Market Research

OK see if you can help me figure this one out.

I decided to catch some news to see what the hell is going on. This should not be too hard, right? I start my quest with the DirecTV remote control. I go to channel 202 which is CNN. Not the best place for news, but it works in a pinch.

But that lizard Larry King is on, talking about the WWE or some other fake wrestling thing. Must be out of topics huh Larry??? Fake wrestling? Is that the best you can do?

Not to be thwarted, I press the guide button and then press "360" which is Fox "News" (Larry King is now in a small screen box and the channel guide is displayed). So I see that on Fox is a program called "Red Eye". The description (provided by the network I presume) says "discussing the day's hottest topics. News. Series". Got that? NEWS.

So I think "well screw it, news is news" and press select. And what do I get?

A LAME ASS COMEDY SHOW! The lame Fox attempt at The Daily Show. They call this "news"?

Now how can this be? I mean at least The Daily Show DOES contain some actual news - which is sad because it is on Comedy Central. But now I go to a "news" channel and get a horrible not even funny attempt at comedy? What the hell? And what are they joking about? Some TV show about a hot chick who becomes a high school guidance counselor. The only news there is that the chick is in fact hot.

All I want is news, and all I can get is some old fart talking to a fake wrestler about fake wrestling and a lame ass not even funny "comedy" show.

I concluded I did not really need to know what is going on and just put the TV on Cartoon Network. It really is the only thing worth watching anymore - save for the occasional PBS program and cool shit on The Science Channel or whatever.

And now for part two of todays post!

You know those marketing research calls you get? Could be anything. Maybe it is someone conducting an opinion poll. Maybe it is someone calling to ask about what products you like. Maybe you recently visited some business and now some asshole is calling you to ask you about your experience there.

I always say the same thing before they ask the first question. Are you going to pay me? I do not care if you are conducting an opinion poll - if you want MY opinion then PAY ME!

Once a marketer asked me why I should be paid for a phone poll. So I replied that whoever is conducting the poll is selling the results. I mean when there is a Zogby poll stating that 80% of Americans think that smoking pot is fun Zogby does not release that poll for free now do they? Of course not. Someone has to pay for it. And someone is making money off it.

So why the hell should I give them my highly valuable 100% correct opinion for free? In fact, they do not even need to conduct the poll. Just call me, pay me, and I will tell them the correct answer.

And this folks is why polls are bullshit. They assume that everyone has an equal chance of getting selected. Except everyone does NOT have an equal chance of being selected. I have a 0% chance of being selected, unless I will get paid. So right there your "random sample" is not so random now is it?

Random sampling works GREAT on things like steel bars, strands of rope, and shit like that. But for things like opinion polls "random" sampling methods suddenly fail.

But one of my friends hooked me up with a marketing research outfit. And they ARE going to pay me for my highly valuable opinion. Only $60. For one hour of my time. Not too bad. I think that I am worth more. In fact, the marketing research firm did not need to have anyone else but me. They could have given me all the money they wasted getting opinions from other idiots. But whatever. So what the hell. I get a free $60 cash for doing what amounts to nothing, and doing nothing (or as little as possible) is what I am best at.

Nobody ever accused marketing majors of knowing anything. This is why they were marketing majors. No math involved for that major! Other than basic statistics anyway. OHHHH calculate the Z score! Big time math there - seeing as how the Z score is given to you on a chart. Just look it up. And I got college credit for that shit??? For reading a chart? Really??

Anyhow this seems to be some sort of beer market research. Beer??? I think I know a little about that. Not too much mind you. I mean I only made the shit from raw ingredients. And it is not like I am not always looking for new and exotic beers to consume. And it is not like I can't tell a fine pale ale from a pilsner from a wheat beer from swill disguised as "beer". Oh no. I am a beer retard only worth the same $60 as everyone else.

So I get to drink samples of beer, and then disparage it for the shit it is. Then I get paid. And then I get free food. And then someone has to drive me home because the marketing people are afraid I may get drunk. God help them if I do get drunk. No telling what I might say.

But chances are very good there will be much disparaging of the beer. You see, part 1 of the market research was someone asking me a bunch of questions over the phone. They would name a beer brand and I would have to indicate how often I drink it.

Now I have taken some marketing classes as part of my FINANCE major (requires actual math). So I know that the brands mentioned will probably indicate what I will get paid to drink and give an opinion on. And what were those brands?

Miller. Miller Lite. Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra?!?!?! You mean WATER?!?!?! Seriously? Did they mention Sam Adams? Nope. How about Sierra Nevada? Nope. Anything I usually like to drink? NO! Not a one.

They did mention two or three of what I call "desperation beer". In other words if I really want a beer and all I can get is Heineken then Ill take it. But if I have a choice in a desperation beer and Sam Adams - Sam wins.

I almost messed up the getting paid thing by indicating I NEVER drink Corona or even worse Corona Lite. See the market study seems to be paid for by Corona. So I changed my answer to "once or twice a month". A boldface lie. But I have no problems lying to market research people. In fact, it is FUN to lie to these people. This way funny products make it to the market. Sure! I love this fish flavored breakfast flakes! Why it is GRRRRRREAT! I would buy boxes of this stuff and eat it not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well!!!

Really - if you are so dumb that you do not know your own product SUCKS - then in my opinion you DESERVE to loose a bunch of money. The more the better. So I may keep this in mind and indicate I like the shittiest beers the best.

I will get paid the same amount if I tell the truth or lie. So I might as well have some fun.

Ill have a beer market research update tomorrow. I wonder if they will get pissed if I bring some beer on my own that they can include in the study??? You know, hand the people a bottle of Sierra Nevada and say "tell the Corona people that THIS is beer - the shit they are selling just sucks. Now give me that $60".

Breaking Point

WARNING - now is a GOOD TIME to go on news strike. Yes, avoid any and all sources of news. Watching the "news" will turn your brain into mush, you will drool on yourself, and the things President Bush says will start to make sense to you.

Now why would I call for a NATIONAL NEWS STRIKE? Simple. There is no news to be found anywhere. Here is a short list of things eating up ALL the national news time, which I do not give a crap about.

1. Howard K. Stern (or whatever the crap the middle initial is).
2. Who be the baby daddy
3. Methadone in the fridge
4. Seminole Hard Rock hotel/casino
5. Hollywood Police Department
6. Whatever crap Larry King is talking about
7. Large homes in the Bahamas.
8. Dead former Playboy models.
9. Bill Cosby's dog
10. Whatever crap Michael Bolton (the former UN guy not the awful music guy) is saying.
11. The other Michael Bolton
12. Miami Heat news.
13. RICK FUCKING SANCHEZ - get his ass off my TV forever.

Now if you want to avoid ANY of these things, avoid cable news shows. All of them. They all suck. How long as Anna-Nicole Smith been dead? Days already. So why is it still news?

YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD! How could you say this? I know you are thinking this. So here it goes.

It is always sad when people expire. Well not ALWAYS, there are some people we make special exceptions for when they croak - but for most people it is sad. And yea I can dig that Anna-Nicole's FAMILY is sad. But it is NOT NATIONAL NEWS! People die every day! They get little more fanfare than a short obituary in the local paper. Is she more important than your grandmother? How about anyone else who died in your family? From a human standpoint no, she is not any more or less important. But did ANYONE you know who died get this much air time? Mother Teresa did not get this much air time! Of course, Mother Teresa had bad timing, she died when someone else was sucking up all the news air time.

We the people need to TAKE BACK OUR NEWS!!!! So join me in the national news strike! Refuse to watch ANY news! Send off emails and letters saying "I am not going to watch your shit unless you air REAL NEWS and get off the bullshit". If you are really hardcore, ditch the cable TV service - and let the provider know why.

I can promise you this - if you watch ANY of the media circus that has already started YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! Do not buy any magazines. Do not watch any TV programs. change the channels to the Game Show Network and play along with The Match Game when the news starts to talk about bullshit (which is all the time).

If you choose to take part by buying shit and watching crap - you are feeding the junk news industry. By simply watching you are contributing to the value of advertising time on the "news" channels. This frantic scramble for those advertising dollars is what drives ALL networks to do whatever it takes to attract viewers. If you bought ANY Princess Diana magazines (when she was alive) YOU helped to make photos of her valuable to assholes with cameras - and in a way you helped kill her. Not me, because I never once bought any of that shit. The assholes with cameras got $0 of my money directly or indirectly. Same for authors of these worthless "tell all" books.

Think about it. No magazine sales = no big bucks for photos. No big bucks for photos = the photos are worthless. Worthless photos = no assholes with cameras dogging people everywhere they go. No assholes with cameras dogging people = no having to drive fast in Paris. And so on. it really does lead right back to the end consumer, for they are the source of all the money.

The choice is really up to you. Do you choose to feed into the madness and watch it? If so, you ARE part of the problem. Will you choose to not take part in any of this? If so you are part of the solution. I am being part of the solution now. NO NEWS! NONE!

Tomorrow we will return to something with more humor content. Like that will be hard to do! That is like saying "tomorrow we will smell something that smells BETTER than a pile of human bodies after being left outside for a few days in South Florida in August!"