Songs For A3P And Other Stuff

Upon reading about A3P's adventures over the holidays, I dug up some MP3 files that I feel add to the whole theme. So here they are! Download em and send em off via e-mail!

WARNING! These files contain noises and subject matter that the FCC, John Ashcroft, and other constipated, uptight, moral-mongers might not approve of. Which of course makes them all the funnier!

1. I Love The Way You Fart
2. If I Farted In Heaven
3. Silent Fart (Deadly Fart)
4. Symphony Of Farts
5. The Crepitation Contest

All these are radio bits, pulled from The Neil Rogers website. Neil is a local radio host that has been on the air since the days of Marconi (google him if you do not know). NONE of the bits can be played anymore, thanks to the "Super Boob" incident, and the repressive Bush Administration's FCC crackdown on TV and radio. Nevermind that track number 5 is AT LEAST 60 years old, it can not be on American radio anymore. Thank God for the BBC and the CBC eh? At least in Canada ancient radio bits can live on. Just do not let any of those Canadian radio signals cross the border, for sending fart noises into America is grounds for the FCC to declare war! Kind of like in the South Park movie.

And what is so bad about these bits? Do they contain any bad words? Almost no (The Crepitation Contest DOES have the S word at the end). And they are audio files, so no unwanted boobs will pop out at you. But they contain NOISES. Thats right, noises. Simulations of farts. Not REAL fart noises, just emulations of noises that could possibly be representitive of fart noises. Truly evil stuff here.

So, what was OK for radio 60 years ago, back when domestic violence was funny and Ward could be hard on The Beaver on television - is totally NOT ok today. And do not even get me started on the Dick Van Dyke Show! Could you imagine that show getting on the air today? It would never happen. Not in America today! People are FAR TOO uptight.

And what was so bad about the Howard Stern show? If the FCC would not have made such a fuss about him saying "lesbian" on the air, generating all that FREE PRESS for the show, he might have just vanished from the dial. But no. He exploited the system, and made millions of dollars in the process. And GOOD FOR HIM! At least someone had the balls to stick it to the FCC and the repressive atmosphere of USA broadcasting.

In the 70s, the BBC was showing Benny Hill. would American TV EVER DARE show something like that? Hell no - the FCC would be on them like ugly on a warthog, or a dead muskrat on Donald Trump's head (SOMEONE PLEASE GET THAT MAN A BETTER WIG AS A GIFT!!)

The FCC was never intended to regulate what is on the air, the FCC was created to simply regulate who could use what frequencies. Before the FCC, anyone could use any frequency at any power level they wanted. So the big companies would broadcast on the same frequency smaller companies used, but with more power. The result was nobody could listen to anything.

So the government created the FCC, and the FCC told broadcasters what frequency and power level to use. This way, a bunch of stations could share the band without any power wars going on.
But shortly after the creation of the FCC, a church group (catholic I think) saw a golden opportunity. In the name of "family, decency, and the children" they proposed things that eventually gave the FCC the power to dictate content. Whatever the church groups did not like was removed from the air. Just like the same people try to ban books, TV shows, radio shows, artwork, and anything else they do not like today.

You can run some google searches and verify what I said about the creation of the FCC. Go on, do it. You will find that the original reason for the FCC was NOT to repress content. That was the church's idea. They LOVE to repress ideas that they do not like. They have been doing it for thousands of years now, why should they stop?

But what about the family! You might be asking me this now. My solution is simple, and does not need any FCC repressive constipated old man to get involved. The concept is revolutionary in nature, yet so simple that even a child could understand it.

If you do not like a TV show (like that Apprentice show with that dead muskrat wearing asshole Donald Trump), DO NOT WATCH IT! Thats right, watch something else! Turn off the TV and read a book! Maybe walk around the block a few times! Go have sex! Do whatever you want, just do not watch the show that offends you.

Ratings drive the TV and radio market. Shows with poor ratings (like that awful Greg The Bunny show on Fox) vanish overnight, never to be seen again. Only shows with high ratings remain on the air.

So, if an "offensive" show remains on the air, it is because lots of other people like it. The fact you do not like it does NOT MEAN that the FCC should step in and force the show off the air. If enough people do not watch a show - it is GONE. Like That 80's Show, and Alf.

What amazes me the most is that the Republicans have turned all this morality crap into their pet issue. They claim to be the party of God, the party of the family, and so forth. They also claim to love an open and free market. Yet, they want to use the FCC to regulate the TV and radio market, as opposed to just letting the ratings system do its thing.

And if millions want to listen to Howard Stern talk about how hot a couple of lesbians are, that nobody except him can see because it is RADIO, more power to them. Those who do not like it can listen to Barney CDs.

For the record, I do not listen to Howard. I think his show is simply bad radio. He is really doing a TV show over the radio - and this is just dull to listen to. I cant SEE the strippers, so why do I want to hear about how hot they are?

And while I have had Sirius Satellite Raido for a number of years now, I am worried about Howard moving to Sirius. The company has to pay him $100 million per year. That is about 1/3 of the company's revinue. I am concerned that Howard may bankrupt Sirius, which would suck because I like the service. I will probably not listen to Howard's channels.