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Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Animal Testing

So today I was taking my weekly shower (Florida is having a water shortage - we all have to make sacrifices) and for whatever reason I read the back of the body soap bottle.

THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

As if this is a good thing. And I suppose it is. Or is it? So I got to thinking.

If it is NOT tested on animals - how do I know I am not going to break out in some sort of rash? How do I know all my hair will not fall out, and my skin turn green?

So here is what I am thinking goes down.

Vice President of New Products (VPONP) - hey boss! Check this stuff out! Smells great huh?

CEO - yea. What is it?

VPONP - it is the newest body soap! Sure to be a smash hit!

CEO - does it have any side effects? Has it been tested?

VPONP - uhhhhh....no? But it is OK! We will print "not tested on animals" on the bottle.

CEO - so, we will test the product on humans?

VPONP - YES! Exactly! Test it on people, not animals!

CEO - OK by me. People suck anyway. Market it to those hippies and we will throw some leftover Agent Orange into it. We have been trying to get rid of that shit since 1973. MUBHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! (evil laugh)

VOPNP - MUBHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Mr. Burns - (rubbing his hands together) Excellent......

Now I am sure that the real reason why products are not tested on animals first is that the companies already know they are safe. If all the chemicals in the newest shampoo were already tested once - no need to do it again. Although it would make the lab monkeys smell better. And who thinks that is a bad thing?

OK so you might. But do you have to work in the lab with the monkeys? Probably not. If you did then you would not mind them getting a bath. And if they quit throwing poop that would be even better.

2 Comments:

Blogger Lily Strange said...

I didn't use Gillette products for about 10 years until I found out they'd stopped testing on animals because they would do particularly heinous things like the LD-50 test, in which a substance is given to a group of animals to see how much it takes before 50% of them die from it, or they put chemicals in the eyes of rabbits and then put them in a sort of stock to hold them there so they can't try to clean themselves and get the stuff out. Mean and unnecessary.
That cheap ass soap at this restaurant where I used to work must have been made out of some sort of caustic chemical because my hands were so torn up after using it that they looked like they had a bad sunburn and had been shredded by a cheese grater.

04:23  
Blogger Dusty said...

Lily is right about that test, plus there is the wonderful one where they deliberately put a shitload of the product in the animals eyes to 'see what happens'. Love that one.

10:21  

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