Fat Fred The Wise

Humanity has much to learn from the house cat.

Take one of my cats for example. His name is Fred - also known as Fat Ass, Fat Fred, Fatso, Lardo, and Manatee Cat. He does not seem to be offended by any of these names. In fact, the more fat jokes I make about him the wider his ass gets.

I have never had a fat cat before Fred. All the other cats, most of whom have been female, could be offered food all day and only eat what they needed. They never got fat. But not Fred! I could just take away his food, but my two other cats (female) are not fat. One likes to nibble on small amounts of food, the other eats a normal amount and then leaves the food alone. So taking up the food will punish the little cat, for not being fat. This is just wrong.

Anyway, what can we learn from Fred, other than the virtues of not gorging yourself?

1. When Fred gets outside, he hangs out in his own yard. I have never seen him leave the back yard. He does not feel the need to invade some other cat’s yard and start a fight. Maybe this is because he is simply too fat to get over the fence, or maybe he has enlightened himself beyond the need for conquest and war. Or maybe it is because his balls were chopped off. I like to think he has evolved beyond the point where the concept of “war” is understandable.

2. Fred can stay in one spot for a long time without moving. I thought I was the king of being lazy, but Fat Fred The Furious can out lazy me most of the time. He will probably out live me in cat years as a result. His low stress life style is the key. He gets more than enough sleep, and does not have to do things like drive in Miami or put up with a boss. All he has to do in the day is find a place to chill out. We should all be so lucky.

3. Fred does not bet on sports. In fact, Fred does not gamble on anything. He also does not drink or smoke. His low stress lifestyle is so stress free, that he does not need to do any of these things. His only vice is food. All those other vices are strictly for humans, forced to live under stress.

4. Fred purrs a lot. He seems to be happy most of the time. He does not have a lot of stuff, just a cardboard scratching thing, the same food every day, and litter box that gets scooped when it starts to stink. He does not worry about the stuff other cats have that he does not. He does not go to war with other cats so he can take away their cat toys. However, sometimes he will decide that my feet are cat toys when I am sleeping.

So there you go. We humans can learn much from Fred. I just wish his fat ass would loose some weight; it is really not good for him. The vet said that 12 pounds is as much as he needs to weigh, right now he probably weighs 15 or 16 pounds. That is 25% or more overweight.

I am going to build a box with an opening just big enough for the female cats to get into, and then leave the food there. Until he can fit into the box, no food for him! Of course, this will probably just make him attack my feet when I am asleep more often.

Fat Fred The Wise