Upload Your Slogans At Crest.Com

Yea, I saw the commercial. You know the one with that annoying TV chef? BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!!

And a bunch of idiots cheer and clap. At least now we know what this child TV star is doing today!


Traded in the club for a pepper grinder huh?

Anyhow - these are some of my submissions to Crest.Com!!

1. Crest - because it tastes better than rotten teeth!

2. Crest - now with mouth herpes killing agents!

3. Crest - because crystal meth addicts need to brush too!

4. Made in the USA, so why not spend your tax rebate check on the stuff?

5. Crest - Not made in China so you know its 100% lead free!

6. Crest - possibly made in China but tested to make sure it only contains a little lead.

7. Crest - use daily OR ELSE THIS WILL BE WHAT YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE!
8. Crest - buy a tube then CRAM IT down the throat of your favorite bank CEO!

9. Crest - that minty flavor? ITS NOT MINT!!!! HAAHAHAAHAHAHHAAH!!!

10. Because Frank N. Stein says "Crest sofa king good".

Somehow, I do not think Ill be winning the contest. But they asked! Companies should really not ask me for slogans. I can come up with some you will never EVER forget - but that might not be a good thing marketing wise.

Even if every so-called marketing "expert" says that a memorable slogan is exactly what you want.

Well - you would never forget "now with herpes medicine" as a slogan would you? I would not!

And if you meet someone, and end up at their place, and you see a tube of toothpaste with herpes medicine - you know its probably a good time to leave. Unless it is already too late. In which case you might as well hang out for a few more hours. In for a penny in for a pound.

NOTE - I do not really have a problem with the Crest company - so DO NOT SUE ME!!! I have no money anyway. You would be drilling in a very dry well.

In fact, I use the stuff. Teeth are important. You need them for things like opening bottles and gripping fishing line and holding things and what not.

Adventures In Market Research

As promised, here is the update to the beer marketing research thing I did!

I can't talk about it. There is the update. No really - I had to sign a thing saying I would not talk about it.

But.....I was also already paid. So what are they going to do if I do blab? Take back my $60? Good luck there! What if I already spent it on more beer? OK - want the beer back? No problem! Give me a jug and Ill piss in it. And then you can sell my piss to a pot head looking for a job because my piss is certified 100% drug free.

So Ill blab. I do not know what I had to drink. That was a secret. I was taken to some room and I had to answer some basic questions. I forgot what these questions were about. I think it was demographics stuff.

I should also add that I prepared for the event by fasting. NO FOOD before the free beer. I wanted to get the full effect of the beer. The taste test was at 8 PM, so you could say I had an empty stomach.

After the initial questions I was given a somewhat stale cracker and a little water. And of course a whole pint of cold mystery beer. Then I had to drink it and answer more questions.

So I hold it up to the light. I notice the color is a sickly yellow. So it is a lite beer. OK fine - no big deal. Most beer consumed in America is lite.

It has a lite beer kind of smell. Which was exactly what I expected based on the color.

Now whatever the hell this stuff was, it was supposed to have some sort of "spice" to it. I know this because one of the questions was something like "how cabo-style is the beer". Cabo style? What the hell is that? Caribbean style. Thats that it means.

The stuff will be marketed as a "Caribbean flavor beer" or whatever. That is if it makes it to the market. See I was one of the people taking part in the study to determine if there is a market for it.

I do not know who makes it. I SUSPECT it is Corona - but this is just a guess. I have no evidence to support this view.

Anyhow I had to evaluate the beer while I was drinking it. How smooth was it. Very smooth. In fact, it was like water with a very slight beer sort of flavor. Can't get much smoother. How bold was it? Not bold at all. Bold is the opposite of smooth. How "drinkable" was it? Fairly drinkable, because it was like water that gets you drunk. Would I consider it a "premium" beer? Hell no. I would consider it another light beer in an already crowded light beer market.

OH YEA! I almost forgot. The pre-beer questions. One question was "how likely are you to buy a micro-brew just to try it"? Very likely. Thats how. In fact - I am ALWAYS looking for micro beers to try. Another question was "how much do you like beer commercials"? Really? How much do I like beer commercials? How about not at all. ZERO! And then "how likely are you to drink a beer because of a celebrity endorsement"? Are they serious? NOT AT ALL! I wrote that a celebrity endorsement for anything makes me LESS LIKELY to try it.

Anyhow after the first beer I was taken to the "chill out room" where I was given two more pints.

After that, I was on beer factor three with no food. I was feeling a little better. I was thinking "this crap is not so bad". And really it was not so bad. I mean it was a lite beer but it did have some taste to it.

I was then taken back to the question room where I had to answer the same questions I was asked while sampling the first pint. So this gave them pre drinking data and post drinking data - to see how opinions may have changed. I pretty much answered them the same except for one question. "How much would you drink on a typical beer drinking session". The first answer was "2 - 3", which to me means 2. Well I had to change that to 6 or more.

You see, this stuff is a lite beer. I can see this as a good binge beer. You do not want to binge on heavier beer. So I was thinking, say I am out at the beach or on the boat and it is summer and hot as hell. Do I really want a thick heavy beer? Oh hell no! I want something lighter and refreshing and stuff. So in this case, I may very well consume a bunch of the mystery beer.

I even indicated on the "when would you want to drink this beer" questions that it would be a good beach and boat beer. Yes, boat beer WAS an option. But would it be a good house party beer? Not for me. I would get better beer and drink less of it.

I have a mystery envelope that was given to me when the survey was over. I may get called back tomorrow. Maybe. If I am called, I get another $15. If I am not called then I am not called. The envelope is sealed with a sticker that says "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CALLBACK". So I will not open it.

I am also going to register with this outfit to take part in future studies. Apparently, I missed a GREAT one. They had an amphibious car that they were allowing people to test drive. Both on land AND in the water! Holy shit! I am bummed I missed that one. I would have got $100 for driving a jet boat / car thing. I want in on the next thing like that!

Market Research

OK see if you can help me figure this one out.

I decided to catch some news to see what the hell is going on. This should not be too hard, right? I start my quest with the DirecTV remote control. I go to channel 202 which is CNN. Not the best place for news, but it works in a pinch.

But that lizard Larry King is on, talking about the WWE or some other fake wrestling thing. Must be out of topics huh Larry??? Fake wrestling? Is that the best you can do?

Not to be thwarted, I press the guide button and then press "360" which is Fox "News" (Larry King is now in a small screen box and the channel guide is displayed). So I see that on Fox is a program called "Red Eye". The description (provided by the network I presume) says "discussing the day's hottest topics. News. Series". Got that? NEWS.

So I think "well screw it, news is news" and press select. And what do I get?

A LAME ASS COMEDY SHOW! The lame Fox attempt at The Daily Show. They call this "news"?

Now how can this be? I mean at least The Daily Show DOES contain some actual news - which is sad because it is on Comedy Central. But now I go to a "news" channel and get a horrible not even funny attempt at comedy? What the hell? And what are they joking about? Some TV show about a hot chick who becomes a high school guidance counselor. The only news there is that the chick is in fact hot.

All I want is news, and all I can get is some old fart talking to a fake wrestler about fake wrestling and a lame ass not even funny "comedy" show.

I concluded I did not really need to know what is going on and just put the TV on Cartoon Network. It really is the only thing worth watching anymore - save for the occasional PBS program and cool shit on The Science Channel or whatever.

And now for part two of todays post!

You know those marketing research calls you get? Could be anything. Maybe it is someone conducting an opinion poll. Maybe it is someone calling to ask about what products you like. Maybe you recently visited some business and now some asshole is calling you to ask you about your experience there.

I always say the same thing before they ask the first question. Are you going to pay me? I do not care if you are conducting an opinion poll - if you want MY opinion then PAY ME!

Once a marketer asked me why I should be paid for a phone poll. So I replied that whoever is conducting the poll is selling the results. I mean when there is a Zogby poll stating that 80% of Americans think that smoking pot is fun Zogby does not release that poll for free now do they? Of course not. Someone has to pay for it. And someone is making money off it.

So why the hell should I give them my highly valuable 100% correct opinion for free? In fact, they do not even need to conduct the poll. Just call me, pay me, and I will tell them the correct answer.

And this folks is why polls are bullshit. They assume that everyone has an equal chance of getting selected. Except everyone does NOT have an equal chance of being selected. I have a 0% chance of being selected, unless I will get paid. So right there your "random sample" is not so random now is it?

Random sampling works GREAT on things like steel bars, strands of rope, and shit like that. But for things like opinion polls "random" sampling methods suddenly fail.

But one of my friends hooked me up with a marketing research outfit. And they ARE going to pay me for my highly valuable opinion. Only $60. For one hour of my time. Not too bad. I think that I am worth more. In fact, the marketing research firm did not need to have anyone else but me. They could have given me all the money they wasted getting opinions from other idiots. But whatever. So what the hell. I get a free $60 cash for doing what amounts to nothing, and doing nothing (or as little as possible) is what I am best at.

Nobody ever accused marketing majors of knowing anything. This is why they were marketing majors. No math involved for that major! Other than basic statistics anyway. OHHHH calculate the Z score! Big time math there - seeing as how the Z score is given to you on a chart. Just look it up. And I got college credit for that shit??? For reading a chart? Really??

Anyhow this seems to be some sort of beer market research. Beer??? I think I know a little about that. Not too much mind you. I mean I only made the shit from raw ingredients. And it is not like I am not always looking for new and exotic beers to consume. And it is not like I can't tell a fine pale ale from a pilsner from a wheat beer from swill disguised as "beer". Oh no. I am a beer retard only worth the same $60 as everyone else.

So I get to drink samples of beer, and then disparage it for the shit it is. Then I get paid. And then I get free food. And then someone has to drive me home because the marketing people are afraid I may get drunk. God help them if I do get drunk. No telling what I might say.

But chances are very good there will be much disparaging of the beer. You see, part 1 of the market research was someone asking me a bunch of questions over the phone. They would name a beer brand and I would have to indicate how often I drink it.

Now I have taken some marketing classes as part of my FINANCE major (requires actual math). So I know that the brands mentioned will probably indicate what I will get paid to drink and give an opinion on. And what were those brands?

Miller. Miller Lite. Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra?!?!?! You mean WATER?!?!?! Seriously? Did they mention Sam Adams? Nope. How about Sierra Nevada? Nope. Anything I usually like to drink? NO! Not a one.

They did mention two or three of what I call "desperation beer". In other words if I really want a beer and all I can get is Heineken then Ill take it. But if I have a choice in a desperation beer and Sam Adams - Sam wins.

I almost messed up the getting paid thing by indicating I NEVER drink Corona or even worse Corona Lite. See the market study seems to be paid for by Corona. So I changed my answer to "once or twice a month". A boldface lie. But I have no problems lying to market research people. In fact, it is FUN to lie to these people. This way funny products make it to the market. Sure! I love this fish flavored breakfast flakes! Why it is GRRRRRREAT! I would buy boxes of this stuff and eat it not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well!!!

Really - if you are so dumb that you do not know your own product SUCKS - then in my opinion you DESERVE to loose a bunch of money. The more the better. So I may keep this in mind and indicate I like the shittiest beers the best.

I will get paid the same amount if I tell the truth or lie. So I might as well have some fun.

Ill have a beer market research update tomorrow. I wonder if they will get pissed if I bring some beer on my own that they can include in the study??? You know, hand the people a bottle of Sierra Nevada and say "tell the Corona people that THIS is beer - the shit they are selling just sucks. Now give me that $60".

Marketing Ideas Gone Wrong

Time for a UPS update!

The driver dude came by, and I just happened to have made arrangements to be here. It is the same driver that always covers this area. And you know what? It seems he is always going to the same places. Not everyday. But some houses get more stuff than others, and the driver remembers those locations. The guy left the item by the door and I guess it just walked off.

So I was given this thing to sign. But you know what? I forgot to read it. There was not much written on it. I think I did read it (I usually read shit before I sign it) but I can not remember what it said. So I will just assume it said "I did not get my shit and so I am making a claim against someone (UPS or the insurance company UPS uses) so that I get the shit I ordered".

If not - there will be a charge back on the credit card. But I really do not want to do that. I really want my LED navigation side lights. I also do not think that the boat stuff place should eat the loss here. They did not do anything wrong. Of course neither did UPS. Some asswipe seems to have walked off with my shit. I hope terrorists packed Ebola in with the navigation lights - and that everyone in the extended and immediate family of the thief was infected.

Anyhow, feeling despondent over the lack of cool LED navigation side lights I decided that what I needed to do was get more crap. And then I remembered that I had a $10 gift card for Boater's World I got from the Miami Boat Show for signing up for one year unlimited towing insurance with Sea Tow. Well why not use that $10 card now?

As you can guess, I got the thing you see to the left. The bag, not the horse collar type II life jackets. The bag holds 6 of those style life jackets. Well I do not have those type II life jackets. I have type III life jackets. Type III life jackets are more comfortable to wear, but may not turn the wearer face up. I may get some type II life jackets, but not right now. So instead of having room for 6 life jackets in the bag I can only stuff four of my type III jackets in the thing. So counting the inflatable life jacket I got for myself I can carry enough life jackets for 5 people on board. But I have to be wearing the inflatable life jacket for it to count during an inspection.

So what is the beg deal? Why the life jacket bag? Well look at the picture again. See how it fits under the top? Out of the way, yet readily accessible. The perfect place for life jackets. Also there is some bungee cord on the bottom of the bag which I can keep my type V throwable device. Out of the way, yet plainly visible and accessible.

Thus freeing up storage somewhere else. Like in the center console, or the bow dry storage place.

There is one problem with the thing however. A MAJOR marketing issue.

It is called the "T-Bag". Really. T-Bag. It even says "T-Bag" on t he front of it. In big white letters. The bag itself is black.

So why if this a marketing problem? Well for those of you who are not already laughing let me break it down.

"Teabagging" was largely unknown, until the John Waters film "Pecker". No, it is not what you think. "Pecker" is the name of the main character who is an amateur photographer. It was a funny movie. At least I think I remember it as being funny. John Waters movies are sort of out there.

Anyhow in one scene there is a male exotic dancer named "Earl Grey". While dancing around in briefs (it is his job after all) he goes up to a customer, and places his nut sack on the customer's face. Over and over. Kind of like how people dunk tea bags into hot water. The bartender then says "hey - don't teabag the customers".

Thus was born the act of teabagging. It is not really known if teabaging was invented by the movie or not.

The marketing people for the company that makes the T-Bag must not watch John Waters movies.

Mysteries Of Marketing

I had to take some marketing classes on the college level. I did well, the classes were really easy. I would spend most of my time in the classes checking out chicks. The rest of the time was spent sleeping or thinking "this is all bullshit".

Now I know that somewhere on the internet there is a marketing major reading this and saying "you are wrong! Marketing is not bullshit!".

Well I say it is bullshit. All of it. And here is my evidence to prove my case. You are free to present whatever evidence you may have to refute my claim.

What the hell does a puppy have to do with wiping your ass? You tell me. Well go on! I am waiting! What is this ad trying to tell me? Cottonelle toilet paper is strong enough to support a lab puppy? I had one of those once and they are not little. Do you want to wipe your ass with what amounts to laminated wood paneling, or maybe fiber reinforced sand paper? Or that rip proof stuff used for mailing envelopes?

My case is made. Marketing is stupid. It is all bullshit. Puppies have nothing at all to do with ass wiping. Neither do bears.

Except for my bear joke!

A rabbit and a bear are in the woods. The rabbit sees a bear take a massive shit. The rabbit of course takes a lot of little shits. So the rabbit asks the bear "Mr. Bear, how do keep your shit from sticking to your fur"? The bear says "Good question" - then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

But really, how would one advertise toilet paper? You do not want to see someone using it for its intended purpose on TV. Well maybe you do - but if this is the case you are a disgusting sick pervert. We ALL know what it is used for. So the marketing people think "hey I know! Puppies! We will use puppies to sell this ass wiping product!"

And I guess it works. Someone is buying enough Cottonelle toilet paper to pay for all those commercials.

Music For All Occasions.

There is new Iguana Music. I put it up for one regular reader who may have to lynch a former landlord if the landlord tries to bogart the security deposit. Because we can. You know we can. Let's lynch the landlord man!

Except in this case it is a landlord lady. But whatever. Maybe "Bitch Better Have My Money" by Easy E, AMG, and DJ Quick would have been better. But that song is not really about landlord issues.

I have Iguana Music for almost any occasion. Really. I have downloaded / ripped a bunch of crap. Really. And if I do not have it, I can probably find it.

Now maybe someone will share the secret to keeping stainless steel all nice and pretty. I have been using fresh water. There is also metal polish and even wax. But so far I have found that what is better than all that crap is to wash the stainless steel down with fresh water every time it is exposed to salt water.

And do not buy that polished stainless steel shit. Because then you have to keep it polished. And that is a pain in the ass if you have a lot of it. My boat does not have a lot of stainless steel. but it is there. The propeller, the bow rails, the grab rails on the center console and helm wind screen, the handles by the swim platform ladder, and the swim ladder. It sounds like a lot, but it really is not. However I am lazy and do not enjoy polishing metal very much.

So I prefer the matte finish. The metal is not as shiny. So this means my lazy ass can get away with not messing with it very much.

The new BBQ grill however is VERY shiny. Some asshole decided to design it that way. Probably someone in marketing. Some asshole in marketing TOO STUPID to realize that water spots and salt deposits show up better on shiny surfaces. Oh yea and then there is the heat problem. Metal with a highly polished finish gets dull when you get it hot. And BBQ grills, by default, tend to get a little hot. Here is how this decision was probably reached.

ENGINEER: Look at this great new product I just designed.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Ohh that is neat! We will sell a bunch of them! By the way, what is it and what do you use it for?
ENGINEER: It is a BBQ grill. For boats. You use it to grill stuff. On your boat.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Very cool. But you need to make it shiny. People like shiny things. We will sell more of them if it is shiny. Marketing research proves this.
ENGINEER: But making it shiny cause other problems. It will get dull as soon as you use it and water spots will show on it. Customers will have to keep polishing it all the time.
MANAGER: So what? Once they buy it I do not give a crap what they do or don't do with it. And marketing is right! People like shiny things. I like shiny things.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Yes. Shiny....shiny....shiny.....
ENGINEER: I am leaving early. Is that OK?
MANAGER: shiny....shiny....shiny.....
ENGINEER: Ill take that as a yes.

What do you want to bet it went down just like that?

So yea, I need the secret of keeping stainless steel all nice and whatever. And no smart ass answers like "don't touch it" or "don't use it" or "don't get it near saltwater".

I need to take a picture of the grill. It is pimp-tastic. While it is still all nice and shiny because it has never been used or taken near saltwater. Which may happen Friday.

I wonder if I have any Iguana Music relating to this?