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Thursday, March 01, 2007

Feeling Stupid Today

I am feeling slightly stupid today. And here is a chart I made stole from the internet to demonstrate my point.

As you can see, the graph drops sharply towards the dumb axis at some point. I can not tell where, because the brain does not seem to be 100% functional today.

But all is not lost! You see, I secretly want to be like that Ron Popeil guy. You know, Ronco? Inventor of such wonderful products as the "inside the egg shell egg scrambler", "spray paint for your bald spot", the "dial-o-matic" food slicer, the "don't cut the shit out of yourself" bagel slicer, and other wonderful products that nobody can live without. All for only $19.99 - or in some cases 4 easy payments of $39.99 for things like the Showtime "set it and forget it" oven. Yes, Mr. Popeil is a super evil genius. And very rich too.

So I am thinking - hell I can do this! Just invent some crappy product and hawk it on late night TV! Make some 30 minute infomercial thing and start to rake in the jack! So here are some ideas that I may or may not have stolen from somewhere else.

The LazyCo Cat Carrier! Tired of those big bulky plastic box cage things? I know I am! Where do you store it? What if you live in an apartment and do not have a garage or shed in the backyard to throw all your junk in? And have you ever wanted to keep a cat carrier in your car, neatly stowed under your seat? Well then you need the LazyCo patented Tabby Tote!

It could not be easier to use! Just put the cat's head in the protective muzzle, and give the patented kitty comfort screw a few turns! That is it! Cats love the open air feeling they get from the Tabby Tote, and owners love how little space it takes up! Keep one in your car, one in the office, one at home, and even pack one in your luggage when you travel! Anytime you need a cat carrier, you will have one! Order now and you get not only ONE Tabby Tote for $29.99, you will get TWO! Just pay the additional shipping and handling charge.

No? Not for you? Well then I KNOW you will love this! Tired of that rug rat infant who just makes a mess? Ever wish you could put the kid to work so they learn early the value of a dollar? Want to instill a powerful work ethic into your kids? OF COURSE YOU DO! Everyone does! Why, what parent does NOT want to give their kids any advantage they can in this dog eat dog rat race world we live in? A BAD parent - that is who! And you do not want to be a bad parent, do you?

Well then you need the LazyCo patented BABY MOP!

Yes parents, with the Baby Mop you can put your kid to good use as soon as it can crawl! Your friends will be amazed at how clean your floor is! With the Baby Mop, your infant is a broom, a mop, or even a floor buffer! Need some sweeping? Then leave the Baby Mop dry! Whats that? You need to mop!?! OH NO! Forget the messy bucket of water that can spill, just soak the Baby Mop in your favorite floor cleaning solution and put it on your kid! That floor will be spotless in no time! Need to wax that hardwood floor, but Oprah is on and you do not want to miss her book club segment? You guessed it! Apply the floor wax to the Baby Mop then kick back for a well deserved rest! Let the kid do all the work for a change! Order now and Ill even throw in an EXTRA Baby Mop for no additional charge! Call in the next 20 minutes and I will even throw in a FREE Baby Mop pole, in case the infant is a slacker and falls asleep half way through the job. All for the incredibly low price of $19.99!

And just in case animal cruelty and child labor does not get me in enough trouble, there is always the LazyCo Computer For Chicks!

Hey guys, tired of your woman wasting all that time playing games on Yahoo? Well then you need the LazyCo Computer For Women! It is very simple to use, and guaranteed to provide hours of fun!

NOTE - LazyCo in no way shall be held legally responsible for any problems the Computer For Women may cause. Please do not bother calling LazyCo Customer Support for issues such as "I have to sleep on the couch for the next 10 years" or "now I have to use my right hand" or "the mousepad was crammed up my ass when I was sleeping" or even "my woman right clicked the mouse to the high setting and then mashed it down on my genitals". Customer Support can not resolve these issues as they are the result of improper use. All legal claims relating to improper use shall be litigated in Saudi Arabia.



Blogger Matt said...

I detest cruelty to animals but there's always going to be something inherently humorous about the sound a cat makes when you step on its tail.

It's like the word Uranus.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Well depending on which of my cats you step on, you may get attacked.

Fred goes right for the Achilles Tendon. Sake just latches on your leg at a random location. Gigi and Cleo yell and run off.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

If my Computer for Chicks does not get me hate mail - NOTHING will!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, i wish i would have had one of those cat carriers today, as i nearly broke my assbone climbing on things to get the other one down, they trying to cram a spazzed out cat in through the door of it, all claws extended, flailing wildly and taking large chunks of my belly skin on her way. then damaging herself in her wild devilish fit inside the cage. she is possessed. i hate her. want a cat? she is scheduled for declawing. she laid into my new leather furniture, and it was that or a bullet.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ps, i'm gonna get you back for the computer thing, mark my words

Blogger Fuzz said...

Note to Bad- My daughter has a cat like that. It has been de-clawed, but still has teeth and rear claws. They are quite adequate to cause much pain.

I always wondered who was that "Popeil" guy Weird Al was singing about

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

FUZZ! YES! The Weird One did make a song about that guy! I am shocked you know. I thought I was the only one.

Badoozie - declawing a cat is mean. It would be like de-fingernailing you. It is painful for the poor kitty, and leaves it defenseless. All my cats have claws - and if they destroy something then it just means I am an idiot for buying it knowing I have cats.

Take your time getting even for my Computer for Chicks invention. I do have others you know. Bring it!

Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Well, hell, I do hafta complain about the computer for girls. But then I remembered: you're extra stupid today, so it's okay.

All in all, a very funny post. Oh, BTW, thanks for all the tips on what to do to a guy when he annoys me: "my woman right clicked the mouse to the high setting and then mashed it down on my genitals". Nice. I like that.

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

That cat carrier is very cool.

Believe me making royalties is the way to go.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you program the baby mop like a Roomba?

Blogger actonbell said...

You're working extra-hard for that hate mail, huh? Pretty good work, for feeling so stupid.

Rabbit, rabbit!

Blogger Meow said...

Ooooh, gotta get me a baby mop ... tooo cute !! Don't like the cat carrier too much, though. Or the Computer for Women ... I don't do the ironing ... my hubby does, so there !!!
Have a great weekend.
Getting much hate mail ??
Take care, Meow

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Not a single hate mail. Sad.

Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said...

Feeling any smarter today?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

A little

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

My cat hates you. But its too stupid to figure out how to use the hate mail.
My Fembot currently clicking the right button to high setting on the Female computer because I am currently too stupid to figure out how to do so. She would send you a hate mail (spelled that "male." Freudian slip or unbelievable brain numbing exhaustion, you decide!) but she claims she is illiterate. However I think she may be a liar because I have found evidence that she has been cybering with Elbot.
I am too stupid to figure out how to turn this into an HTML link so don't ask!
I am at the low point on your Stupidity Chart today.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - your cat only wants you to think it is dumb. But it is really an evil genius - always plotting all sorts of things.

Just go for a day without feeding it. You will find out. When you go to sleep......the cat will strike. And then get its food.

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