wait, make that quadrilingual, since I do already know 3 languages, but French isn't one of them. >:(

Blogger Fuzz said...

Driving the monorail would have to be cool. And you even get unifom.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Kristen - just say "Ze next stop eeesss rue 5th". And if you must aspire to something - why not aspire to be the monorail driver at Miami Metro Zoo? At least you could work someplace cool.

Fuzz - the snazzy uniform is a big plus. I have always wanted a pith hat.


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