Need A Better Alarm Clock,

For the most part the fancy cell phone is working out OK. But there is one problem.

I have grown attached to cell phone technology. For years now my phone has also been my alarm clock. Every phone I have had was annoying enough to work as an alarm clock, and useful enough so I did not smash the shit out of it when it went off.

The perfect alarm clock. And yes, I have smashed the shit out of alarm clocks before. Back before I became one with the universe using advanced zen techniques and as a consequence was more angry.

Also the old alarm clocks were not really that useful.

But this new phone has a shitty alarm clock. Really crappy. Useless even. It is like (whispering) "please wake up now! You have to get up! But I can see you are sleepy so I will just be quiet an not bother you anymore!!".

Well that crap does not work. I need an alarm clock that says "HEY YOU LAZY BASTARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! DO NOT MAKE ME TAZE YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL!!!".

I need an alarm clock that is not playing games. I need an alarm clock that will do whatever it needs to do in order to get the job done.

So I downloaded this program for the phone. It is an alarm clock. But it is LOUD.

But for whatever reason, it does NOT always go off. I need to figure out why.

But all is not lost. I have another alarm clock. A fat orange furry one. Fred. He gets hungry, and knows when it is time to be fed. So he knocks shit off the shelf and onto my head when it is food time and he has no food. This usually wakes me up. Usually.

In other news, UPS sucks. I ordered some crap. I saw the stupid UPS truck drive by the place. I knew that I was supposed to get the package on Friday. So I think "well here is my package!". And the truck drives by without stopping.

Strange. It should have stopped. If UPS that sofa king we todd ed that they send two truck to cover my hood?????!?!

Apparently they are.

So later I check the tracking number. It says "delivered". WHAT!?!?!? Delivered?!?! Really?? So I click on the "delivery conformation" link. It says "porch".

So who the fuck is "Porch"???? I do not know anyone named "porch". How is "porch" a delivery conformation??!?!?

So I check the porch. Nothing there! No box with red and green LED sidelights for the boat! So I look again, just in case I am retarded and can not see a box. Nope! Still not there!

Strange. But stranger things have happened. I live at XXXX SW XX street. OK so what if I check at XXXX SW XX Terrace? Sometimes delivery people and the USPS gets XX street confused with XX Terrace.

So I go one block south to check the house with the same numbers as the place I live at, only on XX terrace and not XX street.

Nothing. No package was left there by accident. I tend to believe the elderly hispanic lady who lives there because she does not have a boat and therefore has no need to LED navigation lights.

So what gives??? Where the hell are my nav lights? I sort of need them you know. Not really a HUGE deal as the boat has red and green side lights now, but I never liked the lights it has. The new lights will be brighter and they will be installed much higher, so they will be visible for a longer distance. But as it is I am legal to run at night now.

Anyway I already left a message with the company that shipped the lights letting them know the RETARD UPS driver who clearly rode the short bus to school messed up and my package is nowhere to be seen.

I can see this becoming a hassle already. The last thing I need.

Tracking Fun

My aquarium shipped! Hooray. I still have no place to put it. But it is not here yet.

But this is the 21st Century - not the stone age! And this means....UPS ONLINE PACKAGE TRACKING! So where is the aquarium at right now? Lets check!

Location	Date			Local Time	Description
ANAHEIM, CA, US	10/31/2007			8:40 P.M.	ORIGIN SCAN
	10/31/2007			8:31 P.M.	FORWARDED TO THE FACILITY IN THE DESTINATION CITY
US	10/31/2007			8:19 P.M.	BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

When it does get here it will just remain in the shipping box - after I check for damage of course. I may set it up with just tap water in it to check for any leaks and / or other malfunctions. And I may want to modify it slightly. I like to tinker with things.

Daily tracking updates will be posted till I get my stuff, which should be on or before November 6.

And in other news - Halloween is over. Now normally we would get a break before the "Holiday Season" begins. I remember when the "Holiday Season" did not really start till AFTER Thanksgiving.

Those days are over. Left behind in the stone age. This is the 21st Century. The information age. We do not have time to wait around for things! Hell if I could download take-out food I would.

So when did "The Holidays" start on November 1? The ads for this season's Christmas movies are already out. Fred Claus is in theaters on the 9th. Got to get that money now before people spend it on other crap! And in the next few days all the other Christmas ads will be out. Malls will drag out all those darn decorations. Festive music will be playing everywhere. And so on. All this will happen in the next few days.

OPEN LETTER TO SEARS:

Halloween is over. So please pull your Craftsman "Happy Halloween" ad where a bunch of tools form a skeleton. We want Christmas ads! So lets get on the ball. Tell marketing to stop smoking the pot and get with the program already.

And now for something GROSS! Miller Chill - a "chelada style" light beer brewed with a hint of lime and salt.

Chelada style beer? What the crap is that? I have never heard of it. So I Googled it. And I found out that this style of beer is really NOT a style of beer - it is a mixed drink. About as much of a "style" of beer as the Irish Car Bomb.

HOW TO MAKE AN IRISH CAR BOMB

1/2 pint of Guinness or other stout

1/2 shot of Bailey's Irish Creme and 1/2 shot of Jameson Irish Whiskey in the same shot glass

Take the shot glass with the Bailey's and Jameson and drop it into the 1/2 pint of stout, then CHUG IT. Do not put the glass down till the shot glass hits your nose.

Clearly not a "beer style". So anyway in Mexico at some point someone decided to mix hot sauce with beer. Think of a "Bloody Mary" only use beer instead of vodka. In Spanish this is called "cerveza preparada " or "prepared beer". One form of prepared beer involves lime juice.

So there Miller Brewing Company! You are NOT producing any "style" of beer. You are producing a wimpy version of a mixed drink. But then again - most people will not care. They will drunk your swill and think it is "beer". I however will keep drinking Sierra Nevada Pale Ale or Sam Adams. Without any lime juice or salt. Cause that is how I roll.

One more thing. I have a wild hair up my ass to make a pumpkin pie without using anything from a can. This means using a real actual pumpkin! Not some crap in a can. Well I will have to use evaporated milk from a can. But I want to use a real pumpkin. A pie pumpkin. They are smaller than the Halloween pumpkins - and sweeter.

And no, I have no idea there these wild hairs come from. They just get up there somehow.