How to damage your brain and liver at Disney World

Today I will discuss the fine art of drinking around the world. Now I know you are probably thinking that this can not be done, but I am here to tell you it can. And you might be thinking “Yea, you can drink around the world if you are Donald Trump and you have your own private leer jet”, but this is also incorrect. Anyone can do it, and it only takes one day.

At Epcot Center in Walt Disney World (in Orlando FL) there is something called the World Showcase. The showcase is made for adults, kids find it very boring. I used to think it was boring too, nothing to do but watch some crappy boring movies, walk into boring trinket shops, or sit through some horrible show.

But then I turned 21, and suddenly noticed that every country in the showcase serves alcohol. And not just beer! Most places have full bars. That’s right, anything you want is right there. The world showcase was instantly not boring anymore.

The goal of drinking around the world is to start off in either Mexico or Canada, have a drink in each country, and make your way around the entire showcase. The nations represented are (starting the way I always go when I am there) Canada, UK, France, Morocco, Japan, USA, Italy, Germany, China, Norway, and Mexico. That is 11 drinks.

Not all places have full bars, but most do. The places that lack full bars at least have wine and beer, imported from the nation represented. Canada for example has Molson. Morocco has a beer called Casablanca, imported from Morocco (it is really not that good).

So here is my story.

A few years ago I went to Disney with a friend of mine. She is a huge Disney freak, and is not opposed to drinking. So I figured it was going to be a good trip.

We started off in Canada. I am not really a big Molson fan, so we skipped Canada. It was only 10 AM and to get Canadian wine we would have had to go into the restaurant there (Le Cellier Steakhouse) which was not open yet. We did chuckle at The Royal Canadian Kilted Yacksmen (Ren And Stimpy joke), who were putting on a bagpipe music show.

The next stop was the UK. I love the UK, they have a “real” English Pub. It is called The Crown And Rose. And better yet, it opens up with the park! So here I was, at 10:15 AM, getting ready to order my first drink. I ordered an Irish Carbomb, and the bartender who was from London (for an added touch of realism, the people who work in the World Showcase are imported form the nations represented – in France your waiter is really French) looked at me funny and said “In the UK we just call those carbombs.” A carbomb is ½ pint of Guinness Stout (a kind of beer), and a shot of ½ Jameson Irish Whiskey and ½ Balies Irish Crème. I also ordered an extra shot of London Dry Gin to make up for the drink I skipped in Canada.

To drink a Carbomb, you have to take the shot glass and drop it into the ½ pint, then chug it. So I did. It was now 10:20 AM.

Next was France. Of course, I had to have wine! So I went to the wine booth and got some. The chick that was in the booth was quite cute, and informed me I was the first customer of the day. My reply was “somewhere on the planet it is 5 PM”. I was already feeling the effects.

Next stop was Morocco. I found a booth that was selling pastries and coffee to the WEAK who were there with kids doing the responsible parent thing, so of course I order a beer. The guy said they were not cold yet – and I said that was OK. Who needs chilled beer? 10:40 and I was already on drink 4 for the day. I was starting to feel it.

Japan was next. Japan happens to be my favorite nation at Epcot. I walked through the gift shop, bought a bottle of sake (Japanese rice wine) and a sake set and had it sent to my room. Then I walked through a really cool tin toys display, which featured all sorts of wind up mechanical toys made from tin in Japan. If you think Japanese cars are well made, you ought to see their hand crafted tin toys made by master metal smiths!

By this time I was hungry, so I went to the lounge area of the restaurant for some green tea, sushi, and of course hot sake. My friend had some plum wine, which I also tried. Plum wine is EXCELLENT, I like it better than grape wine. By now I was fairly loaded and people with kids were starting to give me dirty looks.

I skipped the USA. Frankly, this is the most boring of all the nations at Epcot. It is nothing but hot dogs, hamburgers, and Budweiser. I do not even know why the USA is there, it is just wasted space. I would rather see another FORIGEN nation there, like Russia or Poland.

Next was Italy. I had the “wine tour of Italy”, which included a tasting of 4 or 5 Italian wines from all over the country. Do not ask me what these wines tasted like, I cant remember. For all I know, they gave me tap water. I was bombed.

Next was Germany. I had the “wine tour of Germany” which was another tasting of 4 or 5 German wines. Once again, I was way too loaded to taste anything. I was far too wasted.

After that I gave up. I knew I was close to my goal, but it was over. First off, it was only 3 PM and I was swimming. I had more than one drink per nation. I was unable to walk in a straight line, I had to use my friend (who at this point was just as loaded as I was) for support. Actually, we used each other for support. I just could not have any more to drink. I had to pass China, Norway, and Mexico.

So close, yet so far.

People were giving the two of us REALLY dirty looks. Here we were, drunk as piss ants, in Disney World, all before noon (I was drunk before Japan, everything after that was a matter of how much over drunk I was). Of course I knew why they were flashing the looks. THEY wanted to be doing what we were doing, but they could not. They had to be responsible parents, we did not.

One day, I will attempt to drink around the world again. And the next time, I WILL make it.

Oh yea, after Epcot we stumbled to the Riverwalk area and continued to consume alcohol. At some point we got something for dinner, but I can not remember what. And to end the day, we got on the wrong bus. The bus driver was really cool, he would open the bus door without turning on the light, and he even made a special trip to the resort we were staying at.

I like Disney. They really take care of you. Even if you are drunker than a skunk.