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Thursday, December 28, 2006

In Case Of Emergency, Read This

I know that in theory, it is still "the holidays". In theory. But I also know that some of you are secretly wondering the question that many people are wondering at this time. When the hell are those people going to leave? Yea you thought it was a good idea to invite them over for the holidays, and yea you were happy when they arrived - but that was almost 2 weeks ago.

So, I have put together a little list of ideas you can use to form your exit strategy. Feel free to use one or more of these ideas!

How to get rid of guests that stay too long:

1. Remove and hide all the toilet paper. Leave sandpaper in its place.

2. Leave all manners of body hair in the bar soap. On purpose of course.

3. Do not cook dinner. Just sneak out of the house and get yourself some take out. Act like it is no big deal you did not bring any extra food home.

4. Stop wearing clothes. NOTE - this may not work depending on who the guest

5. Hold a fire drill every day at 4 AM.

6. Move the cat box to the guest room.

7. If you do not have a cat, get one. Then see item 6.

8. Buy a pet tarantula, and arrange for an "escape". Big hairy spiders are creepy.

9. When you make coffee in the morning, serve yourself first then pee in the pot.

10. "Forget" to flush.

11. Remove the guest bed sheets. Put them away.

12. Bribe a local cop to put a "move this vehicle or else it will be towed" sticker on your guest's car.

13. Run out of beer. Neglect to buy more.

14. Nothing says "get out" like a gift card for a full tank of gas!

15. Decide you are the next American Idol. Practice your singing whenever you are wake.

16. Poop with the door open.

17. Reverse mooch. Ask the guest if you can borrow some money.

18. Tell your guest the utility bill is here, and they owe you for half.

19. Trick your guest into going outside, then lock all the doors. Pretend you are not home.

20. Spend an hour sharpening your best chef's knife. When your guest asks
what you are doing say "oh nothing. By the way have you seen my anti-psychotic
medication? The voices say they hid it someplace I'll never find it".



Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

A novel list, indeed.

Wishing you a happy and healthy new year.

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

Many great ideas here. This is exactly why I put a guest double-wide in the back yard.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Good idea. You can always have the trailer towed away in the middle of the night.

Blogger Econo-Girl said...

Funny, as usual.

Blogger actonbell said...

Ha! Very good. Simply turning off the hot water would make ME bolt, to tell the truth. I can't cope with cold showers.


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