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Saturday, December 08, 2007

Location Is Everything

Good news! I found my missing wallet. It was not where I usually leave it. So I must have put it there and then forgot where it was. This is why I do not panic when I notice something missing. I usually know when I have lost LOST something. But if it is just misplaced - it turns up eventually.

A also found the mother load of motivational and anti-motivational posters! I have shared two already, but there are soooooo many more. Like this one.


How true. Flexibility is almost never, ever over rated. This poster is more of a wisdom poster than an anti-motivational poster. And there are many many many more where this came from. M@ will get a kick out of this one, seeing as how he has discovered that yoga can be porn. Leave it to M@.

In other news - I found some awesome stupid Florida laws! Here they are, with commentary from me.

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.

It is true. I remember voting for this. It is against the Florida Constitution to keep a pregnant pig confined in a cage. But once it has given birth, it is bacon.

One may not commit any "unnatural acts" with another person.

And who are you to say what is "unnatural"? You know what I think is unnatural? Getting into a metal box that goes 100 mph every morning, just so you can sit in that box for an hour (or more) because all the other metal boxes with people in them prevent you from going any faster than 8 mph, then working under artificial lights for at least 8 hours then getting back into the metal box to go home and watch TV. That shit is unnatural.

Unmarried couples may not commit "lewd acts" and live together in the same residence.

OH COME ON! Are you serious? So where am I supposed to commit lewd acts? The public park? No, that would also be illegal. Living with the person you are committing lewd acts with is the most convenient arrangement. Easy accessibility. Also rent is expensive. But not living together is also good - because it keeps fights down to a minimum. So maybe this is not such a bad law after all? Who knows. But at least if you live together first, you know what you are getting yourself into! Otherwise there could be some ugly surprises.

Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.

OK I get it. Me being drunk in public corrupts the public morals, but some wasting millions of dollars of public money on "consultants" is perfectly OK!??!!? What a bunch of shit. Miami-Dade County has spent millions on worthless consultants. Like the $500,000 spent to study and improve traffic flow. The consultants suggested changing the timing on some traffic lights on Bird Road - which fucked up traffic flow even worse. $500,000 was spent to FUCK THINGS UP MORE than they were already fucked up. So when are we going to lock up some elected officials for "corrupting the public morals"? Huh? I am waiting.
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.

Now this one is not really dumb. All doors on public buildings open out in case there is a fire. When mobs of people rush at the doors, they will burst open outwards. If they opened inwards, then people would crowd them preventing anyone from opening the door. So they all open out. Pretty slick.

It is illegal to sell your children.

So then what good are they? How is one supposed to turn a profit here? I can sell my car. I can sell my boat. If I had a horse then I could sell that thing too. But I can't sell my children???! What sort of communist bullshit is this?

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

I agree with this stupid law. The smell of burning hair makes me ill. Also, that is the one place on a chick there it does not corrupt the public morals to have hair. So if it burns off - that is just wrong.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

Well no shit. Cant have any unmarried chicks having a parachute accident on Sunday. But once they are married - whatever. The sky is the limit - and then once you are in that sky just bail out of the plane.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Who the fuck has an elephant? And if you have an elephant, who the fuck would leave it tied to a parking meter? What do you do, ride the thing around town like it is a horse or something? See if you or I smoke pot we are lawbreakers and need to be in jail. But when LAW MAKERS smoke pot, they decide that elephant owners have to pay the parking meters just like if they had a car.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

I guess this is why there is no poolside karaoke anywhere. I knew there had to be some reason. Next time I catch someone singing in a swimsuit I will bust out with the taser and make a citizens arrest.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Does this include priests? Yes, I went there. I went there, took pictures, bought a t-shirt, and came back. Also - does this include judges? Those guys are really into fashion.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

Did someone try to do this? Seriously if I saw someone about to do this I would not interfere. Love is love after all. Plus it would be funny. I think the porcupine can take care of itself.

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.

Uhhhhhh......ok.....If you say so.

Oral sex is illegal.

Uhhhhhhh...OK.....If you say so.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM.

So do all your farting before 6 PM! Or else, hold it till midnight. I hope that public buildings open after 6 PM stop serving beans at 5:30 PM.

Labels: , ,

9 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

This scam only works if you have cute kids: Dress them up very nicely, sedate them with some Benadryl and sell them at a very high price. Then, when the peops bring them back and demand a refund, only give them the SALE price, thereby making a profit. Repeat.

Your comments are as funny as the laws.

Soooo, are these my links?

08:54  
Blogger Avery Gray said...

People are stoopid.

Glad you found your wallet. It's always in the last place you look...

But I'll let you keep that poster. It's not really my cup of tea.

13:45  
Blogger TLP said...

So, I can't move to Florida. I'm sorry, but getting all my farting in before 6 PM is too restricting.

I'm good with not having sex with a porcupine however. I guess that law musta been aimed at guys. I can't think that a porcupine would have a dick big enough for a chick to mess with. (Size does matter.)

13:52  
Anonymous krok8 said...

The Lazy,

That stretchy girl is very hot. That condom commercial was crazy wasn't it?

We had a trace of snow yesterday and it took me 2-hours to get downtown. I don't think the illegal immigrants have been taught how to drive on ice.

15:02  
Blogger Doozie said...

so, pretty much every one in your state should be incarcerated? thought so.

please so no to porcupines

23:00  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Scarlet - Good point. You could probably sell your kids more than once. Cut them in on the scam so that the more times they are bought and returned, the more allowance they get.

Avery - I got more posters. Just you wait.

TLP - tell me about it! I know I have broken the no farting in public buildings after 6 PM law more than once. I have never EVER broken the porcupine law.

Krok - the condom song was too good to just waste in any post. It should be saved for a day when I do not have anything else to post.

Doozie - it seems so. Although breaking most of those laws is not a felony.

00:03  
Blogger Yippeeskip said...

You've got to be kidding on these laws. Too friggin funny but I would expect nothing less from the state that could not figure out hanging chad or who would elect Jeb Bush.
I do know some people who would do a porcupine.

10:03  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I wish I were kidding. Some of the laws I am not sure of. And I forgot about Florida's famous anti-turgidity law. It is illegal to be turgid on the beach. The problem is that hot chicks in bikinis are not illegal. So this makes it hard to not get hard on the beach.

20:57  
Blogger Some Goofy Woman said...

Ah yes. This is why fark.com has a "Florida" tag.

Get out while you still can.

-AD

12:45  

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