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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Valuable Office Skills

I need to learn the ways of the Office Ninja.

This way I never have to go to the supply depot, or deal with procurement. Procurement is always such a pain in the ass. Here is a typical interaction.

Me: Hello procurement? I need another toner cartridge for my printer.

Procurement: What printer is it?

Me: It is an IBM "Dino-Lux 5000 BC"

Procurement: OK, we can have that toner to you in a week.

Me: But I need it now! Can't I just go over there and get one?

Procurement: Nope. You have to wait. You should have not waited till you totally out of toner.

Me: OK then can you send me two so that when one runs out I have another one?

Procurement: Nope. You have to run totally out of something before you can order more.

So yea, office ninja skills are useful. Need something? Just "borrow" it from someone else and keep it. It is not stealing if the office supplies never leave the office right? All I am really doing is simply moving the supplies from one area to another.

MOVIE REVIEW! The Constant Gardner. Yes, I finally watched it! In case you do not know, this is the movie that first made me seriously consider NetFlix. You see I rented it, kept it for three weeks, had to pay three weeks of late fees (the rental period was 5 days) - and still never watched it. But now I have watched it.

This is a political thriller, set in Africa. There are planes! Planes are cool. This British diplomat dude has to uncover this sinister plot. This movie keeps you on your toes. Well actually it keeps you firmly planted on your ass. You will not want to get up to miss any of it. Will the vast conspiracy be uncovered? Who was in that grassy knoll? Were the moon landings faked? I do not know, none of these conspiracies were in the movie - but the plot revolves around a conspiracy so foul, so deep, and so obvious that it is fairly believable.

If you like political thrillers and conspiracy movies, you will like The Constant Gardner. 4 Iguana Tail Whips.

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Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I doubt the Dino Lux 5000 BC could be any slower than the brand new $10,000 Ultra Copy Deluxe Mega Multi Complex Machine that takes literally 10 minutes to warm up if you aren't constantly copying with it. Granted, the Mega Multi Machine prints out photo quality lazer stuff but you'd think they'd find a way by now to make it FASTER!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

what is the maximum number of tail whips a movie can get?

That tail whip thing is sort of stimulating, and now I am distracted. Oh yes..the office ninja. I won't be spending too much time in an office, I mostly have to hang out in smelly houses, so what do you have for that?

Anonymous ubangi lipscomb said...

The Lazy,

As long as my office supplies are better than everyone elses I have no desire to steal other peoples supplies. I just that "That was easy" button.

That Constant Gardener sounds interesting. I really need to reactivate my Blockbuster card.

Are there any white people in the movie?

Blogger Daisy said...

I give The Constant Gardener 4 out of 5 claws. I see you have 21 Grams on your list - I loved that one!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - the Dino Lux 5000 BC is enormous. And it can not print on legal size paper. This is a pain in the ass because when I need to print on legal size paper I have to use another printer. And being that it was made by Moses, it does a terrible job with pictures. You can see the dots.

Ba Doozie - I think that the best a movie can do is 5 tail whips to the face. You should tell your boss to have procurement stock a bunch of that "smells like sex" cream for the smelly houses.

Ubangi - I would keep my better office supplies hidden. I had a secret stash of good stuff that I would hide behind the 6 gallon desktop aquarium. Nobody ever found them. By the way, Ubangi is somehow included in the Firefox spell check thing.

Daisy - 4 out of 5 claws huh? I tend to agree. It was a good movie. 21 Grams was also neat. I am getting ready to watch Hotel Rwanda right now.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

the sex cream is very spendy, it costs over 30 bux for a 5 oz bottle. I only buy it when It comes free in the box set. Otherwise, I think i'll use vicks under my nose, that smells like "sick"

Anonymous OfficeHookUp said...

The reason procurement does not have toner is some manager ordered 24 toners for his personal Dino lux 5 years ago and then replaced it 3 months later. There is still 23 toners in his departments supply closet because they can't send anything back. So you need to find the dude with the key to that closet and bribe him with some paper cups.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Office Hookup - I see. I understand that the severe drought has caused a severe bottled water shortage at various departments.

Maybe what the place needs is someone to manage all the trades and swaps. Division X might swap paper towels to Division Y in exchange for dry erase markers or something. Someone needs to be the middle man there.

Think about how easy it will be to swap and trade if there is one person that keeps track of who has what to trade with.


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