Missing Package

I like to shop for crap online. I was not really a big mail order person back in the dark ages when you had to pick crap out of a printed catalog, fill out an order form with an actual real pen, write a check or send off your credit card info to someplace to be read by someone, then wait decades for whatever it was you ordered to arrive. That sucked.

Of course back in the dark ages, I did not have a checking account OR a credit card. Nobody did. This is why it was the dark ages. Society was so primitive and backwards that something as simple as a Space Shuttle launch mesmerized everyone. Now it hardly makes 30 seconds on the news, but back in the dark ages it was a major event.

But enough about the dark ages, when American cars were actually made in America and would drop actual American made parts all over the highway because they were pieces of shit nobody wanted to drive. Those days are over. And the reason I have a Toyota.

Now doing the mail order thing is so much easier. You place your order on the computer, and the next business day the order is processed and shipped. You get a tracking number via email and now you can check on the status of your shit every hour till it arrives. Very cool.

EXCEPT for when it does not arrive. I ordered something from somewhere. It is really not important where. OK fine from Philadelphia Boat Supply. They had a really good price on some red and green sidelights. LED sidelights. Yes I already have sidelights (they are required by law), but the new lights will be LED so they will not ever burn out and are totally sealed and draw next to nothing and will be mounted higher and be more visible.

The company was quick to process the order and get my stuff in the mail. So all is good there. I dutifully check the UPS website whenever I think about it to see where my shit is.

And on the day it was supposed to be delivered - nothing. Nothing. I check the porch for a box - and there is none.

Thinking this was odd, I checked the tracking number. And it was delivered. OH REALLY??!?! If that is the case - where the crap is my shit?

So I put on my detective had and start to look around, causing great concern to the neighbors because there is this crazy person with a detective hat and a large magnifying glass walking around saying "indubitably" and "elementary" a lot.

My search turns up nothing, except for some dog shit in the front lawn. If I ever find out whose dog is shitting there I am going to collect the poop and mash it into the air conditioner intake on their car.

So I call UPS. They say I have to complain to the company that sent me the stuff. So I said "I am! You guys were supposed to deliver the shit". But no. I have to complain to the boat supply company. Like they can do anything about it?

So I call the boat supply company who says they will track the package down. What do they do? Check the tracking number then tell me it was delivered and is on the porch. So I explain how you can not always believe what you read and the shit was in fact never delivered. So they contact UPS and tell UPS to do a trace.

What the hell is there to trace? I never got the shit. Someone else may have picked it up. The driver may have gone to the wrong place. Who the hell knows. Maybe aliens abducted it. Maybe the Loch Ness Monster stole it. Nobody really knows.

But they are going to do a "trace" anyway. Well fine. Company policy is company policy after all.

Well today UPS sent the driver for this area to start the trace. The problem - I was not here. I did not even know anyone came by because there was no note left or anything. I found out only because I called UPS and asked what was up.

Well now this is just getting retarded. The goon on the phone says that the driver has to ask me some questions. OK fine - this means I have to be home? Yes it does. So now I have to be home waiting for the UPS truck to come by so that someone can ask me what I already told everyone - the shit was not on the porch when I checked. But what if I have stuff to do? Good thing I don't I guess.

And why can't the person on the phone ask me whatever the driver wants to know? Who knows. Apparently the questions are a company secret and UPS believes in compartmentalization of information so that no single employee knows too much. You know, in case Fed-Ex were to abduct and interrogate a UPS employee they would only get a tiny amount of information.
Do not want those phone bank people to know too much! What if they are spies for Fed-Ex or DHL????? The damage to UPS could not be measured.

So now, either myself or my authorized agent has to be here waiting for the UPS truck to come by so I can say "thats right, I never got my shit". And then the driver will drive off to do whatever it is UPS drivers do when they drive off.

And I still will not have my stuff.

Need A Better Alarm Clock,

For the most part the fancy cell phone is working out OK. But there is one problem.

I have grown attached to cell phone technology. For years now my phone has also been my alarm clock. Every phone I have had was annoying enough to work as an alarm clock, and useful enough so I did not smash the shit out of it when it went off.

The perfect alarm clock. And yes, I have smashed the shit out of alarm clocks before. Back before I became one with the universe using advanced zen techniques and as a consequence was more angry.

Also the old alarm clocks were not really that useful.

But this new phone has a shitty alarm clock. Really crappy. Useless even. It is like (whispering) "please wake up now! You have to get up! But I can see you are sleepy so I will just be quiet an not bother you anymore!!".

Well that crap does not work. I need an alarm clock that says "HEY YOU LAZY BASTARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! DO NOT MAKE ME TAZE YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL!!!".

I need an alarm clock that is not playing games. I need an alarm clock that will do whatever it needs to do in order to get the job done.

So I downloaded this program for the phone. It is an alarm clock. But it is LOUD.

But for whatever reason, it does NOT always go off. I need to figure out why.

But all is not lost. I have another alarm clock. A fat orange furry one. Fred. He gets hungry, and knows when it is time to be fed. So he knocks shit off the shelf and onto my head when it is food time and he has no food. This usually wakes me up. Usually.

In other news, UPS sucks. I ordered some crap. I saw the stupid UPS truck drive by the place. I knew that I was supposed to get the package on Friday. So I think "well here is my package!". And the truck drives by without stopping.

Strange. It should have stopped. If UPS that sofa king we todd ed that they send two truck to cover my hood?????!?!

Apparently they are.

So later I check the tracking number. It says "delivered". WHAT!?!?!? Delivered?!?! Really?? So I click on the "delivery conformation" link. It says "porch".

So who the fuck is "Porch"???? I do not know anyone named "porch". How is "porch" a delivery conformation??!?!?

So I check the porch. Nothing there! No box with red and green LED sidelights for the boat! So I look again, just in case I am retarded and can not see a box. Nope! Still not there!

Strange. But stranger things have happened. I live at XXXX SW XX street. OK so what if I check at XXXX SW XX Terrace? Sometimes delivery people and the USPS gets XX street confused with XX Terrace.

So I go one block south to check the house with the same numbers as the place I live at, only on XX terrace and not XX street.

Nothing. No package was left there by accident. I tend to believe the elderly hispanic lady who lives there because she does not have a boat and therefore has no need to LED navigation lights.

So what gives??? Where the hell are my nav lights? I sort of need them you know. Not really a HUGE deal as the boat has red and green side lights now, but I never liked the lights it has. The new lights will be brighter and they will be installed much higher, so they will be visible for a longer distance. But as it is I am legal to run at night now.

Anyway I already left a message with the company that shipped the lights letting them know the RETARD UPS driver who clearly rode the short bus to school messed up and my package is nowhere to be seen.

I can see this becoming a hassle already. The last thing I need.