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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Stickers Can Get You In Trouble.

This is a crappy photo of a sticker that is on the bow of the boat. The sticker is clearly visible to all people onboard. It is on the bow sundeck. The picture is shitty because it was taken with my cell phone while I was working on the stereo installation. The boat sits under a car port thing so it is not in the sun getting bird shit all over it. I hate birds.

Now I think this sticker is humorous. Excessive weight in bow while underway will cause undesirable performance. Allow me to translate this into plain English for all you who do no completely understand boat speak. My translations are in parenthesis.

Excessive weight in bow while underway will result in undesirable performance (no fat chicks).

Pretty simple. And you can not argue with the sticker! I did not put it there, it came that way from the factory. So it must be there for a reason. One must always pay attention to warning stickers.

One of these days that sticker is going to get me in a lot of trouble. Here is what will probable happen.

ME: I need you to move to the stern, because the boat is riding bow down and causing too much bow steer.
SOME CHICK: WHAT!!? Are you saying I am excessive weight?!??!
ME: Yes. I MEAN NO! NO! Of course not! I just need you to sit closer to the stern...
SOME CHICK: Just shut the hell up. Are you saying I am fat?
ME: Be reasonable. Of course you are not fat. I am just trying to make the boat ride as comfortable as possible for you.
SOME CHICK: BE REASONABLE! Ill show you reasonable! (shoots me with a flare gun).

So yea, I need to re-word that sticker. I am thinking of the following possibilities.

WARNING! Anyone who is not wearing a size 2 or smaller bikini should not sit in the bow while underway.

If your ass is wider than this I---------I you should not ride in the bow while the boat is underway. Or ever.

ATTENTION! If the boat captain asks you to move to the stern, it is not because he is saying you are fat - even thought you may be. That is not the point. The point is that too much weight in the bow will result in "bow steer". This happens when the boat can not be trimmed properly. So just move to the stern and do not make a federal case out of it. The captain has enough to deal with piloting the boat without having to hear a bunch of shit from you. Your ass is just fine. Really. Otherwise, chances are you would not even be on the boat - unless you are the friend of the good looking chick. There are always exceptions. By the way, it does not take much weight to unbalance the boat. The stern is usually a more comfortable ride anyway.

Whoever worded that sticker was not thinking too clearly.



Blogger TLP said...

Sounds like a big-breasted woman would mess up the ride. No?

And what about a beer gut on a guy?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

TLP - weight is weight. Guys with a huge beer gut are banned by default.

Chicks with large fun bags do not usually like to ride in the front of a small boat. The wave action bouncing starts EVERYTHING bouncing, and it can get uncomfortable. So they are not usually an issue.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

your sticker versions are mildly retarded, allow me to help.....

Attention: All those interested in sitting up front please be aware this increases your risk of sea-sickness.

Attention: In order to ensure a smooth riding experience, we recommend you take a seat in the rear of the craft where you will be served ice cold beverages and a view of the full moon.

Attention: All those who are weight challenged must move to the rear of the craft unless you would like to have your eyebrows ripped off and your legs twisted like pretzels

Anonymous krok54 said...

The Lazy,

I bet Doozie's fat butt would swamp the boat.

This really hit home for me because sometimes the hot chicks insist on bringing a fat troll along because they don't trust me. Boating is no fun with a cow.

I owe you man you hit that fruit thing like a split hog. I did the victory sex dance around her desk first thing in the morning.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - the boat rides pretty good. I do not think motion sickness would be an issue for anyone. But of the bow is down, the boat tends to have bow steering issues.

Krok - You have to be nice to the hot chick's fat friend. I have enough freeboard for Doozie. I do not think she would swamp the boat. Or for that matter, even the kayak.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Lucky for you, I can't ride in boats because I get seasick. I also acknowledge that I am fat and not in the least bit hot. Except for the times when I get hot flashes.
Unfortuanately for you, my only possibly "hot" female friend is married. But she doesn't dress or act hot anyway. The majority of my "real world" friends at this point are guys, and half of those are gay. I might think some of them qualify as "hot" but you probably wouldn't!
My ex husband has a huge beer gut, which might unbalance your boat worse than my fat ass!

Blogger Econo-Girl said...

Size 2 bikini!?!?!?!

That's a little harsh.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - I have a somewhat small boat and so it is less likely that people will get sick on it. If it is a bad day I do not head out. But even on a choppy day, the boat rides pretty good due to its catamaran design.

Econo - you are right. Size 2 is harsh. I would never reword the sticker to say that.

What I really say to people is "you can not sit up front while the boat is underway because if the police see you I will get a ticket for unsafe operation". Or something like that. Totally a lie, but it works.


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