Market Research

OK see if you can help me figure this one out.

I decided to catch some news to see what the hell is going on. This should not be too hard, right? I start my quest with the DirecTV remote control. I go to channel 202 which is CNN. Not the best place for news, but it works in a pinch.

But that lizard Larry King is on, talking about the WWE or some other fake wrestling thing. Must be out of topics huh Larry??? Fake wrestling? Is that the best you can do?

Not to be thwarted, I press the guide button and then press "360" which is Fox "News" (Larry King is now in a small screen box and the channel guide is displayed). So I see that on Fox is a program called "Red Eye". The description (provided by the network I presume) says "discussing the day's hottest topics. News. Series". Got that? NEWS.

So I think "well screw it, news is news" and press select. And what do I get?

A LAME ASS COMEDY SHOW! The lame Fox attempt at The Daily Show. They call this "news"?

Now how can this be? I mean at least The Daily Show DOES contain some actual news - which is sad because it is on Comedy Central. But now I go to a "news" channel and get a horrible not even funny attempt at comedy? What the hell? And what are they joking about? Some TV show about a hot chick who becomes a high school guidance counselor. The only news there is that the chick is in fact hot.

All I want is news, and all I can get is some old fart talking to a fake wrestler about fake wrestling and a lame ass not even funny "comedy" show.

I concluded I did not really need to know what is going on and just put the TV on Cartoon Network. It really is the only thing worth watching anymore - save for the occasional PBS program and cool shit on The Science Channel or whatever.

And now for part two of todays post!

You know those marketing research calls you get? Could be anything. Maybe it is someone conducting an opinion poll. Maybe it is someone calling to ask about what products you like. Maybe you recently visited some business and now some asshole is calling you to ask you about your experience there.

I always say the same thing before they ask the first question. Are you going to pay me? I do not care if you are conducting an opinion poll - if you want MY opinion then PAY ME!

Once a marketer asked me why I should be paid for a phone poll. So I replied that whoever is conducting the poll is selling the results. I mean when there is a Zogby poll stating that 80% of Americans think that smoking pot is fun Zogby does not release that poll for free now do they? Of course not. Someone has to pay for it. And someone is making money off it.

So why the hell should I give them my highly valuable 100% correct opinion for free? In fact, they do not even need to conduct the poll. Just call me, pay me, and I will tell them the correct answer.

And this folks is why polls are bullshit. They assume that everyone has an equal chance of getting selected. Except everyone does NOT have an equal chance of being selected. I have a 0% chance of being selected, unless I will get paid. So right there your "random sample" is not so random now is it?

Random sampling works GREAT on things like steel bars, strands of rope, and shit like that. But for things like opinion polls "random" sampling methods suddenly fail.

But one of my friends hooked me up with a marketing research outfit. And they ARE going to pay me for my highly valuable opinion. Only $60. For one hour of my time. Not too bad. I think that I am worth more. In fact, the marketing research firm did not need to have anyone else but me. They could have given me all the money they wasted getting opinions from other idiots. But whatever. So what the hell. I get a free $60 cash for doing what amounts to nothing, and doing nothing (or as little as possible) is what I am best at.

Nobody ever accused marketing majors of knowing anything. This is why they were marketing majors. No math involved for that major! Other than basic statistics anyway. OHHHH calculate the Z score! Big time math there - seeing as how the Z score is given to you on a chart. Just look it up. And I got college credit for that shit??? For reading a chart? Really??

Anyhow this seems to be some sort of beer market research. Beer??? I think I know a little about that. Not too much mind you. I mean I only made the shit from raw ingredients. And it is not like I am not always looking for new and exotic beers to consume. And it is not like I can't tell a fine pale ale from a pilsner from a wheat beer from swill disguised as "beer". Oh no. I am a beer retard only worth the same $60 as everyone else.

So I get to drink samples of beer, and then disparage it for the shit it is. Then I get paid. And then I get free food. And then someone has to drive me home because the marketing people are afraid I may get drunk. God help them if I do get drunk. No telling what I might say.

But chances are very good there will be much disparaging of the beer. You see, part 1 of the market research was someone asking me a bunch of questions over the phone. They would name a beer brand and I would have to indicate how often I drink it.

Now I have taken some marketing classes as part of my FINANCE major (requires actual math). So I know that the brands mentioned will probably indicate what I will get paid to drink and give an opinion on. And what were those brands?

Miller. Miller Lite. Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra?!?!?! You mean WATER?!?!?! Seriously? Did they mention Sam Adams? Nope. How about Sierra Nevada? Nope. Anything I usually like to drink? NO! Not a one.

They did mention two or three of what I call "desperation beer". In other words if I really want a beer and all I can get is Heineken then Ill take it. But if I have a choice in a desperation beer and Sam Adams - Sam wins.

I almost messed up the getting paid thing by indicating I NEVER drink Corona or even worse Corona Lite. See the market study seems to be paid for by Corona. So I changed my answer to "once or twice a month". A boldface lie. But I have no problems lying to market research people. In fact, it is FUN to lie to these people. This way funny products make it to the market. Sure! I love this fish flavored breakfast flakes! Why it is GRRRRRREAT! I would buy boxes of this stuff and eat it not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well!!!

Really - if you are so dumb that you do not know your own product SUCKS - then in my opinion you DESERVE to loose a bunch of money. The more the better. So I may keep this in mind and indicate I like the shittiest beers the best.

I will get paid the same amount if I tell the truth or lie. So I might as well have some fun.

Ill have a beer market research update tomorrow. I wonder if they will get pissed if I bring some beer on my own that they can include in the study??? You know, hand the people a bottle of Sierra Nevada and say "tell the Corona people that THIS is beer - the shit they are selling just sucks. Now give me that $60".

Not Real News

As you may know I have tirade-ed about how the so called "major" news networks do not report on real news. They either make shit up (Fox), or report non-news items like they are matters of high national importance (all the rest). Oh yea they ALL like to waste countless hours speculating. I guess this counts as "making shit up" because really the speculators are just pulling stuff out of their ass. The tactic most used is to get as many speculators pulling shit out of their ass as you can, then when ONE turns out to be right repay the clip over and over while saying "SEE!?!?! You heard this here first!". The other 50 who were wrong? We are supposed to forget about them.

And yes, I know I made up the word "tirade-ed". But what the hell! Thanks to our President, it is now acceptable to make up words and pass them off as real. This will be the ONE good thing accomplished by him in history books.

Just like we are supposed to forget about Pat Robertson and his super mega shake that allowed him to leg press 2,000 pounds. Remember that shameless attempt to sell a magical protein shake? It must be magical, because the FSU football player record for a leg press is a scant 1,335 pounds. The machine used had to be modified to hold the weight, and the dude burst the capillaries in his eyes.

But just as we are supposed to forget the laughable claims by old men pushing magical milkshakes, we are supposed to forget about the wild speculation presented to us as "news" that turns out to be wrong.

But wild speculation is not all the non-news reported on NATIONAL networks, and fed to the public as matters of dire importance.

Case and point - the "news" yesterday. It seems that a few homes owned by rich people burned down. Some of these multi-million homes were unoccupied, because the owners were off in their second, third, or even fourth multi-million dollar home somewhere else. One such unoccupied home happened to belong to some "famous" person. This story of great national importance was on every cable news channel is HEAVY ROTATION - complete with the usual gaggle of speculators guessing if the fire was set intentionally or sparked by some natural process. And if it WAS arson how did they start the fire? A match? A lighter? Did they use gasoline? And so on.

It all sucked up hours of national news air time.

Aww you are TERRIBLE! How could you be happy someone's home was burned down?

I am not "happy" about the homes burning down. All I am saying is that this is NOT NATIONAL NEWS! Just because ONE of Suzanne Summer's many multi-million dollar homes burns down it is NATIONAL news? Come on!

If it were MY home that burned down would that be national news? Or if it were your home, would it be national news? Where would the speculators be? How about if your entire block burned down. Would THAT be national news? What if no rich or famous people lived on your block - would it be national news then? Would it get HOURS of air time, or just a 30 second blurb repeated every hour or so?

No. It would not. Would CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and whoever else ask you if you plan to rebuild? Hell no. You and I are just the little people who do not matter. But when a few homes burn down, one of which belongs to a "famous" person the news vans will be as thick as flies on shit.

This is what I mean when I say that you will not see much of any news by watching the news.