Back To Normal. Whatever Normal Is.

The County physical was today. My appointment was for 10:30 AM to 1:30 PM. Yea right I thought, no way in hell I will be out of there at 1:30.

I was right. I was out of there at 1:45. The HR person told me that the whole process would take 4 hours, and it did. Right on the money. Well, 15 minutes off the money but that is close enough to count. Amazing huh? I thought it was.

Now being a single dude, and having nobody to nag about going to the doctor, I never go. I see my eye doctor when I need new contact lenses, but that is about it. As part of the "lets see you tamper with your pee test after we make you do this" process, I had to remove all my clothes and don a fashionable hospital gown, complete with paper shoes. No big deal right? Well not exactly.

I never had to deal with the hospital gown before. But how hard is to put one on? Really. I have a college degree and stuff. There are no directions, but only a mental person would need one. Any higher ape should be able to figure it out.

So I see three holes. Hey! I see how this works. I have two arms and a head! So I put my head through the largest hole, and my arms through the other two holes. I had a very large bib at this point. My front was taken care of, but my bare ass was just there. In all of its glory. This can not be right! Can it? Am I supposed to walk out with my ass in full view? After all, we are all adults and this was in a hospital. Bare asses are exposed in hospitals all the time.

So I peek out of the stall. The other guy is already out of his stall, and his ass is covered. How did he manage that? It seems his gown wraps around his body! Now I see how this works! Nobody sees me peek so I go back to work. I take one of my arms out of one hole, bring the gown under an arm pit, wrap it around, and stick my other arm through the hole. It fits, my ass is covered, but now the gown is not comfortable at all.

Now at this point the nurse decides that something is wrong. So she asks if there is any problem. I say "sort of" - because the bare ass problem was solved but the new problem was I had a toga, and I was supposed to have a gown. So they walk in to see the problem.

Here is how you are supposed to put on a hospital gown. First, notice the three holes. ALL THREE are for your arms. At no point do you attempt to stick your head through anything. Got it? Nothing goes over your head. One arm goes through more than one hole. ONE ARM. Not both.

1. Put one arm through a hole that looks like the sleeve area of a tank top.
2. Your OTHER arm goes through the hole you could stick your head through. It looks like a hole you would find in a turtle neck sweater. Your front area should now be covered.
3. Continue to wrap the gown around your body, covering up your bare ass. Nobody wants to see that, unless your ass is considered hot - in which case you probably want to cover it anyway because everyone has a cell phone camera and you might not want to end up on the internet.
4. Stick your first arm through the third hole, securing the gown totally around your body.

You should now be wearing a fashionable garmet, which covers all your naughty parts. And do not forget those cool blue hospital booties. They compete the look.

After all this, I was allowed to wizz in the plastic cup. They asked for 60 mL, I gave them 75mL (the cup was graduated, so I could tell how much was in there). Then I had to stop the stream, put the cup down, and put the rest of the reserve pee in the toilet.

The rest of the exam was not that eventful . The vision test was just like a drivers license vision test, and they did not draw blood (sorry Dracula!).

However, I have a feeling that I will have to go back. The form said something about a hearing test which I did not get. Also, the PPD skin test (looks for TB and stuff) was not done. But if I do have to go back, it is not the county's mistake.

And if I do have to go back, I will know how the gown thing works.