Florida State Song

It seems that the official State Song for Florida needs to be changed. The online petition is here. People are really serious about this. I signed the petition, you can see what I said by going to the site. I am signer number 200 so you can find my comment. And there are serious articles about this subject too! Like this one. Wow.

Now what is the big deal? My Miami readers may not even know there is a State Song. Those outside the State may not know what it is. Well I happen to know. And no, it is NOT "La Cucaracha". Although it could be. There are a whole lot of roaches in Florida. So that would be a perfectly acceptable State Song.

La cucaracha, la cucaracha
Ya no puede caminar
Porque le falta, porque no tiene
Marihuana que fumar.

In English the translation is:

The cockroach, the cockroach
Can not walk anymore
Because it lacks, because it does not have
Marijuana to smoke.

See? A great State Song for Florida. It contains a reference to our State Bird / insect, as well as our favorite plant! By the way, now you know where the term "roach clip" came from.

Anyway, that is not the point. The point is that the current State song is CORRECTLY called "Old Folks At Home". Many think it is "Swanee River", but that is not the original title. It is Old Folks At Home. Written by one Stephen Foster in 1851. Foster is some kind of super genius because he never once visited Florida, yet he somehow knew about all the old folks. LOTS of old people here. Do not believe me? Try to get seated at Denny's at the time the blue plate specials are going on. You have to make reservations 2 weeks in advance.

If you want to see the words to the song, here is the link. Seriously, this is really the State Song. Foster wrote it to be sung by a comedy troop preforming in black face. It was written in slave dialect. In the song the singers are "still longing for de old plantation, and for de old folks at home". Foster lived in Pennsylvania and never even came close to Florida. I think someone warned him about the roaches with no marijuana to smoke.

The original State Song was "Florida, My Florida". This song was adopted by the State in 1913. But this song was very boring. So in 1935 the State changed it to "Old Folks At Home" to honor a yankee who never came anywhere near the South during his life. And since 1935 the State Song has been "Old Folks At Home".

Anyway, Jerry Atric is upset about the song title. "What do you mean old folks at home" Jerry said. "You know, sometimes we do go on vacation. We are not always at home. We also go to the Denny's for the blue plate special and steal all the packets of Sweet N Low".

And Mr. Jerry Atric is right. The old folks are not always at home. Since in FL you can renew your drivers license through the mail and never have to go near a DMV old folks are also driving all over the place. Once a week some lucky business owner gets a free drive through window installed by a well meaning old person driving a 1975 Buick. You know that the brake and gas pedal do look alike.

So I have my own suggestions for the new State Song. Seeing as how the current song was a "comedy" song, I had to really think about my suggestions. So here they are!

Sittin On A Bench In Delray
Bald Spot
Won't Eat Prunes Again
Old Spice Girls (not really a song but what the hell)
Sweatin With The Old People (another non song, but still workable)
Walkin In Dog Mess
Sabado Night Cock Fights (not just in South Florida by the way. But people care more about dog fights so these stories never get any press. And yes this probably happens in North Florida as well)
Genital Warts (only applies to some people in FL - check the medicine cabinet for Valtrex)
I Take A Crap (The Fiber Song)
Hand Job (Strip Club Song)
Sea Of Fat
Sink Or Float

I think that is a good start. I can probably come up with more State Song suggestions, but this is a good working list for now. In fact, this is a pretty impressive list. It may take some time to go through it. Most links are only a few hundred kilobytes.

Might As Well Take Up Smoking

OK so I already mentioned that the State is on fire. But I must be exaggerating.

This is a fire map of Florida. I indicated my approximate position with the arrow. The fire icon things are the various fires currently burning. Or at least currently burning at the time the map was created - May 9, 2007 at 1600.

So at this point I might as well take up smoking. Why not. I am breathing smoke anyway, so I might as well get something out of it right? The haze is still here. Hippies all over the State are smoking weed, and when the cops pull them over and say "what is all this smoke in your car" they respond "hey man! My AC is like broken or something. I have to drive with the windows down". There is that much smoke hanging out. The funk is funky. And the fires are not really close to me! I can not see any smoke plumes off in the distance, just this haze that leaves a very fine layer of ash on my vehicle. I notice the ash mostly on the windshield.

But there is some hope! Yes, the dry conditions may or may not continue through the week! Because........

That is right! Hurricane season is not even here yet, and this shit is already going on. The first named storm of 2007, and guess where it is going? Well we DO need the rain, but not really the winds. Unless those winds push all the smoke somewhere else.

But this is not a tropical storm! It is a SUBTROPICAL storm! What does that mean? It seems that Andrea is a cold core storm. Sort of similar to a "noreaster". Tropical systems are warm core. Anyway, the strong winds for this thing will reach out much further from the center of circulation than they would for a tropical system. The good news is that it is not very likely to intensify. But even if you are at the edge of the cone of death (in this case a circle of death) you could get strong winds.

But we need the rain. And the cone being a circle means that the thing is supposed to stall out. Right offshore. And heading to exactly where the rain needs to fall to give the big lake a drink. The big lake needs the water. Of course so do the other parts of the State on fire! But not everywhere can get rained on by the first named storm of 2007.

NOTICE TO SNOWBIRDS - now is the time to get the hell out. You have stolen the last package of Sweet-N-Low from the Denny's for this season. Time to pack up the RV and go back north. You may return for more sugar substitute when Hurricane Season 2007 is over. Snowbirds can not hack a hurricane season like us true blue native lifelong Floridians can.

I water test the power cat Friday afternoon. Wish for rough seas for me! I need snotty conditions to test the ride on the boat. I want 15 - 20 knot sustained winds, blowing over the bay for at least 24 hours. I want the surf in the bay to be whipped up good. Moderate to heavy chop is really what I want to see! Maybe this storm thing will help me out there. Currently the forecast is 5 - 10 knot winds, bay waters at a light chop.

Oh yea, in case you did not notice I added IGUANA LINKS to the left sidebar, right under the online visitors thing. The Hull Truth is a boating form. There is also a link for South Florida marine weather (and land weather for that matter) and a link to the Hurricane Center prediction office. Both the weather links are from the National Weather Service.

And there is new Iguana Music, that has nothing to do with any Queen.

Do You Smell BBQ?

Funny story about the post title. When I was working for Homeland Security as a TSA screener, another screener told me this story.

He was driving around with three of his friends in a Ford Ranger extended cab truck. It was late at night and everyone was hungry. The driver dude realizes that he has to fart really bad. So he quickly locks the windows (so nobody can roll them down), kicks the AC to recirculate, farts, then says to everyone "hey do you smell BBQ?". Of course everyone starts to sniff the air. You can probably figure out what happened next.

These are the kinds of people who are looking through your carry on bags when you travel by air. Just so you know. Just regular fun people!

But today is not going to be a very fart intensive day. The entire State of FL smells like BBQ. Bad BBQ. Because you see, Florida is on fire. I think the whole state is going to burn up. I have instituted emergency fire plan alpha, which calls for the boat to maintain a full tank, all fishing gear on board, and be ready to hitch up and launch at moments notice. Should the wild fires set Miami on fire, I just take the boat to the nearest ramp, launch it. and haul ass to the middle of the bay. I should be somewhat safe there. My food will come from the sea. Like Emperor Nero I will watch Rome burn, and then when the fire is out return and claim some primo water front property as mine. SQUATTERS RIGHTS RULE!

How bad is it? Lets just say that there was so much smoke and haze in the air visibility was at best three miles. The air here is usually clear due to the land / sea breeze. You see, in the daytime the land heats up faster than the water. Hot air rises. As the hot land air rises, the relatively cooler ocean air moves in to fill the void. At night the process reverses. So our air is normally fairly clean.

The fires are not really close to South Florida. They are more in the Central Florida and North Florida areas. So for the haze to be this thick down here it has to be really bad up there.

The State pretty much needs this years quota of rain, plus another whole years worth of rain. And this rain needs to fall on the right place - between the big lake with the funny name and Orlando. And it needs to fall slowly so the ground can soak it up.

North Florida also needs some of that rain. As far as ground water goes, South Florida is still doing OK. We just need our normal amount of rain down here. Hopefully our extra rain will go up north.

It still smells like a wildfire outside. And inside for that matter. It is not as strong inside because I notice the smell when I step out. I do not know if it is smoke haze or clouds, but I can not really see any stars in the sky. I only see one object in the sky, and I think it is Venus. It is too bright to be a star, and it is yellow in color. So it is either Saturn or Venus. By the brightness I suspect Venus. Usually I can see a dozen or so stars even with the light pollution.

The Toshiba laptop is having issues. The CD Rom drive has crapped out. It has been crapping out for some time - working some times and not working other times. But now all it does is try to spin up over and over. Like the motor is starting and stopping. The eject button does not even work anymore. I may need a new computer soon. Not too soon I hope.

Good Question Senor Caiman!

In case you do not read the comments people leave here (which are often better than the post), Senor Caiman asked if that little post office off Alligator Alley is still there.

And to that I say - what crack you be smoking? NOTHING is on Alligator Alley (AKA I-75).

However, there is the smallest post office in America, located on Tamiami Trail, or as some call it US Highway 41. In a backwater place known as Ochopee. Or as the locals call it "where?". It can be found 30 miles east of Naples. This is also 70 miles west of Miami. Right around the intersection of US 41 and Florida SR 29. In the Big Cypress National Preserve.

Here is the post office as it was way back before digital cameras and color film. I think this photo was taken in 1986 or something. Back when if your computer operated faster than 6 mhz you were a super big computer nerd and probably got a lot of atomic wedgies.

Anyway, the original post office was part of a larger general store. But the store burned down a long time ago. So the post office was moved to the tool shed that was behind the store. It was later moved closer to the road, and that sign you see on the roof was so people did not go in there to crap, thinking it was an out house. It measures 7x8 feet. Actually 7 feet three inches x 8 feet four inches. Here is what the place looks like today.

Yes, this is a fully functional post office. Old school. I think the postage scales are not electronic, and everything is hand stamped. There is only one employee.

And here is the coolest part. UNLESS a friggin tour bus full of idiots who have never seen a post office is there, you are in and out of this place quickly.

My Tree

So, you may be wondering what I am going to use this year as my Christmas tree. Or as it is commonly known as in Miami, mi árbol de Navidad. Whatever floats your boat.

So, pretty cool huh? This Christmas Palm Tree is real and still alive. It is planted in a large pot. It used to be in the front yard. Now it is inside. After Christmas, it will go back outside.

I think it needs more lights. This is possibly the best idea ever in the history of the universe.

The black boxes are just me playing with photo cropping and some features in "Paint". Just as I predicted, it did make the file smaller.