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Sunday, June 17, 2007

Wasted An Hour - Still No Video To Post

Well hell. I friggin give up. You Tube is all "we do not want to host pirate shit" and I can not figure out how to steal this from somewhere else and post it here. So I will just have to give out a link and you have to follow it. Lame - I know. But that is just how it is. Nothing I can do about it.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set.

No it is NOT porn. This is my little island of wasted bandwidth in a vast sea of internet porn. So no porn links. You may need to know who Lemmiwinks The Gerbil is to get the end of this video. And the Sparrow Prince. And the Catata Fish. And of course, the Frog King. All died a horrible death.

No, that is not Richard Gere's website. This blog is anti-gerbilling.

I hope we do not have to keep hearing about the stupid spoiled whore. Really. Can we move on to something else to pretend to give a shit about? Can we?? PLEASE!!?!?!

After months of no rain (and lots of days to get shit done) it is now raining every day. So it is hard to get shit done. But we do need the rain. Thus the dilemma. Do we bitch and cry about the daily rain, or do we just deal with it because it is the friggin summer and this is the tropics and we all know that in the tropics in the summer it rains every day?

The next asshole I do not know that feels the need to comment to me that "it is hot" is going to get stabbed. NO SHIT IT IS HOT! Where do you think you are? Fucking Siberia? Thanks for the weather update Captain Obvious! I had not noticed that I am sweating like a fat man in a sauna after eating 100 super spicy chicken wings. I needed your keen observations to point that out to me.

The forecast calls for a slack off in the rain. We are going from "showers likely" to "scattered showers throughout the day, scattered thunderstorms in the late morning / afternoon" to "isolated showers and thunderstorms" to "slight chance of thunderstorms". Then back to "chance of thunderstorms".

"Slight chance of thunderstorms" is the normal forecast from now till November. It is pretty cool actually. You can watch the converging sea breezes push the hot moist air over the everglades up, forming storm clouds. Then they either hit you or not.

I think I struck it rich. Skipper is only three pounds and is not really getting much larger than he was 2 months ago. I am thinking I can start my own line of designer cats. I figure that people will pay to get their very own mini cat. I have already came up with some marketing slogans.

1. 75% less cat shit!
2. 75% less hairball horking!
3. Save money on food!
4. The forever kitten

And so on. Now if I can just get myself a dwarf female hypoallergenic cat I would really be raking in the jack. People are paying $5950 US per kitten and there is a 24 month wait. For an extra $2,000 you can shorten that wait to 12 months.

Now I have done some rough calculations. Skipper is probably not a 1 in 50,000 hypoallergenic cat. But if the gene is recessive, and Skipper has a dominate / recessive gene pair then 1/4 of the kittens he produces can be expected to be hypoallergenic. If he happens to be hypoallergenic AND a dwarf than ALL the kittens he causes will be worth $6,000 AND some of them may be worth more. I could afford this in NO TIME!


I just need to get Skipper about 25 dwarf hypoallergenic girlfriends. And then get each male dwarf allergen free kitten produced another 25 girlfriends. Lets see here...6 kittens per batch, two batches per year per female cat, 25 female cats, 50% male kittens 50% female kittens.....doing math here....carrying the 1......

300 kittens in year 1. If half are male then that is 150. Plus the original makes 151. Times 25 would be A LOT of cats. In year two. Now for the good part. Lets say $6,000 per cat. 6k times (151 times 25) is well over $6,000,000.

Today is Father's Day. I got a card. And some other stuff. In two years when I am the designer cat kingpin making $6,000,000 selling dwarf allergy free cats Ill be able to get Dad a friggin Bently. And a card.

Labels:

13 Comments:

Blogger Daisy said...

I want to see a picture of Skipper! I hope your cats got you a good Father's Day present.

06:08  
Blogger cathouse teri said...

Oh yeah. Eight grand for a cat you'll get in a year. And not just a cat, but one you have no idea what its temperament will be like. Are people out of their minds??

I like small cats who are dainty like Skipper. And if they're not gonna be small, I want them HUGE, like a tiger!

I have never paid more than zero dollars for a cat. And I've had some great cats.

Right now I live in what I call "Stray Cat Alley" where all night long you hear them doing their thing. Fighting, mating (those are kinda the same... for both them and us) just prowling about. And then they sleep all day under everyone's bushes. I picked some flowers in the back yard yesterday and scared the shit out of a dainty female.

But I agree. A picture of the Skipper is due.

Happy Father's Day.

08:02  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I for one would pay 8,000 to rid the world of so many cats instead of buying more

skipper is just having a slump, he will soon snap out of it, this is a sign that he is going to be huge. 30 plus pounds according to my sources on all things cat.

glad you're getting rain, think of a snappy comeback for idiots who state the obvious. such as

yea, and I carry a knife
and
oh really? are you SURE?
or
not only is it hot, but it is also time...time for you to die of a stabbing related death

14:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lazy,

I love you man. I've never laughed so hard in all my life. I was laughing so hard I started to cry and then fanny burp. I need to show this at our next diversity meeting. I've been sent to acceptance camp so many times I think I could teach the class. This was wonderful I going to watch it again.

18:15  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lazy,

I have to give a presentation tomorrow and I don't think I can do it with Lemmiewinks on my mind. I have a real problem once I start laughing I can't stop until all the gas is out of my body.

20:35  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Daisy - I need to post photos of the little gray cat. But he never sits still.

Teri - I agree that cats are free. But there are reasons to buy them. Say you are allergic to cats, but you still want one. And you want it to stay small. THEN you may want to pay for one. All my cats were free.

Doozie - You would not do that. Cause the your brown cat would vanish. And that would make you sad. Skipper is going to be a dwarf cat.

Krok - which one did you watch? "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set" or "Death Camp Of Tolerance"?
I think Saur would like "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set".

21:50  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lazy,

The Paris one is good but the Death Camp of tolerance is hillarious. It is great.

Saur probably watches the Paris one every night.

22:20  
Blogger Cie Cheesemeister said...

The video was great--I sympathize with Tinkerbell!
And I do know who Mr. Lemmiwinks is.

23:25  
Blogger TLP said...

I watched the first video, the Stupid Spoiled Whore one. Man, it was LONG. Funny, but too sad and too real to be really funny.

Boy, you're just a little ray of sunshine today. You need new drugs.

23:34  
Blogger TLP said...

Just watched the second video. I have no idea who Mr. Lemmiwinks is/was.

23:54  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - Lemmiwinks is the Gerbil King. I had heard the urban legend about Richard Gere so I already knew far too much about "gerbilling". Do people really do that??!?!?!??! WTF!

TLP - South Park is great. Those guys have made some pretty amazing shows. I like how Paris is coughing up some kind of white substance that seems to be very sticky. Wonder what that could be??? Lemmiwinks is the class gerbil turned Gerbil King.

03:18  
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19:04  

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