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Monday, December 31, 2007

Final Post.

Final post of 2007 that is. It seems that this is the LAST DAY of the year, unless you are on the future side of the International Date Line in which case it is already tomorrow for you.

I got no plans. Nothing. Not a darn thing. It is possible something will pop up, but for now I got nothing going on. Pretty boring. I should kick over some rocks and see what I find. There has to be something going on somewhere.

But whatever. I do not care too much. The traffic is horrible anyway. And the cops are out - and since they have to work they are in a pissy mood and are looking for someone to arrest. Party poopers. Hey if you can not have any fun, might as well spread the misery! NOBODY CAN HAVE FUN! Oh well.

So what I intend to do with this post is wrap up a few loose ends. Like the poster I told Avery I would post, before I forgot about it. Something about a video game convention or some such madness. Here is my rule about conventions.


This reminds me of the one convention I did go to. I was not 21 yet, and it was a Star Trek convention. A friend of mine really wanted to go and so I did. It was amusing at first, with all the people dressed up like TV characters and speaking Klingon and shit. But after an hour or so, the amusement turned into sorrow when I realized that without Star Trek, 90% of the people there had no reason to live.

So now whenever I feel like a loser, I just remember that convention. Then I feel better about myself. At least I am not watching old TV shows thinking green chicks are hot, or trying to learn a made up alien language. Or worse yet - I am not like the guy in the poster who thinks he is a robot that can transform into a big rig. Ill bet he gets all the chicks that are into transformers. All NONE of them.

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Lazy, you seem to think you are a pirate! Whats up with that? How can you make fun of people who think they are Klingons and Optimus Prime"?

Well maybe I AM a pirate! Except instead of pieces-o-eight I have MP3s. But hell, I would rather be a fake pretend pirate than Optimus Prime. Or a ninja. You know why?


Thats right! When was the last time you saw a ninja with wenches? Or a Transformer with wenches? Or a video game character with wenches?

I thought so.

But NONE of this stuff has anything to do with the end of the year. This does

LAZY IGUANA'S NEW YEARS EVE TIPS!!!!!

Buy some Alka-Seltzer Morning Relief. NOW. Thank me later. This stuff is 500 mg aspirin with 60 mg caffeine. Perfect for....uhhhh...over indulgence relief. For some reason this stuff is hard to find. I think that production needs to be stepped up.

So if you can not find it - here is what you do. I have done this before, so I know it works. It tastes horrible - but sometimes you do not have any sick days and you have to go to work.

So you need....GOODY'S EXTRA STRENGTH HEADACHE POWDER! This stuff is cheap and effective. Each packet contains 520 mg aspirin, 260 mg acetaminophen, and 32.5 mg caffeine. This stuff WORKS.

If all else fails, then you can follow this emergency procedure. Take your standard aspirin pills (I recommend a 500 mg dose unless there is a reason you take less) and crush them. You can do this with two spoons. Place the pills in one spoon, then crush them with the other spoon. Then get some Cuban Coffee - which is also known as Espresso. Put the powdered aspirin in your mouth, then chase it with a shot of espresso.

The caffeine and aspirin work together to help the morning after. I do not fully understand the chemistry involved, I just know it works.

TIP 2 - DRINK WATER. This helps. Drink enough water and you will not need anything else.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Avery Gray said...

I loved your poster so much I had to show my husband. I think he likes you now more than he likes me. What's up with that?

Happy New Year, my friend!

00:15  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Avery - which poster? The transformer guy or the pirate with the wenches?

01:25  
Blogger Doozie said...

my bets are on the transformer.

So nothin to do huh...we'll I'm willing to bet if you go out to a new years eve party and find a hot drunk chick something indeed will pop up. Make it a costume party and dress up like a boat salesman

10:12  
Blogger Doozie said...

you might want to make yourself scarce, avery's after you with a knife.

why don't you put about 3 template choices up and let us vote on them?

10:23  
Blogger Daisy said...

Happy New Year!

11:14  
Blogger M@ said...

Well, at least he's not a butt pirate. Ninja's don't get the wenches b/c they have small swords.

11:54  
Blogger TLP said...

Happy New Year. Staying at home is okay. Nothing wrong with that.

But you coulda had a date. Why didn't you ask someone out? Lotsa cute gals are left home alone on New Year's Eve.

12:02  
Blogger Fuzz said...

Happy New Year

18:35  
Blogger AP3 said...

And a Happy Last Day to you! That's a good convention rule... and you make a fine point about wenches. So much wisdom at this blog.

18:48  
Blogger Avery Gray said...

Both, but especially the Transformer one. My son loves the Transformers now, but for the love of all that's holy, I hope he doesn't turn out like that guy.

01:23  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

The don't make eye contact thing reminds me of when I was working for this temp agency, plus a couple of other jobs. I was so tired I was just staring blankly, hoping that I wasn't drooling, as we waited for the van to pick us up. This fellow sitting across from me who looked like he made it a habit to remain three sheets to the wind as often as possible asked when he and I could get together. Rather than saying what I really thought, which was "how about half past never" I told him that I had a boyfriend. He said "oh, sorry. But with the way you were looking at me I thought you were coming on to me." At that point I said "Dude, I wasn't looking at you. I wasn't looking at anything! I'm so tired I'm just fighting to keep my eyes open!"
"Oh..." he said.
Guess all the drinking he'd been doing gave him the delusion that someone might actually find his wino ass desireable or something.

02:35  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - I had a low key night. Low key is the way to go really, there are too many po po out. They like to harass people. Plus traffic is HORRIBLE. I try to not go too far on New Years. Hanging out somewhere with friends is fine. This is not a Democracy. I like blue, so blue it is.

Daisy - thank you! I hope the year is good for you too. To be honest, 2007 kind of sucked ass here.

M@ - Butt pirates are usually found in San Francisco and Key West. I do not live in either of these two places. But I do have a blunderbuss. Me blunderbuss beats a ninja every time.

TLP - it is kind of boring. But it can be OK. It all depends on how you play it.

Fuzz - I hope 2008 brings you more rain! How is the well doing?

AP3 - People are always telling me I am full of it.

Avery - Me too. One of those guys is enough. Willie Nelson said "Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys". Well I say "Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to dress like Optimus Prime".

02:42  

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