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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Things I would change

Today, I will keep my ranting short and sweet. This is mainly due to the fact I have to go to work and being lazy I wasted as much time as possible sleeping.

Sometimes I can not help thinking that the world would be better off if I were some sort of king. I would not be an evil king who hoards all the wealth or anything - things would pretty much be the way they are now with the exception that I could decree stuff legal. Here are some things I would decree to be legal.

1. Beer to go in Florida. In other states, one can walk into a bar and order beer to go. They fill a container with beer from a tap, cap it, and off you go. I like to go to a place in Coral Gables that makes their own beer, and I would like to have this beer available at home. Why can't I do this? Because some jackasses think that would be bad. I can buy gallons of beer at the supermarket, but I can not take a quart home with me from the bar. Am I missing something here!?!?!?

2. Equality in beach wear. If fat guys with man boobs can sport speedos on the beach, women should be allowed to go topless as well. Actually, if you HAVE man boobs you should be forced to cover them up. Either decree would work for me. Stop uglifying the beach! If you know you are ugly, please cover up.

3. People that needlessly litter would be forced to live in a landfill. If there is not any room at the landfill, their house can become fair game for public dumping.

4. Punks that steal the fish finder and safety equipment off my boat would be castrated. Then they would have to eat their own organs, sauteed in some butter and garlic and served over noodles. I am not totally heartless. Afterwords, they can play a game of "dodge the flare", with me in control of the 12 guage flare gun.

5. I would decree that expecting people to me mind readers is illegal. Women should just TELL US what is bothering them. None of this "if you do not know, you must not care" crap. We do not know because we are dumb! Women found guilty of this act can be required to do something fun and amusing, like for example having a soapy sponge fight with three or four other hot chicks. in return, women will have command of the remote control on football day.

So, what would you decree if you could?


Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

You may be on to a new trend, lazy Iguana.

As for beer to go, well, there are already too many with alcohol problems. Somehow, although in theory alcohol and Florida may sound like a good combination, it practice, I think it will produce diaster.

Blogger Lissette said...

I decree that men should be FORCED to show their true feelings and not be afraid to be considered pansies or any such thing like that. If they hold back their feelings for fear of being called a pansy, then they will be forced to live life as a girl for a month.

Actually, guys should be made to live their lives as a girl for a month anyways, with all the hormones, emotions and all, just so that they could actually understand what's going on inside of us. The only problem I see is that at the first sign of getting their period, they would either think they were dying or simply keel over with the first cramp they experience.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

There are alcohol problems, but not for me. I drink it - no problem!

But really, the issue is more complicated than that. People will abuse the stuff even if it is made illegal (ask Al Capone).

So allowing me to get beer to go will not really make the problem worse.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

If men would have to be forced to live life as a chick for a month, the reverse should be true.

That way, you can get to do fun things like holding the purse while someone tries on 500 pairs of shoes. Or play the "guess what the hell is wrong" game. Or answer the un-answerable question "does this (do these) ______ make me look fat?"

I am not really impressed by traditional gender roles. I do not see why I have to be the one who brings home the bacon, and why I have to be the one who comes up with things to do. I would be perfectly happy to hook up with a rich chick who has an awesome job, so I can hang out at home and install more stuff in my boat. Then use the boat. In fact, all I would ask is "honey, why don't you buy a waterfront home so that I do not have to trailer my boat to the ramp with the retarded county workers?"


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