Piss Away Your Weekend!

It seems that the weekend is here. Unless you work on the "weekends" and have crazy days like Wednesday and Thursday off.

But assuming this is in fact your weekend, and also assuming you have nothing else better to do - here are some games you can play. For FREE!

Rome decays. Her people are drunk, violent, and perverse. A new Emperor has arisen. He is Rome incarnate. His destiny is to unite the people.....against him.

No I am not talking about George Bush. I am talking about Caligula. And the new game VIVA CALIGULA! You are Caligula. You start off with a simple dagger. Your goal is to collect the other 25 weapons scattered throughout Rome. Oh yea - and kill as many people as possible. Can't forget about that.

Each letter of the alphabet becomes a weapon. You start off with a dagger, so the attack key is D. As you find other weapons you unlock more letters. Some of my favorite weapons are Z, O, N, F, and M. Z is this musical instrument that causes people to kill each other - ignoring you. O hypnotizes rats. F is a torch that sets people on fire. N is necromancy - dead people come back to life as skeletons and attack anything that is not you. M is manhood - you show yourself off and it stuns people so you can hit them with an axe or whatever.

There are also combos. Like if you kill someone with the torch (weapon F) and then use necromancy (N) to make them a skeleton zombie - the skeletons will be on fire and will set other people on fire. Use N a few times and you have a whole lot of flaming skeletons doing all the killing for you so you can just look for objects.

You can also go into RAMPAGE MODE where one attack with any weapon kills most anybody. In an extra graphic way.

Once you get all the weapons, you can enter the temple and........something. Use your manhood weapons a lot.

A LOT of fun! I already finished this one.

Next....ORPHAN FEAST! It is Victorian England. You are in London. Except you are not rich. So life pretty much sucks. And then you get an idea! Or actually your employer, Oliver Twisted, gets an idea. Why not collect all the orphans off the street, make pies out of them, sell them to people, and get rich?!

So you are to find orphans, and stuff them into a sack. Once you get 10 orphans in your sack you deposit them in your lair. Once you collect enough you go to the next level. Watch out for cops, whores, and other street people who seem to think it is wrong to make food out of orphans.

Now I know what you are thinking. THESE ARE TERRIBLE GAMES! Don't you have any more wholesome games?

Well.....yes and no. How about a Bible based game? OK? Sounds good?? Well how about "Mortal Kombat" meets the Bible. That is the best I can do for you.

In Bible Fight, you get to fight as one of 6 Biblical figures. Eve, Mary, Noah, Moses, Jesus, and Satan (of course). Each figure has special attacks - for example Eve can throw apples. Noah can summon a dove of death to peck out eyes. And so on. Each character has three unique special attacks. Not really my style of game, I can never remember what the special attacks are. I was never much good at the Mortal Kombat types of games. I guess the trick here is to pick one figure and learn the special attacks. No one character is really stronger or weaker than the others. It is all about your game play here.

Now you are probably thinking "this is REALLY bad! Bible Fight??!? Are you serious?? Mary VS Eve in a battle royal? Yup. Pretty bad there.

But I also know that this next game people will like. We have ALL got the dreaded memo or email. You have to attend a MEETING in 5 minutes. Signed, the boss. OH GREAT! Now you have to spend the rest of the day in some dippy meeting where the topic is "how to properly kiss my ass". You would rather do ANYTHING than go to that meeting.

Well how about kill yourself? In 5 minutes To Kill Yourself this is exactly what you do. Or try to do. It is harder than you think.

So how do you kill yourself at work? Well there are your coworkers. You can say rude things to them and hope they beat you up. And then there is the paper shredder. You can stick your head in that. You can also bludgeon yourself with the photocopier. Or staple yourself. And then there is the paper cutter - you can use that on your arm! There is the office microwave oven. And then there are objects your coworkers have - like a cigarette lighter and a can of some sort of spray. You can set yourself on fire! And then there are other things as well. But you only have 5 minutes till you have to be at the meeting! So be quick about it. Take too long and you have to go to......MEETING HELL!!!!

There are other games too, based on Adult Swim shows. Like Stoker and Hoop's "Money$hot" . Or "Headkicker II" from The Brak Show. Or a personal favorite, Mooninite Marauders, based on Space Invaders and Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And lets not forget about "Look Alive" from Home Movies where you get to kick soccer balls in an effort to totally bean other kids. Remember, any idiot can score a goal in soccer - what you want to to is hurt anyone who gets in your way.

So there. Now you have something to do on your weekend. If you have nothing else to do.