Market Research

OK see if you can help me figure this one out.

I decided to catch some news to see what the hell is going on. This should not be too hard, right? I start my quest with the DirecTV remote control. I go to channel 202 which is CNN. Not the best place for news, but it works in a pinch.

But that lizard Larry King is on, talking about the WWE or some other fake wrestling thing. Must be out of topics huh Larry??? Fake wrestling? Is that the best you can do?

Not to be thwarted, I press the guide button and then press "360" which is Fox "News" (Larry King is now in a small screen box and the channel guide is displayed). So I see that on Fox is a program called "Red Eye". The description (provided by the network I presume) says "discussing the day's hottest topics. News. Series". Got that? NEWS.

So I think "well screw it, news is news" and press select. And what do I get?

A LAME ASS COMEDY SHOW! The lame Fox attempt at The Daily Show. They call this "news"?

Now how can this be? I mean at least The Daily Show DOES contain some actual news - which is sad because it is on Comedy Central. But now I go to a "news" channel and get a horrible not even funny attempt at comedy? What the hell? And what are they joking about? Some TV show about a hot chick who becomes a high school guidance counselor. The only news there is that the chick is in fact hot.

All I want is news, and all I can get is some old fart talking to a fake wrestler about fake wrestling and a lame ass not even funny "comedy" show.

I concluded I did not really need to know what is going on and just put the TV on Cartoon Network. It really is the only thing worth watching anymore - save for the occasional PBS program and cool shit on The Science Channel or whatever.

And now for part two of todays post!

You know those marketing research calls you get? Could be anything. Maybe it is someone conducting an opinion poll. Maybe it is someone calling to ask about what products you like. Maybe you recently visited some business and now some asshole is calling you to ask you about your experience there.

I always say the same thing before they ask the first question. Are you going to pay me? I do not care if you are conducting an opinion poll - if you want MY opinion then PAY ME!

Once a marketer asked me why I should be paid for a phone poll. So I replied that whoever is conducting the poll is selling the results. I mean when there is a Zogby poll stating that 80% of Americans think that smoking pot is fun Zogby does not release that poll for free now do they? Of course not. Someone has to pay for it. And someone is making money off it.

So why the hell should I give them my highly valuable 100% correct opinion for free? In fact, they do not even need to conduct the poll. Just call me, pay me, and I will tell them the correct answer.

And this folks is why polls are bullshit. They assume that everyone has an equal chance of getting selected. Except everyone does NOT have an equal chance of being selected. I have a 0% chance of being selected, unless I will get paid. So right there your "random sample" is not so random now is it?

Random sampling works GREAT on things like steel bars, strands of rope, and shit like that. But for things like opinion polls "random" sampling methods suddenly fail.

But one of my friends hooked me up with a marketing research outfit. And they ARE going to pay me for my highly valuable opinion. Only $60. For one hour of my time. Not too bad. I think that I am worth more. In fact, the marketing research firm did not need to have anyone else but me. They could have given me all the money they wasted getting opinions from other idiots. But whatever. So what the hell. I get a free $60 cash for doing what amounts to nothing, and doing nothing (or as little as possible) is what I am best at.

Nobody ever accused marketing majors of knowing anything. This is why they were marketing majors. No math involved for that major! Other than basic statistics anyway. OHHHH calculate the Z score! Big time math there - seeing as how the Z score is given to you on a chart. Just look it up. And I got college credit for that shit??? For reading a chart? Really??

Anyhow this seems to be some sort of beer market research. Beer??? I think I know a little about that. Not too much mind you. I mean I only made the shit from raw ingredients. And it is not like I am not always looking for new and exotic beers to consume. And it is not like I can't tell a fine pale ale from a pilsner from a wheat beer from swill disguised as "beer". Oh no. I am a beer retard only worth the same $60 as everyone else.

So I get to drink samples of beer, and then disparage it for the shit it is. Then I get paid. And then I get free food. And then someone has to drive me home because the marketing people are afraid I may get drunk. God help them if I do get drunk. No telling what I might say.

But chances are very good there will be much disparaging of the beer. You see, part 1 of the market research was someone asking me a bunch of questions over the phone. They would name a beer brand and I would have to indicate how often I drink it.

Now I have taken some marketing classes as part of my FINANCE major (requires actual math). So I know that the brands mentioned will probably indicate what I will get paid to drink and give an opinion on. And what were those brands?

Miller. Miller Lite. Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra?!?!?! You mean WATER?!?!?! Seriously? Did they mention Sam Adams? Nope. How about Sierra Nevada? Nope. Anything I usually like to drink? NO! Not a one.

They did mention two or three of what I call "desperation beer". In other words if I really want a beer and all I can get is Heineken then Ill take it. But if I have a choice in a desperation beer and Sam Adams - Sam wins.

I almost messed up the getting paid thing by indicating I NEVER drink Corona or even worse Corona Lite. See the market study seems to be paid for by Corona. So I changed my answer to "once or twice a month". A boldface lie. But I have no problems lying to market research people. In fact, it is FUN to lie to these people. This way funny products make it to the market. Sure! I love this fish flavored breakfast flakes! Why it is GRRRRRREAT! I would buy boxes of this stuff and eat it not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well!!!

Really - if you are so dumb that you do not know your own product SUCKS - then in my opinion you DESERVE to loose a bunch of money. The more the better. So I may keep this in mind and indicate I like the shittiest beers the best.

I will get paid the same amount if I tell the truth or lie. So I might as well have some fun.

Ill have a beer market research update tomorrow. I wonder if they will get pissed if I bring some beer on my own that they can include in the study??? You know, hand the people a bottle of Sierra Nevada and say "tell the Corona people that THIS is beer - the shit they are selling just sucks. Now give me that $60".

The Story Will Just Not Die

Taking up where I left off yesterday, this Larry Craig thing will just not die! Now the news channels are playing the police interview with the guy. Do we really need to hear details of exactly how this guy takes a dump? I do not think so. And what the hell kind of crap is the "bust" all about? Shoes touching? That is it? I did not want to listen to the whole tape because frankly it is boring. Who cares. Not me.

Now I may have posted here how much I hate using public cans. I would much rather just use a tree. The tree is cleaner and the woods do not stink. Now I want to use the tree even more!

The cops are trolling the bathrooms? Is this really such a huge problem? Are bathrooms really a great place to pick up a date? All this is very distressing. I would think that with all this internet stuff and Craigslist personals, nobody would have to troll the bathrooms anymore looking for something.

And what if I go in to a public toilet to drop a duce in the brownie bowl? I guess I should keep my feet planted in front of the toilet! Which is what I was doing anyway. You see, personal space is very important. I keep all my stuff well away from my stall walls, and you keep your stuff in your stall. Never should anything touch anything else. Ever. Not even to pass the important papers from one stall to the other. I check BEFORE I go in if there is a supply of the important papers in there. If I am going to need them that is. If not, then I pick another stall. Or I use the woods and a leaf or something. Or I get some of the hand drying off paper towel things from the sink area. Self sufficiency is the name of the game in the men's room. Never should one ask for any sort of assistance or help.

IMPORTANT DETAIL! Learn how to identify poison ivy. NEVER use poison ivy to wipe with if you use the woods. You will be very sorry if you do.

And you also never try to talk to anyone else in the room.

But really what I want to post about today is how there is no real news in the USA anymore. This Larry Craig thing is not news! His interview tape is not news. His press conference is not news. Nobody gives a shit. Or at least I do not give a shit. This is something that belongs on some lame daytime TV show ala Jerry Springer or Oprah. Not "the news". The news is SUPPOSED TO BE informative and relevant. But what we have is bullshit about unimportant crap that nobody really cares about.

The "news" has become an all day, never ending, gossip show. And the public is buying it up! No wonder the nation is getting dumber and dumber (and wider and wider). People are watching this crap and THINK it is news! Well it is not.

I need to hold up a Brinks truck and get a few billion dollars so I can buy my own news network. I will install an electric zapping device on all the chairs used by people on the air. Whenever they cover non-news - ZAP! 50,000 volts at low amps to the ass. What counts as non-news? Whatever I say counts as non-news. It would be funny to watch my news network!

Is there not a WAR going on right now? Could have fooled me - because if I turn on CNN or Fox or whatever right now all I will hear are details about who did what in the bathroom. Is there nothing more important going on? I guess not.