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Monday, January 07, 2008

Monday Madness

So it seems that the holidays are once and for all officially over. Public schools here start back up today. This sucks ass because it also means that traffic will get bad again. I do not know what it is ab out school days that cause traffic to get RETARDED, but it does.

Yea I understand the concept of school zones and shit. 15 mph. I can deal with that. Although I have to wonder why they are in effect around high schools. By the time you are in 10th grade I would HOPE you could cross the street. But it does not matter anyway, because it is impossible to go any faster anyway. The traffic is just too thick. High schools are the worst because so many students drive to school. Miami is a driving city. If you do not have a car, you are probably homeless. Because if you have a car you can live in it - therefore you are not homeless.

But why the hell does "expressway" traffic get all retarded? There are no schools on the side of a highway. School zones are not in effect for highways. So WHY THE HELL does traffic move even slower on them when school is going on?

I have no idea. It is a mystery. My best guess is that every school bus transmits a radio frequency that causes people to become 50 IQ points dumber. Now for people in the top .05% such as myself, this is pleasing. Lowering my IQ 50 points makes me only a little above average intelligence. So things like sports and other unimportant shit entertains me. Hey look! A billboard advertising Rolex! I would like to have one of those! Why then I would look cool! I can look at the billboard and forget about my pathetic miserable existence for the rest of the drive! La la la la la not thinking about anything.....just driving along. Hey is that a butterfly? I think it was! What a great day this is!

The problem is that when you take the average person, which accounts for 80% of the local population of Miami (and if they were in any other real city might be declared "retarded but functional enough to do simple tasks and not have to live in a group home) and then take away 50 IQ points what results is no better than a bunch of chimps from the zoo driving cars. In fact, the chimps would probably do a better job. Of the remaining 20%, 19.95% are in fact retarded (but still drive because in Florida ANYONE can drive - even the blind. The AARP owns this state and keep it that way) - and the remaining .05% are "at or above what is considered average intelligence outside of Florida and the deep south.

When I say I am in the top .05%, I am not claiming to be Steven Hawkings here. I am simply comparing myself to the other idiots who populate this place. The Miami top .05% are like (pick any other REAL major city in the world - and NO Atlanta does not count because if you take the airport out of that place you have another town in Georgia, trying to call yourself the "Paris of the South" is like saying you are King Shit or Turd Land and probably insulting to the real Paris. People from all over the world go to Paris on purpose - when someone from anywhere else in the world except Georgia are in Atlanta it is because they have a connecting flight and Delta probably lost their luggage) top 20%.

So I hate it when school is back in session, when it comes to driving and traffic issues.

But there is the other side. The good side. When school is back, there are less kids running all over the place. So that is good.

I done went and derailed my own train of thought. I do this often. I wonder why my thoughts even bother having rails anymore - the train seldom follows them anyway. Rails for my thoughts are like lane markers on Miami roads - merely a suggestion but do not feel like you have to pay attention to them.

I have grown addicted to getting XM radio service through my phone. This is cool as hell. Who needs a MP3 player when you have satellite radio service through the phone? The audio quality is not the best (it is highly compressed and I can sometimes tell) but what the heck, I am listening to it through headphones.

This is another thing that pisses me off. Audiophiles. You probably know one. EVERYTHING sucks unless it is "high fidelity super duper mega surround sound with speakers costing at least a grand a pop". Please. You are in a fucking CAR! Not a concert hall. You are wearing HEADPHONES! Do not talk to me about sampling rates and how records are better than MP3 files. You are on HEADPHONES! Get over it and shut the fuck up. I do not CARE if the bit rate for my MP3s is less than 1,000,000,000,000 kb/second. It makes NO DIFFERENCE! I am using a pair of headphones with a speaker the size of the end of your dick. Maybe larger, but not by much.

If you all want to go around talking shit about crap you do not know much about anyway - fine. It is a free Country. But I also have the freedom to laugh at you, and tell you to shove a razor up your ass.

Now I am sure some audiophile is reading this, getting upset or otherwise feeling like you need to tell me something I do not know and can not possibly understand. But save yourself the effort. UNLESS you have designed a concert hall - a REAL concert hall not one made of Legos - do not type anything.

I know my stuff is not the best. And I do not care. I do not live in my car, therefore I do not need the best system possible. Most of my driving is short hauls anyway. I live in a city, not the sticks. Everything I need is at the most 5 or 6 miles from where I am now. My home system is good enough. The four 6.5 inch two way speakers in the boat are also good enough. No the water does not ripple around the boat when the bass thumps, but whatever.

So for my purposes, the less than CD quality really compressed low bit rate stuff I get over the phone and listen to though wireless bluetooth headphones is plenty good enough. When I get my very own concert hall that is the envy of the world, then I will worry about spending money on a better system.

Yea I know, your car has a better system than the place pictured above. The acoustics in that place suck, because you say so. If you could install the stuff you put in your home in this hall then maybe it would sound decent.



Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

Again with the phone? But, excellent Monday morning rant! My day is starting off great. Seriously.

Don't worry: I know nothing about any of that stuff or anything else.

Blogger TLP said...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

far out, things have come a long way. i remember going to the drive-in and the sound was this big metal speaker thing that you stuck in the side window. oh, the joy when they made it so that you could tune in through the fm radio. (that was an invention that steven hawking could have proudly put his name to) all this talk of compressed files & bit rates it really that important???

Blogger actonbell said...

Have you heard of this newly-coined word?
chav ~ noun

A youth whose behavior is marked by ignorance, aggression, and a fondness for jewelry and clothing.

My senses are definitely DULL.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate hiccups more than anything else in the world aside from stinky crack

Anonymous Legomyego said...

Hey I found a Lego concert hall!

Blogger Avery Gray said...

Rainbows make for happy days. Butterflies are the scourge of the skies. And teenagers make my blood boil. Thank God I'll never have one of those.

Oh, wait...

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Scarlet - I always have the best Monday rants. Start the week off right!!

TLP - Speechless I see :)

Ponder - I went to a drive in that had one of those tinny metal clip on the window wired speakers. I even remember the car - it was a 1969 Plymouth Charger - two door model. That or a Ford Grand Torino. Those were the two cars my parents had back then. It was a double feature. I wanted to go because the drive in theater was close to the house. Movie 1 was some animated Disney movie. I do not remember which one. I went to sleep before it was over. This was when I was 4 or so and I was not on the night shift. Good times.

Action - no, I never heard of that word. But I do know "chillax". It means "chill out and relax".

Doozie - you and me both. Last time I had hiccups that lasted more than two minutes I wanted to stab myself in the stomach to get the air out of there.

Lego - Is that a concert hall or a church? Everyone is looking away from the balcony area. Very strange.

Avery - I saw all three today. Lucky me.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

My car still has the shit system it came with. Oh well. It's kind of like me. The only thing I've added to my crappy body to make it better is caps on my top front teeth because the real ones are butt ugly.
I sometimes think I'm in the top
.01% intelligence-wise when it comes to all the SUV-loving muttonheads here in the People's Republic of Boulder, and I'm certainly no genius!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - if I lived where it snows and shit I may have a 4x4. But that is because I am lazy - and there would be a snow plow attached to said 4x4. Leave it parked in the garage and when I had to go somewhere just go. Snow in the way? I am not going to shovel that shit. Ill just plow it out of my way and if it ends up in your yard it is your problem.

People would hate me. And I would not care.


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