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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Christmas Funk Update

I feel marginally better. Not that much better, but not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday all I could do was sneeze and drip snot on everything and cough and disturb Fat Fred which would cause him to bite me which caused me to kick his fat ass out of the room. This went on most of the night. I had to sleep with my head on a towel to keep the snot off the pillow. Needless to say, I got one funky nasty disease ridden crusty towel. If I had any enemies I would give them the towel for Christmas.

Germ Warfare - it is not just for the axis of evil.

This reminds me of when I would work as a substitute teacher for extra money. I would carry latex gloves and hand sanitizer with me. Why? Because more often than not, the person I was filling in for was deathly ill. And I had to sit at their desk. Touching their things. GROSS! Gloves were in order. Hey - I may be dumb but I ain't stupid.

I would also try to do the teachers a favor - by "loaning" things out to students who gave me trouble. Can't do your work because you do not have a pen that cost a quarter but you have a $300 portable game system? HERE! Use this one. And then I would look for the writing item most likely to be infected and loan that out.

Germ Warfare - not always evil. I figure that if my evil plan worked, I was doing the teacher a favor. They will probably return to work not feeling great - so how nice is it to see that that kid who gives you problems is not there? HOORAY! All thanks to me.

Of course I have no evidence any of this worked. But Ill tell you what - working in the public schools I know I was exposed to all manners of funk and disease. Lord knows when the last time the AC was disinfected! Probably never. Judging from the black mold and grossness stuck to the AC box - I would say it should be taken away by the CDC as a possible terror suspect. Really, I had thought about calling the FBI on some equipment I would see. You just know that it was blowing disease all over the room.

Oddly enough - I would not get sick. Nor did I get sick working at the airport - another public place crawling with all manners of disease. The constant attack kept my immune system running at peak efficiency. I was like Super Disease Proof Man! SARS! HA! Bring it on flight from Asia! Ill send you back home crying like a bitch that just got pimp slapped.

But now, in my seclusion, I have grown weak. Unable to fight off a simple funk attack. My super powers have been taken away from me. I feel vulnerable. It is not a good feeling, what with the whole "not really having health insurance again" thing and all. If I need drugs, I just have to resort to my street connections and possibly get arrested and become a criminal. And for what? Antibiotics? Holy fuck what Country is this?!?!?!

But antibiotics will not help me anyway, for I suspect I have a viral funk. It will just have to run its course. All natural. See I believe in the all natural method of disease fighting. I am probably running some sort of fever. But will I take aspirin? Hell no. Yea it would bring the fever down, and yes I may feel better.

But this will only prolong the funk. See a fever is your body's natural reaction to disease. Your body heats up, which speeds up the life cycle of the funk - and enables your body's white blood cells to become super ninjas. I can hear all the kung-fu sounds going on now. My white blood cells are in there, kicking ass.

So I let them be. No drugs. Drugs just make you weak, and should only be taken if you have a good reason. like you could die without them, or you have to go to work and resemble a human being for the day. For these occasions, drugs are fine. But if you can just sit in the dark and deal with it - that is the best way.

But I am being proactive. I am drinking a lot of water, mixed with this vitamin powder shit.
Now I have no evidence this helps. But likewise I have no evidence it does not help. It SEEMS to help, and that is good enough for me. 32 mineral complexes and 8 vitamins! TAKE THAT FUNK! If you can.

Back when I felt like a human being I kept a box of this at my desk, and would have one per day. But now - well what is the point? So I only go for it when I notice the box, or when I feel shitty. Like now.

On the agenda for today, I have the following events.

1. Get my teeth scraped at the dentist office - possibly spread disease and pestilence if they fuck up the bill again and try to charge me extra because of the way the bill is coded.

2. Go to the store, for I am running out of Purina Bachelor Chow, and spread more pestilence upon the world.

3. And if I feel better - leave the cave and venture into the word of the living, to have a beer with some friends. IF I do this then the disease is over. You always know the funk is over when you feel like having a beer.

I am the rider on the black horse. I feel like unleashing my punishment on all the retards of the world who make life difficult for everyone else. I should be sneezing on car door handles.

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Blogger Dusty said...

Lazy..I lmfao over the first paragraph. Damn your good, even when sick m'dear ;)

Blogger Dusty said...

Oh, and I love your Xmas tree. I left you the traditional gift which is cheap but cute!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have had such a good year this year, - hardly had a sniffle or any other ailments to speak of......until last night.....crick'd my neck a beauty and i am moving like a thunderbird today.

Blogger M@ said...

I felt bad yesterday b/c I heard some Christmas music before I could shut it off.

"I'll be home for Christmas...."

Anonymous krok23 said...

The Lazy,

Sniffing a hot chicks thong underwear always clears out my sinuses.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Dusty - disease brings out the best in me.

Ponder - once I hurt my back sitting down. I do not know what happened, but I sat on the edge of my bed to type some email on the laptop. I sat there for about 10 or so minutes, and when I got up.....pain. My back hurt for a day or two after that.

M@ - I have had my quota of Christmas Music and then some. My crew (a chick) for the boat parade thing wanted to hear Christmas music on the boat. Yea I have satellite radio with a bunch of music channels but a good captain keeps his crew happy so they do not mutiny.

Krok - one of these days you are going to end up on the pervert list the police mail out you all your neighbors.

Blogger Lily Strange said...

The first year I worked my gleeful job at the Gerri Atrik Retirement Community, I got the flu. Not the "stomach flu," but the real flu. All the coughing led to laryngitis, which I had for three weeks. Let me tell you, those old folks are NOT understanding of a person who can't talk loud enough to be heard. I still worked in the health care center part back then and those people can be downright evil! I felt like smothering more than one of them with a pillow.
In better news, one of my nasty fungus toenails seems to be clearing up. Hurray!


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