Transexual co-workers

While doing my daily blog reading, I noticed a comment about strange co-workers. Well, here is my story.

I used to work for an un-named federal agency at the Miami Airport (HINT...my job was to look through your stuff for nail clippers and other bad things). Anyway, the workforce was very mixed!

One dude was named Raquel. I swear I am not making any of this up. The dude insisted that he was in fact a she. His offical government issued name tag even said Raquel. We all called Raquel a "shim".

when I first had to work with shim, I thought "crap that is a fat ugly dude!". Then I noticed the name tag. So I was a bit confused. Can a woman be THAT ugly? Is it possible? Then shim said something to me. It's voice was like Arnold "The Govenerator"s voice - deep. VERY deep. About 3 octaves deeper than my voice. So at that point I had to bite my cheek till it was bleeding to not bust out laughing. I did not want to get fired for "insensitivity". The government is big into that kind of crap.

Anyway, shim would seriously confuse passengers. People would ask shim questions by saying things like "excuse me sir, where is gate 5?" and Raquel would say (in a voice that sounds like Conan The Barbarian) "I am a mam, not a sir. See my name tag? It says Raquel". I SWEAR it would say that all the time. I am a mam, not a sir. It always cracked me up.

Anyway, the poor passenger would always get a confused look on his or her face, like they were expecting someone to jump out of the x-ray machine and say "SMILE! You are on candied camera!". They would not know what to say. After a pause to see exactly what the person was going to do, one of the normal people who worked with me would step in to rescue the poor person.

Sometimes the passenger would flat bust out laughing, and then Raquel would get upset. Other times, the passenger would say something funny or rude right back to shim. These people always made the work day funnier. Either way, one of the normal people would have to step in.

Shim also had a SERIOUS attitude. It would be the first to cry harassment, and it was no secret that shim had a cheeseball lawyer just itching to sue the federal government for some bullshit. So we all had to be very careful what we said to shim, and under no circumstances could we make any jokes at all around it. It was pain in the ass.

Shim would also skip out on some of the things that we had to do, but nobody liked to do. This is HAND WANDING! Everyone hates this. The agency has a very strict policy about using the hand held metal detector, and that is men wand men, women wand women. This policy is set firmly in stone.

So who did shim wand? NOBODY! Technicaly, it was a female. But in reality it was a dude. So according to policy it could not wand men because it was (on paper) a woman. But it still had a goober, so it was a man and could not wand women. It was always a pain in the ass for the others who had to work in the same land as shim.

Then there was the time that shim used the WOMEN'S bathroom at the airport, IN UNIFORM. Of course, the other women bolted and told the cops that a pervert wearing the same uniform as me (and everyone else) was in the ladies room, standing up to pee. So the cops went in and found Raquel. They brought Raquel back to the checkpoint to report shim to the supervisor before arresting it. Well, shim protested that it was in fact a woman. The cops were not buying it. They did not have to be nice to shim like we did. The supervisor explained the situation to the cops. In the end the cops let shim go, but I did hear the cop tell it "next time I find you in the ladies room with a penis I will arrest your ass". Well after that shim was moved to a checkpoint that was near a unisex (handicap) restroom. These bathrooms have a locking door and only accomodate one person at a time.

Then there was the time that shim wore a yamaka for the high holy days. Of course, in the jewish religion ONLY men wear the yamaka, although in some of the less orthodox temples women can wear them too. Yes, shim was jewish. Anyway, wearing the yamaka would only cause more people to assume it was a man - and this resulted in more "I am a mam not a sir" speeches. It was funny, but would get annoying after the 25th time in one day. So I finally just told it to either take the hat off, OR just put up with people calling it sir. Shim pointed out the name badge, and I reminded it about its deep voice, facial hair, lack of boobs (it did have fat guy man boobs), and hat. What else were people supposed to think?

Anyway, shim was transfered to baggage (along with me, I could not get away from it no matter HOW much I told the manager that I was going to kick its ass one day). One slow day, shim fell asleep at the big x-ray machine. It got written up, and was sent home for a week without pay (the agency was terrified of the lawyer). Then a week after that, shim fell asleep again and was FINALLY fired. Shim could not cry harassment, because there was documentation backing up the action.

Everyone was happy

So there you all go. Now you all have the inside story of a Miami TSA legend, the story of Raquel.
Just try to picture, if you can, Conan The Barbarian saying "I am a mam, not a sir" while wearing a Yamaka and a name badge that said "Connie The Barbarian". Now try to think about that and NOT LAUGH.Even to this day, it cracks me up.