Cult Of Foamy

It has been a long time since we have heard from Foamy!

And who is Foamy? Dude - you do not know? Foamy is a very pissed off squirrel. But Foamy is also an excellent commentator. Foamy should have a TV show really. The squirrel is that good.

For example:



Now now great is that? I could not come up with a better heat related rant myself. Except I would have ranted more about how useless a lot of "news" is. NEWS FLASH! IT IS HOT! Well no shit. It is "the summer". It does not usually snow in "the summer". If it did snow then that would be news.

On the flip side of the coin, it is NOT NEWS that it is cold in "the winter". This is normal. Normal shit is NOT NEWS! News is, by definition, shit you may want to know about that is NOT NORMAL. If something happened every day, it is about as newsworthy as my Monty Python themed boxer shorts.

The boxer shorts say "I fart in your general direction". Just so you know.



Fart jokes work for underwear.

But getting back to Foamy.



Foamy rules.

Vote Time!

ATTENTION! MORE FOAMY AT THE END OF THIS POST! So if my Florida / local election rant is too boring skip to the end for some more Foamy!!! Today Foamy talks about driving in Miami.

Yes it is that time again. Almost. See in years past, Florida had its primary sometime in October. Well not that late but it might as well have been. It was weeks after Super Tuesday. So late in primary season that by the time Florida got around to voting it did not matter because everyone except one person had already dropped out of the race for both parties.

So voters could vote in a primary - but the results did not matter. For example, in 2000 there were only two guys really running after Super Tuesday - Al Gore and Bill Bradley. Bill dropped out BEFORE the Florida primary. So what the crap was the point in going to the polls? There was none. It was a big waste o time. Of course I went anyway and voted for Bill just because I figured "throw the guy a bone". Not like it mattered anyway. Because it did not. Oh yea - I was also not entirely happy with the prospect of Al Gore running on the Democrat side.

Face it, the guy is as stiff as a wooden cigar store Indian. Granted, on the Republican side only W was still in the race - which totally confused the hell out of me. The Republicans could have ran with a candidate that could SPEAK PROPERLY. But that is all ancient history.

The point is, nobody living in Florida in EITHER PARTY had any say whatsoever in who ran. But people in horse ball three electoral vote States get tons of attention. Nobody even thinks about Florida until the actual Presidential election and then we are important and three vote States are...well three vote States. Florida is worth as much as 7 New Hampshires and 9 Vermonts in November.

But Florida changed its primary date for this year. Now I get to vote on January 29 - BEFORE Super Tuesday. Of course the Democrat party has some sort of major issue with this, so my vote still does not count. Officially anyway. Like Michigan there are NO DELEGATES this year for Florida. So no matter who wins, they will not get any delegates. Therefore, nobody is officially campaigning in Florida.

So even though the date is earlier, my vote still does not amount to a fart in a tornado. In theory. A big winner in Florida (a Southern State with A LOT of electoral votes) may give someone "momentum" and give some asshole on TV something to talk about for a day or two.

UNLIKE Michigan I can not vote "uncommitted". Everyone is in the ballot.

But still, there is one good thing about this. I really think the primaries are pretty much a waste, but for YEARS sneaky bastards have been sticking shit in the primary ballots so that nobody shows up to vote and therefore things get passed. Lots of terrible State and Local crap has been passed this way. Well now MAYBE there will be a larger turnout and this crap will stop happening.

So how will I vote? That is the topic for today. The rest was just background info.

For the presidential primaries I plan to skip the vote. Not vote for anyone. A famous Florida UNDER VOTE! Remember those? But if I do vote for someone Ill pick......uhhhh....someone NOT Hillary or Obama. Maybe I will pick Edwards. Or one of the other guys who has not won anything yet. Spread the wealth so to speak. Why does Obama and Clinton have to be the big winners all the time? There are 50 States - can't Dodd win at least one??? GIVE THE MAN A BREAK! Or how about Gravel or Richardson or Kuchinich or Biden? Can't any of them win a State with ZERO delegates? I say why not. Like it matters anyway.

But there are local issues! I am really showing up to vote for the local issues. And there are some big ones!

Proposed Constitutional Amendment 1 - the "property tax" thing. The wording is all confusing and legal like - but basically it will amount in lower property taxes. How much lower? I really do not know. Really - I don't. but I suspect that the average property will see only a slight decrease in taxes while the $22 million estates on the Coral Gables Waterway and Fisher Island (Fisher Island in Miami is the richest zip code in the USA by the way) get much larger breaks. But that is just my theory, I have no idea if it is true. And allegedly, the portion of property tax that supports the schools will NOT be touched. Allegedly.

But the cuts will amount to A LOT of scratch. Billions. Out of the State budget. So....how will the State fund shit? Like the State Police for example - where will the money for Troopers come from? Magic? And how about State roads? Who will maintain them? The reality is that Florida needs money. So if the budget is cut that much that quickly, what happens? Sales tax increase? More toll roads? 911 operators asking for a credit card number before police or fire rescue is sent to your home? How will Miami-Dade County pay off all the bonds voters approved a few years ago AND maintain the same services currently offered?

So I feel I must vote NO on 1. I am not at all opposed to tax cuts, I just think this tax cut is a bad deal. Any tax cut should target the average home value (adjusted per County because some Counties like Miami-Dade have higher property values than Hendry County). Average value homes are owned by average income people. As for the people who can afford to live on Fisher Island? Fuck them. They can afford to pay their taxes. Hell the property taxes they pay amount to LESS MONEY than the fuel for their 150 foot yacht to operate for one day.

So NO on 1. Got that? No. I think this measure will pass because people think taxes will go down, I just think that people are being misled about how much their taxes will actually go down. The biggest cuts will go to those with the most expensive homes. Regular folks will get pennies on the dollar. Business as usual. but if more than 40% vote no then the measure fails - so there is some hope.

County Question 1: Miami-Dade Home Rule Charter Amendment Relating to the Qualifying Dates for Certain County Elected Offices

NO on this one too. I suspect some funny business here. The wording reads: Shall the Charter be amended to move the candidate qualifying period for certain Miami-Dade County elected offices three weeks earlier, in accordance with State law?

Get that? "In accordance with State law". They had to put that line in there. But what does it really mean? Someone trying to run for certain County elected positions will have THREE FEWER WEEKS to qualify. And who will instantly qualify? Incumbents. So someone else trying to run as a "man on the street" grass roots kind of candidate will have less of a chance of actually getting on the ballot.

SO NO ON THIS!! Forget that!

County Question 2:Home Rule Charter Amendment Changing Property Appraiser from an Appointed to an Elected Office

Why the hell not? Why should the Mayor appoint this person? It would (in theory) make the property appraiser independent from the Mayor's Office. Now this has good and bad points. The bad is that some ass who does not know what the hell they are doing but can schmooze people can run for the office and win. I could run and be the next property appraiser! But does that mean I should be the appraiser? Hell no. The good is that it lessens the chance the Mayor can just appoint some crony.

So I am leaning to vote YES here. But I have to think about it some more. I may vote no. I have to weigh the good VS the bad.

County Question 3: Slot Machines Limited to Existing Horse and Dog Tracks and Jai Alai Frontons

OH HELL YES! Yes yes yes! I am fed up with the anti-casino assholes. They claim that casinos will "ruin the family friendly atmosphere of Florida". YEA RIGHT! News flash - Miami is NOT family friendly. Want family friendly? Go somewhere else. Really. South Beach is all about night clubs and rave parties and drinking and guys wearing popped collars (see yesterday's post). Really family friendly stuff! Everyone says "I want to take my 6 year old kid to experience a rave party"! Oh wait - they don't? Never mind.

The anti-casino groups are usually affiliated with Churches. At least in the past they have been. Now why is this bullshit? Because these groups TAKE MONEY FROM CASINOS to campaign against casinos! Yes it is true. See the local Indian tribes have casinos with crappy bullshit slots. And there are gambling boats that leave from Miami several times a day for short trips three miles out. Here is a photo of one, the Aquasino.
Now, here is where it gets fun. The actual casinos know that nobody will buy their bullshit if the ads say "paid for by Aquasino" or "paid for by the local Indian casino" - so they find PATSIES to shill for them. Historically they have just given money to church groups, who then make the ads under names like "Floridians United Against Satan" or "Floridians For Families" or some shit. And when the media checks to see who the groups are, they find...a church! So it must be legit!

Yea....right. IF casinos are so evil, why the hell are you taking their money? Huh? But they take the money. And by doing so, they protect the gambling boats. Because if people could just go to a land based casino then F the boat and the $40 boarding fee they charge.

So enough already. Let the land based para-mutuals have their slots. Why not. At least they will pay taxes. The Indian casinos don't (we did steal their land so I guess that is fair) and the boat casinos do not pay the same taxes the land based places would pay. So why not? What is the harm? Hell I say let the places have table games too.

We want to cut taxes, so we need new sources of revenue! Might as well be casinos. You do not have to gamble, but you do have to pay property taxes! It will be a voluntary tax. Will some people have gambling problems? Yes. Most likely. But you know what? I can lose my ass on an internet casino right now - so what is the difference?

So there we go! To recap here is my voting plan

1. I do not give a crap. Just pick one at random who is not a "front runner". Not Hillary. Someone else. Obama or Edwards. Or one of the other guys.

2. NO! Sorry I am all for tax cuts but I do not trust this one. Reject it and send it back to Tallahassee and let the State law makers some up with another proposal.

3. NO on County issue 1. Three less weeks for someone to "qualify" to run for County office protects the incumbents - and that is not really a good thing. Let em feel the heat a little. They need that.

4. Yes! Or no! I have not figured that out yet. I am leaning towards yes and I am 75% sure that is how I will vote. But you know what? I sort of like this mayor - even if he is a Republican. The one thing he did that I do not approve of is spending tax money on a sandbox for the Florida Marlins to play games in. The team owner is very rich and the players are not poor - so let them build their own sand box. Why do they need my help? And what makes them think I WANT any of my money to go to that mess? But I digress - the mayor has so far not been such a bad guy. Even if I did vote for the other guy.

5. Yes on the casinos. Land bases places where people are already going to gamble will be easier to tax than the other places. I hope this measure passes.

And now....FOAMY! It seems Foamy has visited Miami-Dade County and rented a car.

Foamy's solution is pure genius. Why did I not think of this simple solution? I feel stupid.

Tech Support, Outsourcing. Collars.

On Avery's blog she had a post about tech support. So that got me to thinking. What if a foul mouthed squirrel had a problem with a Smell brand computer using a Wind-ows operating system and called tech support? I bet it would go something like this.

Foamy is great. This is actually only part 1 of 4. If there is enough popular demand then I will post the other 3 in the series.

And alert commenter Holly mentioned something about a Wal-Mart employee stuck in some lost decade, with no clue about how to wear a shirt. So I found this.

Indeed. Stop being a fag and fix your collar. I find myself thinking this at least once every.....well once every never. I have never noticed the fashion tendencies of other dudes. Now other people have. I sometimes get crap from people about my Crocs because they "look gay" and a real man would "never be seen in them".

Really now? And what makes YOU such an expert in gay shoes? Do you subscribe to Gay Shoes Weekly or something? I know how important it may be for you to keep track on all the latest gay trends and all. It would just be horrible if you arrived at the all dudes party wearing last weeks shoes!

So thank you for noticing my shoes. I am glad you are looking at my feet and not my ass. But hey whatever turns you on!

Seriously, men who notice what other men are wearing and then accuse other people of wearing "gay things" need to seriously explore their own sexuality. And leave the rest of humanity alone.

I would not notice some dude wearing an elf costume walking down the street in July. Well I will take that back. I probably would notice. But that is because really crazy people scare me. ANYONE wearing an elf costume in July in South Florida has to have some screws loose. MAJOR screws loose. I would notice the person for my own personal safety, so I could give them a very wide berth. NO EYE CONTACT!!! Just pretend that I want to cross the street here....walk on by....then go back to the side of the street I wanted to be on in the first place. THERE! Problem solved!

And yes, I happen to own a pink dress shirt. It looks sharp with my black suit, back when I used to have to wear a suit to work. You know you have it made when you wear a suit to work. Like you are going to do real work. Hardly. I define real work as force times distance. So pushing something heavy a long distance is work. Ever see a guy in a suit pushing heavy objects any distance? Me either. Now roofing - that is real work! Shoveling elephant shit is real work. Carrying large amounts of stuff around a construction site is real work.

And not once have I ever seen a guy in a suit doing any of those things.

But anyway, back to my pink shirt. If you are a dude and you notice it and you feel like making a comment about it.....well I hate to tell you this but you may need to fix your collar.