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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Animals Gone Wild

Time for another installment of "Animals Gone Wild!" In this installment we will investigate the previously unknown "Moose Against Technology" faction, why squirrels can party extra hard, rats out of control, and terrible wastes of money.

First up - "Charging Moose Brings Down Hovering Helicopter". Apparently some asshole biologist in a helicopter decided it would be a good idea to harass innocent moose in a place where moose outnumber humans 2 to 1. So the moose was just hanging out, doing moose stuff, when suddenly this noisy chopper swoops out of the sky and some jerk shoots it in the ass with a tranquilizer dart. Well the moose was having none of that. The moose had to wake up early and go to work, and we all know how much noise a low flying chopper makes. How many times has a police chopper waken YOU up? Were you ever happy about it? Of course not.

So the moose charged the chopper and hit it in the tail rotor. The rotor was taken out, and the pilot had to land the bird and cut off the engines. Ahh, peace and quiet! The moose's plan worked out great.

Except for one thing. The tail rotor blades are metal and spinning REALLY fast. So the moose got chopped up pretty bad. Hey - it is called a CHOPPER. But the moose did not know that. Moose can not read because of a terrible moose public education system. So the moose died.

Next up - "Squirrel Birth Control Aims To Curb Breeding Frenzy". Yes, it seems that the squirrels in Santa Monica California parks have discovered that hot squirrel on squirrel sex is a good way to pass the day. They have nothing else to do really. Thanks to people all their natural predators are not there anymore. Ceiling fans and plate glass windows have done a number of the birds of prey, and the mountain lions have been chased away by cars and random gun shots. Food is not a problem, thanks to all the people who like to feed the cute tree rats. So what else is left to do?

Anyway it seems the city has tried everything. The squirrel abstinence program was a horrible failure. It seems that squirrels have no concept of morality. So they tried to give away free squirrel condoms. But that did not work either, as squirrels did not want to use them. Squirrel genocide was not a good option, because it got all the hippies upset and the squirrels just formed an underground and started to commit acts of sabotage.

So now the city will try a birth control injection that works in male and female squirrels. This means they can party 24/7 and not have to worry about who the squirrel baby daddy be.

The question is why the city is so concerned here. Are they expecting some kind of militant squirrel uprising?

Next up - "Rats chew nose off baby sleeping in crib". Now this one is sad. A baby had its nose and lip gnawed on by a rat. A big nasty rat. According to the urban rat control expert, up to 10,000 people a year in the USA are bitten by rats. Most are the very old and the very young. Inner city / urban areas are more likely to have heavy rat infestation due to things like garbage, abandoned buildings, and population density, slumlords who do not maintain their buildings, and so on. The baby was not living in a dirty house - state officials said the place was very clean.

Anyhow, all sorts of methods were suggested to get rid of rats. Like rat proof garbage cans. But I have another idea.

Cats. If you are worried that you might get bitten by a rat in your home, get a cat. I have 4 cats and have never had a rat bite me. I think there may be a connection there.

And finally - "Kayne West gets $3,900 meal (chef travel extra)". This gets filed under "people with too much money". It seems that a record company is paying an assload of money to fly dinner for 8 people from London to New York. The place the food is from is called "Raj's" and is located in Whles. The food is to be prepared in the restaurants kitchen, shrink wrapped, packed in dry ice, flown by helicopter to LHR airport, then flown to New York. The head chef will travel with the food, monitoring the temperature along the way. The cost of the meal if you are at Raj's is about $17.50 per person. But the record company will have to pay for the food, the shipping, the chef's airfare and hotel in New York, and of course the take the place would have made in the two days it will have to be closed because the chef is gone.

Meanwhile, illegal MP3 downloads are supposed to be putting record companies out of business. YEA RIGHT! When rappers can get record companies to fly in dinner from across the Atlantic Ocean I do not want to hear any bullshit about how much music downloads are costing the industry.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

The average lifespan of a squirrel in my lawn is about three months. That is when they move to the street and lay down in a very flattened position and go to sleep. I always hope they got plenty of hot squirrel sex in before their three months were up.

08:44  
Blogger actonbell said...

LOL, ed.
THese are very interesting stories, LI. I'm really sorry about that baby--geez. btw, my cat would be afraid of a rat--I'd need more than one cat, I think.
And the moose story is stupid and sad, too. Those "biologists" should have had a better understanding of moose behavior, you'd think.

17:16  
Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

I can't stand the sound of choppers. I'm with the moose.

Never put poison in your attic to kill a rat, that was the nastiest smell and it lasted for 3 weeks.

20:35  
Blogger Badoozie said...

the squirrel birth control is an Abomination at work with our tax dollars. you hit the nail on the head, tree RATS. they're freakin rodents!! KILL THE LITTLE BASTARDS

23:39  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - squirrels are the hardest critters to run over. They are worth no less than 500 points. Old ladies crossing the street are worth only .01 points.

Actionbell - my cats never had to hunt, so they do not know how. They could probably kill a mouse, but a New York City rat could probably go toe to toe with them. But I think that cats are like nukes to rats - just having them makes the rats go invade another cat free home.

Caiman - I agree! I hate it when I am sleeping and then suddenly there is a low flying chopper buzzing my hood. Mayne I need a pet moose.

Badoozie - you can not go around shotting tree rats in a park. You might miss and hit a real rat. Or a fat guy.

23:57  
Blogger Fuzz said...

Had a rat in the house one time. Couldn't trap it. Even took a shot at it with a revolver, didn't miss by much but a miss is still a miss. Finally poisoned it. That was an unpleasant affair.

21:42  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I feel sorry for the moose and the baby. I think Kanye West is an idiot, as do I think anyone who would spend that kind of exhorbitant money on one meal is. Even if I were to get that rich, the top I'd spend for a plate of even really good food is about $30. After all, no matter how good it is or how much you paid for it, it all gets turned into the same thing. And I'll be damned if I'm going to take a $4000 crap just to prove how rich I am!

04:43  
Blogger UNO said...

Yeah and look what all that money is doing to sweet angels like britny speers.

18:32  

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