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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Missing Package

I like to shop for crap online. I was not really a big mail order person back in the dark ages when you had to pick crap out of a printed catalog, fill out an order form with an actual real pen, write a check or send off your credit card info to someplace to be read by someone, then wait decades for whatever it was you ordered to arrive. That sucked.

Of course back in the dark ages, I did not have a checking account OR a credit card. Nobody did. This is why it was the dark ages. Society was so primitive and backwards that something as simple as a Space Shuttle launch mesmerized everyone. Now it hardly makes 30 seconds on the news, but back in the dark ages it was a major event.

But enough about the dark ages, when American cars were actually made in America and would drop actual American made parts all over the highway because they were pieces of shit nobody wanted to drive. Those days are over. And the reason I have a Toyota.

Now doing the mail order thing is so much easier. You place your order on the computer, and the next business day the order is processed and shipped. You get a tracking number via email and now you can check on the status of your shit every hour till it arrives. Very cool.

EXCEPT for when it does not arrive. I ordered something from somewhere. It is really not important where. OK fine from Philadelphia Boat Supply. They had a really good price on some red and green sidelights. LED sidelights. Yes I already have sidelights (they are required by law), but the new lights will be LED so they will not ever burn out and are totally sealed and draw next to nothing and will be mounted higher and be more visible.

The company was quick to process the order and get my stuff in the mail. So all is good there. I dutifully check the UPS website whenever I think about it to see where my shit is.

And on the day it was supposed to be delivered - nothing. Nothing. I check the porch for a box - and there is none.

Thinking this was odd, I checked the tracking number. And it was delivered. OH REALLY??!?! If that is the case - where the crap is my shit?

So I put on my detective had and start to look around, causing great concern to the neighbors because there is this crazy person with a detective hat and a large magnifying glass walking around saying "indubitably" and "elementary" a lot.

My search turns up nothing, except for some dog shit in the front lawn. If I ever find out whose dog is shitting there I am going to collect the poop and mash it into the air conditioner intake on their car.

So I call UPS. They say I have to complain to the company that sent me the stuff. So I said "I am! You guys were supposed to deliver the shit". But no. I have to complain to the boat supply company. Like they can do anything about it?

So I call the boat supply company who says they will track the package down. What do they do? Check the tracking number then tell me it was delivered and is on the porch. So I explain how you can not always believe what you read and the shit was in fact never delivered. So they contact UPS and tell UPS to do a trace.

What the hell is there to trace? I never got the shit. Someone else may have picked it up. The driver may have gone to the wrong place. Who the hell knows. Maybe aliens abducted it. Maybe the Loch Ness Monster stole it. Nobody really knows.

But they are going to do a "trace" anyway. Well fine. Company policy is company policy after all.

Well today UPS sent the driver for this area to start the trace. The problem - I was not here. I did not even know anyone came by because there was no note left or anything. I found out only because I called UPS and asked what was up.

Well now this is just getting retarded. The goon on the phone says that the driver has to ask me some questions. OK fine - this means I have to be home? Yes it does. So now I have to be home waiting for the UPS truck to come by so that someone can ask me what I already told everyone - the shit was not on the porch when I checked. But what if I have stuff to do? Good thing I don't I guess.

And why can't the person on the phone ask me whatever the driver wants to know? Who knows. Apparently the questions are a company secret and UPS believes in compartmentalization of information so that no single employee knows too much. You know, in case Fed-Ex were to abduct and interrogate a UPS employee they would only get a tiny amount of information.
Do not want those phone bank people to know too much! What if they are spies for Fed-Ex or DHL????? The damage to UPS could not be measured.

So now, either myself or my authorized agent has to be here waiting for the UPS truck to come by so I can say "thats right, I never got my shit". And then the driver will drive off to do whatever it is UPS drivers do when they drive off.

And I still will not have my stuff.



Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I trust that you have already contacted your credit card company to stop payment...

Happy 300th day of the current occupant. I wish it were in the single digits.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i've had a similar experience and they make it so freakin hard. its like, you are the customer, but they treat you like shit.

this will be interesting to see how it turns out.....have you put that lawyers number into your phone??

Blogger Bee Repartee said...

Wasn't it Steven Wright that said, "Why is it that your shit is stuff, and everyone else's stuff is shit?..HEY, get your shit out of the way so I can put my stuff down"

Blogger Bee Repartee said...

George Carlin, of course. I just looked it up.

Blogger Fuzz said...

Gee, I still haven't got my new Motorcycle Goggles from JC Whitney. Surely they weren't on the same truck ?

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Owing to the fact that I was born when dinosaurs roamed this Earth, I used to buy lots of stuff from catalogs!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - not yet. The boat stuff company did not do anything wrong. I want to see what UPS is going to do to resolve the issue first.

Ponder - a lawyer for a $40 item? Naa. If all else fails Ill just call the credit card people and have them issue a charge back.

Bee - my shit is mostly shit. Only the good shit is stuff.

Fuzz - hope not! You probably need the goggles more than I need the navigation lights!

CM - I used to like looking through the catalogs. I would even make mental lists of all the shit I wanted. But with no way to pay for anything - it was hard to get anything. But now with the internet is is just so darn easy!


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