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Thursday, December 04, 2008

If This Letter Is For You, You Are Retarded

Open letter to the Miami-Dade so called "Express Way" Authority:

Dear Retard,

I know you were dropped on your head when you were born. And as much as I support work programs for people with severe mental disabilities, I do not think it is a good idea to allow them to design roads.

For example, who the fuck thought that ONE LANE exiting the 836 onto I-95 was enough? Well guess what - it was nowhere near enough!

Let me explain what happens. I am sure you people know about Sunpass. You know, electronic toll collection? Yea. Well you made these two really cool Sunpass lanes right before the I-95 exit. Now if you happen to be in the far left hand lane - which is a Sunpass only lane - then you are set to use that exit. Unless you merge out of it.

But what if you do not have Sunpass? Well then you have to stop and pay the toll with cash. And then you have to merge across AT LEAST two lanes to get to the exit lane.

So what is the problem?

When there is a lot of traffic - which is ALWAYS - there are two kinds of asshole douchbags. Asshole douche type A thinks they can just stay in the lane next to the I-95 lane until the very last minute, STOP, then squeeze into the exit lane.

Of course this clogs up TWO lanes. The exit lane (everyone else waiting in the line has to stop to let some fucking dickless motherfucking douche into the exit lane) - and the other lane (everyone there has to stop because some fucking dickless motherfucking douche is stopped in that lane).

The type B asshole does not want to get off on I-95. But since they are related to you, the people who created this mess, they are also retarded. So they pretend they do not notice they are in an exit lane. Then, as the last minute, they stop and try to get out of the exit.

The end result if I have to wait at least 30 minutes to go 1/2 a mile.

Once on I-95 north, it was pretty clear sailing. So do not say "the problem is I-95". It is not. The problem is the assholes who think they are too important to wait in a line, and the retards who thought one exit lane was enough.

I do not know which group is the bigger asshole. The road designers or the drivers.

And then there is the "express lanes" on I-95. What a fantastic idea! Two lanes, reserved only for those who want to go north on I-95 from the 836 to the Golden Glades Interchange. 8 miles of exit free lane. Assholes that want to get into the two left lanes for a mile, then weave across three other lanes of traffic to make an exit are not allowed in. Plastic sticks act as a barrier.

Except assholes still think that because the barriers are just oversize straws, and their cars are metal, they can drive through them. And cause accidents.

Now this is not the fault of the designers. That problem is all retarded drivers.

But for all you jerk offs who think that drivers tests should be given in languages OTHER than English - FUCK YOU! You give people a test in Spanish. Fine. Not everyone speaks English after all. And Spanish is every bit as much of a real language as English. People can have in depth discussions on very complex ideas in Spanish after all. I wish I could speak it better.

But the ROAD SIGNS ARE ALL IN ENGLISH! Now maybe you do not see the problem here. So allow me to connect the dots.

Prospective new Miami resident who just arrived, feet still wet, walks into the DMV. They are given a drivers manual in Spanish. They read it and take the test. They pass the test. So now they have a license.

Except the road signs are still in English. So they do not know what "exit lane only" means. To them that shit is gibberish. Just like a road sign written in Creole, German, Japanese, Chinese, Korean, French, Swiss, or Arabic would be gibberish to you. Unless you can read one of these languages. In which case take the language you CAN read and substitute Ancient Greek, Babylonian, Aramaic, or the lost language of Easter Island - whichever one you CAN'T read.

Now you get my point. Do you think if you move to Russia you can take the drivers test in any language other than Russian? What about Poland! Can I move there and take a drivers test in any language other than Polish? NO!??!?! Well I can take a drivers test in France in some other language! NOPE!!

Well no shit! You mean to drive in France I have to know what the scribbling on the French road signs means?? What kind of communist bullshit is that?

Why even have a drivers test? I mean if people can pass this test and still not know what "exit lane only" means - why not let people who can't read anything in ANY language just get a license? Why even have signs? Lets just wing it.

Anyhow these "licensed" drivers become a menace. Because THEY CAN NOT READ THE SIGNS! So they end up in the "express lane" then decide to just ignore the plastic stick barrier. Or they stay in a clearly marked exit lane until the last minute - then come to a STOP so they can get out of the lane.

But this is not the only problem. The retards have mostly learned about the "express lanes". And they work! I was able to zip along at increased speed from the the other lanes.

So I am thinking "WOW! Something that works!"

UNTIL I approach the Golden Glades. The two "express" lanes ends. EVERYONE who does not want to keep going north now has about 50 yards to get out of the "express" lane.

So as you can imagine, this creates a problem.

And if that were not bad enough, one of the two "express" lanes becomes an exit for the fucking turnpike! So if you are in the right hand "express" lane you have to get the fuck out of it if you want to keep going north.

Otherwise you are on the turnpike, unless you can cut off someone else and get back on the slow I-95 lanes to keep going north.

(Fill in the deity of your choice) be with you if you want to do anything else.

And of course, after the cluster fuck caused by the end and then rebirth of the "express" lane it was clear sailing once again.

It took be about 1.25 hours to go close to 30 miles. 45 minutes of that was wasted on TWO MILES of road. The other 28 miles was a 60 mph cruise. Really.



Blogger Fuzz said...

I think I'm beginning to see why Florida drivers are insane.

Blogger Dusty said...

I think they are related to the folks that do the highways and exits in Cali.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Fuzz - Normally I can remain calm and not fly off the handle. But other times I just want to strangle someone.

Dusty - It is possible. Stupidity is contagious. And genetic!

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

All I can say is that I bow down to this great letter. It really kicks ass!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - yes it is. And I still hope it gets read by someone who caused all this shit.


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