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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

How To End All The Problems In The World

I have said many times that if more people would just listen to me, there would be fewer problems in the world. A lot of times I say this and people just laugh it off as delusions of grandeur or a joke. They are all like "ha ha ha that is really funny" then they do what I just told them they should not do. And then 5 minutes later I am calling EMS because someone cut their hand off or something.

For example, here are just a few of many stories that are all 100% true.

I used to know this chick. Lets just call her "Karen" so I do not have to type "this chick" so many times. Anyhow Karen had to move into an apartment due to various problems that are not important to the story. Anyhow the apartment had an automatic dish washer. Karen decided to clean some dishes - but there was no automatic dishwasher detergent. So Karen starts to put liquid dish soap in the thing.

At this point I tell her "Karen, that is a bad idea - I would not put any of that stuff in there. Lets go to the store so you can buy the correct stuff and I can buy more beer". But no, Karen decided that just a little soap would be OK. So she put a few tablespoons of liquid soap in the machine. I grab a beer from the fridge (I had a supply there because I was helping her move out after a marriage went bad) and make my way to the couch.

It was not my place. I did not live there. And I did warn her!

So I finish the beer, and decide that what I want is another one. I do to the kitchen and......

Suds are EVERYWHERE! They are flowing out of the machine like it is a rave suds party. The shit was everywhere. So I stop the machine and say "Uhhh Karen - you need to see this". Then I decide I do not really need that second beer, it is late, I am tired, and I should go home.

Another time the house next door sold and new neighbors moved in. It was a couple with a very young child. Anyhow everything was fine will one day I hear the woman scream. I go to see what the problem is and she is all hysterical and going on about a "monster" in the backyard. She describes the "monster" and I determine it is this critter.

So I tell her that there is a whole family of possums living under this large shed in her new backyard, that they are very ugly - but very harmless. They will not hurt her little rat dog or any human - but they might eat the dog's food or rip open garbage bags not placed in a garbage can. So she says she will call "an exterminator" to get the things out of there.

At this point I say "that is a bad idea. It is July, and there are a whole family of possums living under there. Generations of possums have lived there. And mama possum is pretty big - maybe as much as 20 pounds".

But the lady is terrified of the possums (they do look ugly and nasty) and so she got someone to set out some poison. The possums ate the poison and....

Died UNDER the big ass shed. In South Florida. In July. it was a whole family of possums. At least 30 pounds (maybe more) of possums.

Needless to say, the stench was horrible. And it lasted a long time. It was THICK for the first 5 or 6 days. It stand up 4 yards - one of them being mine.

Another time I was eating some food with some friends. Someone decided they wanted ketchup, but you know how it is - the stuff would not come out of the bottle. So the dude decided to stick a straw in the bottle to equalize air pressure or whatever.

I say "that is not going to work", but nobody ever listens to me. So the guy stuck the straw in and nothing happened. So he decides he is going to blow air into the straw. I say "that is a very bad idea - you should not do that". But he does it anyway.

Half the bottle is instantly emptied onto the plate.

There are many more examples I could go into. But as you can see in each case I wrote about here a lot of problems could have been avoided if only people would listen to the words that I speak. When I say "that is a bad idea" you should not just dismiss what I say.

Because chances are, you are about to lop off a body part or something. And I will stand there and watch you do it - after warning you of course.


Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I know for a fact that the first one is true. I found out when I was probably ten years old. Fortunately there wasn't a big mess to clean up because their was a return vent to my parents heating and cooling system right underneat the door to the dishwasher.

Blogger Michael said...

Lazy, you need to forward this post to your local, state, and congressional reps. Maybe they'll listen to you!

Blogger Matt said...

So you're trying to tell us that you have common sense?

I would have been no good in 'Nam, always getting lost and stopping to ask "gooks" for directions to the battle. Can't navigate for shit.

Good thing you're around. Save the day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever had a 3-way with a tree branch and an octogenarian?

Blogger Daisy said...

Oh, the ketchup story is funny. I wish I could have seen it (so I could laugh at him). I think as long as you warn someone, you are very right to stand back and watch what happens. It is good entertainment.

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

Possums do stink. I use to raise rabbits for coats and the possums would try to eat the bunnies every night.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - they are all true. But I did warn people in advance.

Michael - those clowns do not listen to anyone. So they will never listen to me.

Matt - if I were in 'Nam I would have dressed up like a clown. Because you know the enemy was looking for army dudes. They would have ignored me.

Badoozie - no, and that sounds like a bad idea. I do not suggest you have a three way with a tree branch and anything else.

Daisy - the ketchup thing was very funny. You should have been there.

Caiman - live possums to not stink. At least I never smell them. But the dead ones - terrible. Like an attic full of dead rats in the summer.

Anonymous Cuzzin Billy-Frank said...

Ya mean that maybe putting my hand in the big ole paper cut is a bad idear? Dang, Son! After swiggin' down a big ole bottle of 'Shine, I thought it looked like a lot of fun!

Blogger Kristen said...

Fshew, none of those is anything I've ever done.

If you could combine your common sense with psychic powers, you could make money.

Blogger UNO said...

That possum situation breaks my heart bro.


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