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Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Friday

Welcome to "Black Friday"! You know, the day when you rush out with all the other morons good consumers and buy stuff. Lots of stuff. The more stuff you buy, the better off the retailers are. SO DO NOT BE STINGY! This is not a good time to be cheap! Tens of highly paid CEOs of various big box retailers are counting on you to make their bonus! If you do not spend at least a grand, the terrorists win! And we do not want that to happen now do we? Of course not!

So lets all go out and fight for parking spaces! Some old lady is going to take that spot near the entrance to the mall that YOU were waiting for? Shoot her ass! This is no time for the timid! Only the strong shall survive! Well the strong and those armed with Colt .45 pistols! Or better yet, pack a Thompson sub-machine gun. Get all Al Capone on someone's ass. They probably deserve it for all you know. I even have a pen striped suit! All I need is a cool Al Capone style hat, a cigar, and the Thompson. And a 1920s style Fleetwood or Studebaker. Either one, although the Fleetwood wins for style.

Today starts the most dangerous time of the year! Come on everyone - sing along! You know the tune! With the crazies all shopping and everyones driving like they want to die (and take YOU with them), its the most dangerous time of the year!

Seriously, I do not know about where you live, but here in Miami the crazy time is going to start soon. People in this city are mostly rude and crass to begin with - add in the "holiday hysteria" factor and it is downright dangerous to be in a parking lot! Or on the roads. If it looks like you are walking back to your car, WATCH OUT! Drivers hunting for a spot will see you and race to where you are. Then they stalk you, the bumper of their car inches behind you. And if you are just going back to your car to put stuff away then go back into the stores to buy more stuff? You may get shot. Or at the very least cursed at.

Sometimes drivers get into honking matches over the spot you are walking towards. He with the loudest horn wins. Usually. When I drove an old beat up Dodge Daytona I would win a lot of these matches, because my adversary was driving a much nicer car worth at least $50,000. They could tell by all the dents and missing paint that I had no problems just running into things, so in a game of parking lot chicken who knew what the hell I would do? And would someone driving such a crappy car have insurance? Do you want to find out? Well DO YOU? I thought so! The spot is mine!!!!

But now I have a truck with only a few minor battle scars. The biggest battle scar is from a #@#%$%$# rock that shot out of the side of the lawn mower, crashing into the drivers side door right by the door handle. Did I ever mention I HATE having to mow the stupid lawn!?! Let the grass grow man! Why must suburbanites try to control nature with primitive, dangerous, gas consuming, loud, polluting, and pointless machines? I for one can not wait till grass evolves to be harder than steel. THEN lets see how that lawn mower works! And no way in hell am I going to pay for a titanium blade!

As for me - I shall not buy squat today. Actually, I take that back. I may buy something, but it will be food and/or beer. I could use a nice pint of White Star IPA or Britannic Bitter. Perhaps a Captain Smith's Rye Ale? Or what the hell - a Boiler Room Brown Ale or a Shipbuilders Oatmeal Stout. It is the holidays after all. Might as well start with the whole "cheer" thing.

I am a horrible capitalist. By NOT rushing out to the nearest retail store and buying a bunch of crap, I know I am letting the terrorists win. And I know that I will not be doing my part to help the CEOs make their 4th quarter bonus. So it is up to you to take up my slack. Just think of the poor executive level management! Why, they might have to vacation in Jackson Hole and not Aspen!!! THE HORROR!!!

Buy early and buy often. It is up to you.


Blogger Fuzz said...

I had a Studebaker once. It smoked a lot, but it was a cool ride. A little hard to get parts for though. Never had a Thompson though.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I want a Thompson. Full auto! With a 100 round drum magazine. It would be cool.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didnt find thing that i need... :-(

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I could find all manners of stuff I "need". Like for example a sweet 1080p high def television! Or one of those cool Toyota FJ Cruisers, with the roof racks and the factory installed winch. Oh yea and there is this sweet 22 foot Mako center console boat with twin 150 outboards and a tandem axle aluminum float on trailer! I kind of need one of those!

But - I am far too lazy to fight the mobs of idiots. That and my last name is not "Bush" or "Kennedy" - so I lack the funds.

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