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Saturday, November 25, 2006

War Spy Report

So, the annual holiday shopping war is FULL ON.

What this means is everyone is starting to go just a little bit crazy. It will only get worse. People will be driving around, yelling horrible things at other drivers - on their way to the post office to mail off all those "peace on Earth" cards to friends and family.

TIP TO MIAMI DRIVERS! World peace begins with YOU! So put the gun down and stop pretending you do not see the person with the turn signal on trying to pull out of the parking lot. Think "world peace" and do not block the intersection. Let em out. One more car in front of you will not slow you down at all.

And remember the hundred "Goodwill towards men" cards you mailed off before you get into a fight over the last "TMX Elmo". And what are you thinking getting your kid one of those Elmo things anyway? Don't you know it uses batteries and makes a lot of noise? Do you want to be driven into the depths of insanity by a little red furry laughing bastard thing? Do you? THINK PEOPLE! It will be in your house!

Now if you are going after one of those horrid devices to give to the kid of that douche bag in accounting who stole your idea and got your promotion - BRAVO FOR YOU! Do not forget to also give that kid a whole lot of extra batteries. Revenge via Elmo is a cold dish indeed. That jerkface will never get any sleep! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

But this time of the year is not about being evil. It is about being drunk! Yes, drunk. This is spiced rum season. You never see more than two or three bottles of that nasty crap in the booze depot 11 months out of the year. But come the end of November and there are whole boxes of that swill open and ready to sell. They do not even bother to make up a little display - they know you are going to buy it to spike the egg nog.

But I say if something is crap 11 months out of the year, it is also crap in December. No, I am not a very big spiced rum fan. I would much rather take my egg nog virgin, and just do a few shots on the side.

But I was going to post a spy report about the shopping war! It is totally INSANE! People were lined up outside the Best Buy near my house at 11:30 PM Thanksgiving night. By 3 AM it looked like a football game tailgate party. I have no idea where they found all the cops at - because EVERY big retail store had some there, on top of the normal amount of cops usually on the roads.

And for what? Well there was the $250 laptop - marked down from $750. And the $10 bluetooth headset thingies, normally $50 or $60. But of course there were a limited number of these items, so most idiots camped out all night did not get one.

As for me - I resisted the propaganda. I did not buy anything. I did not run anyone over going after that last parking spot. The only place I went to was ye ole chicken wings and beer hut. I had come chicken wings and a brown ale.

And if you did not get the flu shot, here is a spy report on what to expect. You will get the slow acting funk this year. It starts out with a little tiny bit of a sore throat. Not so bad that you can't eat and feel like rushing out to see the doctor - just enough to be noticed. One of those things where you say "if it gets worse, Ill do something about it" then report to work.

And it does not really get worse. It just kind of lingers. It gets you wrapped around its finger. You wonder "does it really have to linger? Does it have to? Does it have to? Does it really have to linger?" And apparently it does. It lingers like that house guest you invited over for dinner but now it is 2 AM and they still have not taken the hint that it is time to get the F out so you have to bust out with the cattle prod and get midieval on their ass but you go too far and they and up in the hospital and the cops arrest you. Not that this has ever happened to me or anything.

Then a few days later - who really knows the time scale because like I said, the soreness is more on an annoyance than something painful - your head will start to hurt. You will take aspirin, but it will not really help that much. But the head ache will not be that horrible. I mean you will want to wear sunglasses outdoors, and you will not feel like dipping too heavy in the holiday cheer - but you will not want to die.

Now keep in mind this will all happen over a span of at least a week and a half. Maybe even closer to two weeks. It is the SLOW ACTING funk. It is not the ninja funk that hits you hard in the middle of the night - then goes away. Think geologic time scales here. A week is but a mere fraction of a nanosecond. That kind of deal. You will be able to function and all - there will be no need to dip into your sick days - but you will not feel great. You will feel "sub-OK". You know, not exactly horrible but not OK either.

When stage three hits - assuming there is a stage three - Ill post it here.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I never get a flu shot, and so far, I've gotten away with it. If you're feeling bad, then I hope there's no stage 3!

Yes, 'tis the season to drink! I'm not an eggnog fan at all, though. Christmas day goes by in a blur from all the beer, wine for dinner, and beer later on.

I agree that xmas shopping is getting insane.

17:21  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Yeah, what you said about shopping. I don't shop anymore. I just give money. It's the right size and color.

I hope that you don't get a stage three. For many years now I always get the flu shot, but when I was a kid, I never got the flu.

In 1957 the “Asian flu” pandemic made many people very sick. I was in high school then. Everyone was sick. But not me, or anyone in my family. Lucky.

20:44  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Stage three post is on its way soon!!

02:45  
Blogger Sar said...

"As for me - I resisted the propaganda. I did not buy anything."

I knew there was a reason I liked ya, Lazy Iggy. ;)

20:46  

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