Enough With The Heavy Crap!

Today, I will not try to change the world using the awesome and unlimited power of this blog. Oh wait, did I say awesome and unlimited power? I think I meant to type miniscule and ineffective power of this blog. Heavy stuff is ok, but only in very small doses. And I know my reading public demands that I make with the funny stuff. So I will. Put a cork in it already!

First, I want to share with you a great site. I like huffing it up every day - and you can enjoy the same! You do not even have to buy any spray paint! Just go to Natalie Dee's site. This person makes doodles, which are funny. Sometimes she uses foul language. Anyway, here is an example of one of her doodles.

I stole this doodle from her site. If you do not know what a glory hole is, just use your dirty mind to figure it out. The stolen doodle is clickable, or if that does not work just CLICK HERE to go to her site. Every weekday (and on some weekend days) there is a new doodle.

In other news, I almost rammed someone off the street today. I was driving home from Pep Boys after buying some fuel stabilizer for the boat, and some asshat threw a plastic bottle out of their car window. The litterbug was the passenger. I was in the perfect place to P.I.T. the guy (that is when you smash into the back of a car and cause it to spin out). If my truck was not a 2002 model, and if the street was not clogged with innocent drivers, I might have done it. I did manage to scrawl down the litterbug's license place. Here is it.

U46 IYV. This is a real plate. License plate info is public information in Florida, now anyone who reads this can find out who the car is registered to and their address. If I had this info I would post it here, and encourage everyone to mail the guy a box of trash. And if you live in Miami, and you see a car with this plate on the street, flick off the driver. He is an asshat.

If I had my way, there would be no fine for littering. Anyone found to be guilty of littering would have their property declared a public dump site. You want to throw your garbage all over town? No problem! The town will be able to concentrate all their garbage in your living room. If this would happen just once I would load up my rather large flatbed trailer with all the trash I could locate and dump it on a lawn.

I hate people who litter on purpose. There is no good reason to throw trash out of your car window. Just set it aside and properly dispose of it when you can. I do this all the time. It is really not a big deal.

Wait a minute! The above litter rant was border line serious! Now that I think about it - the rant WAS serious. I really do hate litterbugs, and I really do think that if you litter I should be able to dump trash in your yard.

So back to the funny. Here is some more stuff I ripped off, but I will claim it as my own material this time. Some of it is actually my material, and some I ripped off. You will have to figure out which is which.

Here are some ways to get people to leave you alone:

1. Run naked through a mall yelling "killer bees! killer bees!"
2. Put a Slinkie around your neck and try to walk down the stairs backwards headfirst.
3. Take lots of pills. One of them might work.
4. Try to imagine Gomer Pile in a gay bar attempting to get lucky. Do this without laughing.
5. Moon a funeral.
6. Streak a church service.
7. Find the person who said Pauly Shore should star in movies. Do not be surprised if it is the same guy who said John Gacey should work with children.
8. During and IRS audit, staple the guy's hand to his desk.
9. Play go fetch with a seeing eye dog while it is working.
10. Try to touch your forehead with your tounge. You will probably fail, but many women will appreciate the effort.
11. Understand your conception was an accident. Your parents were drunk and wanted a few more laugh before they passed out.
12. Wish no ill will to anyone, unless you do not like them - then screw them, they are on their own.
13. Ask a Hells Angel if he is a woman, or has he always walked like that.
14. Roll around in a vat of honey, then kick a fire ant pile.
15. Go out in public wearing a heavy jacket in the summer, humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
16. Go to a pet store carrying a bag full of cardboard tubes and see if they will sell you a dozen gerbils.
17. Ask the dollar store people what they have on sale.
18. Take your cat to Wal-Mart. Tell people that you are going to let your cat pick out some toys, then try out some litter boxes.
19. Smoke catnip, just to see what the cops will do about it.
20. Get a neon sign for your car that says "Student Driver". See how many people leave a large space for you in traffic.

And finally, to all the fine public educators in Florida - enjoy your last day of summer. You know what Monday is.