Sadistic Health Care Practitioners.

I made it to the dentist this morning. Like a manly man I just lie in the chair and take whatever punishment they can unleash. The hygienist used the metal hook thing to scrape off what little plaque built up. There was not much to scrape off. I told her not to use that numbing gel crap - because it tastes awful. And I do not need it. Pick away. Make me bleed. What the heck do I care? Besides, this way I can look like a tough guy in front of the staff - some of whom are hot. The others are either dudes are really NOT hot. I do not care about them. They even have the words "pain tolerant" written on my records.

The reality is that the numbing gel does not work. Its effects are very short lived. So you are better off without it.

Anyway after the cleaning and scraping and polishing and stuff, it was time to measure the gum pockets! The two I had are gone. The medicine powder that was injected worked. But there was a new gum pocket - 5mm deep. That is pretty deep. It was in my upper teeth, and supposedly not there last time. But they gave me another powder injection which should take care of that. No problem.

And then the cleaning was done. So there was only one more thing left to do before I could leave. The actual dentist had to come and poke at my teeth with a hook.

Now keep in mind I am "pain tolerant" and opted out of the numbing gel crap.

So the dude comes in and starts poking around, looking for soft spots in teeth that could be a cavity. On my lower left molars I have some fillings. But they are old. The dentist looks at them, and picks at them. Now I can feel this. It does not feel good. That area is sensitive. So the dentist says "put a watch on teeth number (whatever)". Then he pokes around more.

So I let out a slight very short grunt. As in "hey you fuck head, knock that off before I sneeze on you and infect you with my Christmas Funk". So he says "Oh, is that sensitive"?

Uhhhh...YES. You asshole. It is. I would very much like it if you just jot that down somewhere and STOP POKING IT.

So he keeps picking at the area. What the hell? I already told you that there is some sensitivity there - and here I am Mr. Pain Tolerant and all. So you keep poking at the sensitive area with a sharp stainless steel hook???

Why??? Really - WHY?? Do you get off on that sort of thing?

So apparently, my old fillings have worn down and need to be replaced. This will be done in a few weeks. I will be OK till then.

Now this is depressing. I HATE THE DRILL!!! The drill is horrible. I hate the sound. I hate the heat it creates. I hate smelling the stench of tooth enamel getting ground down. I hate everything about the drill.

"Pain tolerant" or not - I will get the happy gas. I want the happy gas. They can bill me for the happy gas. Whatever - I want the happy gas. I will even bring a balloon with me, so I can fill that up with happy gas for the drive home.

I promise I will only breathe it in at red lights.

After I am sufficiently happy enough, then I guess I will get the Novocaine shot. But even then, the tooth nerve is sometimes difficult to numb. So I better be really happy. Otherwise, I may have to shove my dental records up someones ass so far that another doctor will have to reach down that person's throat to extract them.

AND IN OTHER HAPPIER NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, my bout of the Christmas Funk had a change of heart. Why try to ruin my holiday? So the mung went away. Sometime last night after I went to sleep, it departed.

So I am no longer the Horseman of the Apocalypse whose job it is to spread pestilence. This is good because I do not really have a horse. Riding a horse is OK for a short time, but I would hate to have to go everywhere on horseback. That would suck. Horses do not come with air conditioning. And if it rains you get wet. Therefore I conclude that being a horseman is overrated.

I had the funk for two days. Not too bad. So I guess my immune system is not so bad after all. Lesser men would have been down for longer. But not me. I did not even take any drugs.

So once again my crazy theories panned out. Let the disease run its course - and you either live or you die. Either way, there is no need for drugs. This time I lived.

Things are slowly returning to normal. The funk is gone. I feel better. I can use my nose to breathe with again. I do not have the constant snot drip going on. I do not need the gross dried up snot encrusted disease ridden towel that should be burned in the backyard for the good of humanity anymore. I was able to enjoy a few beers today.

But not my SPECIAL BEER. The special beer is still in the fridge. I have to be in peak physical condition to open it. I want to be able to take in the full special beer experience. I have to be able to smell and taste properly. I still have a slight residual funkiness going on, so I want that to be gone.

The special beer is called Sampson Lager, a fine Pilsner from the Czech Republic.

And yes, it says "Budweiser Bier". See my fellow Americans - REAL BUDWEISER comes from The Czech Republic - not America. Long before America was a Country, there was Budweiser in the Czech Republic. Anheuser Busch stole the name, and got the copyright for it here in America. And thanks to those assholes - for many years a lot of Czech beer could not be sold here, due to "copyright infringement".

Yea right. Like anyone would mistake a fine imported pilsner for the shit that you find in a can of Budweiser. According to Anheuser Busch, Budweiser has been brewed since 1876. Well guess what? The town of Ceske Budejovice was founded in 1055 - over 800 years before Anheuser Busch and over 700 years before America was an independent nation. And they have been making "beer from Budweis" or "Budweiser Beer" for centuries. So there. Take that.

Christmas Funk Update

I feel marginally better. Not that much better, but not as bad as yesterday. Yesterday all I could do was sneeze and drip snot on everything and cough and disturb Fat Fred which would cause him to bite me which caused me to kick his fat ass out of the room. This went on most of the night. I had to sleep with my head on a towel to keep the snot off the pillow. Needless to say, I got one funky nasty disease ridden crusty towel. If I had any enemies I would give them the towel for Christmas.

Germ Warfare - it is not just for the axis of evil.

This reminds me of when I would work as a substitute teacher for extra money. I would carry latex gloves and hand sanitizer with me. Why? Because more often than not, the person I was filling in for was deathly ill. And I had to sit at their desk. Touching their things. GROSS! Gloves were in order. Hey - I may be dumb but I ain't stupid.

I would also try to do the teachers a favor - by "loaning" things out to students who gave me trouble. Can't do your work because you do not have a pen that cost a quarter but you have a $300 portable game system? HERE! Use this one. And then I would look for the writing item most likely to be infected and loan that out.

Germ Warfare - not always evil. I figure that if my evil plan worked, I was doing the teacher a favor. They will probably return to work not feeling great - so how nice is it to see that that kid who gives you problems is not there? HOORAY! All thanks to me.

Of course I have no evidence any of this worked. But Ill tell you what - working in the public schools I know I was exposed to all manners of funk and disease. Lord knows when the last time the AC was disinfected! Probably never. Judging from the black mold and grossness stuck to the AC box - I would say it should be taken away by the CDC as a possible terror suspect. Really, I had thought about calling the FBI on some equipment I would see. You just know that it was blowing disease all over the room.

Oddly enough - I would not get sick. Nor did I get sick working at the airport - another public place crawling with all manners of disease. The constant attack kept my immune system running at peak efficiency. I was like Super Disease Proof Man! SARS! HA! Bring it on flight from Asia! Ill send you back home crying like a bitch that just got pimp slapped.

But now, in my seclusion, I have grown weak. Unable to fight off a simple funk attack. My super powers have been taken away from me. I feel vulnerable. It is not a good feeling, what with the whole "not really having health insurance again" thing and all. If I need drugs, I just have to resort to my street connections and possibly get arrested and become a criminal. And for what? Antibiotics? Holy fuck what Country is this?!?!?!

But antibiotics will not help me anyway, for I suspect I have a viral funk. It will just have to run its course. All natural. See I believe in the all natural method of disease fighting. I am probably running some sort of fever. But will I take aspirin? Hell no. Yea it would bring the fever down, and yes I may feel better.

But this will only prolong the funk. See a fever is your body's natural reaction to disease. Your body heats up, which speeds up the life cycle of the funk - and enables your body's white blood cells to become super ninjas. I can hear all the kung-fu sounds going on now. My white blood cells are in there, kicking ass.

So I let them be. No drugs. Drugs just make you weak, and should only be taken if you have a good reason. like you could die without them, or you have to go to work and resemble a human being for the day. For these occasions, drugs are fine. But if you can just sit in the dark and deal with it - that is the best way.

But I am being proactive. I am drinking a lot of water, mixed with this vitamin powder shit.
Now I have no evidence this helps. But likewise I have no evidence it does not help. It SEEMS to help, and that is good enough for me. 32 mineral complexes and 8 vitamins! TAKE THAT FUNK! If you can.

Back when I felt like a human being I kept a box of this at my desk, and would have one per day. But now - well what is the point? So I only go for it when I notice the box, or when I feel shitty. Like now.

On the agenda for today, I have the following events.

1. Get my teeth scraped at the dentist office - possibly spread disease and pestilence if they fuck up the bill again and try to charge me extra because of the way the bill is coded.

2. Go to the store, for I am running out of Purina Bachelor Chow, and spread more pestilence upon the world.

3. And if I feel better - leave the cave and venture into the word of the living, to have a beer with some friends. IF I do this then the disease is over. You always know the funk is over when you feel like having a beer.

I am the rider on the black horse. I feel like unleashing my punishment on all the retards of the world who make life difficult for everyone else. I should be sneezing on car door handles.

Full Of Christmas Cheer

Yes I am full of Christmas cheer. Hell I am so full of Christmas Cheer that I am overflowing with it. It is leaking out of every pore in my body.

Of course by "Christmas cheer" I really mean "Christmas snot" and by "every pore on my body " I mean "my nose".

Yes, I have contracted some mystery Christmas funk. I do not know how this happened. I have pretty much secluded myself from the general public. But I did go to Barnes and Noble the other day to look for a book I could read before signing up for the sailing class. And then I went to Best Buy to look for a XD card reader. Then I went to the supermarket to buy food and beer and shit. So I could have picked up the Christmas Funk from any of these places.

In other news, you may notice my Iguana Links to the left. One of those links is Bock Imagery. If you can, link to it on your site. A good friend of mine is attempting to start some photography business. So the more links the site gets, the faster Google will index it.

Anyway, I found some books at Barnes and Noble - but did not buy any. I found the XD card reader at Best Buy. The retards employees pointed me to the external readers that require a USB cable. I explained that I have a laptop, and if I am going to connect anything to the computer with a cable it will be the camera. They told me that was all they had, and then I found a PCMCIA 6 in 1 reader that fits into the card slot on my laptop and reads XD cards, memory stick, and SD cards. Perfect.

I should have known something funky was going on in the Publix. See I usually use the express lane. Normally I buy 10 items or less. This is why I like to by my emergency food (boxed macaroni and cheese) in 6 packs. The 6 packages are wrapped together counting as one item.

Anyway there were no 6 packs. So I bought 4 boxes. And then I bought some cans of food. And some of those "instant noodles" things. And some organic "happy cow" whole milk. And some organic "happy cow" half-and-half. And of course, beer. So I had way more than 10 items.

But I get in the express line anyway. I do not realize I have more than 10 items till it is too late. so now I look like an idiot in front of the Publix checkout chick. Great. At that point I knew something was going on.

This morning the funk was in force. I spent the day moping around, feeling mostly bad. I also managed to lock myself out of the bathroom. I tried to open the door using a wire hanger - but that did not work. Now there is another shitter here so I could just use that. But all my shower stuff was in the locked bathroom. So I removed the door knob. Had I been noticing things, I would have seen that what I needed to open the door was a simple flat head screwdriver. But did I notice that? Hell no. So I had to destroy the door knob to get the door open. Now it is held shut by a screwdriver jammed in where the knob used to be. Darn Christmas Funk!

Now for some photos! A post about Christmas Funk is just not right. So here we go! Photos from my great Broward ICW adventure on December 15th!

This is not from my adventure. This is the "always on tap" beer menu from Titanic Brewery. I was playing with some camera settings. If you are into beer you may want to click the image to see it in full size so you can read it.

This is my boat, at the docks of the Southport Raw Bar located at 15th street and Cordova. It is a pretty good place.

This is another view of the boat at the docks of the Southport Raw Bar. I had the fish and chips, and 3 or 4 Guinness "pub draft" bottles.

This is a photo of a cruise ship at Port Everglades - the Holland America "Zuiderdam". It must be a high end ship, because it sails from Florida to Europe, 6 - 16 day Caribbean cruises, and Panama Canal cruises.

This is a view of Port Everglades while passing under the 17th street bridge. Click it and you can see several cruise ships.

And this is a small mega yacht. In fact, this may be the tender from a larger yacht that was too big to make it into the ICW.

That about does it!