Need A Better Alarm Clock,

For the most part the fancy cell phone is working out OK. But there is one problem.

I have grown attached to cell phone technology. For years now my phone has also been my alarm clock. Every phone I have had was annoying enough to work as an alarm clock, and useful enough so I did not smash the shit out of it when it went off.

The perfect alarm clock. And yes, I have smashed the shit out of alarm clocks before. Back before I became one with the universe using advanced zen techniques and as a consequence was more angry.

Also the old alarm clocks were not really that useful.

But this new phone has a shitty alarm clock. Really crappy. Useless even. It is like (whispering) "please wake up now! You have to get up! But I can see you are sleepy so I will just be quiet an not bother you anymore!!".

Well that crap does not work. I need an alarm clock that says "HEY YOU LAZY BASTARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! DO NOT MAKE ME TAZE YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL!!!".

I need an alarm clock that is not playing games. I need an alarm clock that will do whatever it needs to do in order to get the job done.

So I downloaded this program for the phone. It is an alarm clock. But it is LOUD.

But for whatever reason, it does NOT always go off. I need to figure out why.

But all is not lost. I have another alarm clock. A fat orange furry one. Fred. He gets hungry, and knows when it is time to be fed. So he knocks shit off the shelf and onto my head when it is food time and he has no food. This usually wakes me up. Usually.

In other news, UPS sucks. I ordered some crap. I saw the stupid UPS truck drive by the place. I knew that I was supposed to get the package on Friday. So I think "well here is my package!". And the truck drives by without stopping.

Strange. It should have stopped. If UPS that sofa king we todd ed that they send two truck to cover my hood?????!?!

Apparently they are.

So later I check the tracking number. It says "delivered". WHAT!?!?!? Delivered?!?! Really?? So I click on the "delivery conformation" link. It says "porch".

So who the fuck is "Porch"???? I do not know anyone named "porch". How is "porch" a delivery conformation??!?!?

So I check the porch. Nothing there! No box with red and green LED sidelights for the boat! So I look again, just in case I am retarded and can not see a box. Nope! Still not there!

Strange. But stranger things have happened. I live at XXXX SW XX street. OK so what if I check at XXXX SW XX Terrace? Sometimes delivery people and the USPS gets XX street confused with XX Terrace.

So I go one block south to check the house with the same numbers as the place I live at, only on XX terrace and not XX street.

Nothing. No package was left there by accident. I tend to believe the elderly hispanic lady who lives there because she does not have a boat and therefore has no need to LED navigation lights.

So what gives??? Where the hell are my nav lights? I sort of need them you know. Not really a HUGE deal as the boat has red and green side lights now, but I never liked the lights it has. The new lights will be brighter and they will be installed much higher, so they will be visible for a longer distance. But as it is I am legal to run at night now.

Anyway I already left a message with the company that shipped the lights letting them know the RETARD UPS driver who clearly rode the short bus to school messed up and my package is nowhere to be seen.

I can see this becoming a hassle already. The last thing I need.

Target Pisses Me Off

I do not know why this is. But it is true. Target pisses me off. Actually I DO know why this is.

It all started with the new phone. See the new phone EATS BATTERIES UP. Of course maybe this is because I am always playing with it. I can get the internet anywhere now. Streaming XM satellite music, over the phone, anywhere. I have a plan to get free XM service for years. See you can get a FREE three day trial by providing an email address. And I have BlueHost taking very good care of my lazyiguana.org domain. Included with my domain are 1500 email address accounts. So doing some math I have discovered that I can sign up for a free three day XM trial every three days for the next 4,500 days. That is 12.3 years. Pay for XM service? Why when it is free?? I may be crazy, but I am not stupid.

It is really cool. I have a 4 gig mini-SD card that I can put MP3 files on, and if that is not enough (I know all you I-Phone people, you have 8 gigs) I can always tune into XM satellite radio over the internet using the phone.

And the phone has GPS with Google Maps loaded. So that means even more use! And then today I picked up some bluetooth stereo headsets for $40 from a friend who bought them but their phone does not support it. What does this mean? It means I can listen to phone music (MP3 or XM) in stereo WIRELESS. I can walk 30 feet from the phone and not lose the music.

So I-Phone people - how about that? Do YOU have the 3G network? NOPE! You have the older slower EDGE network. Do YOU have a built in GPS with Google Maps? NOPE! You have to get this hack add-on thing that sticks out the bottom of the phone. And you may have to hack the phone itself as well. Do you have full Bluetooth 2.0 capabilities? NOPE! Can you use stereo wireless headsets? NOPE! Can you use your phone as a wireless high speed modem for your laptop? NOPE! But you are sooooo cool because you overpaid for a phone that uses older technology and does not even let you use the full capabilities of the technology it does use! But hey - it looks cool. And it does have a better web browser. Whatever.

So I need a car charger, for battery charging on the go. ATT wanted some insane amount for a cheap looking charger. No problem, I go to Best Buy. Now Best Buy does not piss me off - that much. Only a little. They do not have anything for my phone. So I walk out and think where else to go. There is a Target next to the Best Buy so I go there.

And then I get pissed off almost instantly. First I go to the Starbucks there for a shot of Espresso because I have been up all night and now the sun is up and my 5 hour energy shot thing is wearing off. So I needs my coffee. But the flunkie tells me "we are closed right now for cleaning". WHAT!?!??!?! There are four people behind the counter. ONE is cleaning, three are picking their ass. Can't someone make me a shot of Espresso?? Apparently not. Everyone has to watch one person clean, while the other three explain why they can't do anything except stand there and tell people they can not do anything. It is clear to me that people DO sleep with their sister. The Target Starbucks counter proved that. Seriously, right there were four people that would make perfect poster children for a PRO-ABORTION campaign. Useless as tits on a boar hog.

Strike one.

Then I go to the electronics department. But they MOVED IT to somewhere else in the store.

Strike 2.

Then I have to look for the electronics section. So while I am wondering around the other shoppers annoy me. And the crankiness of being up all night starts to creep in. I HAVE TO get out of that place!!! The walls close in. And then when I find the electronics they have NOTHING. And what they do have is more expensive than what they have at Best Buy.

Strike 3.

I swear, all I needed to get arrested for over use of foul language was for some retard store manager to give me some shit. ANY SHIT. Even a "how is your shopping experience today". Do you REALLY want to know how my shopping experience is??? REALLY!!! I don't think you do you fucking retard! You can not handle what I have to say about my shopping experience! How do you like my "kick you in the balls" experience??? Huh?? Not very much?!?!? Why not?!?!?!

I had to make a break for the exit before I flipped out.

And then on the way out, the coffee counter was serving people. AGGGHHHHHGGHHG! I have never wanted to fire bomb a place before. But I thought about it. Get some motor oil from the auto department, a bottle from the bottle department, some rags from the kitchen department, I have gas in the truck, and lighters are by the registers. Everything I need for destruction in one place! America is great! Make up some fire bombs, run in the Target, yell "I HATE THIS PLACE AND EVERYONE IN IT" then start lighting rags and throwing bottles. Then take my receipt to customer service and ask for a refund because my bottles broke, and my rags and oil are currently on fire.

So I go back to Best Buy and bought a car I-Pod charger for $20. Because the car I-Pod charger came with a mini-USB charge cable, which is exactly what the phone uses. Works great. $15 less than the cheap ass charger at the ATT store, and if I ever get an I-Pod (which I do not need anymore or ever) I can charge that thing without having to buy anything else.

I still want to get the desktop cradle charger that also charges a second battery. And I may get the extra high capacity battery - but the extra high capacity battery (close to three times the amps as the standard battery - so it should last close to three times as long) makes the phone thicker. But the thicker battery would solve the issue with the battery life. Of course if I just used the phone as a phone and not as a multi media entertainment system complete with MS PAC MAN installed on it the battery would probably last longer too. If I ever find Donkey Kong for the phone it is all over.

These bluetooth stereo headsets are really cool. Wires suck.

Oh yea while I was in the Target I saw this stuff. So I took a photo of it. For Scarlet. I know she likes Blue Moon.
Full Moon! A seasonal from Blue Moon. I have no idea how it is, because I did not buy it. I did grab a 6 pack of Sierra Nevada PORTER but I abandoned it in the store and walked out with nothing because the store pissed me off so bad. I could not take standing in a line to buy something without drinking at least half the beers first. Then I would have finished the rest in the parking lot - and there you go! 6 bottles! Now all I need is some gas (full tank in the truck), some rags (have those in the truck tool box), some oil (got a quart of that in the truck tool box) and a lighter (would need to go to the Target for that as I do not smoke) and I would have made the local news.

Adventure In The ATT Wireless Store

Cause I do.

The day after Christmas was somewhat eventful here. As usual, I started the day off by sleeping in late. From there it only got better.

I took my Best Buy gift card I won in a contest to Best Buy. The laptop CD drive is dead, so I needed an external drive. I picked out the LG External Super Multi DVD Rewriter. I had my eye on this before Christmas, but it was on sale today. It reads CDs and DVDs (of course) and it will write to any CD media (R and RW) as well as any DVD media (single and dual layer R and RW). Pretty sweet. I also picked up 20 blank DVDs that support LightScribe.

Oh yea, the drive supports LightScribe. So after I burn a CD/DVD I can flip it over and burn a label. This is really cool, but there is one drawback. The blank DVD has to support LightScribe.

I also got something for the boat! I have a satellite radio receiver for the truck, and another one that is for use outside the truck. It works fine, but there is one drawback. The FM transmitter in the receiver is weak, and there are no real open frequencies here. Too many shitty low power pirate stations, with a few higher power pirates mixed in for good measure. To compound issues even more, the boat GPS also causes interference. So I got this thing that will send a FM signal directly to the boat stereo using a hard wired connection. This should take care of the interference.

This took care of the gift card.

Next stop was the AT&T wireless store. I wanted another bluetooth phone. I walked in and signed up on the waiting form. Then I went next door to the wine store to get a drink. Having to deal with the ATT store drives me to drink. The wine store had.....CHIMAY BLUE LABEL in 11.5 ounce bottles!! Not this Chimay Blue Label is not messing around, it is 9%. So drinking one is like drinking two effect wise. JUST WHAT I NEEDED!

Inside the place I scoped out the ATT Tilt and the Apple Iphone. Some JACKASS was playing with the demo phone for a long time, watching some bullshit on You Tube. So I had to wait...and wait...but I got to mess with the demo.

Now the Iphone is pretty cool. I like the Safari web browser. But I went with the ATT Tilt because it uses the 3G data network. The problem is it runs Windows Mobile. I already put the Opera mobile browser on it, which instantly makes it better. Internet Explorer mobile version totally sucks.

I went with the Tilt over the Iphone because the Iphone has only internal memory, the Tilt uses mini SD and internal memory. Also I can change out the battery on the Tilt, the Iphone has no way to get to the battery.

I may still return the Tilt and pick up the Iphone - because even with Opera the web browser is not as nice as the Iphone. My page will not load properly. Oh well. But the Tilt has a keyboard that does not involve the touch screen. So I do not know yet.

SKIPPER goes in today for nut removal. The big snip. No food or water for him till after the snip.

Got More Stuff

EXCITING NEWS! I ordered the Aquapod 12 gallon HQI aquarium. The Aquapod is an "all in one" design, with a false back that includes an overflow and space to put filter media.

The HQI part means it comes with no top and a 70 watt metal halide lamp with a color temperature of 14,000 kelvins. The higher the color temperature, the cooler the light is. This means more blue. 10,000 kelvins is considered to be perfectly white. I think. So lower than 10,000 means more yellow / red and higher means more blue. 14,000 kelvins will simulate water at a depth of 10 to 15 feet. Perfect for a lot of stuff. 12 gallons with 70 watts of light means almost 6 watts per gallon - plenty of light for some fancy stuff. Like corals. When I set it up, most likely it will be saltwater. What the hell.

The tank has no canopy. It is an open design. I may get a glass lid for it to slow down evaporation. Or keep it open. Halide lights generate a lot of heat, but with no cover the heat will not be trapped.

Photos of the thing will be posted as soon as it arrives. I already know that a few modifications are needed. It will be fun to design the modifications.

So now I feel a little better about the death of the cell phone. I have insurance on the thing (I forgot that I had it) so I will be making a claim. The replacement phone I want will cost $150 after all the discounts and stuff. But I will try to get that lowered by making an insurance claim.

Depending on how much they give me for my claim - I will either retain the insurance or tell them to keep the claim offer, convert it to Mexican pennies, and cram it all up their ass. And of course drop all insurance. If all they offer is a measly $10 or $20 then what is the point? What the hell is the $3 or so a month for insurance for? I should at least get $100. At least. Maybe even enough to get the $150 phone for free.

I just love fighting with a company over insurance claims. Something tells me this is going to be a pain in my ass.

So I ordered the tank to make me feel better. I do feel a little better.

But this could be due to the Sierra Nevada Pale Ale I bought today. I have been out of beer for at least 2 weeks. I was just not motivated to get any.

The Tropical Storm will NOT hit Florida. The cone is shifting to the west (towards FL) but it will not hit. I wish it would - Central FL really needs the water. In fact, the storm needs to make landfall and stall out over Central Florida, then move SLOWLY up the coast dumping rain along the way. Atlanta is about out of water, as is Fuzz.


But whatever - it is not going to hit Florida. It will move out to sea, and die once it gets into colder water. After it rains on The Bahamas - it will only be a threat to ships at sea.

Saga Of The Phone

I have a Sony/Ericson cell phone. The Z520A to be exact. It looks like this ----->

It is an OK phone. And by "OK" I means since it was "free" and I did not have to pay extra for it, I do not want to cram it far up someone's ass. I wanted a phone with Bluetooth, and my dad was up for a free replacement phone. I was not. My contract was not old enough. So my dad ordered a replacement phone (and also extended his contract which he was going to do anyway) and that is how I got the Z520A. I took the SIM chip out of my old phone, stuck it into this thing, and that was all there was to it.

Well today I was in the backyard, messing with some electrical extension cord. I set the phone down on something. And while I was away connecting the automatic battery charger to the boat it started to rain.

Now it did not rain very hard or for very long. So the phone only got a little wet. I rescued it and dried it off. Everything seemed to be fine. But a little while after that - KAPUT! The phone turns off and will not turn on. I even tried using the hair drier on it. But no. It will not turn on.

So I am back to the old phone. I put the SIM chip back into the old phone and it works. I did not loose any phone numbers. That is good. But now I need a new phone.

So what do I get to do! Go to the ATT store and put my name on the list and wait for some jackass to look up my account and say "you are not eligible for a free phone, but here is one for only $100!".

I wanted to get a smart phone anyway. Maybe the I-Phone, but I do not know. The deal breaker with that thing is if it works on an 802.11 network. I needs something that is a phone and also gets internet access if there is an 802.11 network.

But I lack the spendable funds for the I-Phone. Or any phone for that matter. But the free replacement phones if you agree to extend a contract usually suck. So I guess I am stuck with the old phone for a while, till I can get something else better. Or I may just take whatever free phone the bastards offer (if they offer one at all) just so I can get the Bluetooth back. And of course the AT&T website is down.

But there is some good out of all this. I did not loose my numbers. SIM chips so totally rule.

Now for something completely different.

What happens when you take David Lee Roth, mix in a little Gene Simmons, take some lyrics from Def Leppard "Photograph", and a whole lot of cocaine?

You get Dr. Rockso The Rock And Roll Clown.
Dr. Rockso Music Video

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What this has to do with anything is a mystery even to me.

Forecasting, Guessing, Can Not Get A Decent Phone In The USA

This whole Dean thing is getting downright spooky. Someone is going to get hit, and they will get hit HARD. Big time hard. I am afraid that the island nation of Jamaica is going to see the worst of it. Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands. Or should I say THE Grand Cayman Island. Little Cayman and Cayman Brac will likely not see the absolute worst of the storm. But they will still see some bad conditions.

So why the rather gloomy outlook? The forecast track just keeps looking worse and worse. Here is how I base my guess. First, the forecast track from the NWS.

Now notice how the track has not changed significantly over the past few days. The track did jog slightly to the north, but not by much. Yesterday the track had it just to the south of Jamaica till the 11 PM update. Since then it has it going right over the island nation. The jog to the north is not at all significant. At the current speed the storm is moving, Jamaica will be feeling the effects well before 48 hours.

Now here is what I found to be the worst. The wind probability table. This table you have to pay attention to. You have to watch it over time and see how it changes - if it changes. So here is the 5 PM wind probability table.

So according to this table, in the next 24 - 36 hours, the chance of the storm bring a category 4 or 5 is 50%. The chance of category three winds are 40% for the next 24 hours, and 33% in the next 36 hours. And look at the 12 hour prediction. 50% for category 4 or 5, 45% for category 3, and 5% for category 2. The storm is already at category 3 by the way. The table over the past few days has been following a pattern - the odds of a 4 or 5 keep going up.

We can therefore conclude that the storm will be a category 4 or even 5 by the time it gets to Jamaica. VERY bad news for them indeed. This is starting to look like another Hurricane Gilbert. It is on an almost identical track as Gilbert. Gilbert was the second most intense hurricane observed, with Wilma taking top honors. Gilbert became a cat 5 storm after it left Jamaica, Dean could hit Jamaica as a 5. It very well could.

Now you may have noticed that the above table is from the Friday 5 PM update. So what about the Friday 11 PM update? Way ahead of you all here.

All NA? What the hell is up with that? Now this is the really scary part. Why would the computers suddenly come up with this result? And why would the NWS change their official published data to what amounts as "I have no idea"? Odds of a major storm have gone up and up. So what are the forecast models really saying now? NA? Not available? I do not buy it. I hope people under the gun are taking this seriously and are not underestimating what they are in for. This storm will cause major damage.

So, what the hell is up with the post title saying I can not get a decent phone in the USA? Why would I say that? Well lets see. Still thinking......still thinking.....OK I got it!

This photo of a flower was taken by Jane on a 2 megapixel CELL PHONE CAMERA! Can you believe that? A cell phone camera. My cell phone camera sucks ass. It is almost useless. It takes the worlds worst digital photos.

Apparently, I have to go the UK to get a decent phone with a usable camera.

Modern Communication

Am I the only one who writes the post title last? I am thinking this is a very common thing to do. You know, type a bunch of shit first and then title it when you are done. But who knows. Maybe I just do everything ass backwards.

Someone I know accused me via text messaging of being a "wimp" because I was not drinking Stout. I found this to be amusing. First off, the fact it was a text message conversation means the other person is a chick. The reality is that text messaging sucks. Just call me if you have something to say. But chicks seem to love text messaging - and so for that reason only I tolerate it.

But getting back to why I thought the comment was amusing. First off, I have been drinking beer for well over 10 years now. And when I say drinking beer I do not mean cheap ass nasty crappy beer - I mean good beer. All the underage beer drinking and college dorm beer drinking does not count because that was either Old English 800, Mickey's Malt Liquor, or Natural Lite. I am talking about my "at least a Sam Adams" days. And Sam is pretty good stuff.

But anyway, the chick that was sending me the messages does not really drink beer. I have gone with her to places with great beer and she is ordering the cider or some other mixed drink.

The reality was I was having some fine India Pale Ale style beer. Now I can not really disparage stouts. I like stouts. But IPA beers have a greater hops flavor than any stout I have ever had. Stouts use dark roasted malts - and usually have more of a sweet malty flavor than a "kick you in the ass" hops bitterness. I kind of like that bitterness.

Anyway, I thought it was amusing. To me, a stout is a lot like water. If I want a "lite" beer I will order a stout. Otherwise, I am drinking a pale ale.

But what do I know? The thousands of dollars I have spent on beer over the years was probably just wasted money.

While I am on this rant, I think I am the only person on Earth that text messages using complete sentences, proper punctuation, and of course good grammar. I even use commas and shit. Nobody else does this. But I do. Why? I do not know. I just do. I do not speak using proper English, but when I write some crap I make a reasonable effort to use the language properly. All this text messaging shorthand crap is garbage. No, I will not "C U L8ER". I do not even know that the hell that means. If you are going to send me that shit you better be really super hot. Because to respond using proper English takes a long time. And when I have been drinking at the bar it takes even longer. I have to remember how to spell words.

So is it easier to text message someone, or just call them? I say it is easier to just call. I can say a lot more shit in a minute than I can type. And if my keyboard is a number pad it is even worse. Quick - what letters go with the number 5? Do not look at your phone and no thinking! Do you know off hand what letters go with the number 5 without thinking about it? Probably not. Unless you are a chick. I have no earthly idea. I would have to look at the keypad or think about it. Lets see here, nothing goes with 1. ABC = 2. DEF = 3. GHI = 4. JKL = 5. JKL! Got it!

Anyhow I will call my friend back later. When the sun is up. And I can talk to her without having to remember what number goes with what letters. Because really - I secretly do not like to have conversations using the text messaging shit.