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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Need A Better Alarm Clock,

For the most part the fancy cell phone is working out OK. But there is one problem.

I have grown attached to cell phone technology. For years now my phone has also been my alarm clock. Every phone I have had was annoying enough to work as an alarm clock, and useful enough so I did not smash the shit out of it when it went off.

The perfect alarm clock. And yes, I have smashed the shit out of alarm clocks before. Back before I became one with the universe using advanced zen techniques and as a consequence was more angry.

Also the old alarm clocks were not really that useful.

But this new phone has a shitty alarm clock. Really crappy. Useless even. It is like (whispering) "please wake up now! You have to get up! But I can see you are sleepy so I will just be quiet an not bother you anymore!!".

Well that crap does not work. I need an alarm clock that says "HEY YOU LAZY BASTARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! DO NOT MAKE ME TAZE YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL!!!".

I need an alarm clock that is not playing games. I need an alarm clock that will do whatever it needs to do in order to get the job done.

So I downloaded this program for the phone. It is an alarm clock. But it is LOUD.

But for whatever reason, it does NOT always go off. I need to figure out why.

But all is not lost. I have another alarm clock. A fat orange furry one. Fred. He gets hungry, and knows when it is time to be fed. So he knocks shit off the shelf and onto my head when it is food time and he has no food. This usually wakes me up. Usually.

In other news, UPS sucks. I ordered some crap. I saw the stupid UPS truck drive by the place. I knew that I was supposed to get the package on Friday. So I think "well here is my package!". And the truck drives by without stopping.

Strange. It should have stopped. If UPS that sofa king we todd ed that they send two truck to cover my hood?????!?!

Apparently they are.

So later I check the tracking number. It says "delivered". WHAT!?!?!? Delivered?!?! Really?? So I click on the "delivery conformation" link. It says "porch".

So who the fuck is "Porch"???? I do not know anyone named "porch". How is "porch" a delivery conformation??!?!?

So I check the porch. Nothing there! No box with red and green LED sidelights for the boat! So I look again, just in case I am retarded and can not see a box. Nope! Still not there!

Strange. But stranger things have happened. I live at XXXX SW XX street. OK so what if I check at XXXX SW XX Terrace? Sometimes delivery people and the USPS gets XX street confused with XX Terrace.

So I go one block south to check the house with the same numbers as the place I live at, only on XX terrace and not XX street.

Nothing. No package was left there by accident. I tend to believe the elderly hispanic lady who lives there because she does not have a boat and therefore has no need to LED navigation lights.

So what gives??? Where the hell are my nav lights? I sort of need them you know. Not really a HUGE deal as the boat has red and green side lights now, but I never liked the lights it has. The new lights will be brighter and they will be installed much higher, so they will be visible for a longer distance. But as it is I am legal to run at night now.

Anyway I already left a message with the company that shipped the lights letting them know the RETARD UPS driver who clearly rode the short bus to school messed up and my package is nowhere to be seen.

I can see this becoming a hassle already. The last thing I need.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...


It sucks because if you are unhappy with a shipper, you can't do a damn thing about it, the seller ships is how they ship. I would recommend placing a life size image of yourself outside your door, where the delivery person can pretend to get your signature and all is well

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - I was thinking about making a sign out of bright LED lights that show my full name and address and "HEY UPS! I LIVE HERE!!!".

But I doubt they can read anyway, so there goes that idea.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Check behind the bushes and inside the bushes. Check you entire yard. I found one of my packages three days later between some cherry bushes and the wall about 8 feet from where a human could get to it. Had to use a stick to get it out.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

My son and I both sleep through...I mean, use the cell phone alarm. And we also both need the alarm clock that sounds like a train crashing through the house and some obnoxious bruiser yelling "wake up you damn lazy louts or I'll kick your asses!"

Blogger Kristen said...

I've been terribly remiss in my blog reading, and I apologize. I just had to interject that Nokia makes the best alarm clock phones, and Motorola's alarm clocks work but are not easy to get to. Also, the snooze is wonky on my Motorola phone.

When I worked for my last employer, who was a large company that shipped things to people (sometimes by UPS), one of my friends dressed up for Halloween as a UPS delivery. She got a big appliance box, stepped all over it, drove over it, ripped it and taped it up in several places, then wrote "BROWN DOESN'T CARE WHAT YOU WANT" on it. Then she made shoulder straps and wore it to work.


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