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Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Cats, Power, Homeland Security, Beer, The Hazards Of Recycling

In this post I will tie three totally unrelated things together, using magic and skill.

The other night I was hanging out here, watching 21 Grams. No big deal. Then the phone rings. The number was all strange and crap. As it turns out, it was one of my operatives calling from Europe to give a spy report.

So we were talking - because I was not paying for the call, and there were many topics. But one topic that was discussed in depth was US Customs regulations, TSA security, and international flights. The overseas operative wants to bring back....LIQUIDS! Yes, liquids. This used to be no big deal - who goes to France and does NOT bring back French Wine? Who goes to Italy and does not bring back Italian Wine? Who goes to Belgium and does not bring back beer? Nobody, thats who. And if you do, you are weird.

But now, thanks to some ASSHOLES in the UK who plotted to blow up a transatlantic flight leaving LHR airport liquids are a big deal. Can the spy carry them on the aircraft? Do the liquids have to be checked? If they are checked, will the routine drop kick from the luggage chuckers break the bottle?

I have to find out. And during the conversation I went over, again, why this stuff is a big deal. So I start to mention things like "binary explosive compounds" and "bomb" and "flight" and "airport" and "terrorist" and "IED" and "ka-boom" and "Bush is a friggin idiot" and all sorts of other things.

DURING an overseas phone call. At some point it occurred to me that it was an overseas call. You know, the kind that The Decider decided it was cool to spy on. I think it was part of one of the Patriot Acts or something. So if I did not mention one (or all) the keywords that cause the recording device to click on and the calls to be traced - then the program is over.

So....SORRY DHS! I forgot it was not a domestic call. Trust me here, my plans are strictly limited to how I can get beer cider from over there to over here. Really! Scan this blog, if you have not already. You will see about 10,000 mentions of beer. My story checks out. Plus I am in your system anyway. You guys have issued me something like 4 IDs now. Give or take. I just want the cider. My overseas operative is kind enough to try to remember to get me some, and I want to make sure they know the procedure. I do not want my stuff to be confiscated at the airport over there. Oh yea and my operative already knows about declaring EVERYTHING on the blue form! Smuggling = BAD! Now if someone had just told that to Colomba Bush....

Anyway enough about Homeland Security and beer! Now onto the hazards of recycling and cats!

This is a hazard of recycling. You see, Sunday night I was taking the blue trash can out to the curb. I put all the glass, metal, and plastic in the blue can. Anyway I hear this noise. It sounded like a kitten meowing across the street. So I go over to investigate, thinking that the meowing is coming from the other side of a fence. Well it was not. The little cat decided I was a tree and started to climb up the leg of my jeans. So I take it home. The other cats HATE the kitten. And I do not need another cat. So now I have to find a home to the thing. But he is still little and cute so the chances are good that someone will take him. I hope.

The little guy is 4 or 5 weeks old by my best estimation. 6 weeks at the oldest. Barely weaned from the mama cat. He likes to climb up on your shoulder and sleep. Or stand there and meow in your ear. Fred, Gigi, Cleo, and Sake all hate him and wish he would go away. I had to hold him still because he would not sit still so I could take his photo. Notice the little bit of white on his paws. Other than that little bit of white, the cat is all gray. The $5 is for scale. The cat is little.

Now for some exciting news!

This is a Glacier Bay power cat! The best of all power boats. This is a photo of a 2007 model. As you can see, this is a split hull boat. Meaning that even standing still, most of the boat is out of the water.

This is a US Navy power cat. As you can see, most of the hull is out of the water. The Glacier Bay is the same way, only much MUCH smaller. But you can see the design clearly here.

The advantages of a power cat are many. First off, you can push a larger boat with less power. This means you can get away with smaller engines. This means LESS FUEL is used. Also the ride is super stable. A power cat can take rougher water than a mono hull. They slice through waves, mono hull boats plow through waves.

I found a 1996 Glacier Bay 22 footer for sale in the Keys. I will go look at it if the guy calls me back. It is a 22 footer, and is powered by twin 90 HP outboards. Twin 90s! In a 22 foot boat! Underpowered? Nope! In fact for the 1996 models the maximum rating is 180 horsepower. So twin 90s are what they all run with. The 2007 models can take optional twin 115 HP engines, but the twin 90s will push it just fine. The engines are made by Yamaha, and Yamaha makes what could possibly be the best marine outboard engines on the market.

By comparison my 18 foot mono hull has a 150 hp engine on it. The larger and heavier cat with only 30 more hp will outrun my 18 footer in all but the calmest water. In glass calm water the 18 footer MAY be able to run a little faster. Maybe.

Another great thing about the power cat design is that the outboards are FAR from each other. With a traditional V or semi-V hull if you hang twins off the back they are right next to each other.

Why do you want the engines apart? So the props are apart. You see, the further apart the props are the better that can work against each other. If I put the port engine in forward idle, and the starboard engine in reverse idle, the boat will turn around in its own length. Using the engines with and against each other I can learn how to do some neat stuff. Like "walk" the boat sideways.

Oh yea, also this boat has a toilet. The current boat has a "piss off the side" style toilet. Most small center console boats hide the toilet in the center console, which is cramped and hard to get in and out of. The Glacier Bay puts the shitter off to the port side. You step down into the part of the hull in contact with the water. The result? A MUCH nicer crapper. Easy to get in and out of.

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Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I thought iguanas has only three fingers and a dew claw?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you used your labels as your title, or vice versa. Now, I was noticing the items on your bed, is that a flashlight along with the remote controls? Nice usage of the bill for scale on sizing up that rat/cat. See, I would not allow myself to take the baby cat home because I can't resist baby cats, and I would end up keeping it. I think you should name it Mr. Wiggles.

I hope you find your boat, although I don't know what you are doing, you already have a boat, is it broke?

Will you message us from federal prison after the phone call is traced?

Anonymous 3 fingered Jack said...

your arm is very hairy does that mean you have lots of head hair?

Blogger Matt said...

Would a Dodge hemmy be able to tow one of those powercat bitches?

I dunno.

Blogger Matt said...

the only clandestine affairs i engage in are w/ married women.

Blogger Daisy said...

When we moved back to S. FL from VA, we had to go through airport security. Of course our carriers can't go through the x-ray machine with us in them. We asked to be taken to a private room to be searched because we would likely bolt if taken out of the carriers out in the open. They actually took us out of our carriers and PATTED US DOWN! Down our bellies, up and down our legs and tails. Very weird.

That kitten is awfully cute. Looks like a keeper to me...

Blogger TLP said...

Rabbit Rabbit lizard.

That is one cute cat! You are a sucker for kittens. I bet you keep it.

I'll write to you when you're in jail.

Blogger actonbell said...

heh. You are one softy for kitties.

Rabbit, rabbit!

Blogger Senor Caiman said...

The Lazy,

That boat looks interesting. Do you have to have a special trailer? I know my flats boat is extremely easy.

A toilet would be nice especially when the water's cold or there are sharks circling.

You seem to be quite the Dr. Doolittle. I always run when I see strays.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - I think iguanas have 4 claws + 1 dew claw. They are needle sharp. An iguana can rake you pretty bad.

Ba Doozie - The title and tags being the same was to throw people off. I see it did not work. The little cat really is little. Someone is a real asshole for dumping it. I am still thinking it may be lost however. I am leaning to "Mr. Tibbs" as a name. Boats are a disease. As soon as you have one, you want a larger one. The 18 footer works great but it is an 18 footer with a single engine and a semi-V hull design. The Glacier Bay is a 22 footer with twin engines and a catamaran design. It is a major upgrade.

3 fingered - I do not think I will go bald. At least not till I am 80.

Matt - any affair should probably be kept on the down low. You stand less change of getting shot that way. A Dodge Hemi may be able to pull the 22 foot power cat, but not for more than 5 or 6 blocks before something breaks.

Daisy - I used to work for TSA. I thought it was crazy that pets had to be patted down too. What is a cat going to do? Hide a gun? How? Where? But that was the procedure. If the owner set off the metal detector going carrying a pet, both the pet and owner had to be screened.

TLP - I hope I get sent to the good jail. You know, the one with the golf course and cable TV. The one CHENEY will go to if the Congress ever gets off their ass and brings charges against him. Maybe we can hang out and play Rummy with Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld? Who knows.

Actionbell - do not laugh too hard. Something might show up at your house in a box with a "live animal" sticker on it.

Caiman - power cats can use a regular trailer, but the bunks are different than for a mono hull design. You have 4 bunks, not the usual 2. Each pair of bunks is off to the side of the trailer, to support the hulls. The front stop thingie is double as well.

Blogger Meow said...

Cute kitty cat ... bet it wraps itself around your little finger, and stays for ever !!
Nice boat ... we have a little jet boat, a Regal Rush, sort of like a SeaDoo ... lots of fun. Hope you get the one you want.
Oh, yeah ... your postcard arrived yesterday ... thank you so much. I still owe you one ... it'll get written eventually !!
Hope you are well.
Take care, Meow

Blogger dusty said...

Great post dude! I laughed I cried, I considered the kitten..

but no thanks..I have enough strays to last a lifetime..more cats than people in my house and they have three shitters where I only have one!

He is a cute lil guy though..find him a good home please..or your other ones will eventually get used to him..they always me on this..I have 11 friggin cats..all former feral kittens except for the haughty siamese who hates everyone.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Meow - take your time with the post card. I am just glad it got there. And for only 85 cents! I wish I could to to Auzzie Land for only 85 cents!

Dusty - 11 cats to too many. But what can you do? They just keep showing up.

Mu Balinese looking cat Sake hates everyone and everything. I think that there is something wrong with Asian cats.


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