Location Is Everything

Good news! I found my missing wallet. It was not where I usually leave it. So I must have put it there and then forgot where it was. This is why I do not panic when I notice something missing. I usually know when I have lost LOST something. But if it is just misplaced - it turns up eventually.

A also found the mother load of motivational and anti-motivational posters! I have shared two already, but there are soooooo many more. Like this one.


How true. Flexibility is almost never, ever over rated. This poster is more of a wisdom poster than an anti-motivational poster. And there are many many many more where this came from. M@ will get a kick out of this one, seeing as how he has discovered that yoga can be porn. Leave it to M@.

In other news - I found some awesome stupid Florida laws! Here they are, with commentary from me.

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.

It is true. I remember voting for this. It is against the Florida Constitution to keep a pregnant pig confined in a cage. But once it has given birth, it is bacon.

One may not commit any "unnatural acts" with another person.

And who are you to say what is "unnatural"? You know what I think is unnatural? Getting into a metal box that goes 100 mph every morning, just so you can sit in that box for an hour (or more) because all the other metal boxes with people in them prevent you from going any faster than 8 mph, then working under artificial lights for at least 8 hours then getting back into the metal box to go home and watch TV. That shit is unnatural.

Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence.

OH COME ON! Are you serious? So where am I supposed to commit lewd acts? The public park? No, that would also be illegal. Living with the person you are committing lewd acts with is the most convenient arrangement. Easy accessibility. Also rent is expensive. But not living together is also good - because it keeps fights down to a minimum. So maybe this is not such a bad law after all? Who knows. But at least if you live together first, you know what you are getting yourself into! Otherwise there could be some ugly surprises.

Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.

OK I get it. Me being drunk in public corrupts the public morals, but some wasting millions of dollars of public money on "consultants" is perfectly OK!??!!? What a bunch of shit. Miami-Dade County has spent millions on worthless consultants. Like the $500,000 spent to study and improve traffic flow. The consultants suggested changing the timing on some traffic lights on Bird Road - which fucked up traffic flow even worse. $500,000 was spent to FUCK THINGS UP MORE than they were already fucked up. So when are we going to lock up some elected officials for "corrupting the public morals"? Huh? I am waiting.
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.

Now this one is not really dumb. All doors on public buildings open out in case there is a fire. When mobs of people rush at the doors, they will burst open outwards. If they opened inwards, then people would crowd them preventing anyone from opening the door. So they all open out. Pretty slick.

It is illegal to sell your children.

So then what good are they? How is one supposed to turn a profit here? I can sell my car. I can sell my boat. If I had a horse then I could sell that thing too. But I can't sell my children???! What sort of communist bullshit is this?

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

I agree with this stupid law. The smell of burning hair makes me ill. Also, that is the one place on a chick there it does not corrupt the public morals to have hair. So if it burns off - that is just wrong.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

Well no shit. Cant have any unmarried chicks having a parachute accident on Sunday. But once they are married - whatever. The sky is the limit - and then once you are in that sky just bail out of the plane.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Who the fuck has an elephant? And if you have an elephant, who the fuck would leave it tied to a parking meter? What do you do, ride the thing around town like it is a horse or something? See if you or I smoke pot we are lawbreakers and need to be in jail. But when LAW MAKERS smoke pot, they decide that elephant owners have to pay the parking meters just like if they had a car.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

I guess this is why there is no poolside karaoke anywhere. I knew there had to be some reason. Next time I catch someone singing in a swimsuit I will bust out with the taser and make a citizens arrest.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Does this include priests? Yes, I went there. I went there, took pictures, bought a t-shirt, and came back. Also - does this include judges? Those guys are really into fashion.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

Did someone try to do this? Seriously if I saw someone about to do this I would not interfere. Love is love after all. Plus it would be funny. I think the porcupine can take care of itself.

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

Uhhhhhh......ok.....If you say so.

Oral sex is illegal.

Uhhhhhhh...OK.....If you say so.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM.

So do all your farting before 6 PM! Or else, hold it till midnight. I hope that public buildings open after 6 PM stop serving beans at 5:30 PM.

Saturday Post Madness

FOOD SHOPPING TIP! Everyone knows to come here for excellent beer buying tips. But how about food? Well guess what - I have some EXCELLENT food shopping tips.

But "happy cow" shit. Yes I said "happy cow" shit. You know, stuff from that "organic" dairy. What the hell is the name of it? I forgot. Organic Valley? I think that is it. Buy it. If you are buying dairy products and you can get that product from Organic Valley buy it.

But Lazy, it costs more!

Yes and no. Sure the price at the register is higher - but I am telling you, this is some good shit. First off, it never goes bad. I do not know what they do it it - but the milk will never spoil. I had some stuff that was a month past the expiration date and it was still good. Seriously. So it does not cost more because you will NEVER throw anything away because it is spoiled.

The first time I bought some I got the whole milk. The stuff tasted like half-and-half. So now if I want "whole milk" I buy the 1% milk. It tastes like whole milk. The Organic Valley half and half is like heavy cream. Really good stuff. Trust me here. Your "skim milk" will actually not taste like watered down shit anymore - and it is still drinkable weeks after it "expires".

I am a bad cat owner. Another week went by, and did I do beans about the fact Skipper has to be "fixed"? Nope. I was all like "screw it, Ill do it tomorrow". I even made a poster about it.
I have been working on this poster for months. Really. Months. Ill find a picture for it later.

This reminds me of an ex-girlfriend for some reason. She was loud, and bulimic. I had to keep saying to her "honey, keep it down".

I should end things with that joke, but I am not. I do not believe in the "quit when you are ahead" theory. Oh no. Better to wear out your welcome so you are never asked to return again. But really that is a great joke. It works on two levels.

And in other news, I managed to get all addicted to a TV show. Heroes. Now I have done a great job of not getting addicted to any TV show. Well except for animated network TV shows (King of The Kill, The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy). And Robot Chicken. That is a great show.

And since when did all TV shows become a serial mini-series? Seriously. What happened to shows like House, where if you miss a week or two it does not matter? The show begins with a problem, everyone figures out the problem, and then the show end. There. A whole story boiled down to an hour.

This is NOT how Heroes works. Each story lasts a whole season. You can not just start watching a season on episode 3 or 4 - or else you will not know what the hell is going on.

So I spent a bunch of time on Netflix watching the entire first season, and the first 2 episodes of the second season. But now I am out of "watch it now online" time and so I have to wait for the next billing cycle so I can watch episode 3 - whatever the most recent episode is. I tried to watch them online at other websites, but the video either loads too slow OR there are Korean or Japanese or some strange subtitles. Now this is not a big deal, except some characters speak Japanese, Spanish and French. So sometimes I need to see the English subtitles. The Korean subtitles are plastered over the English ones. So that is not any good.

Why must life be so complicated? I just want to watch a stupid TV show on the computer because I missed it when it was on TV. But does NBC keep more than the last 4 shows on their website? NOOOOOO. What a bunch of tards.

I get to go on a tour of the Hurricane Center today. This is always fun. There are no hurricanes going on right now so the place will not be that active. I swear that there is a back room in that place where employees can go to smoke pot. Talk about job perks. Who needs insurance if you have an employee pot smoking lounge. With a big ole bowl of Doritos and a HDTV and a PS3. This is why you only see two or three people "working". The rest are in the back room playing Guitar Hero.

I purchased 18 beers for Thanksgiving. 6 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, 6 Sam Adams Winter Lagers, and 6 Sam Adams Black Lagers. I am down to 1 Winter Ale, 2 Sierra Nevadas, and 3 Black Lagers. I had some help. It will be time to resupply soon. Probably sometime next week.