Work Games

OK I see how it is. I put up photos, and.............NOTHING!

No comments huh? Wow.

So I will not get even. I found a new way to waste time. It is called "Magic Pen". The game play seems very simple on the surface. It is very simple really. You use a magic pen to draw simple shapes. Rectangles, triangles, squares, and circles. Of course there is an object to the game! You have to move a red circle to the goal, which are marked by flags.

You can also use pins to fix shaped together, and hinges to allow shapes to swing on a pivot point.

And of course there is gravity. Larger shapes seem to weigh more than smaller shapes. You can drop objects onto other objects to get things moving, or construct a crane with a thing that swings from a hinge to get things moving. Whatever you think will work!

Anyhow, I made it to level 12 where for some reason the red circle was not there. So there was no way to pass that level. I must be missing something. So if you play and get past level 12 let me know what the heck you did to get the circle to appear!

So go on and click the link. It is a "game" but you can justify playing it because it DEMANDS critical thinking. If you ask me, it is a good game to play at work. Ill bet your boss is ALWAYS going on and on and on about "thinking outside the box" and shit. I would like to kick the ass out of whoever came up with that term. How useless is that? Think outside the box. What if it is cold outside the box? What if only retards are outside the box?

Anyhow this perfectly good at work game increases critical thinking skills, so it is not "wasting time". It is valuable training in thinking outside boxes and shit.

And here is the best part. If you get busted playing the game and the boss does not buy the "it helps sharpen my critical thinking skills" lie, and tells you something like "critical thinking is not important" then you have it made! At the next meeting you are off the hook. The boss can ask you "what do you think about this problem" and you can reply "nothing. I was not paying attention. You said not to think critically anymore".

This reminds me of a story. A friend of mine has a supervisor that sent a memo out to all employees that if you did not take your break exactly at 9 AM then you could not take it later. Use it or loose it. Well this was retarded, and everyone knew it. So one day my friend was driving somewhere with the supervisor in a company vehicle. Well at 9:00 AM he pulled over on the expressway. The supervisor freaked out. So my friend just points at the vehicle clock and then hands the supervisor a copy of the memo that the supervisor wrote. Then he announced "I am taking my break now", turned off the vehicle (no engine = no AC) removed the keys (no keys = no radio) and stepped out to smoke a cigarette.

For the next 15 minutes he just had fun watching the supervisor freak out and yell into the cell phone and whatnot.

The next day the break policy was amended to allow people who were busy with a "critical task" to take a break after the task was over, or at a point where a break can be reasonably taken.

Using official policy against the person who wrote the policy is the pinnacle of workplace games. You are just sticking to policy, so you can not be written up. But if you can skillfully turn that policy AGAINST whoever came up with it....well then you are the MASTER!

And then there was the time the boss told him to go look at some piece of equipment that was not working. This boss was an ass and berated everyone to do EXACTLY what the boss said. So my friend goes and looks at the equipment. It was in fact not working. So he continued to look at it. Well an hour later he gets called. It is the boss wanting to know what he was going. Well he was just doing exactly what the boss said - looking at the thing. Not doing anything about it, just looking at it. The boss did not say "fix the thing" or "find out why it is not working". Just to look at it. As in with your eyes. You do not look with your hands now do you???

Sometimes, work can be a lot of fun.

Today will be fun. Got a lot of stuff to do. Then after that, I have to finish up some stuff here. Then Friday more of the same. Then Saturday is the bay cleanup event.

Ranger Lazy

Guess what I learned? There are emulators that run in Windows Mobile systems. What does this mean??

It means that my phone is now also a GAME BOY / GAME BOY ADVANCE. And a Sega Master System. And a classic Nintendo (NES). And it is also a 80206 DOS machine (so I can play Ultima III - the best RPG game of all time, but I may get the emulator that makes it run like a classic IBM-PC Jr 8086 / 8088 based system). I can also make it a Coleco Vision machine, an Intellivision System, and an Atari 2600. Or hell, why not a Commodore 64/128? OK! Done.

TAKE THAT I-PHONE PEOPLE!!!!!! Admit it, I have a better phone. It is OK to admit that the I-Phone you overpaid for is inferior to my Pocket PC. Nobody has to know your shame. Nobody has to know how much you want to play classic DOS games on your phone but you can't. Nobody has to know that you envy the hell out of me playing The Lost Vikings GBA version on my phone, while you sit there and.....uhhhhh.....play with something else in your pocket. See what you get for going with style over substance?

This also pretty much seals the deal that I will get fired from many jobs for playing games at work. Or at least forget to do stuff, like that report that was due three days ago.

Speaking of jobs, I applied for RECREATION SPECIALIST 1 with the Parks and Rec department. Requirements include a 4 year degree in naturalism / botany / environmental science / stuff like that OR any 4 year degree and two years teaching experience. CHECK! I got the degree in anything and the teaching stuff down. I envision what this job calls for, and I am happy with my fantasy. I picture myself in a snazzy park officer uniform and a "Smokey The Bear" style park ranger hat, conducting kayak tours. HEY PARKS PEOPLE! I already have my own kayak. See how super qualified I am? I can bring my own paddle boat. I can also get my USCG captain's license and drive the glass bottom boat - if you cheap bastards wonderful managers ever get one. Jest tell me the license you want. Six Pack license? 100 ton masters license? Whatever. Not a problem.

I also see myself running a line from my kayak to another kayak paddled by someone else. This way I can concentrate on my guide duties while someone else paddles. Hey I have to keep my lazy reputation intact! Let someone else do the paddling thing.

Another possibility is conducting land based tours, making stuff up as I go along. Hey - if the people in the group already knew they would not be on the guided tour! So what if I do not get every single little fact 100% correct? Will the world end? Nope. The people in the tour will have already paid the non-refundable fee. Complain! OK! No problem! Now lets see.....where did I put those complaint forms? I could have sworn I put them right here! But now I can not find them! Hold on while I look for them.

Then I go to the back room and play Ultima III on my phone until they go away.

Oh yea, I may also have to design programs for all ages. I can do that. I am good at thinking up stuff like that. Sort of. Not really. But I can learn.

Not that any of this will happen. I know how these things work. I am an expert. It takes FOREVER. I will not hear anything for months, by which time I will probably have some other position already. That or I will be so broke that I have to live under the I-95 overpass downtown. Although I would probably live under the Julia Tuttle Overpass. If I am going to be homeless, I might as well be homeless with water front cardboard box!

I also put in for other more boring things. Office type boring things. Managerial / professional boring office type things, as opposed to secretarial / administrative type boring office things. I may have to get some sort of certification thing.

But like I said, it is likely that by the time they get done with the process for these things I will be doing something else.

If you are going to apply for a government job - make sure you already have a job now. This way you have work for the year it takes for the process to take place.

And now, more on why I hate StarBucks.


AND


Foamy The Squirrel is full of Squirrely Wisdom.

Piss Away Your Weekend!

It seems that the weekend is here. Unless you work on the "weekends" and have crazy days like Wednesday and Thursday off.

But assuming this is in fact your weekend, and also assuming you have nothing else better to do - here are some games you can play. For FREE!

Rome decays. Her people are drunk, violent, and perverse. A new Emperor has arisen. He is Rome incarnate. His destiny is to unite the people.....against him.

No I am not talking about George Bush. I am talking about Caligula. And the new game VIVA CALIGULA! You are Caligula. You start off with a simple dagger. Your goal is to collect the other 25 weapons scattered throughout Rome. Oh yea - and kill as many people as possible. Can't forget about that.

Each letter of the alphabet becomes a weapon. You start off with a dagger, so the attack key is D. As you find other weapons you unlock more letters. Some of my favorite weapons are Z, O, N, F, and M. Z is this musical instrument that causes people to kill each other - ignoring you. O hypnotizes rats. F is a torch that sets people on fire. N is necromancy - dead people come back to life as skeletons and attack anything that is not you. M is manhood - you show yourself off and it stuns people so you can hit them with an axe or whatever.

There are also combos. Like if you kill someone with the torch (weapon F) and then use necromancy (N) to make them a skeleton zombie - the skeletons will be on fire and will set other people on fire. Use N a few times and you have a whole lot of flaming skeletons doing all the killing for you so you can just look for objects.

You can also go into RAMPAGE MODE where one attack with any weapon kills most anybody. In an extra graphic way.

Once you get all the weapons, you can enter the temple and........something. Use your manhood weapons a lot.

A LOT of fun! I already finished this one.

Next....ORPHAN FEAST! It is Victorian England. You are in London. Except you are not rich. So life pretty much sucks. And then you get an idea! Or actually your employer, Oliver Twisted, gets an idea. Why not collect all the orphans off the street, make pies out of them, sell them to people, and get rich?!

So you are to find orphans, and stuff them into a sack. Once you get 10 orphans in your sack you deposit them in your lair. Once you collect enough you go to the next level. Watch out for cops, whores, and other street people who seem to think it is wrong to make food out of orphans.

Now I know what you are thinking. THESE ARE TERRIBLE GAMES! Don't you have any more wholesome games?

Well.....yes and no. How about a Bible based game? OK? Sounds good?? Well how about "Mortal Kombat" meets the Bible. That is the best I can do for you.

In Bible Fight, you get to fight as one of 6 Biblical figures. Eve, Mary, Noah, Moses, Jesus, and Satan (of course). Each figure has special attacks - for example Eve can throw apples. Noah can summon a dove of death to peck out eyes. And so on. Each character has three unique special attacks. Not really my style of game, I can never remember what the special attacks are. I was never much good at the Mortal Kombat types of games. I guess the trick here is to pick one figure and learn the special attacks. No one character is really stronger or weaker than the others. It is all about your game play here.

Now you are probably thinking "this is REALLY bad! Bible Fight??!? Are you serious?? Mary VS Eve in a battle royal? Yup. Pretty bad there.

But I also know that this next game people will like. We have ALL got the dreaded memo or email. You have to attend a MEETING in 5 minutes. Signed, the boss. OH GREAT! Now you have to spend the rest of the day in some dippy meeting where the topic is "how to properly kiss my ass". You would rather do ANYTHING than go to that meeting.

Well how about kill yourself? In 5 minutes To Kill Yourself this is exactly what you do. Or try to do. It is harder than you think.

So how do you kill yourself at work? Well there are your coworkers. You can say rude things to them and hope they beat you up. And then there is the paper shredder. You can stick your head in that. You can also bludgeon yourself with the photocopier. Or staple yourself. And then there is the paper cutter - you can use that on your arm! There is the office microwave oven. And then there are objects your coworkers have - like a cigarette lighter and a can of some sort of spray. You can set yourself on fire! And then there are other things as well. But you only have 5 minutes till you have to be at the meeting! So be quick about it. Take too long and you have to go to......MEETING HELL!!!!

There are other games too, based on Adult Swim shows. Like Stoker and Hoop's "Money$hot" . Or "Headkicker II" from The Brak Show. Or a personal favorite, Mooninite Marauders, based on Space Invaders and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And lets not forget about "Look Alive" from Home Movies where you get to kick soccer balls in an effort to totally bean other kids. Remember, any idiot can score a goal in soccer - what you want to to is hurt anyone who gets in your way.

So there. Now you have something to do on your weekend. If you have nothing else to do.