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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Memory (something that begins with the letter "M" and means "power" or "relapse" or "the opposite of I forgot")

So I remembered the great post idea I had. And as it turns out, it is not so great. It is a joke for Emma based on a comment I left of her blog.

Jesus and Satan are hanging out (they seem to do this more often than one would think). Anyhow as usual Satan gets drunk and starts running his mouth that he is the bigger computer geek. So Jesus says "no, I am the computer expert". So Satan decides to have the ultimate computer nerd contest. Jesus agrees.

So God says "let there be a pile of computer parts and assorted software", and so there was. Jesus and Satan go right at it building their computers, installing Windows, installing the software, then completing various tasks using the software. They had to make a fully functional database, a spreadsheet, create a document, make wacky photoshop pictures, remove AOL from the computer. and various other things.

About 3 hours into the contest, Jesus and Satan were neck and neck. It was going to be a photo finish.

And then the power went off. Both computers go blank. Satan lets loose with a demonic hoard of foul language. He used words so foul that they should never be uttered by humans. Jesus on the other hand just sat there, turning the other cheek.

When the power came back on. Satan furiously went at it, determined to win. He was going to do all the tasks again - faster.

Jesus pops in his CD-Rom backup, restores his work, and promptly hits the "finish" button. For Jesus saves.
Yea yea I know. Lame joke. But YOU try to make a joke where the punchline is "Jesus saves". Well go on! It is harder than one thinks it is. You are kind of limited in where the joke can go. I went the computer route. But I could have gone with a sports angle
Or a money / discount store angle. I saw the most potential in the computer route. Still not so good. Not my A list material here.

OK so time for some random observations. Why is it that when I am watching Cops or some other cop theme show, whenever I see a white guy sporting a mullet I know someone is going to jail? And why would anyone wear a mullet? Might as well have a shirt that says "I have felony warrants" or "I am probably drunk" or "I just beat my wife / girlfriend".

This reminds me of another story. When I was in high school, I heard about some guy who had an old crappy car. To be cool he painted a big A with a circle around it on the hood. Anarchy! Yea dude! Anarchy is cool! So here is this guy, probably sporting a mullet (and therefore BEGGING to be arrested) driving an old crappy car with an anarchy symbol painted on it. And to his surprise, the dude gets pulled over. So he asks the cop "why did you pull me over".

OK lets stop right there. Old car. White guy with a mullet. Anarchy symbol on the old car. 2 AM. What the hell do you think is going to happen here?

So the cop takes the license and registration and stuff and walks off, not saying much. Then the cop returns with the ticket. And he says to the kid "you know why I pulled you over? Well see that A on the hood of your car? Know what it stands for? It stands for "asshole". Here is your ticket for a tail light out".

Or something like that. I do not know if the story is true or not. I do not remember anyone driving an old crappy car with an anarchy symbol painted on it. So it could be an urban legend, or it could have been another school. Whatever.

But I DO know one really funny TRUE story from the days. And yes, it involves a mullet. There was this dude who kind of looked like a chick. Dude was short (like a chick) and insisted on sporting the mullet (sort of looked like a chick's haircut) and to make matters worse he sort of had the figure of a chick. We will just call the dude "Mit" to protect the innocent.

Anyway, someone in the motley group of people I knew planted some pot in the backyard. Not me - this was someone who lived at the end of a canal connected to a lake. Anyway, growing pot is not rocket science. You plant it and it grows. It is called "weed" for a reason.

So "Mit" goes over to the house on the canal and insists that he and he alone should be the keeper on the pot plant. At this point the plant is not that large, it is maybe 4 - 6 inches tall. But it is big enough that you KNOW what it is. The leaf is very distinctive.

Now Mit does not have a car. No big deal, lots of people do not have a car. But he decided that he should WALK HOME with the pot plant. I would say the distance from house A to house B is two or three miles. Maybe 4. And the route Mit decided to walk would take him right past a jr. high school - at the time the school lets out.

Now this is also not a big deal. Just get a paper bag, put the plant in it, and walk down the street. Nobody would look twice.

But no - this "Mit" person decides to parade past the school, while it is letting out, carrying a marijuana plant like it is the Ark Of The Covenant or something.

Now someone else from the high school that Mit and myself and everyone else we knew at the time was hanging out by the same jr. high school talking to the school cop. The same school cop would hang out at the high school which let out at 2:30 PM and then move down the street to the jr high school at 3:40.

The cop sees Mit walking down the street past the school at 3:45 just as the school is letting out for the day and TONS of people are all around.

At this point the story goes that the cop asked the person he was talking to "is that kid carrying what I think he is carrying?", and the reply was "yea man that's pot. What a fucking idiot".

So the cop walks across the street to ask Mit what that thing is. Mit says "it is a palm tree". PALM TREE?!?!

Anyhow Mit got arrested that day. The witness of course spread the story around the school. All he knew was "that guy who looks like a chick got arrested while walking past (jr high school X) while carrying a pot plant". Now there being only one dude in the school who looked like a chick, EVERYONE knew who it was. Even people who did not know the guy's name at least knew "that guy who looks like a chick". Kind of like how everyone knows who "that fat kid" is.

Of course, this being funny the story spread through the school like wildfire. People would see Mit and say "hey that is the dude that looks like a chick who was arrested carrying a pot plant past school X! What a dumb ass!".

I was actually one of the last in the school to find out, because in my opinion only LOSERS showed up at school at 6 AM. School did not start till 7:30 AM - a VERY UNHOLY HOUR to start anything. I was never a morning person. So I would attempt to show up at 7:25 AM. Very often I was late to first period. And I would flat out tell teachers that mornings suck, I was going to be late from time to time, and that was it. Deal with it. And YES I am a little grumpy - it is 7:30 in the morning and I am awake and wearing pants. What more do you want?!?!

So I am one of the last to find out. One of my other friends told me. I did not believe it at first, but then I heard it from others. And I heard it from people I did not even know. At that point I decide that maybe it is true.

Mit blamed ME for spreading the story. Pretty neat trick there, spreading a story I did not even know. I must be David Fucking Copperfield or something.

But really - did Mit expect the story to remain a secret? Hell no. That was not going to happen. Too many people saw it happen.

Just more bullshit I had to deal with, on top of all the other bullshit one is subjected to in high school, at 7:30 in the morning no less.

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Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

Okay, I've drawn the whole house to the living room with loud cackling laughter. Even the cats are curious. What a funny post, beginning to end. I have tears.

Remove AOL from the computer? I'm glad God wasn't my computer teacher! That's just mean.

Anonymous Anonymous said...


good stories today, where have you been lately? Aint seen ya around my parts fer awhile

Anonymous Anonymous said...

by any chance was mit an acronym for:

miniscule intelligence tally ?

Blogger M@ said...

Jesus saves early and often.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Scarlet - I have some "AOL instant pestering" thing on my phone. I try to remove it. As soon as the phone is connected to the computer - it is back. Windows LOVES to do this. Normally I call stuff I can not uninstall and keeps trying to open up and connect to the internet a "virus".

Doozie - I have been floating around. Here and there.

Ponder - Mit is actually "Tim" spelled backwards.

M@ - Jesus is wise.

Blogger actonbell said...

Ha, I'm sorry Aral didn't see you Jesus Saves jokes. And the pot story is funny--poor stupid kid. And I remember how hard it was to get up back then.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Actionbell - The Jesus Saves joke is not going anywhere. I would not feel too sorry for Mit. I do not think he got into that much trouble, being a minor and all. And it was only one little tiny plant. No big deal.

Blogger Avery Gray said...

Poor stupid miT. Sounds like something a pothead would do.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Avery - It was sort of stupid. I mean at least put the plant in a bag or something! But what is in the past is in the past. I do not think the guy got into too much trouble. But if the guy ever tries to get a government job it could effect that.

Blogger Lily Strange said...

I had a friend in high school who was driving along drinking a beer and got pulled over. The cop said "So, how are you enjoying that Miller you're drinking?" Jon said "What Miller?" The cop said "Son, you've already been busted drinking and driving. Don't make it worse by insulting my intelligence when the open bottle of beer is sitting right beside you."

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Lily - It is amazing anyone survives the high school years with all the stupid things that happen.

Blogger holly said...

scarlet pointed me (well us) here. i've been missing out!!! dang dude. funny-ass stuff!

i actually was served several times at wal-mart in hawaii as recently as 2004 (yes!) by a dude with a mullet. he also did that stick-your-collar-up thing. "dude! it's not 1980 any more!" could *not* walk through his line without snickering. worse, he thought i was flirting. yeah, with my kid in tow. whatever.

Blogger AP3 said...

Great cartoons! I actually have a "Jesus saves" t-shirt, the hockey goalie version. :-)

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Holly - I have a poster about that collar thing. Ill have to post it.

AP3 - Jesus would make a great goalie. Nobody would ever be able to get the puck in the net.

Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

a PALM tree? Dude, a palm tree? HHAHAHA.

Sweet Lincoln's mullet, nice anarchy sign on the car. I wonder if he would take that sweet ride to the Burning Man?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Emma - I swear that is the version I heard. He told the cop it was a palm tree. I do not know why I remember this stuff. We are talking some 15 years ago.


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