Normal

Well - back to normal life.

The sun was out, it was a nice cool day, and there were only regular commercials on the TV. It was actually a really nice day here.

In addition to this Skipper The Cat has decided that he is not getting enough attention, or costing enough money. In response to this he became allergic to something. Maybe food, maybe fleas - who knows. But he is scratching the shit out of himself. There is a place on his neck where he scratched himself raw, He has scratched his ears, he licks himself a lot creating thin hair spots, his lips are puffy, and there is a spot on his chin that is scratched as well.

Great. He would have made a lousy alley cat. Good thing he ended up living here.

A lone flea was spotted on Fred. So it is possible the fleas are back. I use the anti-flea stuff, but once the fleas are gone I stop using it. I figure the fewer chemicals I use on the cats the better. Plus it saves a few bucks.

Anyhow Skipper has to see the vet today. He will get a shot that will make him stop scratching and licking himself. And I suppose that Ill get more of that once a month flea stuff. And Ill hope it is actually fleas he is allergic to.

So that will be fun. Skipper LOVES to go for car rides. He howls the whole way, in a very frantic fashion. Turning the stereo up is futile. He will only shut up if I stick my fingers through the door of the cat carrier. But then I have to drive down the road, one hand contorted so it is behind me with my fingers stuck in a cat cage door - leaving only one other hand for steering.

Making turns is fun. I have to use my knees.

Luckily for me, I have experience using my knees to steer. Do not ask why, that is another crazy story. But it really helps if you need to do something else while driving. Like for example, eat a cheeseburger. Or read a road map. Or look for something you lit on fire then dropped on the floorboard of the car. Or whatever.

Anchor Steam Brewery makes a darn good porter. Just throwing that out there. Sierra Nevada Brewing Company also makes a darn good porter. Ill have to get more of the Anchor Steam stuff and compare it head to head with the Sierra Nevada to determine which is better. It will be a close call.

I got a fishing spy report. Someone caught TWO dolphin. Dolphin! this time of year? I thought it was over for dolphin till next summer. Guess not! So I need to try to get out there so I can continue my streak of not catching anything.

When I go fishing, the fish are safe.

It is also getting VERY CLOSE to everglades season. But nobody wants to go to Shark Valley. It is only a 14 mile bike ride on pavement! That is not too bad. My lazy ass can do it. So what is their problem?

I Suck At Cat Ownership

I just remembered something. Skipper needs his second pill. And guess who forgot about that?

Classic me. I forget to give myself drugs when they are prescribed to me. I am actually better at remembering drugs for animals than for me.

Besides, the best drugs are the ones that you prescribe to yourself. Often the drugs the doctor gives you are the boring kind. Antibiotics and what not.

I hate having to take antibiotics. They all say "do not consume beer with this medication". Well hell. What if I want one? TOO BAD! Can't do it! Because somehow beer is the anti antibiotic. It undoes the bacteria killing properties of the drug. Somehow.

But how? I mean, alcohol kills germs right? Bacteria is a germ right?? So therefore I conclude that alcohol would augment the antibiotics. They would team up together, to form some sort of bacteria killing duo. Like The Blue Falcon and Dynomutt.



Or maybe not. This had to be the LAMEST superhero duo in the history of superhero duos, with the exception of Aqua Man and Tadpole. OHHHHH! My super power is that I can swim!!!! Yea, really impressive there fish boy. And fruity.

So anyway, I gave Skipper his second pill late. Or actually early. After midnight. So his "first" pill of today is actually the second pill from yesterday. Ill give him another one sometime in the late morning, and than another one in the evening. Three in one day, but whatever. Ill space them out enough so that all is good.

And this brings us to Friday. Or as I call it "another darn day". Nothing special about it.

I Have No Idea What Is Going On

They say TV makes us lazy and stupid. Of course, "they" are never wrong. And nobody knows exactly who "they" are. What I actually think is going on is that when YOU want to make some shit up and pass it off as credible, you just attribute whatever you are making up to "them" or "they".

Like this one. They say that beer is good for you! And this one - they say that most car accidents happen when you are in an intersection, so the faster you drive through the intersection the safer you are because the faster you blow through an intersection the less time you spend in it.

And so on. I could go on and on here. "They" say a lot of shit.

But seriously, television is a pretty lazy form of entertainment. You do not have to actively listen to or watch it. Like now for example. The TV is on, but I am typing this post. Am I actively watching the TV? Hell no. It is some "beach patrol" show. Do I need to watch it to know what is going on? Hell no.

So today I bring you some entertainment that requires active listening. A very short radio play. And so now, without further delay, I present to you this very short feature from Radio Theater Of The Mind.

See you had to use your imagination there! Which is probably a good thing.

In other news, I have neglected my playlist. A few songs do not work anymore. Bey hey - for the price I am paying for the playlist thing (NOTHING AT ALL!!!) I can not complain. Anyway here is what does not work as of right now.

Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol), Cherry Bomb (Runaways), TV Party (Black Flag), Kill The Poor (Dead Kennedys), Big Yellow Taxi (Counting Crows), Jenny (867-5309) (Tommy Tu Tone), Apeman (The Kinks), Photograph (Def Leppard), Substitute (The Who), Dark Blue (Jack's Mannequin), Patience (Guns N Roses), and My Own Worst Enemy (Lit).

I need to do some playlist maintenance.

This reminds me of my Rolling Stones joke!

What is the difference in The Rolling Stones and The Scottish?

The Rolling Stones say "hey you, get off my cloud" and The Scottish say "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe".

Just a little bestiality humor for you there. I knew you would enjoy it. I would say that you could substitute any nationality in place of "Scottish" but you can't. It just would not work. Not many people in say China named "McCloud" or "McLeod" or however it is spelled. So sadly, this one only works for the Scottish.

I got another pirate joke too. Feel free to steal this one.

What is a pirates worst nightmare? A sunken chest and no booty.

I am not sure if I have used that one here.

SKIPPER UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

Skipper seems to be OK. He does not even need the soft stinky food. He can eat the dry stuff. Crunches it right up. No problem. So I conclude his mouth is not sore. He has 6 more days of pills to take. He does not like getting pilled. Yes, "pilled" is a valid word. It is a verb and describes the act of giving a pill to a cat. Examples of its use are "I have to pill the cat" or "I pilled the cat and got bit and that is why I have to go to the hospital because there is this pink line going up my arm and it may be blood poisoning".

But anyway, Skipper is much better. No more fish hooks.

Skipper's Stitches

Cats like to play with danglie things. Everyone knows this. Dangle something in front of a cat and it gets attacked.

This is Skipper in a cat carrier thing. Now why would Skipper need to be in a cat carrier? Well you can click on the image and see the full size version. The full size version is 2 or 3 megs, so it may take some time to download - but it is big. Or you can just look at the second photo.

What you see here is a 6/0 fish hook, lodged in Skipper's mouth. It seems that the rig was hanging somewhere, and Skipper found it. Now attached to the hook was some heavy monofilament line, which got stuck on things when Skipper freaked out and ran around knocking stuff over.

The pressure on the line set the hook. The barb was buried in the corner of Skipper's jaw. In the soft tissue. I was not going to be able to get it out. Well I could have. But it was going to hurt.

See the standard procedure for getting a hook out is to push it through then cut off the barb. This hurts like hell. But it is the only way. If you pull out the barb then you do more damage. I have had to do this to myself on more than one occasion. It hurts like hell, but when at sea you do what you have to do to get the fish hook out of your finger.

Rum helps.


This gives you an idea as to the situation. The above photo was taken while waiting in the lobby of the 24 hour emergency vet, because of course this had to happen on Sunday at around 7 PM. By the time this photo was taken Skipper was fairly calm. I do not think he was in that much pain anymore. The first photo was taken at home right before I loaded him into the vehicle to go to the vet. The second photo was taken right after I had cut the line tied to the hook, and he was a little more freaked out. The line was heavy so I had to put some pressure on the line to cut it. That could not have felt good. But once the line was cut, the hook was not as painful. I figured that Skipper was not in too much pain because he was not in his carrier, and he was not making noise or trying to bite the crap out of me. He was behaving very well in the waiting room, gaining much sympathy from the chicks working there and causing them to give me the "you suck at cat ownership" look.

Like I wanted the cat to attack my fishing rigs. I thought I had all those things put away.

This is Skipper on the vet examination table, waiting for the staff to bring him some sleepy kitty liquid. As you can see, he is calm. Nobody is holding him here. He was just hanging out, looking a little spooked but remaining calm. The vet had already taken a look at him and asked why the hell I have "shark hooks". Dude - those are not shark hooks. Shark hooks are much larger. What we have here is a fairly standard hook for deep water fish such as dolphin, tuna, mackerel, and so on. I pointed out that it is actually a good thing that the hook was that size, as I do have much smaller hooks for catching bait. Had Skipper got into one of my sabiki rigs there would be 6 or 8 small hooks on one line. That could have been ugly. Or he could have swallowed one and got "gut hooked" which would have been REALLY nasty.


This is Skipper right after getting the sleepy cat shot. The sedation consent forms are in the background. While I was signing them Skipper jumped up on my shoulder. He likes to do that. Shortly after this picture was taken, Skipper was zonked out.

But there is a happy ending to all this!


This is the last photo in the series. Notice the lack of any fish hook. It is gone. That spot is where the stitches are. Skipper got three stitches out of the deal. He was still groggy when this one was taken. I was waiting for his OK to be discharged. The vet had to take him into the surgery room and push the hook through Skipper's mouth so that the barb was exposed. Then you cut the barb. At that point you can just pull the rest of the hook out as it is just smooth metal.

Exactly the same thing you do to yourself if you get stuck by a hook. Only when you do it to yourself on a boat, you do not get any drugs. And if you need stitches too bad. Either grab a sewing needle and some fishing line or just bleed till you stop bleeding - or apply first aid methods to stop the blood flow.

And if you do this on my boat I will ask you to kindly bleed over the side of the boat. I do not want that mess on my deck, or leaking into the bilge. Plus your blood may attract more fish! So yea, bleed over the side - or do not bleed at all.

But Skipper got excellent medical care. Which was good. I can explain to a person (or myself) that "this is going to hurt, but it is the only way to get this thing out". Can't do that to a cat. Skipper may have freaked out and bit the crap out of me, or squirmed and caused unnecessary tissue damage.

So how big was the hook exactly? This big.

This is the actual hook. For some reason the vet gave it back to me. That thing next to it is a quarter, so you can get an idea of the scale. I still have the hook.

Skipper is feeling a lot better now. I bought him some canned food because I expect his mouth to be a little sore for a few days. He may have trouble crunching up the dry food.

The whole incident only cost $185. Most of this was for the emergency visit. The emergency visit / exam was $105. The "exam" only took 30 seconds because it was CLEAR what was wrong - there was a large fish hook in the cat's mouth. No tests were needed, no x-rays had to be taken. In the history of the universe, that was the quickest $105 ever made by anyone. The rest was for the sedation medicine, the hook removal fee (was this coded in the computer???? How often does this happen???) and the antibiotic pills.

I expected it to be more. But what can one do? The hook had to come out. The vet could do it with a lot less stress to Skipper than I could. And even if I had done it myself there is still the issue of infection and the need for antibiotics.

Skipper feels a lot better. He is over here now, informing me that he wants more of that canned food. He seems to like that horrible smelling stuff.

New Phone, Skipper's Nuts, Medical Record Mishaps, And Other Things

It seems that I have figured out how to use the Opera browser in the new phone to view this blog! The secret it to resize the page to 75%. This way it looks right, and I can zoom in on important things. Namely the comments. I know what the posts say because I write them.

Oh yea, and I CAN log on and write new posts! I can also leave comments, and look at other blogs and shit. So now - no matter where I am - I post stuff providing there is a wireless signal. Pretty cool.

I will not get the IPhone. It is cool, but so is what I have now. I may get the Ipod Touch later. Even if my phone is also a MP3 player. And unlike the IPhone, my phone is compatible with stereo bluetooth head phones! The IPhone - NOT. I can also tether my phone to the laptop to use it as a modem. The IPhone? NOT! My phone is on the 3G network - the IPhone uses the older, slower, EDGE network. And so on.

Skipper is still nutless. I do not think he has figured this out yet. He was a bit wobbly when I got him home after the snipping, but he is recovered now. Well almost recovered. He is an ounce or two lighter. But he seems to be acting the same. He still harasses the other cats. But he will not spray anything, and if he gets out he will not go out Tom Catting and get into a fight and get his cat ass kicked.

He is not very big. He would get his ass kicked. Big time. And that would be costly.

The funny part is that the neutering went on Sake's vet record. So now Sake - a girl cat - is neutered. And spayed. She got it both. I wonder if the same thing happens to human medical records? Ill bet it does.

In other news, I got bored and checked for State jobs. I got a wild hair to work for Marine Fisheries - but because I did not flunk out in High School and become a cop there is not a good chance of this happening. I kind of sort of meet the requirements for an investigator, but the "4 year college degree" can be substituted for "work experience".

Now some people here may not be familiar with public sector jobs. So Ill break it down for you. In the PRIVATE sector, when they say "4 year degree required - work experience can count for education" they mean "we really want someone with a degree, but if you have 15 years of experience in the field then we may consider you".

In the PUBLIC sector this means "we would rather hire a goon, who probably flunked High School math".

Now what does this mean? Why do the cops ALWAYS know who has the drugs? BECAUSE THE COPS ALL DID DRUGS! You know the guys who were always hanging out in the locker room, wearing letter jackets, taking as many gym electives as possible, and flunking basic math and language arts? Well guess who became the cops! Ill give you a hint - NOT the top 10% of the class.

But I saw another job posting for the Florida DOT. A toll booth manager.

Now this got me to thinking. How hard is it to manage a toll booth? There is a device that counts cars and calculates tolls - so if an attendant is skimming off the top it will be easy to bust them. And is anyone going to complain about bad service? Maybe - but who gives a shit? I can just tell them "Why don't you just go buy a SUN PASS transponder and use the electronic collection lanes? Now buzz off, I have important things to do. My phone gets the internet you know".

Really - how hard could it be? I could do that! I want to manage the toll booth for Alligator Alley. That would rule. Out there by the edge of the Everglades - with the frogs and alligators and insects that bite. Perfect.

So I filled out a profile thing, and they send me postings I may match for. And guess what one posting sent was? Toll Booth Manager. Could it be fate?

The reality is that there is little chance of getting it. The State posts shit to the public - but the reality is that they will take someone who is a toll collector now and promote them. They do not have to be competent, this is the State of Florida we are talking about! Anyone will do.

I got other irons in other fires anyway. Sooner or later something will stick to the wall. In theory.

Adventure In The ATT Wireless Store

Cause I do.

The day after Christmas was somewhat eventful here. As usual, I started the day off by sleeping in late. From there it only got better.

I took my Best Buy gift card I won in a contest to Best Buy. The laptop CD drive is dead, so I needed an external drive. I picked out the LG External Super Multi DVD Rewriter. I had my eye on this before Christmas, but it was on sale today. It reads CDs and DVDs (of course) and it will write to any CD media (R and RW) as well as any DVD media (single and dual layer R and RW). Pretty sweet. I also picked up 20 blank DVDs that support LightScribe.

Oh yea, the drive supports LightScribe. So after I burn a CD/DVD I can flip it over and burn a label. This is really cool, but there is one drawback. The blank DVD has to support LightScribe.

I also got something for the boat! I have a satellite radio receiver for the truck, and another one that is for use outside the truck. It works fine, but there is one drawback. The FM transmitter in the receiver is weak, and there are no real open frequencies here. Too many shitty low power pirate stations, with a few higher power pirates mixed in for good measure. To compound issues even more, the boat GPS also causes interference. So I got this thing that will send a FM signal directly to the boat stereo using a hard wired connection. This should take care of the interference.

This took care of the gift card.

Next stop was the AT&T wireless store. I wanted another bluetooth phone. I walked in and signed up on the waiting form. Then I went next door to the wine store to get a drink. Having to deal with the ATT store drives me to drink. The wine store had.....CHIMAY BLUE LABEL in 11.5 ounce bottles!! Not this Chimay Blue Label is not messing around, it is 9%. So drinking one is like drinking two effect wise. JUST WHAT I NEEDED!

Inside the place I scoped out the ATT Tilt and the Apple Iphone. Some JACKASS was playing with the demo phone for a long time, watching some bullshit on You Tube. So I had to wait...and wait...but I got to mess with the demo.

Now the Iphone is pretty cool. I like the Safari web browser. But I went with the ATT Tilt because it uses the 3G data network. The problem is it runs Windows Mobile. I already put the Opera mobile browser on it, which instantly makes it better. Internet Explorer mobile version totally sucks.

I went with the Tilt over the Iphone because the Iphone has only internal memory, the Tilt uses mini SD and internal memory. Also I can change out the battery on the Tilt, the Iphone has no way to get to the battery.

I may still return the Tilt and pick up the Iphone - because even with Opera the web browser is not as nice as the Iphone. My page will not load properly. Oh well. But the Tilt has a keyboard that does not involve the touch screen. So I do not know yet.

SKIPPER goes in today for nut removal. The big snip. No food or water for him till after the snip.

Weekend Update WITHOUT Dennis Miller

Time for a weekend update! I had a lot of stuff to do. I was going to get the boat ready for the Winterfest boat parade control boat thing. I was going to wax the hull (I expect to get a ring of two cycle oil on the boat, the wax makes it easier to clean), weld together an orange flashing light holder thing, affix the banners, install a second (temporary) radio, find my extra anchor (I need a stern anchor), make up some more lines, and check my navigation lights to see if they still work.

I got none of that stuff done. But I did make a spy mission to Broward! I am going to launch from the 15th Street Boat Basin. There are only two ramps there, but they are good deep water ramps. Not a lot of parking spaces there either.

Broward County has the shittiest boat ramps I have ever seen. Truly shitty ramps. I am glad I made the spy mission, the park I had picked has TERRIBLE ramps. The ramps are not steep enough and do not get into deep enough water for me to float the boat off without getting the truck wet. I want to avoid dunking the truck into the water. Trucks hate salt water. The 15th Street Boat Basin has steeper ramps, in better condition, that drop off into deeper water than the other place I was going to use.

I also....got a new digital camera! Yes Christmas came early. I now have an Olympus Stylus 790 SW. The SW stands for "shockproof" and "waterproof". This little 7.1 megapixel camera is waterproof to 10 feet for 1 hour. Perfect for boat use. My other Sony camera has a better lens and takes better photos (even if it is only 5 megapixels - megapixels really do not mean very much to be honest - it is all about the optics) - but the Sony is about as waterproof as a towel. One drop in the right place and it is done. I can jump in the water with this Olympus. And it is small (unlike the Sony) so I can carry it around easier. I plan to get the waterproof housing for the thing later. The housing is waterproof to 160 feet. Right now I can use the camera snorkeling but with the housing I can take it diving.

This is a photo of Skipper taken with the new camera. Skipper is on top of Max The Lizard's temporary winter house (a 55 gallon Aquarium). You can see the lizard "heat lamps" in the background, along with some paper towels. Max is not in his inside cage, it is currently warm enough for him to chill in the backyard cage. He likes the backyard cage better than the indoor cage.

The full size photo of Skipper is a little over 3 megs. This is the full resolution of the camera. The photo seems slightly out of focus, but I have not really read the instructions yet. There may be a setting the thing has that takes sharper photos.

Saturday Post Madness

FOOD SHOPPING TIP! Everyone knows to come here for excellent beer buying tips. But how about food? Well guess what - I have some EXCELLENT food shopping tips.

But "happy cow" shit. Yes I said "happy cow" shit. You know, stuff from that "organic" dairy. What the hell is the name of it? I forgot. Organic Valley? I think that is it. Buy it. If you are buying dairy products and you can get that product from Organic Valley buy it.

But Lazy, it costs more!

Yes and no. Sure the price at the register is higher - but I am telling you, this is some good shit. First off, it never goes bad. I do not know what they do it it - but the milk will never spoil. I had some stuff that was a month past the expiration date and it was still good. Seriously. So it does not cost more because you will NEVER throw anything away because it is spoiled.

The first time I bought some I got the whole milk. The stuff tasted like half-and-half. So now if I want "whole milk" I buy the 1% milk. It tastes like whole milk. The Organic Valley half and half is like heavy cream. Really good stuff. Trust me here. Your "skim milk" will actually not taste like watered down shit anymore - and it is still drinkable weeks after it "expires".

I am a bad cat owner. Another week went by, and did I do beans about the fact Skipper has to be "fixed"? Nope. I was all like "screw it, Ill do it tomorrow". I even made a poster about it.
I have been working on this poster for months. Really. Months. Ill find a picture for it later.

This reminds me of an ex-girlfriend for some reason. She was loud, and bulimic. I had to keep saying to her "honey, keep it down".

I should end things with that joke, but I am not. I do not believe in the "quit when you are ahead" theory. Oh no. Better to wear out your welcome so you are never asked to return again. But really that is a great joke. It works on two levels.

And in other news, I managed to get all addicted to a TV show. Heroes. Now I have done a great job of not getting addicted to any TV show. Well except for animated network TV shows (King of The Kill, The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy). And Robot Chicken. That is a great show.

And since when did all TV shows become a serial mini-series? Seriously. What happened to shows like House, where if you miss a week or two it does not matter? The show begins with a problem, everyone figures out the problem, and then the show end. There. A whole story boiled down to an hour.

This is NOT how Heroes works. Each story lasts a whole season. You can not just start watching a season on episode 3 or 4 - or else you will not know what the hell is going on.

So I spent a bunch of time on Netflix watching the entire first season, and the first 2 episodes of the second season. But now I am out of "watch it now online" time and so I have to wait for the next billing cycle so I can watch episode 3 - whatever the most recent episode is. I tried to watch them online at other websites, but the video either loads too slow OR there are Korean or Japanese or some strange subtitles. Now this is not a big deal, except some characters speak Japanese, Spanish and French. So sometimes I need to see the English subtitles. The Korean subtitles are plastered over the English ones. So that is not any good.

Why must life be so complicated? I just want to watch a stupid TV show on the computer because I missed it when it was on TV. But does NBC keep more than the last 4 shows on their website? NOOOOOO. What a bunch of tards.

I get to go on a tour of the Hurricane Center today. This is always fun. There are no hurricanes going on right now so the place will not be that active. I swear that there is a back room in that place where employees can go to smoke pot. Talk about job perks. Who needs insurance if you have an employee pot smoking lounge. With a big ole bowl of Doritos and a HDTV and a PS3. This is why you only see two or three people "working". The rest are in the back room playing Guitar Hero.

I purchased 18 beers for Thanksgiving. 6 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, 6 Sam Adams Winter Lagers, and 6 Sam Adams Black Lagers. I am down to 1 Winter Ale, 2 Sierra Nevadas, and 3 Black Lagers. I had some help. It will be time to resupply soon. Probably sometime next week.

On Animals And Ass Wiping

So I was thinking. What animal would NOT be a good marketing device to use for the purposes of pitching ass wiping paper. And I came up with the porcupine. I do not think I would by therapeutic paper if it used a porcupine as a logo.

But someone would. People will buy just about anything. Now I know that many people are on a tight budget. But there are some things that one should just not cheap out on. Toilet paper is one of those things.

Skipper has a big week ahead. He does not know this, but he is going to lose some weight this week. Not much weight, just an ounce or two.

Or to be more precise - he is going to lose an amount of weight equal to the weight of two cat testicles.

If this is not done, he will be spraying things very soon. He also runs into the back yard sometimes. If he is not fixed he will start getting into fights and stuff. Skipper is not a very big cat - he will get his ass kicked. The cost of patching Skipper up after he gets his cat ass kicked is far greater than the cost of his weight loss operation.

Paying My Fines

Paperwork day is here! This will be a fun day. I get to sign the offer letter. I also have to apply for a work ID. Work IDs are very popular these days. And this work location is pretty serious about the whole ID thing. I can dig that. Security is important.

And so, I guess it is probably a good idea to pay my court fine for the illegal lane change ticket! I have not done this yet. I will have to pay an extra $18 late fee. I was going to use the fine as leverage, but this is not going to be needed anymore. Here is what I envisioned.

COURTS - Dude, you owe us $130-something. When are you going to pay?
ME - I would be happy to pay, but you see my employment situation currently sucks. I do not think I have that kind of flow.
COURTS - I see. Do you need to go on the payment plan?
ME - maybe I do! I have $5 I can pay now. The rest.....I don't know. I do not drink cheap beer so I have to have money for that.
COURTS - For $130 something bucks, you have to go on the payment plan?
ME - Not unless you know of any jobs that I would like to get. You know, something I really want to do. Maybe something relating to.....I don't know.....maybe working for the Department of Environmental Resource Management? I noticed that department has boats. I know how to operate a boat. So how about it - you order DERM to give me a job that puts me out on Biscayne Bay in one of their boats, and I will be more than happy to pay my court costs in full. Plus the late fee. Otherwise, I have $5 I can pay now and the rest you will get in weekly installments of 50 cents, which I will pay in pennies which I have not wrapped so someone will have to count them.

And then I would be in jail. But they would not get their money!

But really, I need to pay up already. The ID application probably means some manner of background check. So no point in uncovering the fact I owe the County Courts a Franklin, a Jackson, a Hamilton, a Lincoln, and 4 Washingtons. Might as well get that out of the way. The courts take credit card (visa and master card only) payments over the internet now. This makes it easy to pay your fines.

OK - fine is paid. I still need to run my license plate through the system to check for parking tickets. You see, there is a parking ticket trick. Here is how it works. Lets say you know you are going to illegally park. How do you not get a ticket?

Simple. Find some other person who got a ticket. Then steal their ticket off their windshield. Now put the ticket on your car.

The parking enforcement people come along on their GAY three wheel motorcycle and......see you already have a ticket. Serves you right you law breaker! So they move on, see the other guy you stole the ticket from - and issue them another one.

Now on Columbus Day I technically illegally parked. I totally forgot to pay the boat ramp fee. OOPS! But when I got back after the weekend I did not have a ticket. So I either got lucky, or someone took my ticket so they could park for free. I have to check that one.

This is why EVERYONE needs to go through background checks every so often, just for fun. They motivate you to pay all your fines. They also motivate you to not curse out loud in your home. Because THIS CAN HAPPEN if you say bad words in your own home. Really, if saying "shit" in your bathroom is an arrestable offense we are all in trouble.

Skipper the cat has decided that it is fun to jump up on shelves and knock stuff over. He also thinks that the proper place for a cat to be is on the table. You have to guard your food. You can not leave any food out - you have to hide it in the oven or microwave.

So I bought a 32 ounce squirt bottle. Skipper hates water more than any cat I can ever remember having. So now when he is being a pain in the ass, he gets squirted. No warnings. Right now he is being good. I wonder why? He better not decide that it is fun to knock stuff over after I am sleeping, because I have the bottle in reach. It is right next to me. And it is full.

More About Skipper And Korat Cats If You Can Get That Far

So the other day I was at McDonalds, and they had installed double drive up lanes, but only had the same single window where you pay!

Just kidding. The retarded bullshit has not made it down here yet. By the way, those are two separate totally unrelated links. So that is one thing I do not have to worry about. Not that I go to McDonalds very much. It is food of last resort. It is pretty nasty stuff.

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Ever think you are just going to go to sleep because someone you know just popped into town from Germany so you went out to a Thai/Japanese place to meet them and have some food and ended up drinking 5 things of hot sake, ate an order of vegetable spring rolls, some spicy tuna rolls, and spicy yellow curry with shrimp then hung out at a Starbucks but did not order any coffee? Well that is just what I was thinking. I get home at 11:15 and start to watch TV. Then I get tired, probably from all the sake. That stuff is good. I like it a little too much. If I ever get to Tokyo I am going to consume my weight in sake and then be like Godzilla, except instead of destroying everything I will just be taking a leak on everything. I do not know what the Japanese symbols for "mens restroom" is. So I might have problems finding a toilet. The cops there do not carry guns, right? I hope so.

Anyway I sleep for a bit, then wake up. And shortly after that I have a slight gut ache. So I think "oh shit" and go to the bathroom. It was very.....uhhhhh....liquid like? So I get that over with and then I feel better. But I am awake now. Great. Aren't you glad I shared that with you? It was like there was a pressure down there - and it decompressed rapidly. I do not think anything was solid. More details you are probably more than happy to read.

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And now for more on Skipper and Korat cats. If you made it this far. Which I somehow doubt.

Anyhow, in another post which I am too lazy to locate but you can search this blog for "Skipper" and "Korat" and find it yourself, I posted that Skipper looks a lot like a Korat cat. So I started to research this finding. And it seems Skipper also looks like a Russian Blue, and a Chartreux. But these two breeds have a double coat, Skipper seems to only have a single coat. The Chartreux is also a stocky cat (Skipper is not) and the Russian Blues have vivid emerald green eyes (Skipper does not). The Chartreux, Russian Blue, and Korat all have a similar color. The Russian Blue is the most common of the three breeds in the USA, with the other two being somewhat uncommon.

So Skipper may just be a random blue cat with silver tipped hair and a single coat. It really does not matter. But I still think he is more like a Korat than any of the others. He is not stocky, and does not have the double coat.

But all three breeds have similar personalities. They all pick one human that they are always following around and hanging out with. That sounds like Skipper. He is always around here someplace. If I am on the sofa, Skipper shows up. If I am in my bed watching TV, Skipper shows up. Cleo and the other cats are not like that. Oh yea and if I am on the sofa and Cleo comes by to visit, Skipper will attack her and make her run off - then he hangs out. Of course he is playing, but none of the other cats want to play with him.

But Korats are known to be full of energy, either in "cat high on cocaine" mode or in "totally crashed out" mode. Again, sounds like Skipper. There is no middle gear for him. He is either zonked out or running all over the place terrorizing the other cats. Right now I do not hear things getting knocked over, or other cats running away and hissing so Skipper must be zonked out somewhere.

Lets see, what else. Oh yea, Korats get along well with other cats - as long as they get to be number one with the human they choose to claim. Again, sounds a lot like Skipper.

The other day I was draining some water from a 6 gallon fish tank. While I was putting the gallon container on the floor so I could siphon out some water, Skipper jumps on my back. So now I can not just stand up straight without getting clawed. And then he goes into zonked out mode. Seriously. He just sprawls out, purrs, and makes like he is about to take a nap. So I had to stand up slowly. And then get him off my shoulders. He does stuff like that all the time. It is kind of a pain in the ass. And it happens rather often.

But there is one good thing. Skipper does not seem to loose hair all over the place.

Mysteries

OK so some alert readers, and one phone spy, reported to me that the blog looks messed up. Something about stuff on the left sidebar invading the space reserved for my postings.

I have no idea what this means. You see, it looks fine on my laptop computer. And also looks fine on the emergency backup desktop computer. Maybe it is my video settings? The "wide screen" display on the laptop? Who knows. By the way, I tried loading the page with both Firefox and Internet Explorer. I like Firefox better.

Now this means I need more spy reports. I think I removed the offending thing that is causing the overlap. But this is just a guess. So what I need is MORE SPY REPORTS! This means you. Does everything look right? Yes? No? Can't tell? With enough spy reports, I can solve this mystery.

And now for the second part of the mystery. The mystery of Skipper The Cat. Skipper, as you may remember, is the newest cat. He is a gray kitten. I found Skipper across the street from the house, on the sidewalk. He was just barely weaned, and very little. He weighed less than 2 pounds. Kittens that little just do not wonder off. I do not think he was able to climb over the fences, and where he was the nearest house door was pretty far. So I suspect he was dumped.

But why would someone dump him? He seemed to be taken care of. He was free of fleas and ear mites, had no worms, was not at all afraid of people. He was just on the sidewalk meowing. When I walked up to him he started purring and rubbing against my leg. I was able to pick him up and he did not freak out. Clearly, this was the kitten of a well taken care of house cat. And he was still little and cute and a kitten and stuff. Usually if someone dumps a kitten that little they dump the mama cat and all the brothers and sisters too. But in this case it was only Skipper.

I figured the mystery would just go unsolved. But then I saw a cat on the cover of some cat magazine. It looked almost exactly like Skipper.

This is a Korat. I had never heard of this breed before. But it looks like Skipper. Same fur color, same eye color, same gray nose, and everything. I had found a Korat kitten photo that showed a litter that all had the same color eyes as fur. Skipper had the same color eyes when I found him, but they have since turned green.

He even has the silver sheen that is a characteristic of the breed. Like you can see in this photo. The fur is almost shiny in natural light. The roots are a deep gray color, but they are tipped with a silver tinge. This is that gives the cat its color.

By the way, the cat experts cay this breed is "blue" as opposed to "gray". But I think they are on crack. I have never seen a "blue" cat. I think the "cat experts" are all smoking too much cat nip.

And so now, I think I have all the evidence I need to solve the mystery of Skipper. Here is what happened.

Some asshole out there thinks they are a Korat breeder. They got a few pedigree cats and figured they could make some easy money selling cats, even if the shelters are full of free cats that are really just as good as any other cat. Backyard breeders.

But Skipper posed a problem for them. See, Skipper has WHITE PATCHES! This means that their "pedigree" cats are of poor quality. Korats are supposed to be solid "blue". Some slight white coloring on the very tips of the paws are OK - but only a little bit.

Skipper has too much white on his paws, a white splotch on his chest, and another white splotch on his belly. No good to be a pedigree Korat. So the breeder simply dumped him somewhere so nobody would see him and question the "quality" of the litter. All his litter mates were probably all "blue".

This would explain why he was in good health, not afraid of humans, and free of parasites. His white coloring may not have been there when he was first born. Usually when a newborn "pedigree" animal does not look right it is killed right off the bat. No evidence! Or maybe the people knew he was up to specs but just could not kill him right away. So they let him get weaned then dumped him before any buyers could see him and his ugly white splotches.

That would explain how such a little guy ended up where he did. With no mama cat looking for him. And no "lost kitten" signs. And why he was not wild.

Skipper does not want his picture taken, because he is upset about his white splotches and keeps attacking the camera. Or I might have made that up, and I am just too lazy to get up and get the camera. One or the other.

THIS JUST IN! I got motivated to get the camera. I had to get up to take a leak and get a beer anyway. So I might as well get the camera too. And find Skipper. This is never hard to do. So here is my almost perfect Korat, discarded like so much garbage because he is not perfect due to his white blotches - clearly visible in these photos




Oh by the way, I have room for only 2 more songs in the Iguana Music list. I have to replace one of the Def Leppard songs because it is a COVER and not the real band.

Music For Emma

Today's Iguana Music feature is for Emma who Sometimes visits this blog and comments. And sometimes I suspect she just lurks. She was all like "you can't find this song" and I said "watch me". Well not exactly. Sort of. Anyhow it is a good cover of a Zep tune I am not really that much in to. It is super over played. Anyhow there it is.

I am like a giant squid, deep in the abyss. My tentacles stretch out a very long distance, yet I am unseen. The way I like it to be. My sources are many.

I got some sort of mystery funk. I feel sort of crappy. Not too crappy, just crappy enough that I am not super motivated to do anything. I am drinking that Airborne crap. Someone told me it would work, but who the hell knows. I do not feel any worse, nor do I feel better. So did the stuff work, or did it not work? Nobody knows. There is no way to know.

I got some ugly ass shoes.

Corcs. They are ugly as hell but they are comfortable. They are made of some kind of soft plastic or something. They do not slip on a wet boat deck, nor do they leave marks. I got them for use on the boat, but I have been wearing them instead of putting on real shoes. I am apparently too lazy to tie my shoes now. Also I feel crappy and do not really want to go anyplace.

I tried to take a picture of Skipper, but he would not have it. He kept running off or attacking the camera. I have to catch him when he is zonked out, otherwise all you will see is a gray blur.
The shutter on the digital camera is slow. I press the shutter release, there is a pause, and then it takes the photo. During that pause Skipper has run off or pounced on the lens or whatever. The auto focus can not react fast enough.

Stuffed

I discovered a new place to get food today. Kraut food. The place is called "Heidi's". I had a dinner sampler plate, which came with some sort of sausage, a cut of pork, a cut of marinated roast beef, chicken schnitzel, sauerkraut, boiled red cabbage, mashed potatoes, cucumber salad, and a small side of apple sauce.

A lot of food. But it was good. Even the cabbage. Somehow, I managed to eat it all. AND because I am a champ I also downed a liter of German beer. After dinner I also had a shot of this "Underberg" herb bitters. It tasted and smelled kind of like Jagermeister. The taste and smell was stronger however.

I was waddling out of the place like a fat man out of an all you can eat buffet. I was so stuffed I thought I might blow chunks all over the parking lot. But Ill tell you what - the herb bitters said "to aid in digestion" and it did! After the shot I felt better. I was able to stand up and walk without spraying schnitzel all over the place.

So now I know where to go for good German beer. They have a small bar. But their hours of operation kind of suck. Not very beer drinking friendly. They close too early. But the food is good. The place is less of a bar and more of a place to stuff your face with meat products. And Black Forest Cake. Oh yea, they also have a cuckoo clock. From the Black Forest maybe? Who knows.

And while eating it, I came up with some thoughts. How in the hell do Germans live past age 40 eating NOTHING but beef, pork, sausage, and schnitzel? Really. A vegetarian would starve in Germany. I do not think one can live on apple sauce, cucumbers, sauerkraut, and cabbage. I think I have eaten enough for the next 24 hours. That was one monster plate. I am still amazed I was able to stuff it all down.

I got all my Netflix movies in the mail. I should get two more sometime today, and another one Tuesday. Ill update the movie box things later.

Skipper is starting to be a pain in the ass. He has discovered that he can get on top of things and knock stuff off. I have to be less lazy and remove the empty cans of seltzer water to the recycling bin and not just leave them on shelves for removal later.

The bigger cats do not want to play with Skipper. They hate Skipper. Cleo will play with Skipper for short periods of time - sometimes. But not enough. So he has to find stuff to play with. Like the coin sorter he just knocked over. He likes to play "destroy all humans" too. He likes to go for feet, arms, and my face/neck.

Mystery Solved

I found out why the check card quit working.

It seems it is all because I needed gas. So I go to gas station A and insert the card. The machine asks for my PIN number or billing address zip code or whatever - then told me to "see attendant". I did not want to see the attendant, which is why I was paying at the pump in the first place. The attendant is a pain in the ass. First I have to walk alllllll the way to the cash register. Then say "fill up on (pump number)" and leave something with the attendant so I do not gas and dash. Then I have to fill up. Then I have to go back in to pay. Then go back to the truck.

So I bail out of that dump! And off to the BP. The BP pumps turned on for me, but they were pumping slowly. Very slowly. This means the tanks are almost empty and I was pumping the last of the gas. This is how you get shitty gas in your vehicle. The scuzz at the bottom of the tank could get into your tank.

So after a whole whopping 10 cents of gas (did you know you can pump that little?!!?) I shut the pump off, got my receipt, and bailed.

Gas station number 3 was all right. They let me pay at the pump without waking up the attendant, the pumps were not working slow, and so on. So $50 later the tank is full and off I go. I was REALLY low on gas!

Visa detected fraud. Three gas station charges in less than 10 minutes. So they shut off the card. But now it works. I know this because.......

I bought some beer. I will need this beer for the weekend. I intend to get the boat wet. The forecast is still crappy, calling for a 20 - 25 knot winds on Saturday and 10 - 15 knot winds on Sunday, with bay waters choppy in exposed areas. But the power cat is designed for this. I do not want to go offshore, but the chop in the bay I can deal with. Sunday looks more promising than Saturday. But in either case I will need beer. Samuel Adams Summer Ale - the official boat beer of 2007.

So yea, the card is working again. I called the bank and a nice human helped me out. It is good that someone is paying attention to strange activity on credit cards. Of course Visa is not doing this for me - they are doing to to protect their ass. I have a $0 fraud liability thing with the bank. So if someone does steal my card I do not loose any money. Visa and the bank loose it. So are they looking out for me or them? What do you think?

The gray cat has an unofficial name. Skipper. This is a good name for a little gray cat. If I can get Skipper used to going out on the boat it could be a good thing. Lets say I am stopped by the water po po. They ask me "who is the Skipper?". I can point to the cat and say "Skipper, the Mullet Patrol wants to speak to you". Then I can go back to drinking beer. Was I operating the boat in an "unsafe manner"? Hey - take it up with Skipper. He is in charge of the vessel you know. I am just the pilot. He tells me what to do.

So yea, this could be fun. Or it could get me clubbed like a baby harp seal, waffled in the back of a police car, then thrown into jail.

I have not yet hired a cheese head to get me out of having to do the traffic school thing. I am considering my options still.

There is a NEW ADDITION to the Lazy Iguana Evil Arcade. The twin engine boat docking simulator! It is not a very good simulator, there is no wind, no current, and the boat does not seem to drift very much. Also even when you have both engines in the same gear the boat seems to move off to one side. I guess the twin screws are not counter rotating! Anyway see if you can dock the boat using nothing but the engine controls. No rudder! You do not need it with twin screws.