Movie Reviews!!

MOVIE REVIEW!! Yes, movie review. I have really been neglecting my Netflix list. But it is updated now. If I remember to do it.

For the next three selections, I have a thriller / horror theme going on. I do not expect any of these movies to be "great" or anything. They will just fill in some time. Thats all.

Anyhow - the three movies I sent in yesterday were The Golden Compass, Pink Flamingos, and Fritz The Cat. So Ill start with......

THE GOLDEN COMPASS. This movie got a lot of press for being "anti Christian". I did not see this however. It WAS very critical of the Church as an organization. But "the church" is NOT a religion. Over the years, the church (Catholic Church) has twisted and distorted the religion in order to hold onto its own power. The doctrine of papal infallibility is still on the books there. Oh really? Give a man a fancy hat and suddenly he can not make any mistakes?? What if I get a fancy hat? Will everything I say be true?

Or will I continue to be human, and make mistakes.

Anyhow - as far as a movie went it was pretty good. 4 tail whips. It was entertaining. It had a good story line. The ice bears were bad ass. It was a perfectly good fantasy adventure story. I await part 2, whenever that comes out.

PINK FLAMINGOS - This is something else. Almost an experience that defis description. It is a John Waters cult classic. BE WARNED! Not for the faint of heart. There are some pretty disgusting scenes in it. The movie was made to shock people. In the 1970s. There is nudity - male and female. Chickens are killed in a way not many chickens die in. Dog poop is eaten. Really. It is. The acting is terrible.

But it accomplishes what it set out to accomplish. You will be shocked. And probably disgusted.

This movie is beyond tail whips. So no rating for it.

FRITZ THE CAT. This one is a cartoon. With nudity. This cartoon managed to get an X rating back in 1972 or 1974 when it was released. But back then X did not mean what it means today. In the movie Fritz The Cat explores the strange decade that was the 70s. Free love, free drugs, getting harassed by the police, getting hooked up with an anarchist group that wants to blow shit up, starting a riot, you name it.

For its time Fritz The Cat was probably a decent social commentary. But it has lost its relevance over time. Three tail whips.

And there we go! Three more reviews. And I get three more movies today. When the mail arrives.

Boring Post

I got two more Netflix selections in the mail Saturday. And it seems I watched them both. Sometimes I do this. Sometimes I watch the movies as soon as I get them, and sometimes they hang out here for a while.

Case and point - Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas has been here for a few weeks now.

Anyhow I got Futurama The Movie: Bender's Big Score and The Patriot.

Bender's Big Score - if you like the Futurama series, you will probably like this movie. If you thought Futurama sucked - do not bother. As I happen to be a fan of the series I liked the movie. 4 tail whips.

And now...The Patriot. This is one of those predictable formula movies. Some guy does not want to fight, but then some shit happens, and he gets pissed off, decides to fight, and kicks ass. But does the dude get killed in the end? I do not know. The movie is still playing now. I am watching and typing at the same time.

Set in colonial times, it is a fictional account of the Revolutionary War. With Mel Gibson - only this time no blue and white face paint. I think I know which side wins the war even before the movie ends.

Three tail whips. After all, it is a formula movie. I suppose it is hard to make a war movie that is anything else. The final battle scene is starting now. I think the British end up on the short end of the stick.

And now - the climatic end! Will the hero use a flag pole to kill the main asshole, or does the hero get sliced up in a sword fight? Who knows. Either end would fit the formula.

I do not want to give away then ending. As if this is possible. The British do not win the war in the end. OOPS! Might have given the ending away.

But that is about all for today. This is the boring post. The last post was a shitty post.

I detect a pattern here. Lets hope it does not hold.

Mystery Package

So today I get up, and go outside. And on the doorstep is a mystery package. From somewhere. And inside this box is a crazy assortment of stuff.

But first - MOVIE REVIEW. Been a long time without one.

Coffee And Cigarettes - a movie about conversations held over coffee and cigarettes. The conversations are all unrelated - but some common themes keep popping up. This is an independent film from a foreign director, but the dialog is in English. Except for a few words in French for one conversation. Bill Murray and two members of the Wu Tang Clan are also in the movie.

Night On Earth - this movie is from the same guy that did Coffee And Cigarettes. It is 5 short stories which take place in different cities at the same time. The 5 cities are LA, New York, Paris, Rome, and Helsinki. All the stories take place in a taxi cab. The LA story is about a young chick cab driver who has her life all planned out. The New York story is about a cab driver from East Germany trying to assimilate to American life, and a black guy who can not get any other driver to take him to Brooklyn at night. The Paris story is about a blind chick getting a ride home, the Rome story is great - it is a taxi cab confessional. The cab driver has some sins to confess. The Helsinki story is about three guys who are drunk and call a cab. One of the three men is having a really bad day.

Both movies are interesting, and both are similar. They are worth watching. Turn the subtitles on for Night On Earth after the LA and New York stories are over. The Paris story is in French, the Rome story is in Italian, and the Helsinki story is in Finnish or Swedish (both languages are spoken in Finland, the Country has two official languages).

Now back to the box! And just what kind of stuff is in the box? Strange things. This is the inventory of the entire box.

One Santa hat. Just in time. I did not already have one.
Two packages of Mentos - strawberry and green apple flavor.
A single dose packet of Imodium Advanced anti-green apple splatters medicine, to go with the green apple Mentos.
A packet of Alka-Seltzer, which may come in handy. That is some good stuff.
A little tiny screwdriver. Phillips head. Good for those screws in eye glasses.
Some crazy pencil sharpening / wind up flower device.
One Ring Pop. Strawberry. I did not know they still made those things.
Two cat theme refrigerator magnets.
A note pad with a shopping list already written on it.
Two Viagra (sildenafil citrate) pens.
A LED light with a clip that is in need of repair
the broken part of the clip that is in need of some super glue
Color Bright staples. They appear to be blue.
A motivational button that encourages people to reach for a rainbow today. Then taste it. Skittles - taste the rainbow (PS Skittles company now owes me $500 for the advertising plug)
A package of rattlesnake eggs. But there are no rattlesnake eggs in the package.
One garnet in the rough. Really cool. I think it was mined from Idaho.
Some tissue paper, apparently added for packaging material.

Pretty cool assortment of stuff. As part of the junk exchange, I already sent off something. The mystery item I send off should be arriving in the next day or two or three. Hard to tell with snail mail.

I may attempt to brave a trip to a store today. Just to see the craziness first hand. I did not want to go anywhere near a store Friday. I was going to go to Shark Valley for a bike ride - but then I got lazy and forgot about that idea. I would have to install the bike carrier, load on the bike, drive all the way out to Shark Valley, pay to get in as my annual pass is expired, unload the bike, ride the 15 mile loop, load the bike back up, drive all the way home, unload the bike, then remove the bike carrier. LOTS of work there. Maybe I will go Sunday. If I can motivate myself. It warmed up so I am thinking that the insects that fly around and feed on blood might be active. Not good. Shark Valley is best experienced when the flying insects are not around.

This And That

You know what I hate? Ill tell you anyway.

I hate it when I am on the laptop in the middle of the night and the only light in the room is from the laptop screen and a moth is buzzing around the screen. So then I mush the moth and now there is a smudge on the screen. Great! Got to get up for a paper towel or something. And while I am up I might as well get my pre-sleep beer. Or maybe my second pre-sleep beer. After the third pre-sleep beer you are not going to be sleeping for long - you will need to get up to take a leak. So two pre-sleep beers is the limit.

My Iguana Music list needs updating. Manic Monday by The Bangles no longer works. The link is dead. And I kind of still want to bang The Bangles. At least I used to. Back in the 80s. Don't really know about now though. That was a long time ago, my standards were lower, and the band was a lot hotter. Back then anything that had boobs and moved was fair game. Not that I really knew what to do with boobs, all I had to go by was late night shows on Cinemax (SKINamax).

Anyway, the point is that if you notice any Iguana Music links not working, let me know. I will attempt to rectify the situation.

MOVIE REVIEWS!

Glen or Glenda. This is legendary film maker Ed Wood's first film. And why is Ed legendary? He made the worst movies ever. See all he wanted to do is tell a story. That is it. Just tell a story. So he did not care about sets or acting or stuff like that. The story was what was important. He never did retakes - the actors had one shot and that is it. So all Ed' movie reviews will use the "bad movie" scale - where 1 tail whip is just a bad movie and 5 tail whips is a bad movie that is so bad it is a classic.

Anyhow Glen Or Glenda has the feel of a 1950's "educational" film. You know, like how your life would be better with an automatic dish washer. Ed was a cross dresser is real life (a big problem in the 50s). This film attempts to explain why this is not a big deal. Nobody is really hurt by it after all. So what if some guy wants to wear angora sweaters? Ed's girlfriend, who was in the movie cast as Glen/Glenda's girlfriend should have taken a hint here. It is sad when you think that it is Ed's plea for acceptance from society - something he never would get. All he wanted to do was put on women's clothing and hang around in bars. Like this guy.

Was that so wrong? Anyway three tail whips. Bela Lugosi saying "PULL THE STRINGS" made this movie. Classic. You have probably seen this part of it. PULL THE STRINGS! if this line sounds familiar, you now know where it came from.

LAST KING OF SCOTLAND - a newly graduated medical student from Scotland goes to Uganda to do some good. But he ends up as the evil dictator President's personal doctor. The young doctor realizes that his employer is a class A asshole, and evil. So he tries to get out of the situation. The movie President is based on a real guy who really killed an estimated 300,000 Ugandans, and likely much more. I think the doctor character might have been based on a real guy too. Three tail whips. A good movie, but it could have been better.

PS - I also know The Ocean by Led Zeppelin, Desperate But Not Serous by Adam Ant, Ray Of Light by Madonna, Drive by The Cars, and Substitute by The Who do not work anymore. I really have to fix my Iguana Music links.

Just A Movie Review

MOVIE REVIEW! The Seventh Seal. This is an early movie by famed Swedish director Ingmar Bergman. It is a little rough around the edges, but that could have just been because I watched the movie with the English sound track. The original film is in Swedish. So the translation may have lost some of the effect and could account for the "rough around the edges" feel to the movie.

Anyway, a knight in the crusades returns home to Sweden just in time for the height of the black plague. He ends up engaging death in a game of chess. Death obliges the request because death seems to really like chess.

There is way more to the film than this of course. The knight doubts his faith. There is the plague. Lots of characters in the film question the existence of God. And then there is another reason the knight challenges death to the chess match. He has something to do, and is in fact stalling death to get it done.

All in all, a good film. A little rough on the edges, but still a good film. For as old as it is, and a foreign film, to be dubbed in English and released on DVD it has to not suck. If it was horrible, it would never have been restored and released. 4 tail whips.

Nothin else on the plate for today. I got a case of the blahs. Nothing AT ALL going on. Being bored actually sounds like fun.

Almost Forgot To Post

It seems I almost forgot to post. I would have totally forgot, for I was asleep. I was watching a movie, and after it was over I was going to take a shower and stuff. Then go to sleep.

But after the movie was over, I went to sleep. Everything was OK for a few hours, then Skipper decides to attack my face. He does this sometimes. So I wake up, take a shower, get a snack, and now here it is 4 AM nothing good is on the TV and going back to sleep is kind of pointless now. But I will try anyway.

MOVIE REVIEW! 300. I had to wait a while for this one. Netflix does not usually send me new releases. I have to wait for them. And so I do.

300 is about the legendary Battle of Thermopylae. This battle really happened. 300 Greeks from the City-State of Sparta, along with another 700 Greeks from another City-State held off a much larger army from Persia for three days. The battle was possible only because the Spartans forced the Persian army to fight in a very narrow pass. They could not use their massive numbers properly.

The Spartan force were all killed, but they caused heavy losses for the Persians.

The movie was of course highly stylized. But as for as "accuracy" is concerned, I guess it was accurate enough. Three tail whips. LOTS of blood. Lots of slow motion blood spattering. A few decapitations. OH YEA and a boob shot. Partial boob shot anyway. The oracle chick is HOT. I should throw in a bonus tail whip for the oracle chick scene.

All movie reviews from this point on shall contain a boob count.

WTF is a Robot Chicken?

MOVIE REVIEW! Lady Vengeance. The final installment of the "revenge trilogy" from some Korean director who likes Alfred Hitchcock films. By the way - the films are not a "trilogy" as you may be thinking. They are not connected, other than the theme. All three films have totally different characters and do not follow one another. Anyway, this one was not so great. After Oldboy I was expecting something crazy. Like quad revenge! Where the person you think is going to take revenge turns out to be someone that revenge is bring taken on for some crazy reason and then someone else takes revenge on the person taking revenge on the person seeking revenge and then everyone dies. You know, something wild and crazy and nutty and totally unexpected. But no. This was not the case. It was the most straight forward of the three movies. Three tail whips - barely.

THIS JUST IN! The second season of Robot Chicken is due to be released on DVD in early September. That is soon. So look for it, Robot Chicken rules. Seriously. If you do not know what Robot Chicken is, what rock are you living under? A mad scientist finds a road kill chicken, and turns it into some kind of half chicken half robot thing - and then makes the chicken watch crazy TV shows. Like these.

The Calvin and Hobbes skit


E.T. The Retard


Morning Wood


6 Million Peso Man


And so on. Each show is 15 minutes of clips like these. Awesome stuff. So if you get the Cartoon Network, put that DVR to use. Tell it to record Robot Chicken whenever it is on. If you still use a VCR the new shows are on Sunday 11:30 EST. I think. Check your listings.

Other than that - have a happy Monday!Do not get busted looking at porn on the computer. It is a bad way to start the week.

Blah blah blah and shit. And a movie review.

I had a bunch of stuff to post about, but I forgot what it was.

In other news, yet another rumor that Castro is dead is floating around. These rumors used to float around once every year or two, then they started to float around yearly, then two or three times a year, then monthly, and now it seems like it is a weekly thing. Well not quite but almost. And one of these days it will not be just a rumor, it will be fact.

Nobody lives forever. Castro is an old fart and not in the best health. Shit for all we know he is dead now. It is very possible. I really would not be surprised. What is that guy? Like 90 or 100 now? He has to drop dead any day now. If he is not already worm food but the Cuban government is hiding it. I would hope the CIA would know and leak it to the media. The CIA is supposed to know about stuff like this. And I know they would just love to break the story to force Cuba to admit it.

And so now, my prediction. Nobody is leaving Miami. The first few waves of exiles live here now. All the property that had is gone. Other people live on it now. If they want it back, they will have to buy it back. This is possible. But if they try to just go back and take what is "theirs" the people living on that land may disagree.

But if a lot of people do go back, it would be nice. There would be less traffic. Rent may get cheaper. And so on.

I just hope that when the news does break, I am not stuck in too much traffic. The standard way to celebrate in Miami is to drive around on major roads at 10 mph honking your horn. It is also the standard way to protest. 8 people in cars can block thousands of people from getting anywhere by simply blocking all the lanes on a highway. It has happened before.

So lets hope this does not happen again. People can be happy and celebrate and stuff (Castro is an asshole after all) but there is no reason to block Bird Road. People are trying to get to work, or get home from work. They do not want to be stuck in traffic.

Anyway, MOVIE REVIEW! Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance.

Mr. Vengeance is a strange film from a Korean director. The concept is revenge. In fact, this movie is part one of the directors "revenge trilogy".

In Mr. Vengeance it is hard to tell who the sympathetic character is. And it is hard to keep track of what exactly is going on. The audio is in Korean, but there are English subtitles. How well the translation is I can not say. "Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" will probably not translate very well into Korean - the alteration will be lost and the phrase will just be nonsense. But there is not much dialog in this film anyway.

A mute has a sister that needs a kidney. He can not donate one to her. So he goes to some black market organ dealers. They take his money and one of his kidneys. So now the sister has an organ available (the dealers find one somehow) but there is no money to pay for the operation. So the mute and his girlfriend kidnap some rich guys kid. And then all hell breaks loose. Everyone is seeking revenge on everyone else - for different reasons.

A lot of viewers on Netflix give this 5 stars. And I do not know why. I give it three tail whips. Not horrible but not great either. It just is. It is the first of the three films, so I will see how the other two are.

Getting Lazy With Watching Movies

You may have noticed the lack of movie circulation in my Netflix list. This will change next week as I will mail off all three movies Monday. They will get to the distribution center Tuesday, and on Wednesday I will have three more movies. The next three on the list are from Korean director Chan Wook Park. Sympathy For Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, and Lady Vengeance. These movies are known as his "revenge trilogy". Each movie features.....well....revenge. I do not think the movies are like Kill Bill V. 1 and 2, they are each separate movies. But I shall see. A lot of people rate the three movies very highly.

So now for some MOVIE REVIEWS!

Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (BBC TV series). Excellent. I never read the book, but I meant to. I just never got around to it. The series is broken down into 6 episodes of about 30 minutes each. The series is adapted from a BBC radio play, and of course as is typical of BBC productions the budget was low. Now this is a GOOD thing. See, the story line and dialog becomes more important than the special effects. So the result was a very funny series. Totally great. 5 tail whips for the series. If you read the book, then you will love the BBC series. And if you did not read the book, but enjoy the kind of humor presented by the book - then you will like the series. So rent it. Trust me here. By the way, the radio play predates the books. That is right, the books are based on the radio series. And the TV series follows the radio play. So in effect, the TV series is the original story. I think the infinite improbability drive had something to do with this because usually stuff is based on the book - not the other way around.

Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (the movie made with a higher budget). Not so great. They cut parts that were in the series out - like The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe. How can you leave that out? They mention it, but never end up there. And the story line is changed. The Vogons are chasing the characters for the whole movie, because in the movie version Zaphoid is the Galactic President (the people thought they were voting for "worst dressed being") and the Vogons think he was kidnapped. Totally not in the original series. And Marvin The Paranoid Android is not nearly as depressed nor nearly as funny. And so on. And did we really need a "so long and thanks for all the fish" song? NO! The original bit was much funnier. The think about God vanishing in a giant poof of logic because the Babelfish proves his existence and therefore there is no point in having faith and without faith God is nothing was also removed from the movie. And much more. Skip the movie and just watch the TV series. 0 tail whips for pissing me off by taking what was a perfectly good story and plot and screwing it up by trying to change it so you could have more special effect shots.

Wag The Dog - BORING! What a turd this movie is. I am watching it now. Here is the general plot as I understand it. There is an election about to take place. Two weeks or so before the election there is some kind of scandal involving the sitting President and some girl. And of course the person running against the President makes a big stink about it. Public opinion is going against the President - who is in China when all this breaks.

So the staffers invent a war. Not the "find a fake reason to go to war with some other nation then invade" - they invent a totally fake way. In a studio. With actors. And digital enhancement to turn a bag of chips into a kitten. And stuff.

Of course the real nation is a little concerned when US news is showing a war where there is none. And for some reason, nobody in the USA is watching the BBC which in real life would be reporting from Albania showing no war. But whatever. The CIA "ends" the fake war so some other story is made up about someone stuck behind what was once enemy lines and they run with that. And it just goes on and on.

The movie is a "comedy". And I suppose it is a comedy, in the way that it is totally absurd.
The events are pretty out there. But it works. The news is manipulated, public opinion is changed, and so on. So I guess there is a message there too. If it is on TV, it is real. And it is easy to get people to buy almost anything.

But the pace is slow, and the comedy is dry. 2 tail whips. Not a very good movie.

More stuff about Skipper and Korats on Monday. Maybe. If I remember.

As If I Do Not Have Enough Already

So you may have noticed something new on the sidebar. The left sidebar. You see, I had to switch over to a three column blog template late last year. With only one side bar, there was simply too much crap. The blog would go on and on and on with no end in sight. Way past the last post the sidebar continued. So I found a boring three column template, stole it, and then proceeded to customize it. So now behold in all its glory! My sidebars full of crap! Marvel at its glory.

But it seems someone did not think I had enough stuff. So they gave me the red button thing. The red button thing is the creation of two people. This person, and that person. Also known as Doozie "The Beagle Master" and Emma "Sometimes High On Coffee". Or always high on coffee. Anyway, something to do with coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

Anyway, DO NOT PRESS THE RED BUTTON. It is very important. Really. So do not press it. OK? Good. I knew you could follow simple directions.

Now on to movie reviews! Yes movie reviews. We will start with...

Intimacy. Two strangers meet every Wednesday for hot sex. The sex scenes are not simulated by the way. The actors are either doing a REALLY good job at acting, or they are actually having sex on camera. Not like porno sex or anything, just regular hot non porno sex. By the way - it is not acting. Trust me here. You do not "act" like you are sticking something into your mouth. You are either doing that or not. Acting has nothing to do with it.

Anyway, the movie is about much more than sex. It is about relationships. You see, the two just meet for sex once a week. Very little is said. They do not even know each others name. Just sex, then the chick gets up and leaves.

But after a few weeks, the guy wants to find out more about her. So he follows her. And wants to know more about her. Like what her name is. What she does. Anything. And then the real story unfolds. The guy wants more than just sex. He wants her. Will she stay with him? Can she stay with him?

Anyhow, it gets 4 tail whips. One tail whip for the boob shots, and three for the story. I suppose this counts as a chick flick, but the boob shots make up for that. And it is not the standard sappy horrible chick flick. It is gritty and real.

The Mothman Prophecies. The other movie. Now I never expected much from this one. Really. I mean, look at the title. What the hell is a Mothman anyway?

Well it seems that a while back, a bunch of (drunk...stoned....tripping on LSD....all of the above) people were seeing something. This half moth half man thing with glowing red eyes. Spooky huh. Anyway this moth thing would tell people stuff. Stuff that would supposedly come true. But after one event, a tragic event on a river, the moth thing went away and was never seen by anyone again. So they made a movie out of this supposedly true story.

2 tail whips. The movie was pretty cheesy. Even for a movie I knew was going to be bad, it was awful. First off, they never show the Mothman! How can you have a creepy movie without showing the creep? I felt cheated. The movie tried to take itself way too seriously. The director had to know the movie was crap. And so did the actors. And the film crew. And the prop guy. And the janitor. Everyone involved with it had to know it was crap. So why not try to have some fun with it? Oh well. 2 tail whips. Nothing gets 1 tail whip - that honor is reserved for something truly awful.

Getting Things Done.

I never updated anyone on my "get something done" progress! Well I cleaned out the tool box. I use my truck tool box as a trunk. Pick up trucks do not have trunks.

Anyway I found many treasures in the tool box. And a lot of trash. In the treasure department I found a long lost small aluminum folding table, a Saws All, an orbital sander borrowed from a friend that nobody knew where the hell it was, and a really nice 500 piece crimping kit that I thought was gone. And other stuff too! It was like "OHH! So that is where this thing went off to!". Over and over again.

In the trash category, there were two pairs of old ratty sneakers, a phone/fax switch, and a bunch of paper trash. And plastic bags with nothing in them. Loose bits of stuff from projects. And so on. And of course, all the garbage was covering up all the good stuff. This could be why the good stuff got lost in the first place.

But now the tool box is all cleaned out. I took everything out of it, separating the good stuff from the garbage. Then I take the tool box out to hose it out. I also removed the bed rug thing and hosed that off. All sorts of filth was in the beg rug. Mostly dirt and old leaves and stuff. And some ROACHES! AGGHHH! Roaches! Not really a big surprise there, the tool box would trap leaves and stuff under and behind it. And it would trap moisture too. So it was the perfect place for roaches. Plenty of food and water. I am kind of surprised more were not there. But they are all gone now.

The tool box is now all organized and stuff. I am very proud of it at this point. I may even take a picture and post it here. I also washed the truck and so the thing is all ready for the wax. I used some polish on the hood and can not see any difference, so I am going to skip that step. It is not necessary.

Maybe this will get done today. In the late afternoon. If I do not find something else to do.

And now for some movie reviews.

No Man's Land. It is the 1990s. The Balkans are at war. The Serbs and Bosnians are trying to kill each other. War is like that. Anyway some guys from each side get stuck into the same trench. What happens when regular guys from each side of a nasty war get stuck into the same trench? Can they get along because they have to? Will they kill each other? Eho knows. It was OK. Three tail whips. You have to read this movie because the dialog in in some crazy language. The English dialog parts have a heavy French accent. So if you rent this movie be ready for this.

Dune: A classic science fiction flick. Star wars meets Lord Of The Rings. The universe is controlled by an Emperor, and several royal families. It seems in the future man reverts back to the feudal system. Anyway there is also "The Guild" and the Bene Gesserits. And planet Arrakis, where all the spice is. Spice is a substance that everyone needs. Mostly The Guild, who use the spice to fold space and time allowing for very long distance space travel instantly. If you like science fiction stuff then you may like Dune. Otherwise, do not bother. 3 tail whips.

Movies To Skip

I would like to start this off by thanking Jane for the Hot Fuzz movie suggestion. This film was just released on DVD and Netflix decided to send it to me the day it was released. So the DVD should be all nice and new and stuff. They will not send me 300 because I watch too many movies. The two movies I sent back were "Zodiac" and "Gangs Of New York". I can not remember if I reviewed them so here it goes!

Zodiac was kind of boring. It was just the story of the time the Zodiac murders were taking place. They never busted the creep (which in itself is creepy) but the film suggests that they had a pretty good idea of who it was. They could just never get enough evidence to pin it on the guy. Anyway, 2 tail whips. It was just not a very good movie.

Gangs Of New York. The set is great. Really great. They did a very good job recreating the five points area of 1860's New York City. The costumes were also good. LOTS of top hats. But it seems that is what folks were wearing back then. I kind of want a top hat. And a monocle. Can you still buy a monocle?

Anyway, they spent so much time with costumes and set design that they forgot to make a movie. The plot is LAME! Lame to the second power. Just another typical, predictable, revenge story. You know, as in "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father prepare to die". Except not as funny. A set and costumes, no matter how well they are designed and how authentic they look, can not carry a movie all by themselves. This is the problem for Gangs Of New York. It was like the characters were just walking and talking. The actors all forgot to show up for work.

2 tail whips. Skip this movie unless you want an example of terrible writing but good set design. I want the three hours of my life back.

Anyhow, if you have a Netflix suggestion send it in.

Oh yea - remember those things I was talking about doing? Well I managed to not do any of it. First I did not wake up early enough. So of course I had to wait for it to cool off! And then it rained. Can't do stuff when it is raining! And then I went to Titanic for lunch. And that was pretty much it. They have a guest beer on tap called "Hazed and Infused". It is pretty good stuff. It is like the Titanic IPA with just a little less hops bitterness to it. Very drinkable and not too heavy for a hot summer day. The stuff goes very well with a club sandwich.

Anyway, I am going to try to do the stuff again today. The tool box needs to be cleaned out, the bed rug needs to be removed (this requires tool box removal), the clear coat could use some polish, and the truck needs to be waxed so that I do not start to get rust spots in the places where the paint is chipped because of shit that hits it when I drive.

I just need to get motivated. And that is hard to do.

Happy Birthday To France.

Today, a long time ago, a bunch of pissed off French People stormed a royal prison / arsenal called The Bastille. You see the King at the time was a total douche. So the people said "Yo King Douche, you have to go. NOW! Do not let the door hit your royal ass on the way out". And so it was. The Republic of France was born. The King was out. The King went crazy and ended up loosing his head over the whole mess.

So now this day is known as "Bastille Day". The French call it "National Holiday". Of course they say it in French. So if you are French, happy Bastille Day! Or Fête Nationale! By the way, thanks for the cool statue. It looks good in New York.

So how do I know all this stuff? Wikipedia. Also I have to go to a Bastille Day party. There will be wine and food and it is all free. It is going to be terrible. Horrible. But I will survive. I will just have to drink the free wine and eat the free food and suffer through it all. It is a rough life, but someone has to live it. I am going to consume all that great free French wine so you do not have to. See what a great guy I am? I should get a friggin medal. Really. The sacrifices I am willing to make are amazing.

I am also going to get two more movies today. From my "holy crap I have not seen that in ages" list there is "The Black Hole". And from the "Ill give it a shot but I am not really expecting that much from it" list there is "City Of Ghosts".

I watched Lolita. It was "scandalous" by the standards of the day it was filmed in. The director was very limited in what he could show. The book was actually a lot more detailed. In the novel, Lolita was 9 years old. In the film she is 14. But still, it is creepy in its concept. It is considered a classic but I had a hard time getting into it. But it is well made. 2 tail whips. But it gets a bonus tail whip for being a classic.

Got to take pollution investigation training in the morning. So that means I get to be up at some unholy hour of the morning to drive to the sea port and learn how to look for pollution. I am sure I can find some. I plan to bring a quart or two of old motor oil with me so if I do not see any pollution I can dump the oil then say "look at what I found! POLLUTION! I found it, so it is mine! Go find your own pollution!". Or something like that.

I have to wake up in 4 1/2 hours. It is going to be one of those days.

No Idea

I had an idea for a post today. But then I forgot what it was. Maybe if I just type crap it will come to me? Who knows.

I watched Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. It was a very good B movie. It was a spoof of itself in a way. They knew it was a low budget B movie. So it had really bad acting. I think the actors were acting bad on purpose. They made fun of their own special effects. There is even a joke about running out of money and having to do product placement. So if you really REALLY like bad 80s B movies, you have a problem. So I will rate it as a B movie. I mean, you know it is going to be cheesy just by the title. So as a B movie, and compared to such winners as "Killer Clowns From Outer Space" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space" this gets 3 tail whips. Remember my B movie scale is not the same as my A movie scale. 3 tail whips on the B movie scale can not really be converted. If you have any tolerance for low budget flicks, you may like Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. If not then do not bother. You will want to go postal.

And speaking of going postal, here is a wonderful device someone invented.

It seems to be something a deer hunter would use. I can think of more than one HUMAN that deserves to have this device used on them. Can you?

Talk about ripping one a new hole! OUCH! Who the hell thinks up these kinds of things?

What You REALLY Want To Say

Not too long ago I posted a great cartoon jingle to open any movie. Don't talk, watch. The death metal song featuring hardcore movie snacks that threaten to stab you if you do not shut up.

Well here is another public service announcement. It is what you REALLY want to say to others at the movies. WARNING! This is really what you want to say. It is not work safe. Nothing you REALLY REALLY want to say to someone else who is annoying you is work safe.



They really should play this before every movie. I swear I have seen people at the movies playing on a PSP. Why would you pay to go somewhere just to play your PSP? Just keep your ass at home! Play with yourself all you want there. Keep a towel nearby.

Movie Review!

Reno 911!: Miami. Probably the best part of this movie was being able to say "Hey, that is the Parrot Jungle Island!" or "I know that causeway, I was stuck on it for hours one day because some asshole did something stupid" or "that is not a police department, that is the pit of the Miami-Dade County Emergency Operations Center at the Miami-Dade County Fire Rescue HQ building on NW 40th street not too far from the Doral Ale House". And "Is that the security checkpoint at the cruise ship terminal?". And stuff like that. Otherwise, the movie was about as good as the show on Comedy Central. In other words, not so great. It has its moments here and there. But mostly this movie was a horrible waste of everyone's time. Assholes come to Miami to film bad movies, shutting down roads to local traffic for DAYS at a time. Oh but it brings money to the city! Yea, well not to me. I do not get any of that movie money. But do I get stuck in the traffic? Not really. I do not live on the beach. But someone gets stuck in the traffic. And I am sure it pisses them off.

So please, if you want to make a movie in Miami try to do better than "the fast and the fuckwitted 2" that shuts down the MacArthur Causeway for 3 or 4 days just to shoot a car chase scene that lasts 10 minutes on the film. If the movie is going to be crap, and I am not going to get paid off with any of that movie money - shoot your crap film somewhere else. Like Naples. That is an excellent place. I do not live there.

Reviews and Mystery Boat Part

Time for more MOVIE REVIEWS!

1. Red Eye. Someone told me it was good. That person is a moron. It sucks. Big time. 0 tail whips. It was worse than Flight Plan. And that movie was a festering stinking turd.

2. Dr. Strangelove. Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb. I had actually never seen this film before. This is a Kubrick film. One of his early attempts at directing. The film starts off with a message from the USAF stating that there are safeguards in place to prevent the events in the film from happening. So you know it is going to be good. This is a wonderful piece of cold war dark humor. A general goes crazy and orders SAC to bomb Russia. Of course nobody authorized it. So now everyone has to figure out how to recall the bombers before they nuke something. One bomber fails to get the recall message and is not shot down. OOPS! That is the dark part. The humor part is scattered through the film. 4 tail whips. Really good movie. Most, if not all of Stanley Kubrick's movies were good.

3. 28 Days Later. I actually saw this one in the theater. But being a dumb ass I walked out as the credits were rolling. And then later I find out that there was an alternate ending after the credits! Well that sucks ass. So I either had to sneak in to catch the alternate ending OR wait for the movie to be out on DVD. So I waited. It is another take on the zombie movie. Except these zombies are not undead. They are infected with rage. They are REALLY pissed off. And these are not your usual slow, lumbering zombies. These zombies can run and climb and stuff. Any how some people are not infected. And they have to keep it that way. While the infected pissed off zombies are after them. Pretty good for a zombie movie. Not as excellent as Shaun Of The Dead however. 28 Days Later tries to be a "serious" zombie movie, Shaun Of The Dead was more of a comedy/zombie movie. All in all, I give this "serious" zombie movie 3 tail whips. If you like zombies, you will probably dig 28 days later. 28 Weeks Later is also on my list.

And now for the mystery boat part! I have this water separating fuel filter on my boat. It separates the water from the gas. It is a simple device. The fuel goes in one side of the filter. The water sinks to the bottom. Then the fuel can flow on to the engine. There is a filter element in there too that attempts to remove any particles that could be in the gas. All in all very simple.

I just need to know who makes it. My internet searches have turned up zilch. So if you know who makes this filter, let me know! It seems to be made out of 100% marine brass. It was probably not cheap.

Sunday Something Starting with S.

And containing a H. And a T. Oh yea and it needs a vowel. How about I?

What is it called when you use a bunch of words that contain the same sound? Alliteration? Something like that. Anyhow I like doing that. That would explain the title of the post. Just in case you were wondering.

Don't really have time for more. The boat is hitched up, the digital camera is charging, and I have a full complement of beer. And fizzy water. And possibly all sorts of other stuff I am forgetting about. Like for example.....drain plugs? I don't know anymore. I just hope I do not forget the boat keys. That would totally suck. It would suck to the second power.

The drain plugs in the new boat require a wrench to put in. So I have to not forget to bring the proper size wrench. I keep an adjustable wrench in the truck tool box so it is not likely I will leave home without it.

And now, for your viewing pleasure - people falling off on or off boats! Some of the people in this video may have needed pain killers afterwards.


NETFLIX UPDATE! You can now watch movies right from the Netflix website! It helps to have a high speed internet connection. Coolness. I can watch 18 hours of movies online every month. For every buck you pay a month you get 1 hour of viewing time.

MOVIE REVIEW - The Bridge. This film chronicles, through interviews with friends and family, the story of a few people who choose to end it all by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

REALLY heavy subject matter here. After this movie, you will not look at that bridge the same way. I had no idea so many people jump from it. This film defies a rating.

BLAZING SADDLES - I think everyone has seen this movie. It is said to be Mel Brooks's finest film. I do not know about that. I thought that History Of The World Part I was his best movie. But Blazing Saddles is funny. For its time it was probably much funnier. I had seen it before. I rented it again because it was a "special edition" DVD. It was the same movie.

Don't Talk, Watch!

This is the BEST EVER movie intro. You know how they always put up some lame jingle to remind you the lobby sells over priced snacks and soda and shit? Oh yea they also play a reminder to all the morons that other people are there to watch a movie and might not want you to be talking or whatever? Well check out this intro!

Awesome huh? I thought so. This is perfect. They should play it before EVERY movie. Don't talk. watch! Perfect.

There is also some good advice about not pulling out your penis unless you really have to. Indecent exposure is a class 2 felony. According to the singing snacks anyway.

And now - MOVIE REVIEW! What is THE BEST zombie movie ever? I would vote for Shaun Of The Dead.

We all know the plot. Something crazy happens, and suddenly the streets are full of zombies that crave human flesh. Invariably some humans are not zombified and have to deal with the madness. And in all these movies, it seems that the only way to "kill" the undead is to smack em in the noggin with something.

So there you go. All this happens in Shaun Of The Dead. But it is more of a comedy than a "serious" zombie movie. As if you can have a "serious" zombie movie.

Shaun is something is a loser. But a loser with a hot looking girlfriend. Who dumps his lame ass. And slowly all around Shaun something screwy is going on. But Shaun does not seem to notice. And when he finally does notice Shaun decides to get his mother, rescue his ex-girlfriend, and then......go back to his flat. NO stay at his girlfriend's flat. NO go to the pub! Yea, the pub! Perfect.

Great zombie movie. Best one ever. Totally cool. 4 tail whips for this one. Not because it is "great" or deep or anything, but because it is a great take on the zombie movie genre.

I Am A Winner!

I am a winner. That means everyone else is a loser. To them I say HA HA! I won and you lost!

What did I win? Something. But first.....

MOVIE REVIEWS! "Sideways" and "Good Night And Good Luck".

Sideways - some goofy movie about two dudes who go off to the California wine country to taste a bunch of wine and get drunk. One of the two dudes is going to be married. So they go off on what has to be the MOST LAME bachelor party ever! Anyway a series of events happens to the dudes. It is a "comedy drama". The comedy part is OK in places, but pretty dry in others. Same for the drama part. The movie was watchable, but I gave it three (out of five) tail whips.

Good Night And Good Luck - a George Clooney film (he directed it or produced it or something) about Edward Murrow the CBS television news guy VS Senator Joe McCarthy who accused everyone of being a communist. Some actual historical footage was used in the film - but it is not exactly a documentary. So I guess it was a "docu-drama" thing? Is that what you would call it? Anyway the film was dry and just unimpressive. I could not seem to give a shit about any of it. 2.5 tail whips.

Now back to me being a winner!

A few weeks ago I went to a TGI Friday's for dinner. I forgot what day it was. The place was raffling off this thing. It did not cost anything to enter the raffle, so I put my name in the jar. And today I get a call saying I won the thing. So I drive to the place and picked up my fabulous prize.

Behold my prize! Marvel in its glory! This is a Charmglow stainless steel BBQ. Home Depot is the exclusive outlet for these things. It seems Home Depot bought the company that makes them. This one has three main burners, plus one side burner. It is not the most expensive thing on the market, but it is still nice. Retail on this thing is somewhere around $250 or so. I think. I can not find this exact model anywhere.

So this explains the new Iguana Music. Be it on land or at sea, I can BBQ stuff.

More Driving Rules

So you have probably all heard that the Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers. And if not - BREAKING NEWS! The Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers! There. Now you know.

Here are those commandments, with explanations of what they mean complements of me.

1. Thou shalt not kill - clearly plagiarized from the original 10 commandments. OH how original there! You mean I am not supposed to run people down in my car? Really? What idiot came up with this one! Anyone who is going to put effort into paying any attention to the driving commandments probably already follows the ORIGINAL commandments, so not killing is already covered. They did not even cite the original commandments properly! MLA would be horrified.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm - OK what does this mean? Means of communion between people? So I am only supposed to use the roads if I want to get laid or something? And what is it with the mortal harm part? We already know about the whole "no running assholes down" thing. Even if they do deserve it. And does this mean the Vatican is against street vendors and people trying to collect money for various reasons by standing in the street? This commandment needs the Pope to clarify it.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events - sounds like they stole this from a fortune cookie or a newspaper horoscope.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents - like this will ever happen in Miami. I have seen people drive through fresh accident scenes, cell phones pressed firmly against the head. Nothing happened here! Keep driving! Swerve to avoid the body in the street! Do not want to get blood on the car finish!

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin - YEA RIGHT! Someone should tell the Vatican that the Archbishop of the Miami Diocese lives in PINECREST (expensive houses) and when I had to make a delivery there I saw a few Jags in the driveway. Is that not an "expression of power"? Look! I can afford an $80,000 car because you idiots put all that money in the collection plate every week! Please. And if I can not commit the occasional sin in the back seat of the car, how can I use the roads as a means of communion between people? Sometimes a proper place to get freaky is just too far away.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so - Code words for "do not drive after drinking a whole bottle of communion wine". Driving drunk is more likely to lead to a whole bunch of hot sweaty steamy backseat sin. The kind of sin that fogs up the windows on the inside of the car. And causes the suspension to make noises. Got it! Better to find a proper place for that kind of activity.

7. Support the families of accident victims - Good concept here. Really. People need support. This one actually makes sense, as does number 6.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness - uhhhhhh...might not be such a great idea. "Im sorry" does not pay for my new car because your ass had no insurance and was driving without a license. I may forgive you if you forgive the steel toe boot lodged up your ass.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party - I do this. Which is why I drive a larger heavier vehicle!

10. Feel responsible toward others - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Really! I almost peed on myself here. Feel responsible toward others? Like how? I carry insurance for the vehicle, is that not enough? What if the "others" are mouth breathing morons who have no business owning a car in the first place? What then?

So there you go. More driving rules that you can ignore.

MOVIE REVIEW! Flags Of Our Fathers. Another war movie with a message. War is bad, MMM-Kay? This movie is about the guys who were in that famous "Flag over Iwo Jima" photograph. The ones who lived long enough for the photo to be famous were flown home and sent on a public relations tour of the USA to get people to buy more war bonds. It used some of the same footage from "Letters From Iwo Jima", and was made by the same director (Clint Eastwood). It is a good movie, not the typical war movie at all.